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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hes cheated on me

346 replies

Shelleygi · 10/05/2020 15:43

Just been discharged from hospital 3 days ago and husband has come home last night and said hes cheated on me with a very young girl from work. She is accusing him of taking advantage of her sad he got her drunk etc.. this Happened the day I came out of hospital. I'm heartbroken dont know what to do

OP posts:
DrDavidBanner · 12/05/2020 19:00

What kind of real life support are you getting OP? Do you have friends or family that you can confide in?

This is such a desperately sad situation and I'm not suprised you are feeling so confused. Are you still together, or has he moved out?

As he seems to be saying a lot of things that may or may not be true but are deeply hurtful while you are trying to recover I really think some time apart from him to clear your head would be really helpful.

Winterlife · 12/05/2020 20:31

Hi OP. The OW doesn't sound like a victim to me at all. Nevertheless, that doesn't matter. Your husband decided to screw her. That's what's important here. He cheated on you. Then he tried to get rid of the evidence, and had the tables turned on him. That's why he told you. If she were not threatening him, you would never have learned of his infidelity.

You don't have an OW problem. You have a husband problem. As I posted before, it's up to you to decide how you wish to deal with it.

Iooselipssinkships · 12/05/2020 22:45

Just to hone in on that she's still sending pictures of her tits... I was sexually assaulted by someone after a night out and I went on to have, an albeit toxic, brief relationship with him. I chased him afterwards, I desperately wanted to be with him. I was 23. When I told someone what he initially did they didn't believe me because of my actions afterwards.
I cannot explain why I did this, I don't know why. It bothers me daily. I really totally undermined what he to me. I had a shitty Stepdad though so maybe it's rooted in that.
But nonetheless just because she is still sending pics doesn't mean something sinister didn't happen.

Lockdownsnackathon · 13/05/2020 08:19

Loose.. trying to reframe what happened into a normal relationship isn't uncommon. Please be kind to yourself.

Women lie, of course they do. But whether she went to that house willingly, whether she sent pictures of her tits, whether she previously persued him or not... none of that equates to consent and OP needs to get some clarity and redirect her anger.

Isawamagpie · 13/05/2020 09:46

Op, can I just ask how old you are? You sound just as young/not much older than the woman you H had it off with.
Has your DH got form for preying on younger women?

Goldenmother · 13/05/2020 11:57

This reply has been deleted

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SunshineCake · 13/05/2020 12:16

Seems my intuition was right. She's no victim.

I'd be making detailed notes and speak to the police. She's blackmailing him. That's illegal. 18 is adult.

Nattyjackie · 13/05/2020 12:21

Goldenmother he can't fire her because he slept with her. It doesn't work like that. She could bring an unfair dismissal action and would very likely win. The payout could be significant.

Workers have employment rights you can't just ride rough shod over without consequences.

Winterlife · 13/05/2020 12:21

That’s assuming OP’s husband is telling the truth. I wouldn’t count on that.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 13/05/2020 12:43

How is it reasonable to sack her after he slept wit her!? Why doesn’t he leave his job is he’s so uncomfortable!! He sounds awful. Sleeps with a girl who is barely legal, he’s married, and then when he’s had his way with her he asks her to give up her job so it’s not uncomfortable for him. What a twat.

Original poster
Shelleygi · 13/05/2020 13:55

I'm so glad ppl can see my pov. Hes done wrong.. hes gone. But why is it so easy for her to cry rape? This is why genuine ppl dont report when this has really happened to them. Other day I was so angry wanting to go to her house I realise that was wrong now. Why would she blackmail him tho? Cos she knows shes broken up a family? Left 2 small dc with no dad? Shes still saying she will work for free shes not an innocent victim in this at all

OP posts:
Nattyjackie · 13/05/2020 14:14

I think you are framing this wrong in your mind, its not blackmail its retaliation. He tried to sack her, she said she would go to the Police. Its a threat for sure but she's not actually asking for anything she isn't entitled to i.e. to continue in her job.

All this stuff she is allegedly saying have you seen it in writing or is it second hand from your now ex? if it's written have you seen the whole conversation? I think you are being drip fed information to shift the blame to her.

Nobody really knows if sexual assualt happened except your ex and this girl, the rest us conjecture.

Nattyjackie · 13/05/2020 14:28

I didn't mean to sound unsympathetic Flowers

I just think you are being played and fed a version of the truth.

She didn't break up your family, he did.

She didn't leave two small kids with no dad, he did. He also left their mum in the hospital so he could meet her for sex.

Your anger is misdirected. He made all the choices that have brought your world crashing down.

