His mum is an issue?

[MamaOl]

I’m 27 and my boyfriend is 42. We’ve been together officially for 5 months, been in each other’s lives for 7 months. We don’t live together, he lives with his mum and I live with my son in my own place.

I’m really conflicted, his Mum has never met me and she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to however I know no reasons as to why, as she doesn’t know me. My boyfriend can’t FaceTime me in the house, he has to go out to his car to FaceTime me, he doesn’t speak about me to her, he doesn’t love me even though I’ve told him I love him.
I’ve told him how much his actions about “hiding me away” about going out the house etc to call me but he doesn’t care.

Can I just get people's advice on what they think about this? I have my own opinion however I need outside perspective. Thanks x

Oh dear I am shocked to read the contents of the letter. Block his brother and move on

Why are you apologising and literally begging for a second chance you don't want to make him feel better? Did he make ANY changes to make you feel better? Nope! So with a choice of you miserable or him miserable, you've decided you miserable is the way to go?

Text one last time saying letter was a mistake, to ignore it completely. Then block ffs. And block his bloody brother too (If it was actually his brother - cos who the fuck texts his brother's ex dumping his mh on her?).

You're being a naive mug and deluding yourself that's it's you being too caring like it's a positive trait. You are taking full responsibility for an already obviously damaged man's emotional state, but not caring about your own! That's a dangerous trait. You need boundaries. And the first one you need to learn is that your mh comes first. The 2nd is that you are not responsible for his. Everyone feels bad after getting dumped. Everyone!! That's a fact of life.

It was a five month relationship ffs. If he can't deal with being dumped after a short relationship he can't cope with a relationship.

Block. Block. Block. Then block some more!

Best case scenario, Mummy intercepts the letter and bins it before he sees it, but yes, get your retraction in before he has a chance to revel in your compliance. Good luck.

@MamaOl oh dear! Well, treat it as a learning experience. You know now, and you'll be alert to it. It's interesting that he still lives with mummy because this is exactly how a child exaggerates a hurt to make mummy respond and soothe them, isn't it? You already parent one child. Honestly, it's for the best, as you'd end up parenting Peter Pan too. He's not ready to grow up!

You can get ahead of it. Just because he's not responding to your messages doesn't mean he's not reading them. So send a short one saying you've sent a letter, you sent it on impulse having second thoughts on hearing he wasn't coping well, but on reflection you feel that the breakup was for the best and please throw it in the bin unread as it won't be good for his mh. And now you're going to go no contact for a while to give each other space to process the end of the relationship. You wish him all the best.

Oh god I hope his mother doesn’t intercept it 😂🤦🏻‍♀️ made me laugh.

As for texting him, he’s literally not read any messages at all as he has read receipts on & they’re not getting read. Last one read was Thursday morning and he never replied and hasn’t read the other ones I sent. He’s deliberately ignoring me and I’m stressing over how he is because I don’t know if he’s ok or not because his brother says he’s not himself and that he’s depressed and had enough. My friend said that’s obviously going to make me worry 😔

So he's chatting to his brother and you can see that he's online. So you know he's not dead. He has form for controlling you. And you can't see that he's deliberately not reading your messages to worry you and make you grovel to get in contact with him?

Of course he's okay! He's talking to his brother! The only reason he's not talking to you is that he likes the fact that you are worrying yourself silly over him. He likes making you upset! Because he knows that, when he finally does speak to you again you will be so grateful that you will pour yourself all over him and accept any little crumbs that he offers you!

He's not depressed. He's sad because his (very short and abusive) relationship is over. So what? He's a big boy. he'll get over it. Mummy is probably cooking him his 'special dinner' right now to help him over his boo-boo.

@Zaphodsotherhead I do understand what you’re saying to be honest, however I struggle to realise why his brother is saying they’re worried about his mental health, isn’t talking to anyone, isn’t himself, and my ex is not reading or replying to any of my messages. It just seems to me he isn’t okay? I know men do struggle with mental health too so I don’t wanna rule it out?

My family say if he wanted to talk to me he would, but he isn’t, so if he really is waiting for me to keep messaging etc, why isn’t he entertaining it?

I’m so confused
😫

@Zaphodsotherhead I have been messaging him, but he isn’t replying etc so if he does want me to grovel and he’s got that, why is it he still isn’t talking to me? Think that’s what I mean x

Oh dear, MamaOl you have a lot to learn about human nature!

Does your DC ever sulk if denied a treat?

He's doing that.

however I struggle to realise why his brother is saying they’re worried about his mental health

1-His family are used to pandering to the little prick.
2-His brother is acting on the little pricks behalf to worry you.
3-They were both raised in a home where this nonsense is "normal" behaviour and is how they treat people in their life.
4-Aliens have abducted them both and implanted some kind of technology where they tell you Prince Charming is weeping into his pillow with angst yet evidence proves he is chatting at all hours of the night with darling Bro, his wingman in fuckery.

Pick one of the above options and become less confused OP, give your head a wobble, you are enjoying the angst, maybe you are perfect for each other after all.

@MamaOl - I think you really have to stop trying to figure him out, and really try to stop caring about him. He is not a nice person, he just wants to feel like you are chasing after him, it's all for his ego. He doesn't love you he actually said this. You should draw a line under this, decide for yourself that you are not going to be treated this way, and concentrate on loving yourself and your child.

Wishing you luck.

Honestly OP I think you need counselling. Why are you doing this to yourself? There are so many better men out there and you are so young. Why will you not take everyone's advice and block him? You are obsessing over him by checking what time he is on messenger and filling your day by thinking about him. I get that lockdown is boring but join a dating site and chat to some other men to take your mind off him or something. MOVE ON.

