Am I being too sensitive?

[Lockdownbody]

I am early 40s and a normal weight. I have a history of eating disorder when I was late teens/early 20s but it never needed treatment and resolved. Because of this I have made a conscious decision over the years never to diet as I know how easy it is for the old unhealthy thinking patterns to come back. Other than the normal body consciousness lots of woman have, I give my history very little thought. I usually eat pretty healthily and exercise moderately on a regular basis. During lockdown this has been more difficult for practical reasons and I may have gained a few pounds.

I have a fairly new relationship of 6 months. It has all been going very well and we have been having regular video call dates during lockdown which are usually lots of fun. Last night on a video chat he admired my boobs and I made the mistake of saying they were bigger because I had recently gained weight. He then mentioned that when we have eaten together and I prepare the meals he is not used to only getting 50% of the portion. (He does exercise intensively and regularly and gets hungry.) He said that no previous partner had ever served him up a similar measure to herself, she had always given him the larger share. I found this very hurtful as the implication was I was more greedy than previous girlfriends. Most meals I prepare have been ready meals rather than home cooked so portions are aimed for two people. If I sacrificed my portion so he could eat more I think I would end up hungry. I know I am sensitive due to my old body image issues but I told him I found this a bit upsetting and said he is welcome to fill up on other food as he knows I would always have bread/snacks available. Indeed I have always checked if he is hungry and offered more food.

It has left me feeling quite sad and insecure, not to mention disappointed as I thought I had met someone who fancied me and wasn’t needing to compare me to previous relationships. I have mentioned it hurt me but he ended the call and he has told me that I took it out of context. I have been emotionally abused in previous relationships and am keen not to be denigrated yet again. How do I balance trying to be laid back about possibly slightly thoughtless comments from a boyfriend with also maintaining boundaries around being respected and not criticised?

OP, your radarvis right as is the gut feeling you have.

He's not a good one.
Throw him back.

You are being trained by him to not question, not offend.

Ignore your gut at your peril.

I got a message from him which says:

I was getting nowhere with you last night [my name] and I wanted a positive final day with [his son], not tapping away at my phone all day whilst he's in my care. I messaged you as soon as he left but that's not the crux of the issue here is it. It's the misinterpretation between us last night and just how fast things escalate. Not ideal at all.

He would usually message when he has his son so that doesn’t ring true. No apology or acknowledgment of him upsetting me. I would like to give him a chance to apologise but I find it really hard to explain how I feel and I tend to just let these things go as I hate conflict.

I think he has basically said it isnt working in that text. Whether or not that is to get you to panic and feel you need to appologise though.. who knows.

Trust your gut.

Well OP, you can't be surprised if you end up in awful relationships because you want to avoid conflict and end up accept being treated badly.

One will follow the other.🤷‍♀️

Good luck.

He then texted ‘ Shame we can't just have make up sex and move on...’

Just don’t know how to reply.

So basically he isnt apologising and he wants you to just get over it.

I dunno op. Only you know if what he said feels really not ok to you or not. And if it does then you shouldnt brush it aside.

It might be time for a 'I think we should move on, seperately'. Or it may just mean letting it go but being on look out in future for anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or isnt acceptable.

Not ideal at all

Does this sound like he's blaming you for the "escalation"?

So the too busy excuse (like he couldn't have sent a quick "I'm with my son, we'll speak later" this morning). And also the twisting it back on you saying you misinterpreted what he said, without explaining what he actually meant. And then a subtle dig at you being over sensitive as it 'esculated quickly'. Not ideal is not an admittance of his part, butdesigned to make you panic as he's saying it is your behaviour that wasn't ideal.

That was his chance to apologise. He didn't take it. In fact I think he's fishing for an apology from you.

You don't need to explain again how you feel. He knows already. I think you've been quite clear. He just doesn't want to know. You rephrasing it isn't going to change that.

You're confusing conflict with having an adult discussion. Perhaps because you try to have an adult discussion and he builds it into conflict and punishment. And thus training you to let it go.

I'm afraid I agree with @billy1966, if you avoid conflict by use the excuse that you don't like it (few people do, but they defend their boundaries anyway) and accept being treated badly you will end up with shite relationships.

You've recognised that his behaviour has red flags, but that's no good if you're just going to let them go to avoid 'conflict'.

Shame when you misjudge someone isn't it?
Sorry this ain't working for me.
Take care.
Block.
But I know I am very black and white...

Basically shut up about it, and have sex with him to show you've forgotten all about. Like a good little woman!

That would give me the ick right there!

Well there you go.

Re reading it...it sounds like an arrogant reply. My instinct would be that it is saying 'look at your behaviour'. I don't think I'd be happy with it as a response. Especially if I was hoping for an appology.

That's me personally.
But my gut says, at best he was being standoffish at worst, manipulative.

Lockdown, you're feeling like crap because he's treating you like crap.

From him when I texted saying it sounded like he was saying it wasn’t working so I was confused to get the make up text:

Well what would you like to do? You have actually said as yet. We could message back and forth for days and I don't have the will or the energy to do that. I'm trying to diffuse things. I can promise to be more sensitive but please, if I'm smiling when I'm talking to you, it generally means I'm being light hearted. There was no attack. I was talking about myself and being self deprecative.

He is literally saying he wants you to shag him and shut up, aren't you even a little angry?

Ok, you're getting nowhere with this bloke tonight. He's not having any part of it. Fine. If he wants to be passive agressive and all "I'm sorry you feel that way" bullshit, then two can play that game.

Just reply "It's a real shame that it didn't come across that way. Anyhow, it's given us plenty to mull over, perhaps we are quite different people after all. Hope you have a good week, talk soon"

Cos you're getting nowhere fast tonight and you'll get exhausted going back and forth and start to look obsessed. So just shut it down tonight in a way that makes it clear you're mulling your options.

At best he’s an arse who refuses to apologise or even acknowledge why you’re upset. He doesn’t care how you feel. I could not be fagged with it, personally.

Nope! That’s ‘your fault for escalating, now see how upset I am’ followed by ‘it’s just a joke’ . I’ve been here. Doesn’t get better.

If he had said 'I'm sorry if I upset you, I really didn't mean to' then that would be that right? But it's like he is twisting it to make it seem like you are overreacting and he is misunderstood.

Or is it...?
Maybe we are over reacting lol. Oh, he's good.

I dunno op. If there have been similar incident though..thoughtless sentiments dismissed as banter or misunderstandings ect??...then maybe i'd be more sure he was manipulating.

Sounds like he wants you to apologise for daring to not be grateful he eventually text you!

He's trying to get you to apologize and then for you to shut up and forget about it!!!

Yup, that’s exactly what’s happening. I’ve overreacted, it’s not all on him etc. No hint of an apology.

Then I think you know what to do op. A playful of ltb with a side serving of block block blockity block block block.

If that's what you feel is happening then unfortunately theres no way a healthy relationship is coming from this. Trust yourself. Goid luck x

*Plateful

Or the mn fav...
Off you fuck cuntychops...