Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His mum is an issue?

348 replies

MamaOl · 14/05/2020 09:19

I’m 27 and my boyfriend is 42. We’ve been together officially for 5 months, been in each other’s lives for 7 months. We don’t live together, he lives with his mum and I live with my son in my own place.

I’m really conflicted, his Mum has never met me and she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to however I know no reasons as to why, as she doesn’t know me. My boyfriend can’t FaceTime me in the house, he has to go out to his car to FaceTime me, he doesn’t speak about me to her, he doesn’t love me even though I’ve told him I love him.
I’ve told him how much his actions about “hiding me away” about going out the house etc to call me but he doesn’t care.

Can I just get people's advice on what they think about this? I have my own opinion however I need outside perspective. Thanks x

OP posts:
LudaMusser · 14/05/2020 10:10

He sounds like a real catch

2Finallypregnant · 14/05/2020 10:11

If he told you he doesn’t love, how is his mum the problem?

Heatherjayne1972 · 14/05/2020 10:11

He’s already in a ‘relationship’
With his mum
She will always be his first priority.

You can do better than this mummy’s boy
I’d move on

sunshineandlollypops · 14/05/2020 10:15

He tells you he doesn't love you.
He is 42 and lives with this domineering mother.
He 'hides you' away.
What do you find endearing about this man?

yorkshirecountrylass · 14/05/2020 10:17

Oh love, regardless of who he lives with he is an utter waste of time and headspace. He's told you he doesn't love you. He was in a seven+ year relationship and didn't love them either he says. You have a child, you don't need another and this is exactly what he is. Run, run as fast as you can he doesn't love you he's a mummy's man (well, boy!). You're too young to waste your life with a man who can't even say to his Mum "look I get that you're not happy and I'm sorry about that, but she is my partner and a part of my life so you need to respect my decision even if you don't like her." You're not asking her to move in with you, just to have a conversation! Text him (he really doesn't deserve more!), tell him you're feelings are obviously different to his and so you wish him well and would prefer NC from now on. Then block on everything and walk away x

Whatisthisfuckery · 14/05/2020 10:18

OK, the harsh wasn’t the correct approach. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t, but seriously OP, you’re pinning you hopes on a bloke who doesn’t want you.Why would you want a bloke who doesn’t want you? There are literally millions of blokes out there, some of whom are bound to want you.

It sounds to me like you have a really low bar for what you expect from a relationship. Honestly you really don’t need to set your bar that low, in fact you could raise it considerably and still accept less than you deserve.

Dup this loser and concentrate on yourself and your boy. When you feel more confident in yourself you won’t have to worry about where to set the bar because it’ll be at the right level already.

Windyatthebeach · 14/05/2020 10:23

Is he called Timothy??
He is a dead horse op.
Ltb.

Reallynowdear · 14/05/2020 10:24

This has absolutely nothing to do with his mother.

The man you are with isn't acting like the adult you want him to be, that's your problem.

He will not change as he doesn't want to.

Please stop blaming his mother, she is not the issue and I think you know this.

Reallynowdear · 14/05/2020 10:27

Who has insulted you?

SporadicNamechange · 14/05/2020 10:27

I’m sorry you’re feeling insulted @MamaOl.

I think, though, that everyone commenting on this thread genuinely thinks that you are worth so much more than you’re getting in this relationship.

Many of us have been in situations where our self esteem and expectations from relationships have been far too low, and we’ve put up with situations that we should have stamped out quickly. I most certainly have.

I wish I could go back and tell 27 year old me that she is brilliant and loveable and not to settle for anything less than a great relationship. Because it was true, even if I couldn’t recognise it.

I really would recommend some counselling because it is so much harder to cultivate good boundaries and a healthy sense of self than most if us are willing to admit.

Original poster
MamaOl · 14/05/2020 10:33

@sporadicnamechange it wasn’t from you. I appreciate your previous message, I really agreed with it, and thank you for saying about my worth. I just don’t know how to end it now tbh, he’s very deflective when it comes to me talking or telling him how I feel

OP posts:
Whatisthisfuckery · 14/05/2020 10:39

No, it was me who insulted the OP.

OP just block him on everything and dont’ respond if he tries to get in touch with you. You really don’t owe him anything, he’s done nothing for you apart from make you confused and miserable. He’s a pretty low sort if he’s happy to keep you stringing along when he knows you’re wanting more than he can give, so just cut the loser loose and move on.

binkyblinky · 14/05/2020 10:41

If he doesn't feel he loves you after 5 months, then perhaps he won't in the future. Don't waste your time with him. Find someone who worships you and move on xx

Original poster
MamaOl · 14/05/2020 10:42

@Whatisthisfuckery Thank you. Yeah I know, sad truth is he’s told me what he wants, he wants marriage and kids, says he always has. But I’m questioning the honesty of this given he’s never had that with his ex’s, never been engaged even. Etc x

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 14/05/2020 10:45

Advice on how to end it. Tell him it’s not working for you and you want to end the relationship. Wish him well and then block him on everything.

