His mum is an issue?

[MamaOl]

I’m 27 and my boyfriend is 42. We’ve been together officially for 5 months, been in each other’s lives for 7 months. We don’t live together, he lives with his mum and I live with my son in my own place.

I’m really conflicted, his Mum has never met me and she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to however I know no reasons as to why, as she doesn’t know me. My boyfriend can’t FaceTime me in the house, he has to go out to his car to FaceTime me, he doesn’t speak about me to her, he doesn’t love me even though I’ve told him I love him.
I’ve told him how much his actions about “hiding me away” about going out the house etc to call me but he doesn’t care.

Can I just get people's advice on what they think about this? I have my own opinion however I need outside perspective. Thanks x

OP, I still cringe at a letter I sent one ex after he broke up with me 9 years ago (citing a reason I understood and actually empathised with, but I have since found out there was an OW).
Block him and his brother, stop taking responsibility for his feelings, get angry with the pair of them for trying to manipulate you like this.

You have absolutely no evidence his mh has been affected anymore than anyone else when they've been dumped. You have the word of HIS brother only. HIS brother who lied that he hasn't been talking to anyone, when it's obvious they've been online together REGULARLY. HIS brother doesn't care that you're hurt or struggling anymore than he does.

The only way you can stop how you are feeling is to block and deal with moving on. You can't fix him, but you can fix you. The longer you drag this out, the longer you are going to hurt and struggle. If you want to stop hurting and struggling you need to stop worrying about him hurting and start caring for YOURSELF more than some bloke you dated for five months who was already messed up!

And one last time for those at the back: block them all!

You are not responsible for another adults mental health. Leaving a relationship that doesn't work for you (kindly and with respect) is your right as an adult.

You are not at fault or to blame for his state of mind.

Sounds like the ex, brother and mother are all best avoided.

-You're going to be ok. Tell yourself this out loud if you can, try to do it a few times as speaking the words makes it more real and your voice will give you confidence.

• distracting yourself helps. Go and sit in the sunshine or take a walk with your child to the park and feed the ducks.
• block him. It's hard not knowing, but it's harder to be constantly checking and wondering, if his presence is still available to you.
• You've clearly got some sensible friends who have your back. Lean on them when you're tempted.
• for a five month relationship this level of drama is exhausting and you'll feel much better when you can redirect your energy to your child and your own ambitions for what you want out of life.

You wouldn't be posting on here if you didn't know deep down this wasn't working out. You've clearly got some good instincts underneath this, even if you let "being nice" make you second guess yourself. It's not nice or kind to volunteer to make yourself unhappy in order to please him, because you'll only make all three of you unhappy. Much kinder to step back and give him and you some space to move on.

You've got this. Go on, go and think about what to make and have for lunch and a plan for the afternoon and try and reclaim the space he's taking up in your head.

@MamaOl he is doing what he does. He is getting his kicks out of whatever it is he thinks is going on

You, and your need to be nice, to take responsibility, to care are feeding something in him.

You can stop. Stop trying to understand why, just see it for what it is... unhealthy and no good for you.

You can, and should, block them all.

But if you want to wallow in the drama of it a bit longer be prepared to feel far, far worse than you currently do.

You actually have control over this. You just have to decide to use it.

Omg this is such an infuriating thread.

Block him! Block the brother!
Stop sending messages and letters!
Get a hobby!

OP just read this. Gosh how exhausting for you. However, you need to help yourself, as he isn't going to.

1. delete his number, brother the whole lot and block That's it. Now if you want to feel better that's what you have to do.

You are a single mum, how would you react if this was your DD in this situation? You would tell her to leave and not look back. And if your DS was in this situation acting like your ex you would tell him to grow a pair and man up.

This man does not and probably will not love you. His mum has done some work on him, not you or any other woman can undo 42years worth of psychological warfare - so his mental health issues stem from her not you. He will be fine, he has the woman he loves most to look after him. When she dies, which she will and he's about 65, he may then be ready for a relationship. If you find yourself single in 23years time, then it might work and only then.

You're young with a child, he knows you aren't gallivanting about town (esp with this Lockdown) he knows he is able to keep you at arms length because:

• you don't have much self esteem
• you have a child, job, home to keep then whatever energy you have goes on him (he knows you won't be cheating etc)
• you are young and he is emotionally manipulating you with the help of his weirdo brother

He has ALWAYS had mental health problems, no man in a 7 and a year relationship can say they never loved that person. No man at 42 treats his mum like a wife (Bates Motel anyone?) and finally he shows no love or respect for anyone except mummy dearest, he is a sociopath.

Put all that energy and love for him in to YOU. You need it more than he does x

The texts and letters were a HUGE mistake.

It is not your responsibility to 'fix' him
If he's low, tough shit.

Except he won't be.

He'll be sulking. And punishing you. Not replying is your punishment. It is designed to make you feel guilty.

And you fell for it. He sent his brother as a flying monkey and you wrote basically pleading with him and telling him it's all your fault and you promise to be a good girl from now on.

