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Original poster

Guy wants to be chased

129 replies

PeachPie30 · 15/05/2020 23:50

Have you ever met a masculine guy who wants to be chased? I have a male friend who I have great chemistry with but I’m getting the vibe from him that he wants me to chase him. When I do he’s really receptive and otherwise is a bit cool. Is this ever a thing?

OP posts:
Elieza · 16/05/2020 10:28

He sounds like hard work. Life shouldn’t be that hard.

Re the wedding thing that could be about him being so upset at the lack of invite that he was embarrassed and deeply hurt or it could be that he didn’t really care but makes out that he was gutted that he wasn’t invited to manipulate peoples sympathy.

Either way his comms are shite.

He should have spoken to the mate and sorted it one way or the other at the time. Who wouldn’t. Surely a “mate, where’s my invite ya baw bag, or am I not getting one as it’s only close friends” convo should have been had. Or even a “here’s a wedding gift for you both, I’ll just give you it now as I appreciate you can’t invite everyone to the wedding and it seems I’ve not got an invite” convo.

The whole text before phone stuff you do sounds weird.

If you really want this guy get him told that you like him and you like it when he just phones. And you can’t be bothered with this text phone thing any more. That he can phone whenever and if he doesn’t phone you won’t be doing all the chasing.

He’s either bad at understanding emotions and relationships or he’s not that into you and tends to forget about you and not bother to make the effort if you don’t do it first.

RingaRosie · 16/05/2020 10:30

He’s not too arsed, but if it’s on offer...

BilboBercow · 16/05/2020 10:38

So basically you most want to hear people telling you to stick with it and how he's really the one, in spite of the many signals he's giving you that he's not arsed?

Don't say you weren't warned op.

WinterAndRoughWeather · 16/05/2020 11:07

Christ on a bike.

Best case scenario (BEST):

He likes you and fancies you a bit (but not that much)
He enjoys your company
Your attention is flattering
He’s being avoidant because he doesn’t want this fun, flirty stuff to get to the point that he’s forced to reject you, because he knows it will hurt you / the fun flirting will be over.

But whatever, you’ve said you’re ploughing on regardless.

flabbyflabbyflabguts · 16/05/2020 11:14

His own best friend didn't invite him to his wedding, speaks volumes
He doesn't call you until you text, because he doesn't think about you.

TorkTorkBam · 16/05/2020 11:38

We actually have great communication. Well in the sense that he gets me to open up more than I ever have done. He’s guarded about himself though.
Right so, he ignores you until you crawl to him then he listens while you talk at him but reveals little of himself. You have sex. Repeat ad infinitum.

There’s no games.
Are you on glue? This whole thread is you describing the weird game you two are playing, asking for tips on how to win.

You win by pulling your self-respect back up from around your knees.

Here are three rules to live by
Never chase after a man (in any sense).
Never make excuses for a man: to yourself or to others.
Men are allowed to be in a huff and you are allowed to do absolutely nothing about it.

ButteryPuffin · 16/05/2020 11:52

Does he actually articulate his feelings for you? You've said a lol about what you think he thinks of you. Do those words actually come out of his mouth? So, for example:

I’ve told him how I feel and he just acts so shocked when I say I feel like he’s not that bothered and he’s like how on earth could you think that????!!!

But then does he stop after 'how on earth could you think that' or does this include him then telling you how he feels?

LonginesPrime · 16/05/2020 12:06

OP, I know you say that he has incredible communication skills and there is no game-playing but from what you describe, he seems to have quite poor communication skills (especially given the wedding invite fiasco) and likes to string you along.

If you want all that drama in your life, then obviously go for it, but know that he's showing you who he is, so please do listen to him.

How he's behaving at the very early stages of the relationship (when people are generally on their best behaviour to reel someone in) is a good indicator of how he'll be down the line. You're clearly not loving this situation otherwise you wouldn't have posted about it, so it's worth considering whether you'd be happy with having to stroke his fragile ego like this for the rest of your relationship.

Honeyroar · 16/05/2020 12:13

He’s really surprised that you think he’s not interested when he doesn’t contact you for “several weeks” unless you contact him first??

He’s a total waste of your time and not worth the effort. But he’s reeling you in by telling you you’re too pretty for him etc. He’s definitely playing games, but he’s good at them and you are buying it. I’d definitely be walking away and wouldn’t be looking back unless there was significant interest and effort on his part.

LikeDuhWhatever · 16/05/2020 12:18

He’s a chicken.

crimsonlake · 16/05/2020 12:22

I have to agree...he is just not that in to you...well not enough tomake the effort. You should be the prize and I actually wonder if perhaps this is all one sided and just in your head, sorry.

TorkTorkBam · 16/05/2020 12:23

So if there are options that involve not walking away then I’m very keen to hear them!

OK, I'll play the game with you. He was surprised you were upset he didn't text. He understands now. So, don't text. Leave it for him to make the first move. He knows that's expected so if he is a decent sort then that's what he will do.