Just imagine if he did force her into a sex act that she didn't want to do (her sending naked pictures doesn't actually mitigate this btw and can be explained away - look at the Rotherham cases for example). How would that make you feel about him?

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 13/05/2020 14:53

@Shelleygi no he has broken the family, he has left his two young children without a full time dad. She is basically a child even if she was consensual your husband is way more in the wrong whatever way you look at it.

Figgygal · 13/05/2020 15:00

Your husband broke up your family
Get mad at him!!

BackseatCookers · 13/05/2020 15:06

Cos she knows shes broken up a family? Left 2 small dc with no dad?

SHE hasn't broken up a family.

Your husband flirted with her, arranged to meet her at a mates house and fucked her. All planned while you were in hospital.

HE broke up your family.

HE only told you because she mentioned the police.

YOU have reserved your venom and vitriol for her because it's easier than laying the blame where it lies - at your husbands feet.

She was after him for ages you say? Sent him nudes you say? So instead of behaving how he would if he gave a shiny shit about his family, he indulged this, shagged her and THEN (after fucking her) told her she was out of a job!!

This kind of man hates women. He shows disdain for them.

He showed disdain for you when he planned to shagged an 18 year old behind your back while you were in hospital and went through with it.

He showed disdain for her when he shagged her then told her she has lost her job.

From the way you're talking I don't buy that you've kicked him out and told him it's over for good between you, but I hope I'm wrong.

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2020 15:16

Cos she knows shes broken up a family? Left 2 small dc with no dad

I’m sorry op but there is no way round the fact he is responsible for this. I’m sorry, she may have been a willing participant, but he’s the one who made the commitment to you, he’s the one who shagged an 18 year old when you were in hospital and he’s the one who has left you, he’s the one who has broken up the family and he’s the one who left his kids.

You really need to get your head round that. It wasn’t some 18 year old who made commitments to you, was raising a family with you,cheated on you etc, It was him.

ABagOfPopcorn · 13/05/2020 15:23

You know even if he did or didn't rape her, it wasn't her that caused this, it was him.
So stop berating her like it's all her fault because it isn't.

I believe her by the way. I don't think people make shit like that up.

BackseatCookers · 13/05/2020 15:26

Oh and they aren't "without a dad" they just have a dad who shagged an 18 year old from work (best case scenario) so responsibly is on him and you to ensure he still behaves as a father from now on. By separating from you and doing his bit to coparent as successfully as possible. Obviously that won't be nice for him or you but he should of thought of that first and if you genuinely believe that he hasn't behaved as a sexual predator than you need to focus on coparenting. His unfaithfulness to you doesn't mean he is no longer a father. It's up to you and him to step up.

Wanderlust21 · 13/05/2020 15:29

Besides, there are plenty of office flirts and office tarts and yet presumably most men do the right thing and don't screw them. I mean it's not difficult. Just dont slip and fall into their vagina.

And if they send you inappropriate pictures or take things too far in other ways, go to hr or, the boss. Or if you feel there is any chance you could be tempted to screw them, change jobs.

The fact is, he has probably been looking for an opportunity to sleep with her for a loooong time. And someone that loose with his morals, she probably wasn't the first. And she probably could have been anyone else.

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2020 15:32

I assume when you’re referring to office tarts and someone being loose you’re talking about him and not this eighteen year old?

India999 · 13/05/2020 15:37

Why do people automatically assume women are lying?

Why would you threaten to tell (by the sounds of things) a victim of rapes parents about it, as if you're telling on her?

Absolutely f-ing wild.

I feel sorry for you and I'm sorry your husband did this. Ditch him and report him to the police yourself!

Wanderlust21 · 13/05/2020 15:39

The loose referral was for him yes.

pointythings · 13/05/2020 15:54

OP, you're still blaming her. Stop it. What she did was bad, but she didn't break her marriage vows, cheat on a spouse and break up a family. He did. He chose to have sex with her. It's on him.

user1481840227 · 13/05/2020 15:58

@Shelleygi
If everything that you're saying is true about this girl then do you really think that it's a happy place to live inside her head?
Clearly she must have low self esteem to put up with that from a married man instead of out enjoying her youth. I wouldn't be surprised if she was vulnerable before she met your partner, but you will probably never know this information.

They then had sex and her job was threatened, maybe she panicked about losing her job and instantly came out with that threat as a knee jerk reaction.

Also you're saying she said she'd work for free, it sounds like you're implying she has some obsession with your husband....again think about this clearly, what must be going on in her head to be obsessed with a man who is clearly a vile scumbag?
That cannot be a happy place to live.

And she DID NOT break up a family and leave 2 small children without a dad.