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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hes cheated on me

346 replies

Shelleygi · 10/05/2020 15:43

Just been discharged from hospital 3 days ago and husband has come home last night and said hes cheated on me with a very young girl from work. She is accusing him of taking advantage of her sad he got her drunk etc.. this Happened the day I came out of hospital. I'm heartbroken dont know what to do

OP posts:
Wanderlust21 · 14/05/2020 12:26

Is be still in your home op?
If do he needs to leave. I'd actually call the police. What he is doing is emotional abuse. Please report him. You need to get away from him asap.

LouHotel · 14/05/2020 12:26

Is he in the house OP? If hes shouting and screaming you call the police and get him removed.

LouHotel · 14/05/2020 12:28

You need time to breath he's trying to grind you down with constant information to get you into this confused state.

Explain everything to the GP as well.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/05/2020 12:43

I’m so sorry OP- for your own mental health disengage from these stories he’s telling you. The man is clearly a psycho and you need him out of your life!

LIZS · 14/05/2020 12:53

So he's now emotionally abusing you, knowing you are vulnerable . AngryTbh it is over however he tries to spin it out. Forget the ow, you need to find a pathway out, or ideally throw him out. Can you call Womens Aid? Do you own the shop or is he just managing it?

SunshineCake · 14/05/2020 13:09

I'm not falling for anything *@Graphista** and I am NOT a race apologist at all. I said generally and I think you are way out of order for what you have said. I said generally as obviously no one can say 100% that 100% of people react the way you think they will.

I'm not sure if I feel angry, sad or pissed off at you but you are out of order.

To everyone else, I'm not who *@Graphista** said I am and I am most fucked of with them.

SunshineCake · 14/05/2020 13:10

*@Shelleygi I am so sorry your husband is a prick of the highest order.

What do you want to do now regarding your marriage? Plenty will say you have to leave but it is your life not theirs. Tell the doctor the truth about what your husband has said and done.

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/05/2020 13:32

What a bastard, he’s totally ruthless in getting what he wants isn’t he?.

“Stand by him” 🙄 if your fridge breaks down you buy another one, you don’t keep it for old times sake.

DBML · 14/05/2020 14:00

Op. This is abusive behaviour.
Look what he is doing to you.

It’s bad enough that he caused this pain...and now he’s claiming to have purposely created it as some type of test?

He is trying to shout you into submission.

Recognise this. Find your strength. I know hurting yourself momentarily takes away the emotional pain, but it’s not going to help I promise you. Grab a pen and use it to create marks instead of you have to. But please don’t hurt yourself. You don’t deserve to have even more pain in your life.

This is all temporary. The pain you feel is not forever. It will pass. I’m so glad you’ve phoned the GP. You need urgent care though, so please don’t wait for days for a response. Ring back if you have to.

If your partner starts becoming abusive again, call the police. You don’t have to tolerate that.

Op, know that you’ll be Ok. Even better once you’ve gotten rid of the loser.

Sending lots and lots of hugs and 💐

DrDavidBanner · 14/05/2020 14:11

My God Shelley your husband is unhinged. Speak to your GP and see about how you can remove yourself or him from the home. You are not weak or crazy, you are being mentally abused by a sick evil fucker.

The sooner you get rid of him the better your mental health will be.

BackseatCookers · 14/05/2020 15:07

Fuck, he's an absolute psychopath. OP I've said some harsh words on this thread but nobody, nobody, nobody deserves to be made to feel the way you are right now. He is manipulating you to a dangerous level and you need to disengage with him completely. And because that probably feels impossible you are spiralling. You need to call your GP and if you can't get through and you are going to hurt yourself then you need to call 999 and tell them honestly what you're thinking of doing. 999 is for people in immediate danger so if you feel you may harm yourself than includes you. Is there anyone you can call and be really honest with, say whats happened and that you can't cope and that you need them to get some help to you? Do you have the kids with you or are they somewhere else safe?x

hellsbellsmelons · 14/05/2020 15:21

he told me it was all a plan to see how I would react... if I'd stand by him and hes planned it all with this girl
So this is the pure SHITE he is spouting now!
WOW - he is vile OP.
He's cheated on you - with an 18 YO employee - in his friends house and now he is saying this to you.
No, you bloody haven't stood by him.
WTF would you?
You are not just some dumb wife sat at home willing to let him cheat and lie and you just take it!
You did well OP!
Be proud of yourself.
He is now showing you who he really is.
A lying piece of scum, prepared to stoop to new lows to make YOU feel like crap when you have done absolutely nothing wrong!

Now.... It will be very hard, but..... You have to now block, ignore and delete him for a while.
He is fucking with your head and bringing you down further.
Do NOT allow a pathetic, shallow, lying, cheating, scumbag to have this kind of power.

You need some head space away from him and the only way to do that is to ensure he cannot contact you.
Block him on everything, text, messenger, whatsapp, facebook, IG, even LinkdIn if you have it!
Please reach out to someone in real life if you can.
A non-judgey friend who can just listen to you and your frustrations.

You are right - SHE is not innocent! And this is all now coming back to bite him on his lying arse!!!
Good - protect yourself - protect your DC.

Keep going OP!!!

Shelleygi · 14/05/2020 15:22

@BackseatCookers no theres nobody I can talk to about this unfortunately. I have spoke to the doctor though hes given me a prescription to collect. Kids are with mum right now.

