Dating Thread 189 - The One Where We Date Without Meeting or Leaving Home

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Really cheesecake and dancer ?

Sorry hit send by accident.

My age bracket is 44-50 (I’m 46). Maybe should go back to real life dating!?

I think I had a lucky escape with Mr Needy. Messages him that I didn't think it was going to work out and blocked him. Just had 2 random foreign business number start messaging me. Saying he doesn't know what he did wrong. Threatening me that I'm racist and he will post it, that I'm ugly etc

@ihavenicelegs I have had men 40s to mid 50s messaging me. Not sure if they would actually meet if I said yes or if it's more of a fantasy thing.

@dancerinthemoonlight. What a pscyopath

Take a note of the messages and then block.

This is exactly why I never use my first name and give out only the barest information. Too many weirdos out there.

Honestly sometimes it would be easier to be single

It looks as if I'm for a long night of it. He is now.messagkng on the third number as I have blocked the others.

dancer are you ok? That’s awful. Agree to screenshot. Report to the app you matched on.

So glad you went with your gut. Must be so many chancers out there. You’re not racist, you’re not ugly, you just didn’t fall for it.

Well done 👍

I unmatched him because I didn't want to get a load of messages on there. He is still going. Wonder how many numbers he has to get though.

A lovely man I met on tinder that I will never get to see because he lives in France is keeping me company and cheering me up. Damn why do I like the Caribbean and French accents so much.

dancer I’m mixed race BME that guy is a prick to any woman

Stay safe, block his number and be on guard as it sounds like he may play games later down the line.

The funny this is that I'm probably one of the least racist person out there. I have an adopted brother and sister who are black and 3 ex's who are black.

I'm so glad I went with my gut on this and also listened to @CheesecakeAddict he is just crazy

Dancer have you thought of taking a wee break. It comes across to me you aren’t ready / thick skinned enough for OLdating.

Explaining I’m not racist after he’s hurled all that abuse ? He doesn’t deserve anything but a big bowl of silence

Can I join, please?

I split from my exh last November but the marriage had been over for a long time. He took the DCs to his parents for a week, I decided to have a dabble on Tinder and ended up meeting a sexy man. He can be Mr Aero as works in aerospace industry.

Met up with him for a date and potentially a ONS. It did turn into an overnight, we had a lovely evening and clicked straight away, and he told me he doesn't do ONS and wanted to see me again. Nine months later we are still 'together'. He's got no kids, I've got 2, I haven't told them (5 & 11) about him so he's only been able to come over when they're with their dad.
He lives 80 mins drive away and I don't drive - have been to his by train a few times. He's been to mine a few times too.

He wants to come and see me soon, it's very sensual and tactile between us and we couldn't be, could we? I've told him I'm not sure about meeting up because not being able to get close would be quite upsetting.

He is very ardent and flirts quite a lot, I've tailed off recently as I've found lockdown to be extremely stressful and anxiety-provoking. He has been worried about me, asking how I am, making an effort to make me smile. He is a kind man.

I have only been out of the marital home for 6 months and it's been very 'hit the ground running'. Highs and lows, ex still being controlling. I keep wondering whether I want to be involved with anyone, then I think how lovely Mr Aero makes me feel, how warm and sweet he is, how well he listens, how he's sensitive. For some reason I sometimes have the thought that we haven't argued yet, I haven't seen that side of him - it seems to trouble me on some level. Ex was one to brood and fester and then explode, definitely has Little Man Syndrome, 'recovering' alcoholic, was mean and nasty to/about my family and friends. Could well be that I'm hung up on seeing what Mr Aero is like when arguing because of exh.

I could go on, but I'm trying to decide whether to break it off, or whether I'm self-sabotaging. Mr Aero is lovely and a great lover, he has so many positive traits.

Hi mamans
Welcome!!
I’m reading your post and.. sounds like new man is really nice?

No drama, no fall-outs? You get in, there’s chemistry...

It looks good from the outside but what’s making you post? What’s your gut saying?

Hi mamans!

MrAero sounds good - I have a soft spot for smart guys in techie industries.

It seems like it’s quite close to the end of your previous relationship - could it be that you need more time to just be single, date a bit, find yourself and all that stuff?

It’s nice that MrAero is up for a serious monogamous relationship and it’s a compliment to you, but you don’t have to agree to jump into another full-on relationship just as he’s interested?

It’s not like either you’re in a relationship or you’re Bridget Jones crying into your ice cream alone, there’s a middle way. Take your time if you need it.

Hi!

I think partly I'm thinking he won't be moving from where he lives, I've got kids in school and got a Housing Assoc place here in November, and so I don't know what future there is ultimately. Also I am aware that this doesn't have to be 'The Relationship'. And I'm also aware that there's a really good connection, sex is hot, we make each other laugh, he texts me "Good morning, sexy lady", he is open to listen to anything I want to tell him, he sees friendship as vital in a relationship...

He's attractive, I'm finding him a bit less attractive on a screen but the physical attraction when we're together is strong. He talks in a bit of a strange way but then I probably do too.

