Finding out the perfect man has a child

[Chantelle993]

I thought I had met the man of my dreams, swept me off my feet. We’re together a year and was planning a future. But I have just found out he has a child he didn’t tell me about! How I found out? I accidentally swiped onto a photo on his phone and it showed a screen shot of a bank statement showing the baby mother’s name. I ignored it and months later I brought it up again. Things were so serious between us and he confessed!

He was apparently scared to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me! Wow! He explained he had the child when he was late teens with a FWB. He went on to tell me he has always paid CSA, she gets £600 a month, showed me his bank statements to prove but wanted nothing to do with the FWB or Child. He had told her from day one he didn’t want it. He explained the situation with the FWB was toxic and she went onto have 4 more children with 4 different Dads. She had become obsessed with him and was a train wreck. Of course she was ‘Crazy’!

I did my digging and found much of what he said was true. She had been in local news for being arrested for a fight and her new partner was in jail. Apart from this, she seemed an ok mother. I can’t judge, I don’t know her.

I told him he’d buried his head in the sand for too long. He should make contact with her and see the 10 year old child. He thought about it and chose not to.

I’m left devastated. I haven’t shown him how this has hurt me. I’ve been isolating with a friend, she says I should give him another chance, not everything is black and white. He made a mistake but she can see how much he loves me. Seriously!!!? Heads all over the place!! What do you think about this!?

This is very messy and that may be enough of a red flag for you to bale out.

I totally understand a teenager in his position not wanting a child or to be a parent. At least he is paying. I wouldn't judge someone on this alone any more than i would judge a woman who had an abortion at the same age.

I would be concerned he hadn't told you sooner. If the mother is such a disaster it's a shame that as he's got older he hasn't tried to share the parenting. So is she really as bad as he makes out?

@Leflic

I stand corrected you are absolutely right as is Choc. I just googled it. So I’m the back of that then yes, it’s obviously not him being partly descent. Clearly he has to....

so that does change my opinion of him a bit more but ultimately I don’t think it makes him a bad person. He laid his cards on the table and she chose to continue.

She’s equally as bad as him if not worse imo

I'd cut him loose. The ol' 'It's different with you'. And next time, ask, first date even, 'Do you have any kids?' if it's a dealbreaker for you (it sure was for me). Lying by omission is a lie, if someone is having an affair they don't usually 'fess up, they lie every time they come home. If someone is hiding debt that's a lie by omission. It's a big one and dealbreaker. He's crying because his little plan to manipulate you didn't work. All he thinks about his himself. 10 years hasn't changed him much.

He lied. He's probably still lying. He had no intention of telling you.
People seem to forget she was also a teenage girl.

A person wants to trust the person they date but men lie so much you have to assume they're lying until they prove different.

The ol' 'It's different with you'.

You don’t think that there’s the smallest possibility that a person can change in the years between being a teenager who got caught out and an adult? You don’t think it’s possible to mature at all in 11 years??

Definitely a man can mature. But maturity would suggest not calling your ex crazy and more parental involvement. And not lying about it.

Would it? Even if you’d made a conscious choice not to be a parent?

Do you think everyone who puts a child up for adoption will or should look to get involved down the line once they’re mature enough?

I think the lie would bother me less than how he managed to disconnect completely from his child and think because he pays some hush money that that's okay. It would make me wonder if he would just as easily connect with me and any children we might have.

It happen a long time ago he was young it's history that doesn't mean he would not be a good father to any child that was born in a loving relationship

But you can't force someone to love that child even if it's their own. Providing the man made his intentions clear early on, you can't really hold it against him.

Can't you? Is there a law against "holding it against" men like this? (frankly it would hardly surprise me).

He has not met his own child. He has no idea of the circumstances in which she lives (although he does understand that her mother is crazy/toxic/a trainwreck - but at the same time perfectly acceptable to rear his child). I suppose it could be worse - he could also have refused maintenance but that is a fairly low bar.

Loads of women (as seen in this thread) will think it is fine and will even go ahead and have a baby with someone like this. Fine - although you have ample evidence that he views his relationship with a child as only important if (a) he really wanted it and (b) his relationship with the mother is good. Good luck if you have a contraceptive failure and your relationship breaks down.

But what do you say to the child in these circumstances. "sorry honey, your dad really didn't want you from the start and didn't change his mind. You can't force people to love you and he doesn't love you and isn't even interested enough in you to want to meet you. now run along and play"

there is no way to sugarcoat what he has done to his own child. I wouldn't have any interest in being with someone like that.

What Lex said.

It happen a long time ago he was young it's history that doesn't mean he would not be a good father to any child that was born in a loving relationship.

It's not history because there's still a human being walking around who's his child. The best predictor of future behaviour is past and present behaviour. This is a person who slut shames the mother of his child, claims she's completely mentally unstable (a train wreck), but leaves his child with her because it isn't 'worth' the 'shit' he'd get for it, who lied about the child's existence because he wanted the OP (never mind her being given all the facts to make her own decision).

Not looking good for having matured a lot in 10 years.

Would it? Even if you’d made a conscious choice not to be a parent?

Men who make a conscious choice not to be a parent need to use a very very reliable method of contraception, such as a vasectomy. Or not have PIV sex.

Because any other kind of sex with women who could conceive is risky. Any fool knows that pregnancy is a potential side effect of sex.

Do you think everyone who puts a child up for adoption will or should look to get involved down the line once they’re mature enough?

People who put a child up for adoption relinquish their parental rights forever. It’s nothing like a feckless loser of a man abandoning his own child because he CBA.

And it’s extremely insulting of you to suggest it’s the same thing.