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 14/05/2020 15:27

He sounds like a complete psychopath OP - so much so it's hard to tell what he has / hasn't done or what bits have been solely to hurt you omg he is a nutcase. I'm sorry you don't have anyone around, can you speak to your mum about this? I'm sure she will want to support you especially to make sure you don't have to worry about the kids as they are with her. I'm assuming he won't want to come and take them as he's a lazy arsehole anyway? Just conscious he's obviously not been practicing social distancing so that's a good reason for them to stay between your mums and yours for a while x

BackseatCookers · 14/05/2020 15:28

This is such an acute shock that I wonder what the doctor will have given you as most things take a while to kick in (antidepressants I mean) it would be good if he could maybe help you with some beta blockers for anxiety and a short course of sleeping tablets to get you through the next few days.

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/05/2020 15:33

Diazepam.

SunshineCake · 14/05/2020 15:35

Fluffy?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 14/05/2020 15:42

He is severely screwing with your head OP, as I said a couple of pages back. He's done an absolute number on you. I'm in no doubt that he's also done it to other women he's come into contact with. It is NOT your fault. It's his. He's a manipulative, emotionally-abusive psychopath who is gaslighting you, messing with your sense of reality and destroying your self-esteem. How on earth are you supposed to understand the truth with him spinning yarns with all the speed and skill of Aracne, sending you chasing your tail in numerous different directions and ensuring you will never be able to see a clear picture? That's deliberate, OP. Understand that it's deliberate. It's mental torture. That is the action of a fucking sadist.

You absolutely NEED to see this for your own peace of mind, painful though it is to look it in the face and recognise yourself as a victim. Repeat this on rewind to yourself every time you start having thoughts like this: this is about him. They are his issues. They are not my fault. And please understand that having a psychological injury inflicted on you is not the same as having a mental illness. I truly hope you get the support and help you so badly need. I'm glad you've called the doctor, and I'd seriously suggest you ask your GP to put you in contact with a trained trauma therapist. Urgently. Counselling isn't going to be enough.

I'm sorry to read what a desperate condition you are now in. He's injurious to your health and extremely damaging to your self-esteem and you'll be unable to see anything clearly if he's around. Please - for your own sake and that of your DC - don't let this monster near you: block every avenue of contact, don't let him phone you - don't let him do anything that would enable him to get further into your head.

I don't ever use this word lightly. But the actions of the man I've just read about on this thread are nothing short of unmitigated evil.

Wishing you well.

Graphista · 14/05/2020 15:53

Why can't you talk to your mum? I don't have the greatest relationship with mine but when I was in same position she listened and supported

I completely agree with the others, contact police and dr and tell them the truth of what he's doing and how it's making you feel and get him removed from your home.

It is not safe for him to be there.

And as pp said intent to harm yourself IS an emergency so contact via 999 if that's the case.

DO NOT give him what he clearly wants.

This is the worst you will ever feel - that means in the future you WILL feel better than you do now. This IS a temporary situation and feeling don't apply a permanent act to it.

PicsInRed · 14/05/2020 16:04

Given the way he's acting now, he either has raped this girl, or he's a total psychopath trying to drive you to suicide. In which case, I'd be very surprised if he hasn't raped someone at some time.

He's the monster, he's crazy, not you. You've been driven to unwellness by a dementor.

DrDavidBanner · 14/05/2020 16:22

What is your relationship with your mum like, can you move in with her too?

I am so sorry you are going through this and I am genuinely scared for your wellbeing while you are with this man. As PP have said, tell your GP about your self harming fears and even the police.

The sooner you are away from this man's influence the better you will start feeling.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 14/05/2020 16:42

I am so sorry you are going through this and I am genuinely scared for your wellbeing while you are with this man. As PP have said, tell your GP about your self harming fears and even the police.

I second this. I also know how hard it is to look clearly at your circumstances, to stop believing the lies abusers feed them, and to recognise ourselves as victims and them as our abusers. It's the most painful epiphany imaginable. It's also urgently necessary if we're to stand any chance of healing.

I struggled hard with this as my abuser was my own father. (He, BTW, wasn't my rapist). He fucked up my head, the way your DH has done to you. So I understand the difficulties you'll face with this. At the moment - and for reasons I now understand although I didn't earlier in the thread - it's too painful to face. But it's an essential step in the healing and recovery process.

If your inclination is still to believe your husband, to agree when he deflects all blame back on you or other women, consider two of the classic tactics of a seasoned abuser. 1. they choose partners who are already in some way vulnerable. Your earlier post stated he's doing this to you because he knows you're vulnerable. Do you think this is the case with him?

  1. they isolate their victims from their friends and family. You've come here, posting in desperation because you say there is no one in your offline life you can talk to. Is the reason you are now so isolated because he's done this to you?

I'm sure that if your own friends and relatives could know what you were going through they'd gladly help. If you can do so safely, try to look up the Women's Aid Programme online. But look to your immediate safety and mental wellbeing first and foremost.

Shelleygi · 14/05/2020 16:44

Doctor gave me 7 pills of sertraline
What's the actual point

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 14/05/2020 16:51

Doctor gave me 7 pills of sertraline

That's to keep you safe lovely.

It's because they care.

DrDavidBanner · 14/05/2020 16:52

@Shelleygi You can call Samaritans on 116 123 and the number won't show up on your phone bill