Please lose his number. There is no way there's a happy ending for you and your child with this pathetic, manipulativeummy's boy.

And Google Jocasta and Oedipus complexes!

do understand what you’re saying to be honest, however I struggle to realise why his brother is saying they’re worried about his mental health, isn’t talking to anyone, isn’t himself, and my ex is not reading or replying to any of my messages. It just seems to me he isn’t okay? I know men do struggle with mental health too so I don’t wanna rule it out?

But to be blunt his mental health is not your problem, why are you trying to take responsibility for it? Everyone gets upset when a relationship ends, his reaction speaks volumes about his maturity level and from the outside he seems to be playing it for all that it's worth to get everyone's sympathy and attention.

It is making me cringe reading your updates. You are falling hook line and sinker for his crap and you know it but you are still doing it, why? What exactly do you hope to achieve, do you want to get wrapped up again in his mind games and complete disregard for you?

He an arsehole, it was barely even a relationship, stop pandering to him (and his brother!), block them all and move on.

I agree with other posters. He and his brother are playing with you.
His mental health is not your concern. You need to take care of yourself and your child.
Ignore him and move on. You deserve so much more.

So are you going to live a life unhappy because he gets depressed? This is not your problem, but you obviously want it to be as you keep going back to him.

Dear brother,

I'm sorry hear exP is having a hard time. I have tried to contact him at your request but have had no response.
We all have mental health and my own us important too. So, I am stepping completely away from this situation now and neither of you will be able to contact me again. Please also tell exP to ignore/bin the letter I sent, it's contents are no longer relevant. BLOCK.

Yeah I understand what everyone is saying - it just makes me really sad that he’s being like this towards me by ghosting me when all I wanted to do is check he’s ok - and when he gets the letter I know deep down he won’t respond by contacting me either. Cruel way to act x

It is, and it shows you what he is like.

Take some control back, send one last text saying that you wrote him a letter in a moment of concern but on reflection the contents are irrelevant so no need for him to respond. Wish him well, say goodbye and then block them all from every platform.

You need to be the one to close down communication otherwise you will be sitting tying yourself in knots over a response that is never likely to come by letter, or by text. You'll have that awful feeling in the pit of your stomach every time the postman comes or you look at your phone

As to the 'why' he is behaving as he is, you will never know. Just remember that if this isn't his attempt at manipulating you into getting back with him (and behaving as he wants) then the most likely alternative is that it's a 'fuck you' and he is playing a game and actually enjoying seeing you squirm. Neither of which is exactly palatable

Don't give him anymore headspace

Is it that you actually want him to contact you? That you think if you tell him you're done he'll fall to his knees, declare his love and cast off his mother? I'm not saying that to have a pop at you, i just think you need to be really honest with yourself here for your own sake and your child's.

No it is not cruel. Stopping contact with someone after a break up is normal.

You sent a massively inappropriate letter and set of messages after he had broken contact with you.

If roles were reversed we'd be telling him to send you one last message saying you are not to contact him any more. We'd also tell him to give his brother hell for interfering and trying to engineer you both back together again.

Your relationship is over. He has blocked you. Stuff you make up in your head, egged on by his brother, about how he needs you desperately, does not require a response from him at all. It is best that he ghosts and grey rocks this drama.

Yes, he is cruel.

He relies on you clinging to the hope he will see he is being cruel. That's what makes you fun!

The more you think about it, angst over it, text him etc, the more delicious your very evident pain is.

Don't be sad, be angry, be fucking furious that this man, who isn't even a self supporting adult, feeds of you this way.

He doesn't deserve your empathy or sympathy.

Stop offering yourself up as a willing victim.

Block him. Then get yourself some help to rebuild your self esteem. You really are worth the effort!

@VettiyaIruken I want him to contact me just to let me know he’s okay after his brother said he was concerned about his mental health - I’m worried about him that’s all. I’m just a caring person 😔 just because we broke up doesn’t mean I stopped caring about him

@TorkTorkBam A massively inappropriate letter? Yes I regret sending it now because I know he won’t respond but I just wanted to let him know I was sorry for hurting his feelings and explained myself, I don’t think you could call that inappropriate I was just being thoughtful. I think so anyway x

sorry MamaOl that isnt correct. Your previous post said that you wrote in the letter 'I’ve basically sent him a letter apologising for everything I said to him, promising things would be better out of lockdown and that I was just stressed because of lockdown and the implant giving me mood swings etc so I promised to change things'

You effectively told him that your the problem and that you can pick off where you left off after lockdown lifts

If your ex has gone no contact with you and is not even acknowledging your texts, sending a letter is inappropriate. You are trying to force yourself onto him. Stop doing it. Stop justifying it. Back off.

You're making excuses now - you want him to contact you to reassure you his MH is ok? His brother also told you he wasn't talking or messaging anyone and that wasn't true was it?

They are not worried about his MH. If he had an issue his brother is clearly in close contact and He LIVES with his mum!

😫

All of this drama for a 5 month relationship!