Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His mum is an issue?

348 replies

MamaOl · 14/05/2020 09:19

I’m 27 and my boyfriend is 42. We’ve been together officially for 5 months, been in each other’s lives for 7 months. We don’t live together, he lives with his mum and I live with my son in my own place.

I’m really conflicted, his Mum has never met me and she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to however I know no reasons as to why, as she doesn’t know me. My boyfriend can’t FaceTime me in the house, he has to go out to his car to FaceTime me, he doesn’t speak about me to her, he doesn’t love me even though I’ve told him I love him.
I’ve told him how much his actions about “hiding me away” about going out the house etc to call me but he doesn’t care.

Can I just get people's advice on what they think about this? I have my own opinion however I need outside perspective. Thanks x

OP posts:
Whatisthisfuckery · 18/05/2020 11:06

I’d say it’s very fair, and true. If a mother is worrying and hurting and anxious it will affect her DC, and it’s naive to suggest otherwise.

Whatisthisfuckery · 18/05/2020 11:16

I didn’t say single parents shouldn’t date. I’m a single parent ffs. I said stop creating a knight in shining armour of this loser, and stop chasing fantasy relationships with him.

Anyway I’m glad you’ve finally resolved to let this loser go. You deserve much better than being hurt and disrespected. Save your love for someone who is deserving of it.

baileys6904 · 18/05/2020 11:31

Can I ask, is this your first relationship? Or if not, what we're your previous ones like? It's easy to put up with this kind of behaviour when you have nothing good to compare it to. You deserve someone who makes you feel good, all the time, not just on their terms

0DETTE · 18/05/2020 11:55

Can I ask, is this your first relationship?

The Op has a child and I’m guessing she’s not the Virgin Mary.

baileys6904 · 18/05/2020 14:58

@0dette One night stand? IVF? Assault? Casual sex? Are we pretending those don't exist or are you just too busy trying to look superior to consider those options?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 18/05/2020 15:53

There is nothing for me to say to him anymore and I have accepted it, I actually feel okay!

That is brilliant. If, in the end, you're not that upset about it (it will ebb and flow, but it gets a lot easier and the first days are usually the worst), that tells you everything you need to know about how right you were to make the decision you've made.

You've given yourself permission to be happy and have taken the reins, made your own choices, and decided to hold out for what you really want from your life and relationships. That must feel good. You'll have given your self esteem a boost and it's no less than you deserve.

Kudos to you. Keep going! Flowers

Original poster
MamaOl · 24/05/2020 15:36

Hi all. Really sorry to open this thread back up but I desperately need advice 😔

His brother has messaged me a couple times this week saying that he’s not talking to anyone, not even him who he is closest to. He’s not talking to close friends either and isn’t himself.

I made the decision to message him myself and I haven’t heard a word from him, none of the messages are being read or replied to even though they’re delivered.

This is all my fault I feel 😭 what do I do?? I’ve sent him a letter but if he doesnt respond what do I do? I am beyond worried 💔😭

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 24/05/2020 15:49

He is an adult. And an ex.
Tell his db to sort him himself and block him also.

Dontbeme · 24/05/2020 15:50

Don't do anything. This is not your problem to fix, this guy has told you he doesn't love you, hides you from his mum and now has enlisted his brother to drag you back in to his nonsense. He is a game player OP, and now that you no longer play by his rules he doesn't like it. This is just control for him, getting you to run back. If you feel you must do something message his brother back that you reached out, he hasn't replied and if family are worried for his mental health to contact a medical professional.

It is not right to expect you to sacrifice your happiness to play silly beggars with this guy. Block him, his mum, his brother,his cat,his candle stick maker, block them all and move on.

ElectricTonight · 24/05/2020 15:51

He has a wife and kids.

Zaphodsotherhead · 24/05/2020 15:53

Just message the DB back saying 'and this is my problem, why?' and then block him too.

He's a flying monkey. Your ex and an ex and nothing to do with you any more. If he's having a MH crisis, then I am sure his mother will be in there in no time to sort him out.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/05/2020 15:58

His brother acted here as a flying monkey; he has his own agenda here and certainly did not act in your own best interests here. Your naiveity and kind nature has again been played on here. This is not your circus, not your monkeys.

