Dating Thread 189 - The One Where We Date Without Meeting or Leaving Home

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@NetDesMamans1 I was about to say

‘I’m in a similar position. I have been with Mr R for a year and had only just come out of a 20 year relationship. There have been ups and downs largely caused by my own insecurities but as I have dc I took the view it would take a lot longer to get to know him than if I were in my 20s so to see how it goes. Things are still good although we rarely see each other because of coronavirus. They’re still quite light although conversations were getting deeper but aren’t as intimate on FaceTime. Recently I am starting to wonder if we’re both slightly emotionally unavailable as the love doesn’t seem as intense as when I was younger.

Then I saw your update!

His father was abused his sister and he tried to keep the family together? That’s a massive deal and I’m not sure I could get past it. I would need to know that he had now disowned his dad and apologised to his sister. If you got to the stage of moving in would you be happy meeting that man or having him in your house? I wouldn’t.

I'm off out on a date for the first time in months! 😬

When I am with him I feel wanted. He is quite shy and reserved.

When I am not with him (most of the time at present) I feel no connection and not wanted. He replies to all of my messages. He instigates messages sometimes but I feel like I always make the first move whether messages/when we first kissed/sex etc...

I think it might be a personality thing him being reserved and me normally being quite outgoing..

Oh that was in reply to a message further up

Good luck @bangheadhere40. Hope you have a great time and you enjoy yourself.

@bangheadhere40 good luck!! Who is it with?

@typohere Perhaps i’m too romantic, perhaps it’s because i’ve seen too many awful men described on here that my view is if you meet someone and have a connection in person it’s a rare thing so i would keep at it. If you feel you initiate communications and it upsets you then tell him how you feel. If he doesn’t change then it tells you he doesn’t respect your feelings enough. FWIW in a very insecure period I told Mr R I needed more and we then discussed that something had happened in his life that he stopped him. Anyway things improved, he messages more, but also I understand a bit more about his life and I also have lower expectations so it’s more of a compromise.

As I mentioned above I am finding communications harder in lockdown although we do FaceTime every day - which we didn’t before lockdown . I think there’s just less to say and it’s often what we’re cooking for dinner / watching on Tv.

I have a date tomorrow. Emergency diet time!!!

dancer that’s a good idea with the name of the village.

Actually a good reminder to me - when I’m back on tinder to use a generic nickname for security not my actual name.

Good luck everyone with dates

Thanks StealthNijaMom

I appreciate your comments. I think he struggles to open up with feelings. His mother left his father after an affair and he grew up living with his father. His ex wife was unfaithful. He really doesn't show his feelings at all.

I should also add that although his ex wife had an affair they have both moved on (years ago) and get on well and he has a good relationship with his children whom he has always supported.

Perhaps I expect too much and should understand it takes time to express feelings.

@typohere Mr R is closed and knows it. Before lockdown he was opening up but obviously now we’re only seeing each other Infrequently at a distance some of that intimacy has gone. I’m fairly relaxed thinking that things will get back to normal in a few months but if he never opens up then I might not hang around. I have spoken to a couple of friends who are on second relationships and they weren’t as ‘free’ or open as their first but there are other benefits. Plus our values and what we want from life are more similar than with my ex. Looking back I can see that me and my ex wanted different things from life so even though I thought there was a deep connection for most of our relationship I was wrong.

Thanks all, unfortunately he wasn't for me 😬 He made no eye contact, didn't really ask anything, and looked nothing like his pics!

And we got some chips they were £1 each, he asked for my £1 🙄

Hello, can I tentatively dip my toe into this thread even though I’m not quite ready to start OLD yet? It feels like I might have the expert advice and ‘no shit’ filter I’m going to need after splitting from STBXH in January (should have done it years ago)...

@bangheadhere40 - that sounds like hard work! How long were you with him for if you were having to do all the questioning?

And we got some chips they were £1 each, he asked for my £1 🙄

I’m sorry. I laughed out loud. Even with my absolute out-of-date dating experience, I know that’s no good!

@MsJaneAusten just over an hour...the longest hour of my life.

Welcome Jane....where are you going to start? Any sites in mind?

Hi @bangheadhere40 that's funny! But yes dust off move on.

@MsJaneAusten hello

Mr Music just sent me a message saying I should introduce you to the other woman in my life... and sent me a picture of his wee dog.

So I'm a woman in his life 😁

Well I knew that but it just felt really sweet iyswim

banghead that £1 chips anecdote definitely made me laugh a bit.

I’m looking forward to being back on tinder next week but I expect I’ll get stung by the “one in three are a little bit lacking in social graces” thing.

@bangheadhere40 uh-oh sorry it was such a naff date (I did laugh at the chips bit though!) anyone on the back burner that you can maybe look forward to?

@cravingthelook damn I'm feeling jealous of your gushiness right now :D

Welcome @MsJaneAusten!

I’m not sure where to start @bangheadhere40. I know STBXH is on bumble, so not there. I met him on match (years ago) so I’m slightly anti that too! Where is good? I read higher up that you can hide your profile on some sites so that might be a way to edge my way in slowly.

@CheesecakeAddict

I literally can't stop smiling. I'm such a sop. #tryingtokeepchill

He's got his kids today, so he's busy, so I'm just light messaging.

@stealth Yes, I know. It is a huge huge huge deal.

The contact with his dad is pretty much inactive, he hates him, his dad is a total shit to him. I really don't know why they bother. And yes, if I heard my dad had done that then I would disown him. There seems to be loyalty there that I'm at a loss about. Mr A made that decision about what his sister revealed, and then it all went to shit and he has regretted it ever since I think. (I'm not defending, just saying how it played out.)

His sister got in touch with him a couple of months ago, so added into the mix is the thought that I could follow her lead - if she feels ok about being in contact again.

I will NEVER meet that man or go to his house.