Am I being too sensitive?

[Lockdownbody]

I am early 40s and a normal weight. I have a history of eating disorder when I was late teens/early 20s but it never needed treatment and resolved. Because of this I have made a conscious decision over the years never to diet as I know how easy it is for the old unhealthy thinking patterns to come back. Other than the normal body consciousness lots of woman have, I give my history very little thought. I usually eat pretty healthily and exercise moderately on a regular basis. During lockdown this has been more difficult for practical reasons and I may have gained a few pounds.

I have a fairly new relationship of 6 months. It has all been going very well and we have been having regular video call dates during lockdown which are usually lots of fun. Last night on a video chat he admired my boobs and I made the mistake of saying they were bigger because I had recently gained weight. He then mentioned that when we have eaten together and I prepare the meals he is not used to only getting 50% of the portion. (He does exercise intensively and regularly and gets hungry.) He said that no previous partner had ever served him up a similar measure to herself, she had always given him the larger share. I found this very hurtful as the implication was I was more greedy than previous girlfriends. Most meals I prepare have been ready meals rather than home cooked so portions are aimed for two people. If I sacrificed my portion so he could eat more I think I would end up hungry. I know I am sensitive due to my old body image issues but I told him I found this a bit upsetting and said he is welcome to fill up on other food as he knows I would always have bread/snacks available. Indeed I have always checked if he is hungry and offered more food.

It has left me feeling quite sad and insecure, not to mention disappointed as I thought I had met someone who fancied me and wasn’t needing to compare me to previous relationships. I have mentioned it hurt me but he ended the call and he has told me that I took it out of context. I have been emotionally abused in previous relationships and am keen not to be denigrated yet again. How do I balance trying to be laid back about possibly slightly thoughtless comments from a boyfriend with also maintaining boundaries around being respected and not criticised?

I think this being done over text means it is easy to read things that aren’t there. I would ring him and have an actual conversation to sort it out.

Yes we’ve agreed to speak on the phone shortly. He’s not being held to ransom though over an apology apparently 🤷🏼‍♀️

Jesus why bother? He’s never going to admit he’s done anything wrong. I can’t bear people who won’t admit to a fuck up. It’s so pathetic and impresses no-one.

Not being held to ransom over an apology means that even after 24 hours he’s not going to remotely apologise. You read him wrong, IT escalated, he wasn’t getting anywhere with you last night...bla bla bla. Unless you meet him half way and take the blame off him he’s not going to accept it.

That tells you all you need to know. He knows you want an appology. He knows that's what's been missing from his texts.

What would it have costed him to say 'sorry I upset you're. Nothing. That would been that.

Not even sure I'd bother phoning him. He sounds a right wank.

No I don’t think I would call either. How exactly does he expect the call to go? Completely ignore the elephant in the room and pretend nothing happened?

What a total wanker. He is escalating this hard. He really wants you to apologise to him for being annoyed at his bad behaviour. I guess the phone call will be him scolding you for having feelings he has decided you are not permitted.

Interesting how you can be held to ransome over an apology in the sense of he will not apologise and you have to have sex to prove he can trust you to let him be a bell end in future. Your great reward? More being treated like shit. I can't imagine why this prince is divorced. Ah, actually, I can.

See now...that’s what gives it away. Even if you did genuinely misconstrue what he said, he should still apologise for the misunderstanding. That’s just what people do.

I think he’s refusing an apology because there was no misunderstanding. He meant to make you feel as you do and he’s not sorry. If you don’t like it, tough.

Proceed with caution.

You will be expected to apologise op.. Will you?

I think you are being a bit sensitive to be honest.

But at the same time, don't apologise when you've done nothing wrong. This all sounds exhausting - is he worth it OP?

He is being dick about it but you likely find that lots of families do do different portions. We do 3 sizes - dc, me, dc. I'm the middle one. DH is much bigger than me and eats about 1/3 more food, sometimes more. I thought every couple did this. Obviously when I'm hungry I might eat more, but the norm is that i plate up a smaller portion.

So he might genuinely feel he should be getting a plate with more food on it than you. I tend to drink most of the wine though

Was it a draining conversation, OP?

What the original argument was about is irrelevant. A decent human being would apologise for is part in the misunderstanding and not minimise your feelings.

I could let the food comment slide OR the comparing to exs OR the not liking me talking about exs OR the withdrawals OR the "I was only joking" excuse OR the suggestion that as long as he smiles he can say hurtful things and I should just accept it OR the lack of apologies OR the twisting things back onto me being too sensitive OR the totally selfish need to be the focus when my ex was not returning my dc OR the hanging up on me in the middle of a discussion about my feelings OR the dismissal of my feelings OR the any one of the other 'little' red flags.

But, put them together and you have enough red flags bunting for a VE street party post lockdown.

How did the phone call go OP?

He is actually making me feel physically ill.

He is training you right now. If you let this go, OP, he might as well just throw you some dog biscuits next time.

I don't think he sounds very nice, in both what he said and in how he responded when you were upset.

Having no man is better than having a man that makes you feel bad.

This one belongs in the bin IMO.

Maybe he was trying to lighten the mood with the 'make up sex' comment, but it would leave a bad taste in my mouth and I think I would block then.

Sorry for delayed update - working from home and homeschooling dominating almost every second.

He did apologise in the end but only after a lot of saying he doesn’t want to be the one apologising all the time. He said he didn’t mean to upset me and he remembered the conversation in a very different way. I hear what a lot of you are saying in that this could be a developing pattern and he’s training me to put up and shut up but I haven’t got the mental energy for a breakup right now. The last one destroyed me for many months. I’m keeping my eyes wide open though and I’ve asked that he doesn’t flounce off in an argument again.

Thanks for all the support.

Shame we can't just have make up sex and move on

Ugh. That's grim. He's making me feel ill too @TheStoic

Having no man is better than having a man that makes you feel bad.

This one belongs in the bin IMO.

@nomoredickheads is spot on bin him OP!

The last one destroyed me for many months.

Was that after only six months, though? It sounds like you're with him because that's the easier thing to do, and while I can understand that feeling, it doesn't sound like a good enough reason to be with somebody.

I haven’t got the mental energy for a breakup right now. The last one destroyed me for many months
But you've got the mental, physical and emotional energy to continue this 'relationship'????

At least be honest with yourself OP - you're so desperate for a man to provide the validation that you won't give yourself, that you are CHOOSING to excuse abusive behaviour and red flags to keep him.

He isn't going to get 'better' and you can't 'change' him.....he's just going to keep gathering info and ammunition to fuck with your head.
You've had to literally BEG him for an apology - and he gives you a shitty one.....next time you'll shut yourself up and take his abuse cos you'll remember he told you he doesn’t want to be the one apologising all the time.
So....get prepared for more of this: it will be your fault that he behaves/reacts in an abusive manner towards you, your fault that you perceive his 'normal' behaviour as abusive and hurtful, you don't know your own mind and you can't really think clearly for yourself cos you know, you're 'damaged' from all your 'issues' (some of which he's already listed)

A break up is so much easier than carrying on this farce.....so just be honest with yourself that you're choosing to give an abusive man another chance.

when i say 'your fault'.....that is what HE will be saying or inferring.