Hes cheated on me

[Shelleygi]

Just been discharged from hospital 3 days ago and husband has come home last night and said hes cheated on me with a very young girl from work. She is accusing him of taking advantage of her sad he got her drunk etc.. this Happened the day I came out of hospital. I'm heartbroken dont know what to do

Don’t know why people are making the effort to answer this.

It’s clear her creepy, sexually incontinent dh will be back home after a few days of begging. Young girl will be fired and probably won’t have the wherewithal to take it to tribunal so OP and her sleazebag of a dh can play happy families.

You're focusing on the wrong thing here, I understand why. If she's the evil temptress seducing men and then destroying them then you don't have to face the fact that your husband has treated you (and her) with such contempt. TBH it sounds like he's done it before, but just managed to get away with it. Does he have a high staff turn over.

(Digressing here, does anyone really believe the naïve, easily beguiled older man / calculated seductive young woman trope we see described so often? )

You will never get the truth from him and dwelling on this will only cause you harm. You can still co parent but move on, he is not good for you.

Fair point Bartlet

Yep I agree with Bartlet here.

What better to bring a couple back together than sharing a common enemy? Focus on everything that she did wrong and then it's way easier to ignore everything he did wrong and Shelly and the husband will have a new renewed bond because of the common shared enemy!

Agree with PP there's no way he won't be home in a few days. I'm not even buying that he left tbh. A night or two on the sofa at worst judging by OP's take on things.

Whether or not she consented...he slept with her while you were ill in hospital. He concocted a story to use his mates house. All this nonsense about having family visit...why would family be visiting in lockdown. It's a nonsensical story....I don't believe it, but that's not the issue.

You don't get to shag your employee then sack them.

SOME women do lie about rape. It wouldn't be the first or the last time. But if your husband didn't take her for drinks and sleep with her..this would never have happened...so it serves him right. He bein a married man put himself in a position where he could be accused. It's 100 percent on him.

Shame on him for doing this at such a vulnerable time. Hundreds dying in the country every day as a result of a global pandemic, his wife in hospital, but his priority was having sex with an 18 year old. That's what you need to focus on. The rest is for him to deal with.

I just know I could never have him touch me again after this.

Hundreds dying in the country every day as a result of a global pandemic, his wife in hospital, but his priority was having sex with an 18 year old. That's what you need to focus on. The rest is for him to deal with. I just know I could never have him touch me again after this.

Same here. If OP takes him back she has a fucking low bar, but her apologist attitude towards him doesn't give me much faith. Patriarchy in action, it's always our fault.

But why is it so easy for her to cry rape? This is why genuine ppl dont report when this has really happened to them

I would assume she's genuine. 'Crying rape' is a dreadful phrase. Women who say they've been rape d are usually telling the truth.

The police are crap and even if they drop it it doesn't mean a woman lied- it usually just means the system's crap.

Either way, he only told you he'd slept with her because he had to, or he never would have said. Is that ok with you? He is open to 'sex' and rape with other women when he's supposedly married to you. You're worth more.

Also, generally women who are raped don't send photos of their naked body parts to, and offer to work for free for, the rapist.

Also, generally women who are raped don't send photos of their naked body parts to, and offer to work for free for, the rapist.

Sunshine- in fact most women know their rapist, it's an acquaintance or usually/often someone they have had/have a sexual relationship with. Someone having had sex with someone or flirted with them etc doesn't mean it wasn't rape- in fact it's the reality of most rape.

Also we don't know much about her, whether she's vulnerable in general, and their involvement was an imbalance of power.

Women who are drunk enough are unable to consent regardless of their previous relationship with the person, or even if they've flirted with them in the past they mightn't be ready at that time.

@Sunshinecake, stranger things have happened, but it would certainly not be uncommon for people in some kind of a manipulative relationship or dynamic with another person to let themselves be walked all over, act hypersexual or behave in ways that might come across as degrading to themselves.

*having had sex with them etc in the past

Lets be reasonable here, it doesn't matter what an immature 18 year old is doing.
What matters is your 35 year old supposedly mature husband cheated on you while you were in hospital risking not only giving coronavirus and probably veneral disease to his family and cheating on his wife with a very young woman.
I find that absolutely unforgivable and he'd be out the door straight away.

Also, generally women who are raped don't send photos of their naked body parts to, and offer to work for free for, the rapist.

Sometimes women raped by someone they know do continue to talk to and on occasion even date the perpetrators - this is because the trauma is so, so hard to deal with that somehow having 'consensual' sex after a sexual assault can be seen (wrongly) to invalidate the sexual assault in the victims mind, it feels like something they can do that may erase the horror of what actually happened. It is a horribly traumatic and complicated reaction to a terrible thing. So to anyone like an earlier poster who went on to date their attacker, you are not alone and this is a response that a good therapist will understand and not judge. I really hope the young woman in question is OK.

I was violently raped by someone I was just about to have sex with and went on to have sex with!

I just wanted to have a glass of wine before we got down to it, and he grabbed my legs up so I couldn't move and violently raped me. I said no four times. He knew he was going to get consensual sex, but he is psychologically turned on by violating someone's consent, so rape was what he wanted. It was only after he left that I fully realized what he'd done/how weird and non-consensual it was.