You were never responsible for this mummys boy and you still are not either. You are going to have to ask yourself some harsh questions here namely why you at all responded?. Responding at all put you back to square one again, there will never be any sort of happy ending with this man. At the very least talk to your sister again here.

Are you really this desperate for male company that you will continue to put up with such manipulative and otherwise poor treatment?. What example are you showing your child here?

Your only mistake was to at all respond, that to such disordered people is the reward. As you yourself wrote only a week ago this mummys boy, "clearly doesn’t care, he’s immature, he didn’t follow up the message, - he’s in denial about his age and thinks he’s got loads of time for things, - he’s wrapped up in his mum too much,
I’m better off out of it". It only took a week for you to forget all that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/05/2020 15:59

And please for the love of all that is good, block his brother now too. They all need to be barred from being able to contact you via any means.

CuppaZa · 24/05/2020 16:01

Time you raise your bar OP

TheGoddessFrigg · 24/05/2020 16:04

His family are probably desperate to find someone they can dump him on. My friends brother is 72, and still lives with his mum who is 95. She is now trying to guilt the other siblings into ' looking after him' as he can't cope on his own! Perhaps the brother sees things going the same way 🙃

Honeyroar · 24/05/2020 16:08

This is not your fault. It’s quite normal that someone is a bit down after a breakdown and doesn’t want to speak about it. It’s not your problem- he’s got plenty of family clearly looking out for him, you don’t need to feel responsible, because you’re not. You’ve sent a nice message, leave it at that. Tell his brother you’ve sent a message, you wish him well, but it’s over and you need to step away from it and leave his family to it. Then look after yourself.

Coffeecak3 · 24/05/2020 16:10

The brother should not have messaged you. It’s over. The ex is messing with your head and needs to grow up.
He sounds like a stroppy child.

Fedhimtotigers · 24/05/2020 16:11

He is not your problem! Reply back to the brother that you've ended the relationship and wish everyone well but he is not your problem.
You need to stop! You're coming across so desperate. You deserve better but you need to seriously change.

Queenoftheashes · 24/05/2020 16:24

Don’t fall for this OP. He is not your problem. He can sort himself out.
And it’s not like he’s in a pit of despair. It was his own choices that led to the break up.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/05/2020 16:26

So, what does his brother think you have to do?

Start dating, shagging a man who has told you he doesn't love you and has dismissed your feelings so casually?

Mm! What has changed for you? Apart from you now have another of his mummy's boys wanting you to do as you are told?

Block them all. He is a sodding adult, not a love lorn teen losing his first love. Remember he doesn't love you... You know that! His current radio silence is just another shitty tactic, playing on your being a nice person.

You owe him nothing and his brother even less!

Shut the door very firmly.

Hoppinggreen · 24/05/2020 16:28

Well you’ve been dragged back in havent you OP?
Ignore the whole lot of them, ‘this man is your ex and not your responsibility. He has a mum and brother to care about him, you don’t need to. Presumably he actually DOES love them whereas he doesn’t love you and doesn’t think you are important- until you take back control, at which point he’s doesn’t like it.
Stay firm, nothing has changed

Zaphodsotherhead · 24/05/2020 16:30

I agree with a PP who said that DB probably breathed a huge sigh of relief when he heard his brother was dating you - now he had mother off his back asking what he was doing to do when she 'went' with his unpleasant, unmarried, unsociable, rude, awkward and inept brother.

They tried to make him your problem all round. But he's not. He's just another unpleasant man who will be perfectly all right once he gets himself up on Tinder again...

Homebaby · 24/05/2020 16:34

I have posted for the first time today and your story could be mine. The only difference is I am 4 years down the line, please don't make the same mistake as I have and stick around. It will never get any better

GertrudeCB · 24/05/2020 16:40

He is not your problem.

TorkTorkBam · 24/05/2020 17:14

You must have an ego the size of Alaska. You think you are so special only you can save him from this latest episode? Catch yourself on. Back right off. Get your nose out of his business.