Or shag his best friend. Assuming you like loads of needless self-inflicted drama.

littlejalapeno · 16/05/2020 12:29

Run run run.

He has you obsessing over him and tying yourself in knots. He’s enjoying the game and won’t give you what you want as he has you where he wants you. I bet even reading this you think “oh but...” cut yourself lose from him! It will end in heartache and the diminishing of your sense of judgement, self trust and self worth. I speak from experience. And I eventually chose the guy who enthusiastically chose me and let me know it in no uncertain terms. Can you live on tenterhooks like this? You and your time are worth more.

Remember the egg does not chase the sperm.

HannaYeah · 16/05/2020 12:43

When I was younger relationships really seemed so hard. Someone like this, I would have followed to the ends of the earth. He’s showing just enough interest to keep you going. He’s just messed up enough emotionally that you feel sorry for him and think you can fix him? Just perfect in all other ways; completely intriguing, right?!

I’d say you are not really ready yourself for any relationship and you will hide from relationships messing around with guys like this until you are ready.

You don’t have to chase and analyze and post discussion threads about the kind of healthy men that want and can have a true, solid relationship.

If you’re like me, you’ll stick with this and break your own heart. Once I was done doing that a few times with “fixer upper” men I stopped. It was also about my own self-worth in the sense that I thought I could not have a simple, healthy, happy, easy relationship.

Any of that sound familiar?

Neepers · 16/05/2020 13:15

I went out with a guy a bit like this. He didn’t make much effort to see me despite living within walking distance of my house (and had a car anyway). I sat him down a couple of times to say if he wasn’t that bothered about me we should call it a day. He always maintained that yes, he wanted to keep going. I got fed up of it and just let it dwindle out. Next thing I know, he was travelling every weekend on a 200 mile round trip to see his new girlfriend. He just didn’t like me that much to make the effort. He just wasn’t able to be honest when confronted about it (which is maybe what your guy is doing).

bitofafunnyquestion · 16/05/2020 13:57

It's always crap to be on the wrong side of an imbalance in romantic interest but I think this is simply the crux of what is happening here.

This chap is putting in a bare minimum of effort to reassure you he doesn't want to let you go completely at least for now. You're scrabbling around for clues of genuine interest and reasons for this behaviour.

Maybe he is a poor communicator (hence the wedding thing), maybe if you work in a very small field he is worried about causing waves if this doesn't work out but I think both of these would have been resolved by now if he was really interested.

I would personally cut my losses and move on. It is quite easy to get emotionally shredded by a situation like this as it feels like a comment on your worth and a point of pride to try and bring the other person round but honestly it isn't.

Tappering · 16/05/2020 14:05

How could you think I don't want to hear from you?

Errr, because you NEVER call or text me first!

He has incredible communication skills

He really doesn't. He gives you very little of himself - he doesn't even give you the effort of making a call unless you 'green light' it first.

You don't want to walk away.

Righto. Be prepared for this one-sided relationship to either go nowhere. Or for it to get to the stage where you become fed up with his lack of effort and get upset because it finally dawns on you that he's avoidant and emotionally shuttered.

It's not your job to fix him. You want a relationship - not a project.

RainMustFall · 16/05/2020 14:20

Life shouldn't be this hard and I would have been bored to death way before now. Find yourself a proper boyfriend, preferably an adult.

caramelbun · 16/05/2020 14:40

i actually think you might get what you want by walking away, but only in the very short term. He enjoys the attention so if you go radio silent he will miss it and eventually contact you. You seem to be interpreting anything from him as a crumb of hope but it’s not. This is not the behaviour of a man who is interested.

My male relative seems to end up in this sort of interaction with women. It’s a waste of time and effort for them, and even my relative can’t seem to be direct with them. He sees it as their responsibility to figure out that it’s not going anywhere and he lets it rumble on for ages. Years in one case.

doublestriker · 16/05/2020 14:51

I wonder if you know that's manipulation. All this bending backwards to give an explanation for his behaviour is not healthy at all.

Original poster
PeachPie30 · 16/05/2020 17:46

I wonder if you know that's manipulation.
Him manipulating me or vice versa?

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachPie30 · 16/05/2020 17:47

Remember the egg does not chase the sperm.
Love this!!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachPie30 · 16/05/2020 17:49

Re the wedding thing that could be about him being so upset at the lack of invite that he was embarrassed and deeply hurt or it could be that he didn’t really care but makes out that he was gutted that he wasn’t invited to manipulate peoples sympathy.
He was heartbroken. It’s certainly not a way to get sympathy.

OP posts:
ReturnofSaturn · 16/05/2020 19:03

God there's no telling people. If he's not making tons of effort he's just NOT that into you.
It's not complicated HmmConfused men are not complicated.

AvalancheKit · 16/05/2020 19:12

Is he the same guy in your other thread, or is that another opportunity? Just curious, nothing more. You had a very sleepless night I’ll warrant.

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