His mum is an issue?

[MamaOl]

I’m 27 and my boyfriend is 42. We’ve been together officially for 5 months, been in each other’s lives for 7 months. We don’t live together, he lives with his mum and I live with my son in my own place.

I’m really conflicted, his Mum has never met me and she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to however I know no reasons as to why, as she doesn’t know me. My boyfriend can’t FaceTime me in the house, he has to go out to his car to FaceTime me, he doesn’t speak about me to her, he doesn’t love me even though I’ve told him I love him.
I’ve told him how much his actions about “hiding me away” about going out the house etc to call me but he doesn’t care.

Can I just get people's advice on what they think about this? I have my own opinion however I need outside perspective. Thanks x

@TorkTorkBam is right.

My boyfriend can’t FaceTime me in the house, he has to go out to his car to FaceTime me, he doesn’t speak about me to her, he doesn’t love me even though I’ve told him I love him

What on earth are you doing with this mummy's boy who, at 15 years older than you, hasn't even had the gumption to make a life of his own? What on earth could be the attraction..?!

42 & has to go out to phone you as he's scared mummy dearest will hear. Come on...

This cannot be real. But if it is - He's living with a woman and it's not his mum. Or if his mum's there then so is his woman, all sharing the home. Bit naive to think not married = no partner. You are being taken for an absolute mug.

Ask yourself why a man could approach you with such a deadbeat wimpish story & you'd even be interested to the point you're hanging around being his secret. He must've seen you coming. Sometimes we have to be honest about our own part in enabling ridiculous situations. & To want more out of life for ourselves too. At the very least, believe we deserve more.

@TorkTorkBam you’re wrong, I don’t think that. But his brother messaging me saying that he’s not himself and depressed because I dumped him, has made me want to reach out and say sorry and make sure he’s ok.
That’s not ego. That’s called being a nice person and still caring about someone.
He’s withdrawn from everyone. It’s my fault.

Well no it’s not your fault but it does sound like you’re thriving on the drama a bit...

It’s his fault and he’s clearly a Norman Bates type.
If he is depressed about being dumped, well we all are; it doesn’t change anything. You get over it and move on. You were upset about his treatment of you but he didn’t give a fuck, change or listen.

"But his brother messaging me saying that he’s not himself and depressed because I dumped him, has made me want to reach out and say sorry and make sure he’s ok. That’s not ego. That’s called being a nice person and still caring about someone"

No, that is called codependency, reaching out as you did meets some unmet codependent need in you. Who taught you to be codependent as well, it was likely one of your parents. You are mired in codependent behaviour and its harming you immensely and also causing you to make poor relationship decisions.

Why did his brother call you anyway, what can you do anyway that he and his mother apparently cannot?. There is being nice and there is being a sucker for some sob story.

And why is it your fault he is apparently this upset, why are you accepting any level of blame here for him?. HE has chosen to act as he has done and you went on to finally dump him. Your mistake here was getting involved with this man in the first place.

Getting in contact is giving hope you'll come back then you will say no you are still dumped and that will be worse.

His brother can give him a shoulder to cry on when he's ready.

You broke up. That's a normal event. When people break up they don't turn to the now ex for comfort. That's absolutely bonkers of you to put yourself forward as his shoulder to cry on. It's not nice at all.

Other people are quite capable and are more appropriate for comfort. Block the lot of them.

Well boo-hoo for him.

He should have been nicer to you then, shouldn't he? He's forty fucking two, he can cope with the disappointment of a woman (who, let's not forget, he didn't love, didn't want to move in with, and had to sneak out to talk to) deciding that he wasn't God's gift to her after all.

He's not depressed, he's just in a snit.

Not your fault, not your responsibility.
Don't get involved, let his family get off their backsides and see to him

If someone has behaved atrociously, as he has done, then it is entirely appropriate for him to take himself off to think about what he has done.

Don't try to make him feel better. He should feel bad.

Feeling bad is a cue to rethink his behaviour so he doesn't make this happen again with his next girlfriend.

That's how human social learning works. Let it work!

I dumped him, has made me want to reach out and say sorry and make sure he’s ok.
That’s not ego. That’s called being a nice person and still caring about someone

No. You're being a doormat.

He’s withdrawn from everyone. It’s my fault.

