His mum is an issue?

[MamaOl]

I’m 27 and my boyfriend is 42. We’ve been together officially for 5 months, been in each other’s lives for 7 months. We don’t live together, he lives with his mum and I live with my son in my own place.

I’m really conflicted, his Mum has never met me and she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to however I know no reasons as to why, as she doesn’t know me. My boyfriend can’t FaceTime me in the house, he has to go out to his car to FaceTime me, he doesn’t speak about me to her, he doesn’t love me even though I’ve told him I love him.
I’ve told him how much his actions about “hiding me away” about going out the house etc to call me but he doesn’t care.

Can I just get people's advice on what they think about this? I have my own opinion however I need outside perspective. Thanks x

Have you met his brother?

You do know that its entirely possible that he is sending messages from a second device, pretending to be his brother, just to keep dragging you back into this crappy little drama?

I wouldn't be at all surprised if the health threats and silent treatment was how his mother keeps him in order. And now he's doing the same to you. He's in his 40s ffs. This is not a man who's going to grow out of the habits of a lifetime any time soon, or will even see any reason why he should.

It started with the mother but it's him too, now. You can't fix it. Walk away. He will get over it, or if by some freakish chance he doesn't it will be because he was far more broken than you knew. It will not be your fault - any of it. Believe us - most of us have been there.

Honestly, I know you care about him & so this hurts you but you have to focus & stop making excuses - this is a bad situation, you'd be a fool to walk back into it so just feel your feelings, put him behind you and then work on your self-esteem.

None of this is really about him, it's really about your belief that anything is better than being single. It really isn't.

Would you want your child to grow up to behave like him?

@funnylittlefloozie Yes I have met his brother x

They broke up on 17th. He has had zero contact with her since. She is messaging him and is being irritated that he isn't responding. All this can be magically cured by her leaving him alone now they have split up. Is not rocket science.

Dear OP,

Everyone on here can see that you are hurting at the moment.
Everyone can see that the only way for you to stop the hurt is to have NOTHING more to do with any of them.

You sound like a very caring person, but that wanker does not have your best interests at heart, does he?

Please just block, ignore, move on with your life and start looking into why you would put up with that kind of treatment from anyone.

Good luck!

@ZorbaTheHoarder thank you I appreciate you understanding I’m just being caring and concerned after what I was told - i know I have made a mistake by sending that letter but he won’t respond, I know he won’t as he’s ghosted me on other forms of contact - so I’ll just have to face being embarrassed by that but know I did try my best. Thanks x

What would you say to your child in this scenario? He has effectively taken all the power back and now has you sending him letters apologising for standing up for yourself?

He's treated you terribly. He doesn't love you,ignores your needs and has you worrying about his mental health - do you think he's worrying about yours? Or did it any point during your relationship?

I agree with PPs, if you keep going down this route, you're putting yourself in a really bad situation and not getting anything back from him.

It's 5 months, you have a child that you need to put first. Please stop spending time and energy on someone who doesn't want to spend it on you.

OP you keep saying that you are doing these things because you are kind, caring, nice but how true can that be? You keep trying to contact a person who doesn't reply, has shown no interest in replying to you, has not even read your messages. You then write a letter knowing that will land on the mat so they can't mute that contact. You are prolonging this drama for reasons only you know. You are getting something out of this behaviour, what need is it fulfilling in you?

@Dontbeme As I have said in previous replies, I sent it as a spur of the moment in concern to what I was told by his brother, I was worried about him. I can’t just drop my feelings for him or stop caring, especially not when I was told that. I have also said I do regret sending that letter now due to him obviously talking to his brother, I made a mistake but it was based on information I was given. 😊

I did similar with my ex - different method but it was all to catch me back on the hook. He didn't want me - he clearly told me so, but when I finally got the message and did fuck off, he made every effort to lure me back in.

And I fell for it, just like you did. I was a kind, trusting person, like you. I put myself and my feelings last, like you. Eventually I changed my phone number so he couldn't keep fucking with my head. He got off on it you see. Gave him a real thrill. He probably wanked to my pain.

