Finding out the perfect man has a child

[Chantelle993]

I thought I had met the man of my dreams, swept me off my feet. We’re together a year and was planning a future. But I have just found out he has a child he didn’t tell me about! How I found out? I accidentally swiped onto a photo on his phone and it showed a screen shot of a bank statement showing the baby mother’s name. I ignored it and months later I brought it up again. Things were so serious between us and he confessed!

He was apparently scared to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me! Wow! He explained he had the child when he was late teens with a FWB. He went on to tell me he has always paid CSA, she gets £600 a month, showed me his bank statements to prove but wanted nothing to do with the FWB or Child. He had told her from day one he didn’t want it. He explained the situation with the FWB was toxic and she went onto have 4 more children with 4 different Dads. She had become obsessed with him and was a train wreck. Of course she was ‘Crazy’!

I did my digging and found much of what he said was true. She had been in local news for being arrested for a fight and her new partner was in jail. Apart from this, she seemed an ok mother. I can’t judge, I don’t know her.

I told him he’d buried his head in the sand for too long. He should make contact with her and see the 10 year old child. He thought about it and chose not to.

I’m left devastated. I haven’t shown him how this has hurt me. I’ve been isolating with a friend, she says I should give him another chance, not everything is black and white. He made a mistake but she can see how much he loves me. Seriously!!!? Heads all over the place!! What do you think about this!?

Do we know this man didn't wear a condom

Thats what op said he said.

A man would be absolutely torn to shreds on here if he said he ended a relationship because the woman had an abortion ten years ago.

Sorry, @Viviennemarie, that's a poor analogy. As @AliasGrape put it...

If she decides to proceed with the pregnancy then there’s a child in the world that they’re both responsible for creating. A living, breathing human being.

Which is the crux. Forget what happened back then - for better or worse, there's now a living, thinking, vulnerable human being that you are 50% responsible for creating currently walking this Earth.

How do you respond?

Do you...

a) Think "well, I didn't want this but there's the opportunity to be the the positive influence this child definitely needs in their life" or...

b) Think "Nah... not worth the hassle".

All judgements aside, this is what it boils down to. I'm not saying either is right or wrong. But I would ask the OP which she personally finds are more in line with what she percieves to be the actions of her "perfect man"? Which reaction would people consider to be the more heroic or noble? Which the more caring and empathic? Which is the one more likely to be the subject of Hollywood move? Etc...

I'm a man btw. I couldn't shrug that off. It would haunt me. That I could have been a force for good but chose not to because it was "too much hassle"? Not back then, when he was young, but right now when he's a grown man. Argue all you like whether he's a good or bad man, however what I would say is undisputable is he's not stepping up when so many other men would in his circumstances. I don't think its unfair to say that's telling about his character and how he might treat others in similar circumastances when there's "hassle".

Biology is inherently a double standard and in lots of ways it’s not fair that a man cannot choose as women can to bring a child into the world or not. Doesn’t really change anything though, good moral judgment would be to take responsibility and he didn’t so it would be a deal breaker for me.

I don’t see how forcing a man to be in a child’s life when he doesn’t want to be is beneficial for that child.

I really don’t.

It’s not about forcing him - it’s what he says about him that he would need to be forced.

That poor, poor child.
Having such a difficult mother should be all the more reason for wanting to be in the child's life as a father. He obviously doesn't care about his own offspring.

He hid this for you because he knows it shows him who he really is: a completely heartless person. I think about my DS and I can't imagine doing this to a child, not in a million years. I couldn't be with someone who treated his own flesh and blood like this, no way. Dump him.

A lot of the arguments actually do seem to be about forcing or wishing you could force a man to be in a child’s life.

I think about my DS and I can't imagine doing this to a child, not in a million years.

Because you want him. You chose to have him. And you’ve spent every day of his life bonding with him and loving him.

It’s not about forcing him to do anything. It’s about recognising the man he is and not wanting to have a relationship with that man.

That’s the difference between having a child because you want one, and being forced to have a child when you don’t.

Of course he should never be able to force an abortion, I don’t think anyone is saying that. The mother had every right not to abort, but the reality is that she chose to bring a child into the world knowing the father was opposed to it and was never going to be the father she wanted him to be.

I wouldn't want to be with a man who chose not to be involved with their child, no matter how much maintenance they paid.

I don’t see how forcing a man to be in a child’s life when he doesn’t want to be is beneficial for that child. I really don’t.

I totally agree. And I don’t think that is what people are saying. I think what they are saying is, choosing to ignore the fact you have a child makes you a shit potential partner and future father. They're not saying he should now be forced to be a decent father, they are telling op look how he treats his child, knowing the child is being raised by a toxic train wreck, and to move on.

No point having someone tell you what kind of person they are. Look for evidence.

choosing to ignore the fact you have a child makes you a shit potential partner and future father.

But it doesn't, IMO.

I find it genuinely shocking that people don't think someone can change their outlook on things in eleven years.