He has a family secret and has told me about it. After his mum died, his sister revealed that their dad had sexually abused her - went to prison for 9 months. Aero stayed in touch with his dad as at the time he thought it probably wasn't as bad as she had said. Sister cut contact with Aero bc he'd stayed in touch with him. She did contact Aero a couple of months ago after 5 years. I've had different thoughts about this, including being v upset that he would doubt his sister and whether that meant he had a thing about denying women's truth. A while back, my exh sent a shitty letter to my parents, it shook me up, Aero said 'we all do silly things' and I had a word with him to say that the letter hadn't just been a silly thing, it was spiteful and abusive. Aero was v apologetic and said he hadn't meant to minimise the seriousness. I think to me, it tied in with him minimising what his sister had revealed - suggesting the letter was just a silly oversight corresponded somehow with his assumption that his sister had overstated what her father had done. He explained (when he told me about his sister) that he had been trying to keep the family together after their mum had died - like, he'd already lost one parent and couldn't the other.....and consequently had lost his sister and hadn't kept it together at all.

A really bad family situation and a really bad decision which he had tried to mend but couldn't.

And I am really traumatised from 17 years with exh, and I've not had time or space to heal since moving out.

@Myfabby I'm afraid I'm the kind of person who likes to defend myself when getting a lot of abuse chucked at me. I also like getting the last word in. Personally I don't see anything wrong with being like that.

I don't post about all the things that get said to me. If I didn't have thick skin by now then I wouldn't still be on dating sites or apps. If it makes anyone uncomfortable that I post about things that happen/any irons I may have then I will not post about them anymore and just offer advice when I can.

@Dancerinthemoonlight I agree, I don't think that sending 2 messages shows that you don't have thick skin. Keep screenshotting, blocking and deleting. I would say don't rise to him though as that's what he is after: like a toddler on an attention seeking mission, he wants some kind of communication with, even if that is negative attention. I would say, if it gets to threatening you, get the police involved. Does he know any details such as where you live, your place of work, anywhere you like to frequent?

Mr Aero does sound nice @NetDesMamans1 but I'd be wary of the minimising too.

Mr Swan once minimised a situation where a guy sent abusive messages to me and my best friend after she ended things with him as an iron. He brushed it off saying she should be more careful, I very firmly and respectfully told him never to do that, abuse in whatever form is always the fault of the abuser and telling the victim they should have not do x or done y is just adding to victim blaming. He quickly learnt that shit like that was never going to fly with me. It's one of the things that pissed me off in the last months of our friendship.

I am after some opinions since I really don't know what I want.

Before the virus I met a man on POF, chatting and met up. Nice personality, honest, respectful. We started dating monthly since I have work, children and we live about an hour or so away from each other.
Dates were fun, sex was fun after not having a sexual relationship for many years in a loveless marriage. We messaged most days.

The virus arrived and naturally couldn't meet up. Messages on and off and getting stale, same with chatting on the phone. We don't have a long history and only some dates so hard to keep it going.

Met up recently when allowed for a socially distanced walk, felt different. Without the touch and closeness it feels like a friend.

I don't know if this is worth pursuing or not. He said he can see a long term relationship with me and would love to get back on track when we can meet and go out more often.

I didn't realise it before but since I have had a loveless marriage for many years and ended over a year ago that I really need love/touch/ connection. I need reassurance and lots of it. I feel so silly, never needed it before or pushed to one side. He seems happy to carry on, hasn't lived with a partner for years but did have a long term partner and they lived apart so to him it's normal to not live together etc.

Suggestions - no idea what I am asking.

@CheesecakeAddict I didn't send him any more messages because it just wasn't worth it. I think he ran out of numbers after I blocked the 4th one. I'm very careful about the information I give out incase of people like this. I will say I live in a village between x and y but not the village name. There are tonnes of villages between the 2 places so it would be hard to figure out the one I live in.

@Dancerinthemoonlight OK that's reassuring. You really dodged a bullet there!!

I think I could be rushing in, like the poster above I was married until 6 months ago and then was seeing someone but that was complicated and he admitted on Monday that he didn't see a long term future for us but hadn't told me straight because he didn't want to lose what we had.

I'm still in love with him, but have jumped on POF and Match as a distraction. I'm not looking for anything serious, but I would like someone to have some fun with and spent time with.

While still being friends with my ex...

@Typohere I had a similar marriage and then this relationship where I felt wanted and desired.

The key thing is, how does he make you feel?

@Dancerinthemoonlight- my advice was not because of that one post but I see it was not welcome anyways so ..

A bit extra to say if your posts make anyone uncomfortable - instead of just directing the comment to me. I’m a complete stranger off the internet looking in and giving what I thought was well meaning advice. Of course you don’t have to take it, but writing that snide post was just so unnecessary.
I’ll skip all your posts in future then. Wish you lots of luck with dating regardless.

@myfabby that part of the post wasn't directed at you, it was meant in general. The reason I tagged you was to say why I had responded to him twice. I don't see it as being snide in any way.
It is your opinion that I don't have thick skin and you are intitled to the opinion. I just don't personally agree with it. I have come a long way in liking myself for who I am and developing thicker skin during old. If an iron/potential iron doesn't like me for who I am, what my values are or what I look like then that is their choice and I would sooner not know them.

I wish you all the best in dating and won't comment on your posts either