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Original poster

Finding out the perfect man has a child

343 replies

Chantelle993 · 18/05/2020 18:07

I thought I had met the man of my dreams, swept me off my feet. We’re together a year and was planning a future. But I have just found out he has a child he didn’t tell me about! How I found out? I accidentally swiped onto a photo on his phone and it showed a screen shot of a bank statement showing the baby mother’s name. I ignored it and months later I brought it up again. Things were so serious between us and he confessed!

He was apparently scared to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me! Wow! He explained he had the child when he was late teens with a FWB. He went on to tell me he has always paid CSA, she gets £600 a month, showed me his bank statements to prove but wanted nothing to do with the FWB or Child. He had told her from day one he didn’t want it. He explained the situation with the FWB was toxic and she went onto have 4 more children with 4 different Dads. She had become obsessed with him and was a train wreck. Of course she was ‘Crazy’!

I did my digging and found much of what he said was true. She had been in local news for being arrested for a fight and her new partner was in jail. Apart from this, she seemed an ok mother. I can’t judge, I don’t know her.

I told him he’d buried his head in the sand for too long. He should make contact with her and see the 10 year old child. He thought about it and chose not to.

I’m left devastated. I haven’t shown him how this has hurt me. I’ve been isolating with a friend, she says I should give him another chance, not everything is black and white. He made a mistake but she can see how much he loves me. Seriously!!!? Heads all over the place!! What do you think about this!?

OP posts:
Soen · 18/05/2020 23:25

Get rid of this arsehole. Any guy can father a child, but a real man is a Dad to them.

GilbertMarkham · 18/05/2020 23:32

In case it wasn't clear, the double whammy of "I'm entitled to fuck condom free" and "how dare that bitch not have an abortion, I don't want a child" is what gets me in this kind of scenario.

Use a condom or don't fuck women you'd never settle with in a month of Sundays. It's not your entitlement to have risk free, consequence free orgasms inside someone's vagina.

0DETTE · 18/05/2020 23:33

What @GilbertMarkham said.

In her own inimitable way Wink

GilbertMarkham · 18/05/2020 23:36

Back on the main topic.

Having a child, whether you see them or not, is a huge thing to lie about.

It suggests dishonesty and immaturity.

It's also unfair not to tell you that if you lived together, had kids of your own etc that your household finances would be down 600 a month for a child he already has.

GilbertMarkham · 18/05/2020 23:47

Another poster has this issue.

He also said he was scared it would put her off/he'd lose her. I commented that if a man told his partner relatively early in the relationship - as he should - that I'd imagine few women who were truly interested/attracted etc in him would end the relationship due to him having a child. That it's very common past the further into adulthood people get for them.tonhsve kids from.previous relationships (and sometimes situationships).

She said that exactly how she felt, she really liked him a d would never have ended the relationship over it.

I think it's an excuse - it seems more like they did t want the child so, while they're forced to pay cm, they just pretend (in an immoral.abd immature way) that the child doesnt exist ... And telling a new partner would wreck their pretence, do they just pretend with them too.

It really doesnt reflect well on them, nor does their ability to have a child they created on this earth without trying to care for or project them etc.

GilbertMarkham · 18/05/2020 23:49

*protect

OhCaptain · 18/05/2020 23:55

There are massive assumptions being made on this thread. It’s actually quite disappointing.

If you base your point on assumptions and extrapolation then it gets diluted, IMO.

And really what is even the point in the discussion if people veer off the information and into what they think happened, and if the OP has disappeared in any case?!

Do you think that we should?

Do I think we should allow men to force abortions? No, I don’t. Nor did I say or imply that.

But that’s a prime example of just throwing shit out there for the sake of it or to score points. Juvenile and utterly pointless.

LilyMarshall · 19/05/2020 00:00

This thread is heartbreaking. How society in 2020 can continue to have such low expectations of men is deeply disturbing.

Rubyred24 · 19/05/2020 00:08

Then on the other scale there are men committing suicide because the mum uses the kids as a weapon against the dad by not letting them have a relationship.