That the decision made by a scared teenager wouldn't necessarily be the decision made by a grown man.

If OP’s ex had “changed his outlook” he’d be having contact with his 10 year old DC.

No one is forcing him or proposing forcing him to have contact/parent his DC.

OP has the choice about whether or not to date him.

Of course she does. But I think we can all agree that the conversation has become a lot more general as is often the case on here.

And no I don't think it follows that a changed outlook would mean a sudden interest in a relationship with a child he doesn't know, who is with a woman he doesn't want to be around.

I think it's incredibly naive (at best) and more likely willfully ignorant of human nature to think that he'd feel the same about a child conceived within a loving, adult relationship.

That the decision made by a scared teenager wouldn't necessarily be the decision made by a grown man.

Except its still his decision. According to the OP, him now getting into contact with his daughter and playing a part in her life - no matter how minimal - is "not worth the hassle".

But he’s still making that decision now isn’t he? He makes it every single day he chooses to have nothing to do with the child who is now a living breathing ten year old who has to deal with the fact her dad isn’t interested, didn’t want her then and still doesn’t want her now. Despite him knowing that her mother is useless and toxic (he claims anyway) he still doesn’t give enough of a shit to be in the child’s life.

It wasn’t a one off decision.

And he also made the decision not to tell the OP about his child until confronted.

The fact that he can imagine a shiny, happy future where he gets to have children he will actually be a decent father to, because their mother isn’t crazy and toxic so therefore those children would somehow be more worthy of his time and effort, actually makes him more awful really. Like he can pick and choose which child is deserving.

But he’s still making that decision now isn’t he? He makes it every single day he chooses to have nothing to do with the child who is now a living breathing ten year old who has to deal with the fact her dad isn’t interested, didn’t want her then and still doesn’t want her now

Would you judge a woman who gives her child up for adoption the same way?

I also don’t think it naturally follows that he would be a terrible father to wanted children born into a stable relationship. God knows enough men, and women, manage to be just that. I wouldn’t judge a woman who placed an unwanted child for adoption as a teenager, who went on to be a great mother later in life.

Of course it’s up the OP whether it’s a deal breaker for her or not, and if it is then fair enough. No one has to be in a relationship if they don’t want to be.

*manage to be good parents, I mean.

@bluebluezoo Someone who’s young, not in a good place presumably gives up the child for what they perceive is the child’s benefit. They will get the chance of an upbringing the mother thinks she can’t provide. I can’t imagine how harrowing that might be but I can understand it. And maybe, if the child comes looking for them in the future that mother may welcome the chance to be part of that child’s like again.

There is a world of difference between that and leaving a kid to be brought up with a parent you deem to be toxic. Because you think they’re a hassle. And if they sought you out, you’d say “sorry you’re not my business”.

Can you make out the difference why?

I also don’t think it naturally follows that he would be a terrible father to wanted children born into a stable relationship.

But even if he is a perfect father to those children, it wouldnt stop him being a shit parent to the older one. He would have favourite children. The older unwanted child seeing that actually he could be a decent father if he liked the mother, would be very Very damaged by that.

Being a good father to some of your children, does not a decent father make.

Again, there are those that give up children because they don’t want to be parents, and the child is unwanted by them. That is entirely analogous to the situation here. The man in this instance didn’t have the option of doing that without the mother’s consent, or I dare say he would have done.

Would you judge a woman who gives her child up for adoption the same way?

No (I’m adopted myself although very different circumstances and within the family).

Obviously I don’t know the story of every woman who has ever given a child up for adoption, but the ones I do know involve mother’s making incredibly painful decisions in the hope that the child will have a better life with loving and suitable parents. (I know not every adoption works out like this, but it’s at least monitored and there are checks in place).

He’s left his kid with in what sounds like chaotic circumstances with someone he thinks is beneath contempt, but it’s not worth the hassle for him to intervene. - I’d judge a woman who did exactly that in the same way though yes. As I’m sure would many on this thread who have been so quick to defend this guy’s right to opt out of parenting. I think if a woman did the same she’d get a very different response and I think that is the real double standard.

It really doesn’t matter that the mum made a shit decision too. It really doesn’t matter that he didn’t want to be a dad back then and would have preferred her to abort. The child exists. And they matter.

Should add that it’s perfectly possible that the child hypothetically given up for adoption may well judge the parent - adoption is complicated and painful in lots of ways. They also have the right to trace the parents later in life, and as this is a potential outcome I would expect a partner to be honest with me about it, and reserve the right to decide whether that’s something I could live with.

That the decision made by a scared teenager wouldn't necessarily be the decision made by a grown man.

But he's continued to make that decision as he became a grown man and been one for years!

Op doesn't suggest any chance of heart since his child was born or now.

It is a reflection of his integrity, as is his lying by omission.about having a child at all.

Again, there’s a difference between giving up a child to a couple who want kids via vetted system and leaving them with someone you deem toxic.