I have bipolar and was having a manic episode at the time (which he knew) which is why I went on to have sex with him.

The police didn't do anything about it.

So best case scenario he thought argh an 18 year old junior employee is after me and sending me pics of her tits to which I'm replying. I should probably sack her.

But wait, I'll fuck her first.
Then get rid.

God he's a pig.

That above ^^ in a nutshell

Op- who employed this woman to work here, was it your dh?
If not why on earth did he not go to his boss when she was sexually harassing him?

There is only one person here who has broken up your family and that is your dh.
I can't get past the fact he wasn't there for your children whilst you were seriously ill for many days in hospital. He is not exactly father or husband of the year is he. It sounds as if all of you will be better off without him.

@Bartlet not only do I suspect you're right I wonder as it's his business what his hiring strategies and staff turnover is like. I too think this isn't the first time he's been up to no good.

@DrDavidBanner x post almost - great minds

@SunshineCake you're falling for so many rape myths it's almost like rape myth bingo

Victim portrayed as sexually aggressive
Victim portrayed as fully conscious and aware of decision making DESPITE evidence to contrary
Perpetrator portrayed as powerless to resist
Perpetrators are strangers
Victims don't continue to have a sexually influenced dynamic with perpetrator after the rape

When in fact

The vast majority of rapes are perpetrated by men known to the victim

No matter how the victim was dressed, behaved, including indicated sexual interest in the perpetrator before or since the rape does not justify rape nor mean it didn't happen

Many victims are already vulnerable due to being a previous victim of sexual abuse, addiction issues, mental illness, power imbalance etc or any combination of these perpetrators are excellent at spotting someone easy to exploit.

Even aside from all that as many if not all pps have said BEST case scenario is:

He planned to sleep with her

He lied to you

He lied to his friend who's place he used

He threatened her with loss of her job - illegal! Even if she consented to the sex

He left your dc while you were seriously ill in hospital - with who?

He risked your marriage and the security of your family

He betrayed his children's loyalty

Oh op! How awful. I don’t envy you one bit you poor thing! And all whilst you were in hospital. No wonder you’re lashing out at the girl you see as having made this happen. No one wants to accept, that the person they love would do this to them.

I know that deep down you understand who is at fault and this is just a coping mechanism for you. As long as you resist contacting this woman or her parents, you’re allowed to vent about it.

Without knowing what happened, without being there....it could be that this girl may indeed be a vindictive, spoiled brat, threatening your husband to get her own way....or she could be a vulnerable girl, very young and naive, who was encouraged to drink so much, she was unable to give consent and who is now, quite rightly, considering contacting the authorities, but confused as to whether she wants this to all come out.

Either way, it does not change what your partner has done, and you are quite right to have thrown him out. He has ripped your family apart. For a shag with a young woman. What a horrible, horrible man. He does not deserve your love or your defence of his actions. He deserves police involvement, to be able to investigate what this girl went through. Pictures of her boobs on his phone, may go in his favour, providing he didn’t take them whilst she was drunk! But even then, a photo of one’s boobs is not consent to sex.

Your partner has dug himself a right old hole no matter which way you look at it. As painful as it is, you’ve done the right thing distancing yourself from that.

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this op. It must be devastating 💐

Just phoned doctor I'm suicidal I've hurt myself over the past 3 days. Last night he told me it was all a plan to see how I would react... if I'd stand by him and hes planned it all with this girl. I'm shaking I feel sick how can somebody do this to me I fucking hate myself so much I'm such a weak person I just wanna die I wish id died in the hospital I just cant take anymore

What? He’s now saying none of it is true and he made it all up with this 18 year old to trick you and see how you’d behave ?

Your not a weak person you are a human being who is currently physically hurting from fighting the virus and your emotional fighting an abusive twat but this feeling will pass and it will get better.

Phone the police explain what hes done and tell them you don't feel safe with him in the house because hes escalating his behaviour.

Do you have real life support you can turn to?

Why on earth do you hate yourself? You haven't done anything wrong! Apart from make the mistake of marrying a total psychopath. Please, please tell me you've told him to stay far away from you!? And block his calls ect!

What did your gp say?
Can you get an emergency appointment?
You arent weak, you're just being manipulated and hurt by a horrible man and that shit takes time to bounce back from.

No I dont have anyone to talk to.. but know I need help. I still dont know what the truth is it's making me worse. He knows I cant handle things and hes done this. Es shouting and screaming at me that it was all a plan and he was gonna give me a week to see how I'd react but he couldn't "fucking handle 3 days of me" Waiting on a call from the doctor

Also, if she has never spoke to you personally, you could message her and tell her everything he has said. See if she messages you back. I mean obviously not if she personally was the one to tell you not to contact her, but if HE was the one who told you she didn't want contact- then that was probably horseshit. And I'm sure she'd be happy to shed light on things.

Honestly though op I think this is more lies he is telling. In his twisted head, because you've told him to fuck off, his ego cant take it so he's making it seem like he never wanted to stay anyway. Or like you've failed some test. Classic malignant narcissist.

Either way he is scum op. If it were true, he is a psychopath for doing that.

I think you have been in a deeply abusive relationship. And it might feel awful right now, but if you can take this opportunity to get him out of your life for good, things will be so much better in the future.