It most certainly is NOT your fault. He clearly has friends and family who can help him. What about his mum? He is not your responsibility. Please do not let him and his family guilt-trip you.

So he's sulking because he can't get his own way!

Everyone feel sorry for this poor, poor man who's so mature, kind and - oops, no, I don't think so.

For goodness sake OP it is not you fault and while you might think you are being a nice person you are acting like an idiot. I know you are hurting, but renewing any contact with this man, or his family, is going to cause you far more pain further down the road.

Please take care of yourself and your family.

Let his family worry about him.

Yeah I can see now that his brother was trying to guilt trip me. I’m ashamed of myself to say it worked as I’ve sent him a letter and a text, the letter obviously hasn’t got to him yet but the text has. I feel like such a mug. Please don’t tell me I am, I know it 😪

So his brother wasn't trying to guilt trip you, he was successfully guilt tripping you.

As long as the letter was of the 'I hope you are all right, I mean you no ill will but your fuckwit behaviour was what ruined this relationship and will continue to do so as long as you are still umbilically attached to your mother' kind, and you never, ever speak to him or communicate with him as long as you live, you may get away with it.

@Mama0l

Please don't get sucked into all of this. His brother shouldn't have contacted you. You have a right to end a relationship (if you can call it that) without having to answer to anyone. There's a chance this is his plan to get you back into contact. Think of yourself and your child. You both don't need this nonsense in your life. You'll find someone who is more matched to you, who will want to show you off to the world and who will love you as much as you love them. Stay strong!

@FlyingTinOfBeans thank you honey. That’s really helped and also made me smile. Just wish I had posted on here before I posted that letter! Xx

So I reached out by sending the letter (I know it hasn’t got there yet) but also sent that text, and I know he’s got the text but now his brother is saying he’s switched his calls and messages off?? And then I saw both of them on messenger until 2am together
I don’t understand why they are doing this to me, I don’t also understand why** my ex is now ignoring me point blank?
I know he’s my ex but I was just trying to care 🤦🏻‍♀️

They think you'll fall for it.

They're letting you stew so you get worried enough to forget all about the breakup and show up, 80s movie style, at his house with a boom box and a declaration of undying love and a promise you'll never hurt him that badly again.

And then he can carry on living with mummy, dismissing your needs and you can't say anything in case you tip him over the edge again. Because this is all designed to teach you that he is not to be questioned and the responsibility is all on you to make him happy at the cost of your own happiness.

You need to find a way to shut his brother down. Put it back on him.

"I'm sorry to hear that. I know he likes memes, maybe you could send him some funny videos to cheer him up? I'm afraid I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. I wish you both all the best and hope you hear from him soon."

Urgh they are both abusive twats. OP listen to your gut and all the experience being thrown at you here in kindness. Stop engaging with this family! Focus on your life and your child and your future.

@PhilipJennings And then he can carry on living with mummy, dismissing your needs and you can't say anything in case you tip him over the edge again. Because this is all designed to teach you that he is not to be questioned and the responsibility is all on you to make him happy at the cost of your own happiness.

Is this really the case? 😔

Oh yes, absolutely. Whether he knows he's doing it or not, it's a really childish attempt at manipulation.

He's letting you know that YOU have really wounded him, so that you feel bad, and fall over yourself trying to kiss it better and take away the hurt. And then you'll know not to do it again! It's putting all the responsibility of protecting his feelings on to you. If he feels bad, you need to feel bad too. If you feel bad, you'll try to fix it and make it better.

It's another way of him taking no responsibility for his own part in the breakup. If you're tempted to go back, listen to the message that you've "ruined his happiness" by daring to be unhappy with this highly unsatisfactory excuse for a relationship and if you want to fix him you'll go right back. That's the only outcome that they really want. He has other friends or family members to help him through a breakup. Why you? There's nothing else you could do for him, honestly, is there?

Take heed - and run a mile.

@PhilipJennings the letter I sent him has done just that 😣 he won’t have it just yet due to postal dates but I’ve basically sent him a letter apologising for everything I said to him, promising things would be better out of lockdown and that I was just stressed because of lockdown and the implant giving me mood swings etc so I promised to change things.

The likelihood is he won’t even respond to my letter by messaging me because he hasn’t responded to any of my texts so far in the past few days when his brother first alerted me to their “concern over his mental health” as they put it

God I really am a mug 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yes, I'm afraid you are.