Maybe I am being very thick and/or tired and ready for bed.

But should society not have moved on by now? it should not just be a "discussion" between the two teenage parents up to and immediately after birth (when in many cases it all falls apart).

I am in many ways wholly against state intervention in personal relationships (most especially romantic relationships) but in a relationship between two teenagers where a new life is created should there not be some immediate (and encouraged) option for either party to say to the other - via the intervention and formal communication by the state - "I am pregnant - you have the next x months (presumably linked to the abortion deadline sorry to be blunt etc) to decide what involvement you want with the child. If you do not want involvement (i.e some contact and some kind of linked financial contribution on a means tested basis to underline your emotional commitment) then you forfeit your right to see your child" (and presumably the state then picks up the shortfall).

Thereafter if the father changes his mind and wants contact involvement with the child there are hoops he must go through via the state to get that contact.

Maybe I have missed something really significant with the above - yes 9 months (or the shorter period of time up to the abortion time limit) is very short and if you are a teenager it would be a huge decision - but surely this would focus the mind - its not never see your child again but it might deter "repeat offenders" (crude terminology I don't mean it like that but anyone who repeatedly becomes a teenage parent with no means of paying for their family);
and ;

ultimately (1) I assume but may be wrong that many teenage girls who get pregnant get pregnant by teenage boys so the burden on both parties is comparable; and

(2) from what I understand the rate of teenage pregnancy in the UK (well up until recently at least) has been coming down dramatically - so we are not talking about large cohort of cases.

I find some of the comments odd, someone even said he's done nothing wrong.

I had a friend in a similar situation. She is the DW of a man that had a brief relationship with a woman that resulted in pregnancy. That mother kept the baby, father pays monthly

My friend found out accidentally and he delivered the same lines your partner is saying to you. However, it's now been over 16 years, they have gotten married and have 3 dc of their own. He is an exemplary father and husband to her and her dc. He has never met that baby.

None of us really judge him as he has done the best he could out of a bad situation and he has worked hard to atone for it with the family he created with her. Sometimes the best thing for a child is to just not have a parent present in their life if they don't want or can't have a loving and deep relationship.

It's easier for all parties this way to move on in life.

People who put a child up for adoption relinquish their parental rights forever.

As did this man.

Walking away from your child because you CBA is NOT the same as going through a legal process where the court assigns your legal rights to someone else who has been assessed and approved to adopt that child.

I’m really surprised I have to explain this to anyone old enough to be on MN.

By legal process. This man did nothing like that. He is still responsible for his child.

But that’s not the point. This kind of mistake is why young men need to be smart. It’s not much cop to be stuck where he is now, pretending his own child doesn’t exist.

So, what is the alternative?

forcing people to be parents when they don’t want to be?

That’s dangerously close to forcing women to be mothers when they don’t want to be.

He couldn’t put the child up for adoption.

He didn’t have that choice. That doesn’t mean he’s the scum of the earth any more than someone who can give up parental rights within the remit of the legal system.

Do you think everyone who puts a child up for adoption will or should look to get involved down the line once they’re mature enough?

Parental rights are rarely severed voluntarily; most often it is as a result of severe abuse. The adoption process is a difficult one designed to secure the best outcome for a child in a situation where there is no perfect answer.

Having just got my 6 YO to bed after 2.5 hours of tantrums because she feels different because she's adopted I think your comparison is very, very unreasonable OhCaptain.

No - men don’t have that choice in the UK. We don’t have compelled abortions for women at mens convenience. Do you think that we should?

forcing people to be parents when they don’t want to be?

No one is forcing him to do anything (except pay) but OP is absolutely right to run away from someone who is continuing to do the wrong thing.

It has nothing to do with judging a teen mistake and everything to do with judging his response to OP now.

He isn’t scum of the earth. He is a liar. And he’s happy to leave his child with a crazy woman, accordingly to him.

of course you can't force people to be parents when they don't want to be.

Of course you can judge someone who walks away from his own child, never meets her and, worse, leaves her with a mother he thinks is toxic and a trainwreck.

Of course you don't have any obligation to admire someone who walks away from their own child - still less have a relationship with them. You make your choices and they tell people who you are.

*All the comments saying if he didnt want a child he should have worn a condom. Made sure she was on the pill. Double contraception. Abstinence.

Is that what you'll say to women who have abortions (excluding rape abuse etc etc) "well love.. if you didnt want a child you should have doubled up on contraception"?!*

No, it isn't - because she coukd have a termination if she wanted to.

While a man can't make a woman have a termination (though many try and succeed).

That's why - if he doesn't want a child he shouldn't go round shooting his baby batter up women's vaginas with no condom on - or have a fkg wank instead.

Conservative abstinence brigade - actually abstinence outside committed relationshios might be better than the fucked up mess much of our society is in - I've stood waiting on a bus and heard a dodgy looking guy respond almost aggressively to his gf's kid who asked "are you my dad? You're not my dad" ... "Yeah well i'm daddy to you, ok!", sat at a pool on holiday and not been able to follow who the fuck was who in an extended family of (shouting, boisterous) kids by different dad's, step dad, who as flirting with his gf's eldest daughter etc etc. .....not to mention our astronomical bills paying as a society for kids whom their dads don't pay for (what's the drop out rate for CM?)

People did abstain for years in the past, their dicks etc did t drop off. Nowadays they have a smorgasbord of porn (separate ethical debate) they can use 24 hrs a day should they wish, why should everyone expect to have casual, consequence free sex when it doesn't exist in many cases (whether it's STDs or "unwanted" pregnancies/kids).