LexMitior · 19/05/2020 00:11

Well this thread isn’t about that but do feel free to make a separate one

Mmm0th30 · 19/05/2020 00:15

The WHY

The end result is the same if he told his story early in the relationship or a year later

It spells the end of a relationship

Deal breaker

He pays, but no physical, emotional, spiritual connection. I wonder if the child will look for him when they are older ?

YourWinter · 19/05/2020 00:29

The concealment would be an absolute deal-breaker for me. If I were to get into a relationship with someone who had a child, I'd want him to be actively involved in their lives, kind and generous with them - genuinely, not a Disney-Dad type of generosity - proud of them, and with a friendly and respectful relationship with their mother. Kindness and honesty count for more than anything.

timeisnotaline · 19/05/2020 00:36

I couldn’t risk having a child with a man who’s abandoned one. Even if he loved the one he had when older and more mature I couldn’t do it imagining the other neglected one he doesn’t want to know. That means we could never have sex again as it’s never foolproof so yes it’s over.
I’d have to say every time I look at you now I see an abandoned child who apparently has a crap mum. Having a dad might make all the difference to their life but you can’t be arsed. I can’t see you anymore.

JingsMahBucket · 19/05/2020 00:40

@Chantelle993 did he tell you if they used protection or not? That’s a key factor everyone here keeps assuming...that they didn’t.

creaturcomforts · 19/05/2020 00:56

It's not about the man's rights or the woman's rights as to wether the father should step up and parent a child he didn't want. It's about the CHILD'S rights who didn't ask to be born and may be damaged with the knowledge that their own father didn't want to know them. This is a person not an object and it's not about equal rights as a parent!! A person that walks away from a child and doesn't even try has an attitude of entitlement and that will show in other aspects of their personality.

The very fact that he hid the truth means he at least feels some guilt about walking away, as he knows it's wrong but is still not a glowing recommendation. This would not be a seller for me.

creaturcomforts · 19/05/2020 00:59

How many of you that are saying that a person should have a choice over wether they have to parent were abandoned by their parents and how can you say it's morally ok to do that?

Original poster
Chantelle993 · 19/05/2020 01:03

Hi everyone

He told me “she was on the pill so not to worry” and “I was naive and an idiot”

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 19/05/2020 01:07

Lots of women make a decision when pregnant to go ahead and have the baby but they no longer want the man in their lives or their childs. Why is it not OK for a man to make a similar decision.

highmarkingsnowmobile · 19/05/2020 01:12

Of course he told you that. He's almost textbook script. Stop wasting your time. So what what he says, look at what he's done.

LexMitior · 19/05/2020 01:14

I think you will find that a woman does not have right to make that choice for a child. The law gives parents the right to see their children unless actual harm may result.

The premise of your question is flawed as it assumes women can do this.

And in this instance, the man has not exercised his legal rights. Up to him, but he’s judged for it because he’s lied about having a child and claims his ex is crazy.

Just to bring it back to the facts as we have them

Viviennemary · 19/05/2020 01:29

He has not lied. He has decided not to tell the OP. Which is his right. He has not committed an offence. If OP can't live with that It's up to her.

LexMitior · 19/05/2020 01:33

Well yes but I think you are very naive if you expect to pursue a relationship with someone and not tell them you have children when you do, that the mother is crazy but you have nothing to do with the child.

It’s not an offence, it’s just morally dubious to the child and the person you want to have a relationship with.

timeisnotaline · 19/05/2020 01:41

I’m not assuming they didn’t use protection. Accidents happen and I judge men who walk away, even those who pay. Maybe they are men children are better off not having in their lives so doing the child a favour, but I’m not going to be in a relationship with such a man!

supercali77 · 19/05/2020 07:31

Re 'he didn't want the child therefore should be allowed the choice'....he had the choice when deciding whether to use a condom. Yes I know they sometimes break but not nearly as often as men just prefer not to use them

firstimemamma · 19/05/2020 07:42

I'd break it off knowing he "doesn't want anything to do with" his own child. That's just totally unforgivable to me.

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