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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His mum is an issue?

348 replies

MamaOl · 14/05/2020 09:19

I’m 27 and my boyfriend is 42. We’ve been together officially for 5 months, been in each other’s lives for 7 months. We don’t live together, he lives with his mum and I live with my son in my own place.

I’m really conflicted, his Mum has never met me and she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to however I know no reasons as to why, as she doesn’t know me. My boyfriend can’t FaceTime me in the house, he has to go out to his car to FaceTime me, he doesn’t speak about me to her, he doesn’t love me even though I’ve told him I love him.
I’ve told him how much his actions about “hiding me away” about going out the house etc to call me but he doesn’t care.

Can I just get people's advice on what they think about this? I have my own opinion however I need outside perspective. Thanks x

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 14/05/2020 11:05

Btw, I am not insinuating that you AREN'T good enough for him. But I've seen this play out before, and his mother has the upper hand. He won't go against her, not ever.

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/05/2020 11:06

Good for you! Pinning your happiness on a hope that sometime in the distant future he MAY break away from his mother, MAY fall in love with you, MAY move in with you and then MAY completely change wasn't a good plan.

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/05/2020 11:06

It's not his Mum who is the issue, it's him.

Doowop20 · 14/05/2020 11:07

Well done. You have done the right thing.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/05/2020 11:13

OP you've done exactly the right thing.

I'm sorry. And I can see that it's really hard to let go of an ideal future that you imagine.

But if you learn anything from this - it's that you always, always need to keep that ability to stand back and be BRUTAL and honest in assessing relationships. When someone comes out with a load of stuff that just doesn't match the reality you see - it's bullshit. No matter how flowery their talk. When someone goes on about wanting this and that, but does exactly the opposite, lives in exactly the opposite way to what would allow them to get those 'wants' - then they're kidding you, probably kidding themselves too.

Look at the walk, not the talk.

This guy is either perfectly happy with Mummy Dearest and will simply move on to the next probably also fairly young person to have sex with while they carry on living the life that they've already spent 42 years perfectly ok with - a creepy co-dependant relationship with an overinvolved, dominating mother where they don't need to ever be a real adult. Or, he'll continue to pine for that life but continue to fail to stand up to the creepy dominating mother just as he has for 42 years, etc.

People don't change.

Sansastark45 · 14/05/2020 11:19

The message you sent was great! Well done :) You deserve so much more than him!! And when you do find that man you will look back on this man child and know you made the right decision! And he will still be single living with his mum!!

Whatisthisfuckery · 14/05/2020 11:20

And, men who live with mummy tend to be very reliant on mummy doing everything for them. I bet he doesn’t do his own washing or clean up his own room. You already have one child to look after, you really don’t want another one.

madcatladyforever · 14/05/2020 11:21

I wouldn't put up with any of that nonsense, I'd dump him.
I suspect a wife and kids and if he's living with his mum that is really pathetic at his age.
I think he's having you on.

Musti · 14/05/2020 11:23

Jesus, my eldest is still at school but he would tell me where to go if I tried to stop him seeing his girlfriend!

You've done the right thing op, he sounds like a weird drip with issues.

Prettybubblesintheair · 14/05/2020 11:25

Well done op, I’m so sorry you must be really hurt. But you’ve absolutely done the right thing Flowers

SporadicNamechange · 14/05/2020 11:30

@MamaOl I bet it was really hard to get that confirmation. But you know absolutely now and it’s done.

Go and enjoy some time with your son, have something nice for lunch and make the best of your day. It’s lovely and sunny here, so I hope you’ve also got a nice bright day to enjoy.

PP are right: in time he’ll just be a memory you look back in and think, ‘what was I doing?’.

But he’ll still be him (and probably still living out his dysfunctional relationship with his mother). Eurgh.

ZooKeeper19 · 14/05/2020 11:31

Also I would question why does he live with his mom at 42?

Not the "right time" is a very old excuse. But you have only been together 5 months, that is not unreasonable not to meet each other's families straight away.

I'd not waste my time with this man, there is something not just right and you do not need to make your life this difficult.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/05/2020 11:38

Great message OP - well done.
You took back control of your own life!
And now you know for sure that he didn't give a shiny shite about you.
Best decision and done with dignity.
Nice one!

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 14/05/2020 11:42

Fantastic message OP. Well done! You deserve far better than him and you're definitely well rid. Daffodil

NoMoreDickheads · 14/05/2020 11:44

He's not nice OP and causes you pain.

Great work dumping him- how he responded just proves you were right to do so. xxxxx

TorkTorkBam · 14/05/2020 11:49

Next time get rid a lot sooner when the red flags start flying. It is easier. It makes you available for someone good. It is better for your mental health.

In general, accept people as they are, don't go around thinking I will get him to change. My way is the right way and I will teach him to do better.

It always fails, it is rude, it is a waste of your time and effort. Look at what you've got not what you think you could mould it into.

Fatarseflanagan09 · 14/05/2020 11:49

He hides his phone from his mum, does he shove it in his nappy?

AnotherElle · 14/05/2020 12:16

Just to put another perspective on things my son lives at home although he's only 20 but he has multiple girlfriends and I have no interest in meeting them and have told him so, I'm not looking some poor unsuspecting girl in the eye while I know he'll be meeting another one later and for that reason I have told him not to introduce me to anyone he's not serious about as I'm appalled by the way he behaves.

It sounds like he's afraid of commitment, living with mummy because it's cheap and easy and he can see who ever he likes and by telling you (and all the others) he doesn't love you he feels he's not doing anything wrong.

LouHotel · 14/05/2020 12:21

You already have a son OP why do you want a 42 year old man child moving in for you to clean up after.

Marie Kondo your relationship, if it doesn't give you joy put it in a bin bag and fuck off this cocklodger in waiting.

LouHotel · 14/05/2020 12:25

OOPS RTF - well done OP, decided what you want from a relationship and never settle.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/05/2020 12:31

This was a disaster from the start really in relationship terms. What did attract you to him however, in the first place?

Well done for dumping this man who is in a codependent relationship with mummy dearest. No woman will ever be able to match up to her in his eyes and you are well out of it. Some men do indeed behave like this and I certainly recognise the dynamic because my Bil has such an enmeshed and codependent relationship with his mother. He like this man is a kidult.

JorisBonson · 14/05/2020 12:41

Regardless of everything else, a 40 odd year old man who's always lived with his mother is a right turn off.

Original poster
MamaOl · 14/05/2020 13:13

Thank you everyone for your kind messages to me 💛

OP posts:
mrsverv · 14/05/2020 13:17

So basically, he has you on tap whenever he wants sex
That's it.

He's probably using his mom as an excuse tbh.

You need to have some self respect for yourself and your son. You are my age!!!! Live a single life until someone serious comes along!

sillysmiles · 14/05/2020 13:26

Honestly OP, I think when everything settles you will realise that you liked/loved the idea of him and a potential future way more that the actual him as he sounds very cold and closed off so it's hard to constantly be putting your emotions into someone like that and getting nothing back.