He's not replying either cos he's decided you haven't been punished enough and his brother is pandering to him because the family is totally dysfunctional OR he is trying to move on, knows nothing about his brother's meddling, and wants you to leave him the fuck alone. But you're refusing to take the blatant hints! Why?

Under normal circumstances the last thing I'd want is the person who dumped me texting again and again asking me if I was ok (of course I'm not, I just got dumped. By you. D'oh). If this was a normal relationship, I'd say let the poor man move on. He's ignoring your messages so stop hassling him. In normal circumstances his brother would not contact his brother's ex after such a short relationship. He'd be telling his brother to grieve, cut contact, to move on. And help him and his mh himself.

But this wasn't a normal relationship - his relationship with his family is enmeshed and totally dysfunctional. So I'll say, leave the man alone for your own sake.

He's in touch with his brother regularly so you know he's ok. He may be a sad and withdrawn but that's what happens when you're dumped ffs.

He has many many issues that you cannot help with. But you've seem to have issues too, you're codependant, lacking in boundaries, lacking in self care and self love. You can't let go, even when you know it's best for you. You can't stop taking responsibility for a man whose issues started long before he meet you. You texting and writing and begging him to take you back and swearing to change are not going to fix him and his mh. But it's gonna fuck yours up!

@Zaphodsotherhead And you can't see that he's deliberately not reading your messages to worry you and make you grovel to get in contact with him?

I have messaged him so if this is what he wanted, why isn’t he replying? I don’t get it x

BLOCK HIM.

He is isn’t replying because he wants to punish you and make you suffer, so that when you finally hear from him you’re so grateful and relieved that you never ask him for anything ever again.

FUCK THIS DUDE. Seriously. Block him, put this behind you, stop letting yourself be dragged into his bullshit.

Remember that ex he didn’t love for 7.5 years? Tricks like this are what made her waste almost a decade of her life on this idiot. Don’t piss away your life running around after someone who doesn’t care about you OP, and please get some therapy. This isn’t a healthy reaction to verb clear red flags.

Best of luck.

He didn't want you to message him so he could talk to you, he wanted to watch you falling over yourself to get some contact from him - maybe to teach you a lesson for daring to dump him. And you're doing just that.

This is painful - I know this is hard but you have to get a bit of respect for yourself. This is a game for them and you are playing along. Are you enjoying that drama? Do you think that this is some evidence that maybe he cares after all? It really, really isn't.

What @LondonCrone said.

PLEASE block him, it's an attempt at control to ignore you, which is working because you think you've upset him. Block him and his brother and anyone else. You may think you're strong enough not to respond , but sadly you're not.
None of this is your fault. He sounds incapable of having a normal relationship.
Concentrate on your son , and in the future you'll meet someone nice.

You don't have to 'get' it! It doesn't matter why. Why do you care? Why do you need to 'get it'? There are only two outcomes of your compulsion to try 'get it':. 1. He continues to ignore you and you twist yourself in knots obsessing about it and your mh suffers.. 2. He gets in touch and you allow yourself to get sucked back into a dysfunctional relationship and are now trained to pander to him because you're afraid he will withdraw again and your mh suffers.

Let it go! Stop trying to work out his motivations, and start working on yours. What are you getting out of this?

For whatever reason, he and his brother are messing you about. Ask yourself, 'do I want this relationship?' A question you had already answered. If the answer is 'no' and I hope it is, block him and his brother and move on with your life. Zero future communication. If you waver, post here for advice before acting.

You cannot make this nice. You will not be able to resolve your relationship with an emotionally immature person like this so that you can e.g. be friends in the future or try to make it work. If it was going to work it would have by now. You even told him how you feel and he promised to change then didn't.

The ONLY answer is to cut him and his drama out of your life entirely. Don't be drawn in again. In a years time your future self will thank you.

You really shouldn't want him to reply.

If he does speak to you you will go straight back to him - look how quickly you sent him that letter full of apologies and promises that YOU will change! All it took was his brother saying he'd gone a bit quiet? Which wasn't even true as you've seen them on messenger.

Do yourself a favour and step away. He doesn't care about you, he is playing with you until he gets bored. You will feel a lot better about yourself if you choose to end this rather than hang on until he's had enough of his little game.

I think I agree with what everyone else says - let go and stop asking "why"!

"Why" doesn't matter. At all. Getting caught up in puzzling out motivations isn't helping.

At the end of the day, you have to focus on the "what". You can never know what someone is thinking or feeling but you can look at what they are DOING and that will tell you more about them than they know themselves.

So this guy: doesn't love you, never made you a priority, has had a previous relationship that never progressed and presumably wasted her time for over 7 years, and is refusing to communicate with you. Firstly he wouldn't engage when you tried to express your discontent with the relationship and is still refusing to engage with you when you're trying to "be nice". Those actions - WHAT he does - are all the 🚩🚩🚩 you need. Why he does them isn't important. People have all got different motivations for things, but don't all behave badly because of their feelings. It's time to stop trying to fill the silence with how you imagine he's behaving or feeling. Sometimes you have to live with not knowing.

He's not dead. He's talking to his brother. The why of him refusing to get in touch with you is neither here nor there - the fact is, he isn't doing it and there's nothing to be gained by trying to work it out.

Lifes too short for this nonsense. Why are you wasting your time with him? Thats the question you really should be asking yourself. Is this the best you can do? Really?
Get a grip and block the loser.

• I was told by his brother they were concerned for his mental health
• was told by his brother he wasn’t talking to anyone and clearly wasn’t himself
• I messaged him to see if he was ok
• he’s constantly ignored my messages
• he’s got what he wants and is still ignoring me
• he’s going to get that letter in a few days
• I feel embarrassed
• I was only wanting to see if he was ok and apologise for affecting his mental health
• I never wanted that to happen 😫
• I’m really hurt by everything and struggling 😭