So yes, I cringed when I look back at the ways I let him manipulate me. But I choose to look at those cringy bits as a defining moment for me getting my balls back. The moment where I realised I matter and that I should put myself first. And I did and continued to do so I am proud of who I've become. So ok, you sent a letter, ok cringe a bit. Call it your swansong to putting up with dickheads from now on.

There seems to be quite a few posts lately of women in pointless relationships, 100s of pp tell her to dump, block and days later she still hand wringing 'oh I'm worried about him' blah blah
OP all you're doing is making a fool of yourself over a man who doesn't love you.
He's got you where he wants you, anxious, pleading for him to
talk to you.
Seriously, grow up and put yourself and your child first.

Just to add; you dated for 20 weeks and you're carrying on like he's the love of your life plus he's actually said to your face he doesn't love you, do you enjoy being humiliated??

@Halestorm Hi thank you for sharing your story too - I made the decision yesterday to not message him any more as I had sent the letter, I have stuck to that - still haven’t heard from him & I don’t think he’ll respond to my letter either.
Weird thing is he’s been checking my Instagram and Facebook stories (so I know he’s fine) but why do this and not just text me to let me know he’s okay and that’s it? Baffling to me xx

why do this and not just text me to let me know he’s okay and that’s it?
Because it was never about his mental health. It was about putting you back in your place. It was about him needing to have the upper hand and you off balance, unsure, needing him. Ignoring you gives him power over you. - that's why he did it. You showed him what you would tolerate and he kept pushing that bar lower and lower to see what's the lowest you will go. Then when you copped on, he used fake distress to reel you back in.

Make no mistake, he's a nasty fucker.
It's really not baffling at all.

If I were him I'd be worried you'd lost your marbles and I might have a quick nosey at your SM.

Anyway, if he were blocked you wouldn't be able to indulge your obsession would you? Block him on everything.

but why do this and not just text me to let me know he’s okay and that’s it? Baffling to me

You've known this guy for five months and you can't work out why he might try to manipulate you like this? Really?

He doesn't want you to know he's okay. He wants you to worry. He wants you to suffer. 'How dare she dump the great glorious ME! How dare she try to take any control over her life, does she not realise that I am the only person who may control her? Let her suffer, let her stew...'

If he's even thinking that much. It's more likely he's just gone 'meh' and signed up to new dating sites.

I think you are baffled by the idea of someone being an out and out dickhead.

I think you have never before dealt with the type of man who sees women as little more than a hole and will say any old shite when he's horny or lining you up for when he is horny.

Thanks everyone for your messages to my thread - I have accepted I won’t hear from him and I’m going to just do my best now to move on from him fully - thanks guys 👋❤️

Why haven’t you blocked him on socials and deleted his number!

If you’ve accepted (again) that you won’t have contact, then why not delete and block?

I've accepted I won't hear from him
Why would you want to hear from him?
I'm really astounded that a 27 yr old is this naive!
Every pp has told you to block him, he's a user and still your clinging on, honestly if he gets in touch with a sob story I'll take a wild guess you'll be back there like a good little girl

Disengage from this toxic family.

This stunted man’s primary emotional relationship is with his mother. From the get-go he has diminished you. I can just picture him frantically hiding his phone when mummy comes in and sneaking out to the car to contact you.

He has told you that he doesn’t love you. He expects you to give when he won’t and to be happy with his crumbs. You’ve been manipulated and disregarded. He calls your feelings and boundaries “crap.”

He won’t change, but you have offered to change in your letter. Are you hoping that he will contact you and accept your offer? Where will you be then? Still a secret, still unheard, still accommodating his dysfunction and contempt.

Empower yourself. Block him and his brother and move forward. He would be a terrible role model for your son. Don’t you and your child deserve much better?

OP what will you do in a months time when he finally replies to you and asks to meet or talk?

@LouHotel I honestly don’t think he will reply to me, he’s had chances to reply x

What would you think if he was to reply in a few days or weeks time?