This man is a waste of your precious time

Whatisthisfuckery · 14/05/2020 10:53

He can say whatever words pop into his head at the time, doesn’t make them true, and he could mean it but just not want those things with you.

The important thing you need to take notice of here is his behaviour, and his behaviour suggests he’s not that bothered about you or what you want. He’s very disrespectful towards you, and if he’s disrespectful now, at the start of a relationship, which is the best bit and when a prospective partner would be on their best behaviour, it doesn’t say much for what you’d have in store if you hang around for the newness to wear off.

His mum is a red herring here, because if he genuinely cared about you and saw a future with you he’d ignore her. he’s a 42 year old man, not a 14 year old boy. I’m sure he does plenty of other things his mummy doesn’t approve of.

Honestly he’s a waste of your time and your emotional energy. It’s not even him you love, it’s what you’d like him to be, because the way he’s behaving towards you isn’t remotely lovable or attractive.

SporadicNamechange · 14/05/2020 10:56

I think (despite putting it harshly) @Whatisthisfuckery very clearly also thinks you deserve much more than you are currently imagining. And you definitely do.

Honestly, dumping this one is easy. Given the situation, you can probably just send him a text saying that you are not getting what you need and deserve in this relationship and that you’ve decided to end it. Then block him everywhere.

He’s unlikely to be that bothered anyway. He’s told you as much.

Original poster
MamaOl · 14/05/2020 10:59

I’ve just messaged him this..
This one sided relationship where I love you and you don’t love me, isn’t working for me. I can’t live my life with always being hidden away, and I definitely don’t want a relationship that has to have your mum’s input in it. I deserve way way more than waiting for you to love me, maybe, one day. This relationship has no future as long as you’re treating me the way you are, which sadly isn’t gonna change. I wish you well.

And he literally didn’t even care. 😢

OP posts:
MzHz · 14/05/2020 11:01

he doesn’t love me even though I’ve told him I love him.

Sweetheart ^ this is why you end it. You are worth soooooo much more than this!

Think about it, if he’s failed to launch in his 40s, he’ll NEVER launch! You need a MAN, not a manchild.

The way you bring this to a close is to say that on reflection you’re not on the same pages as each other and that you wish him well, but you won’t be seeing him again after lockdown ends.

Your son deserves a better role model in his life. Your son NEEDS to see how important love is. How else can he learn to have a good relationship when he’s older if he sees his mum settling for a selfish and cold hearted bloke who doesn’t love her.

I know what it’s like to be looking for the man that’s right for you, and I VERY nearly gave up. I had to end a couple of relationships where he either didn’t value/love me enough, or who didn’t listen to my boundaries and tried to ride roughshod over them. You have to keep your wits about you, you have to keep hold of faith, believe that you’re worth being happy. It takes every fibre of your being, but Don’t. Give. Up.

SporadicNamechange · 14/05/2020 11:01

Well done. That was a brilliant way of putting it.

The fact he doesn’t care is just confirmation that you were right. And that he is a total arsehole.

Now you can work on fully realizing how brilliant you are and what kind of relationship you deserve to have (when you’re ready for getting back into things).

Zaphodsotherhead · 14/05/2020 11:04

He didn't care because he instantly showed that message to his mum who said that it was good riddance, you weren't good enough for him, he can do better, he'll find The One for him, now be a good boy and go and make her a cup of tea and find her slippers, she thinks she left them in the lounge but they might be upstairs.

I can practically guarantee it.

MzHz · 14/05/2020 11:04

Ah! Cross post!

Well done love! I know it’s sad, but that will pass. It’s disappointment mostly, but you can’t make him be a man when he isn’t.

He’s actually taking up the space in your life and potentially blocking your happiness by preventing you meeting someone who DOES love you.

Keep posting if it helps? We’re here for you!

Original poster
MamaOl · 14/05/2020 11:04

@sporadicnamechange Thank you, really hard to see he really doesn’t care. You’re too kind xx

OP posts:
tenlittlecygnets · 14/05/2020 11:05

He is 42 ... he lives with his mum ... I’ve told him how much his actions about “hiding me away” about going out the house etc to call me but he doesn’t care.

Man child stuck at home under Mummy's thumb. Very odd relationship dynamic going on there. You're well out of it, and you deserve more!

Whatisthisfuckery · 14/05/2020 11:05

You’ve done it now, and now you know for sure.

Look, you’ve been seeing him for such a short time. It’ll suck for a couple of days, but honestly, what will there be to miss.

Go and play with your son. Fill the hours when you aren’t doing things with him by doing things for yourself, watch crap on the telly, read a book, listen to some music. He’ll be a slightly cringeworthy memory before you know it.