Guy wants to be chased

[PeachPie30]

Have you ever met a masculine guy who wants to be chased? I have a male friend who I have great chemistry with but I’m getting the vibe from him that he wants me to chase him. When I do he’s really receptive and otherwise is a bit cool. Is this ever a thing?

Of course it's a thing- a very common thing that tells people 'he's just not that into you'. Be BRUTALLY honest with yourself. Think of him in other situations. Is he generally shy? Or just being "a bit cool" with you (who clearly fancies him)... because, please, if it's even vaguely looking like the latter do yourself a favour and don't go there. Wait until you meet someone who doesn't want to play games.

I was always a chaser and it took me until my 40s to realize most men (we might wish it were otherwise) don't like or respect that.

They can think you are offering it to them on a plate and they'll take it then usually go about their way, to a woman who seems less desperate and so they think is more of a prize because they have to work to win her.

I know this sounds old fashioned and tacky, but I think it's mostly true.

The thing is that he does seem really into me. I think he just likes to be chased. I didn’t think that a masculine guy would be like that though. I think he’s quite insecure. He’s intelligent but I can tell that he thinks I’m cleverer than him. He’s very sexy and attractive but not conventionally good looking and I think he’s aware of that yet he thinks I’m really beautiful and that I could have anyone (his view not mine). I only want him.

He used to be my boss but we no longer work at the same company. He’s very aware of not wanting to be inappropriate or sleazy.

I’m getting the vibe from him that he wants me to chase him. When I do he’s really receptive and otherwise is a bit cool.

They will enjoy you offering yourself of course, think 'well, that was a bonus,' take it and then get on with chatting up someone else.

You mightn't think you'd be hurt by it, but in one way or another you will.

Of course men love the ego boost of having a woman gagging to be with him.

He’s very aware of not wanting to be inappropriate or sleazy.

That's because he's aware that what he might decide to get upto with you could seem sleazy- so he's trying to do it in a way that can appear as respectable as possible to other people.

What I mean by chasing him is this. He likes me to initiate contact. He has even admitted that he wants to hear from me but ‘our way’ is that I text him and he sees that as a green light to then call me. When he calls we chat for over an hour each time. It’s like he needs me to say it’s okay first.

The other day I told him that I miss him because of lock down. Since then he’s been phoning loads. But I had to say that before he would react in that way.

That's because he's aware that what he might decide to get upto with you could seem sleazy- so he's trying to do it in a way that can appear as respectable as possible to other people.
I’m completely confused. Can you explain that again please?

You seem uncomfortable with this OP though you've gone to some lengths to explain it. Why not suggest that you take turns to ring or text first?

Why not suggest that you take turns to ring or text first?
I have done that but only after it all blew up. I was fed up of it so sent a message which he never replied to and I decided to just wait for him to contact me. Several weeks later he got in touch. I was a little frosty and he was really upset that I hadn’t contacted him. I said that I didn’t think he was bothered and he was absolutely flabbergasted. He said how could you think that?! That’s when he said we have our system of me texting then he calls.

I think he’s possibly terrified of making a fool of himself.

One time something happened which I can’t say exactly as it’s really outing but imagine it’s something like this:

His best friend got married and he never received a wedding invitation but he was too proud to say anything so just didn’t go to the wedding. I met him after this incident and of course I said it must have been a mistake or an oversight but he was heartbroken and just never asked his friend about it.

I think he’s possibly terrified of making a fool of himself

This is understandable if he's a 14 year old boy. Otherwise he has to put on his big boy pants and cope with the uncertainties of life like everyone else.

(now awaiting the first post saying 'maybe he's autistic...)

He’s a fully grown man. Definitely not autistic.

So we have a puffin and a penguin on this thread! 😂

It doesnt sound like a strategy to me, more like mild social anxiety. Everyone in my family is a bit like this, i have to be feeling really brave to phone people, even friends and family, one slightly off tone of voice or a request to call back later and I feel mortified and ruminate about it for ages but if they phone me I know for sure they want to speak to me and I'm delighted to chat.

Wbeezer, a fear of rejection?

He has incredible communication skills.

His best friend got married and he never received a wedding invitation but he was too proud to say anything so just didn’t go to the wedding. I met him after this incident and of course I said it must have been a mistake or an oversight but he was heartbroken and just never asked his friend about it

I appreciate that you have changed the details here, but this is very bad. I would really not put your emotional well-being in the hands of a man so incapable of communicating like a normal, well-adjusted adult. He will destroy your happiness.

Don't be a chaser.
This shouldn't have to be that hard.
He's not that into you.
And he sounds like a tool.

Move on.

He's just not that into you.

Seriously OP.

I

I appreciate that you have changed the details here, but this is very bad. I would really not put your emotional well-being in the hands of a man so incapable of communicating like a normal, well-adjusted adult. He will destroy your happiness.

Absolutely agree with this. Good communication is required for a healthy relationship. This man would be incapable of communicating any issues he may be having in the relationship with you, he would also be unable to respond to any issues you have in a normal way.
In the long term you need someone who is willing to fight for you and the relationship if there are problems. It doesn't sound like he would be capable of this at all because he'd be afraid of putting himself out there, he'd be the type to let you go over a misunderstanding.

What do you want OP?

It sounds to be like this dynamic is making you uncomfortable.

PPs have made really good points about communication which you should take heed of.
My observation is that the interactions between you so far don’t look like what I would see in a healthy successful relationship

I always think if you need to chase him he's just not that into you. He's into the idea of someone giving him attention and feeling elite. The chase should be give and take or both parties showing really interested signs

A fear of making the first move is very common, for men and women, so not always a case of wanting to be chased.. People who wan't to be chased,are usually self loved,and vain.