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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His mum is an issue?

348 replies

MamaOl · 14/05/2020 09:19

I’m 27 and my boyfriend is 42. We’ve been together officially for 5 months, been in each other’s lives for 7 months. We don’t live together, he lives with his mum and I live with my son in my own place.

I’m really conflicted, his Mum has never met me and she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to however I know no reasons as to why, as she doesn’t know me. My boyfriend can’t FaceTime me in the house, he has to go out to his car to FaceTime me, he doesn’t speak about me to her, he doesn’t love me even though I’ve told him I love him.
I’ve told him how much his actions about “hiding me away” about going out the house etc to call me but he doesn’t care.

Can I just get people's advice on what they think about this? I have my own opinion however I need outside perspective. Thanks x

OP posts:
Sunbird24 · 17/05/2020 08:47

OP, you’re not stupid, you’re just too nice and he’s taking advantage! If he’s just assumed you’re back together that’s only another example of him completely disregarding your feelings to add to the list.
You deserve so much more than this. Nobody should ever stay with someone who outright says they don’t love them.

smartiecake · 17/05/2020 08:50

Just ignore him and block him. Tell him its not working out for you. Thats all you need to do to end it. Just get on with your life and hopefully you will meet someone younger and with the same values.

Original poster
MamaOl · 17/05/2020 08:52

@Sunbird24 thank you that’s kind of you to say, I didn’t think of it that way with him taking advantage. Thanks again x

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/05/2020 08:54

All credit to you for sending that message because doing that was likely somewhat difficult for you to do as well. Blocking him now is something I would urge you to do as well, you do not want to get taken in by yet another facetime conversation.

I would merely like you to think about those questions I asked you today.

rowrowrowyaboat · 17/05/2020 09:02

The only way you will ever be able to move on from this soul sucker will be to block him op, for your own sanity and self worth you must do this. theres better things waiting for you op i promise Thanks

HUCKMUCK · 17/05/2020 09:06

Well done @MamaOl. It must be hard when you have put so much and and got little in return.

I hope you can find it in you to block him and not get drawn into a long back and forth where he promises you things he has no intention of doing.

Take care of yourself Flowers

rainbowstardrops · 17/05/2020 09:12

I think you need to stick to your guns now OP and not engage with any response that he musters up.
You know inside that he isn't what you're looking for in a partner, so better to walk away now before he destroys you anymore.
Stay strong, you can do this and you deserve so much more Thanks

Zaphodsotherhead · 17/05/2020 09:12

That’s another thing, he keeps telling me I’m making him out to be a bad person and saying I’m saying he’ll forever be a bad person cause nothing will change

This is another example of how he's putting words into your mouth, misreading what you say and basically, carrying on his own relationship without any thought about what you want.

He's probably going to read your last message, think 'yeah we want different things but she's not dumped me so she's fine with it.' He seems like the sort of man who doesn't actually LISTEN TO YOU and just assumes and carries on his own way.

You need to block him. Don't enter into any back and forth, don't try to justify yourself, don't argue or agree or hear him out or any of the other things he will try to do. Just block him.

You are young and there are better people out there. Don't get together with someone who isn't right for you because you assume it's better than being alone. Trust me, it isn't.

JazzyTheDog · 17/05/2020 09:15

Just ghost him or whatever the latest fashion is in dumping. He’s about as useful as dog sh*t on the bottom of your shoe.

Original poster
MamaOl · 17/05/2020 09:15

@zaphodsotherhead The part where you said about him not listening to me is so true. I told him this just last night, and his response was that he ignored that message and sent me a video on WhatsApp instead 🙄 he then said at 11pm that I was ignoring him because I didn’t respond to the video. One rule for him, another for me. 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Dollyrocket · 17/05/2020 09:18

OP the only way past this is to 100% block this cretin on all possible channels. It’s the only way to get your power back. Everything else is just you waiting for him to respond or reply and throw you some crumbs.

You basically need to rip off the plaster now and suck up the pain for a few days. Each days he’s blocked will allow you to hold your power and realise the strength it gives you.

Hoppinggreen · 17/05/2020 09:37

why are you so bothered about "looking bad"?
Who do you look bad to?
Is it so important to you that you will stay in a shitty relationship with a man who admits he doesn't love you?

SueEllenMishke · 17/05/2020 09:49

He sounds incredibly immature even without the 'mother issue'.
You've done the right thing.

81Byerley · 17/05/2020 09:52

If you were my daughter I'd be really upset that you're going through this. you've told him how you feel, now block him. He doesn't even respect you enough to really hear what you are trying to say to him. A bit like a spoiled child who knows that if he smiles sweetly and changes the subject, Mummy will forget that he's just been rude to her. He has manipulated you after you sent him your first message, so that you felt guilty, and he thought 'well that worked'. Show him it didn't work. A simple message like "Sorry, I did tell you how I feel, I won't be contacting you again"....and stick by it. It doesn't make you look bad, it makes you look strong. But to be honest, does it really matter what he thinks? He doesn't love or respect you, he doesn't deserve those things from you.

Original poster
MamaOl · 17/05/2020 09:56

@81Byerley wow, I didn’t think of it like that at all. Thank you, that’s really put it in perspective for me x 💛

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 17/05/2020 10:05

He sounds a nightmare. You really deserve a better man in your life. Someone more mature, not just older. He’s living at home, not conducting the relationship like a mature man, and turning it round on you when you’ve said something (telling you that you had to make some compromises too). Your latest message is fine, but I’d add, “we’ve tried a second time already and it hasn’t worked. I don’t think it’s worth discussing again. I wish you all the best.” Then block. You’re never going to find a good relationship while you’re fussing over a bad one.

Susanna85 · 17/05/2020 10:27

Save yourself a whole lot of time and energy and stop messaging him. Stop contact for good.
Easier said than done but delete him. It's the only way, surely? There is no point at all going round and round in circles with him. He won't change. Save your emotions for yourself and someone nice who may well come along in the future. Good luck to you.

Flyingf1edgelings · 17/05/2020 10:32

He is 42 lives with his mum, never lived away from her, the man has no ambition.
He was in a 7.5 year relationship and never lived with her and didnt love her, he doesnt love you and never will, I'm sorry, he is incapable.
He is still attached to he mothers tit.
Please dont carry on with this and let your child see you constantly upset and disappointed.

Candyfloss99 · 17/05/2020 10:36

You've told him you love him and he's replied by saying he doesn't love you. This is all you need to know. Have some self respect and dump him.

LizzieLoafer · 17/05/2020 10:45

All I’ve ever wanted is relationships is to be in one, I don’t want to be alone, truthfully

OP you need to block him now. You need to find your self worth before you get back into dating or you will be taken advantage of again.

You can't sacrifice your dignity or self esteem just to not be alone. What does that teach your child?

How can he respect you as a mother if he sees you being walked over.

begoniapot · 17/05/2020 11:00

All the mum issues aside, he says he doesn't love you? Why stay with someone who says that?

ohlookthisisjustdaftnow · 17/05/2020 11:07

he agreed to compromise on things if I agreed to change things too.

What did he agree to compromise on, and what does he want you to agree to change about yourself?

Original poster
MamaOl · 17/05/2020 11:12

He’s just responded to my text. He said “you just spoke a load of crap”

😬

OP posts:
BertiesLanding · 17/05/2020 11:15

If you have any more to do with this man, it's on you, OP. There is no redeeming feature about him, so why do anything other than block him?