Am I being too sensitive?

[Lockdownbody]

I am early 40s and a normal weight. I have a history of eating disorder when I was late teens/early 20s but it never needed treatment and resolved. Because of this I have made a conscious decision over the years never to diet as I know how easy it is for the old unhealthy thinking patterns to come back. Other than the normal body consciousness lots of woman have, I give my history very little thought. I usually eat pretty healthily and exercise moderately on a regular basis. During lockdown this has been more difficult for practical reasons and I may have gained a few pounds.

I have a fairly new relationship of 6 months. It has all been going very well and we have been having regular video call dates during lockdown which are usually lots of fun. Last night on a video chat he admired my boobs and I made the mistake of saying they were bigger because I had recently gained weight. He then mentioned that when we have eaten together and I prepare the meals he is not used to only getting 50% of the portion. (He does exercise intensively and regularly and gets hungry.) He said that no previous partner had ever served him up a similar measure to herself, she had always given him the larger share. I found this very hurtful as the implication was I was more greedy than previous girlfriends. Most meals I prepare have been ready meals rather than home cooked so portions are aimed for two people. If I sacrificed my portion so he could eat more I think I would end up hungry. I know I am sensitive due to my old body image issues but I told him I found this a bit upsetting and said he is welcome to fill up on other food as he knows I would always have bread/snacks available. Indeed I have always checked if he is hungry and offered more food.

It has left me feeling quite sad and insecure, not to mention disappointed as I thought I had met someone who fancied me and wasn’t needing to compare me to previous relationships. I have mentioned it hurt me but he ended the call and he has told me that I took it out of context. I have been emotionally abused in previous relationships and am keen not to be denigrated yet again. How do I balance trying to be laid back about possibly slightly thoughtless comments from a boyfriend with also maintaining boundaries around being respected and not criticised?

That call and the subsequent texts is The Narcissist's Prayer in action!

You are setting yourself up for a future with more of you saying why do I keep ending up in bad relationships, I weed out the bad guys

Instead of OMG let me tell you about this loser I dated for a while, he started out all sweetness then got increasingly twatty

Be the woman who actually weeds them out. Yeah it wasn't obvious he was a weed at the early stage but now he grown a bit you can see he's a nettle. Root him out and chuck him on the compost.

I think the comments he made about portion size are actually the most innocuous out of the points you’ve highlighted. You have to be careful not to offend him...that’s quite telling.
But yes, there was no reason to make the comparison he did other than to imply fault and incite insecurity. If it wasn’t, he’d be apologising. As it is, you were supposed to slink off and feel crap about yourself, not call him out. Now it’s your fault.

Imagine living with him and him portioning your meals like a child...
That's something to look forward to if you stay with him op...

Don't waste another week on this one. Fling him back in the sea.

Don't like the sound of him at all. The phone thing when your kids were being withheld - WTAF??!

The portion size thing makes no sense anyway. You put out equal portions. He ate his. He was still hungry. He could have asked for a second helping. If there were no seconds he might not have mentioned it on the first time you cooked out of politeness.

Anyway it would be resolved when he does the cooking next time he would put out a larger portion for himself and mention neutrally that he needs a lot more food than you, which is not surprising for a man.

Even if you didn't get the hint, he could offer to bring round some extra garlic bread or something to make sure he's full up.

This is a mousehill of a problem he has made into a mountain. And why? Who knows? Does he expect you to mind read? Is it even true? Was he just looking for a way to neg you?

Life's too short for dickheads like this.

I think he certainly likes to take priority anyway.

Give me more food.
Being my girlfriend is more important than being your children’s mother.
Don’t talk about other men. There is only me.
You’re too sensitive.

Hmm.

Be the woman who actually weeds them out. Yeah it wasn't obvious he was a weed at the early stage but now he grown a bit you can see he's a nettle. Root him out and chuck him on the compost.

Yep. Sorry OP.

You're not oversensitive, he tried to push it back onto you, you 'took it out of context'. Yeah...no.

He has bought me flowers, helped me out in practical ways and most importantly been emotionally available, often telling me he loves and fancies me.

This isn’t emotional availability, it’s a short cut. He did the same thing in his message to you - stuck an “I love you” on the end to try to distract from the heap of shit preceding it.

It’s this treating you like a princess thing that men like this always do - it’s so easy for them. Buy some flowers, say they love you all the time. Being a “great guy” isn’t that stuff. That stuff is superficial shorthand that not-very-great guys do because they don’t understand how to really respect and love someone.

When you complain about their behaviour they can just go, “I’m not abusive, I treat you like a princess, you’re the one with the problem!”.

As if the only way a man can be unpleasant or abusive is if he’s behaving like something out of a Tennessee Williams play. Well, who benefits from that common perception? Men who are abusive in more subtle, but more common and just as damaging ways, that’s who.

You’re right to be picky about men, OP, but you need to re-set your ideas about what being a great guy actually is. This one sounds like a wazzock.

It’s this treating you like a princess thing that men like this always do - it’s so easy for them. Buy some flowers, say they love you all the time. Being a “great guy” isn’t that stuff. That stuff is superficial shorthand that not-very-great guys do because they don’t understand how to really respect and love someone.

This x 1000. Bravo Winter

As long as you give him penis portions of food, be very very careful never to offend him, and acknowledge that while he's perfectly free to discuss his exes, you must erase your past, and realise he is the only man in the world you can acknowledge or have contact with, you'll be fine. Oh and always apologise even when he's in the wrong, or expect the silent treatment as punishment.

Or, you could have a relationship with a normal man, after staying single for a while and doing The Freedom Programme and establishing boundaries and noting red flags early on.

The flowers, practical support and telling you he likes you are the absolute basics for any relationship surely? Even my mates do that for me.

You don't know what someone is actually like until you face hard times, until them being kind to you involves sacrificing something themselves.

When you had a rough time with your kids he behaved selfishly.

When you were pissed off with his behaviour in the call he didn't apologise, he didn't reflect on his own behaviour, he went on the attack.

It’s this treating you like a princess thing that men like this always do - it’s so easy for them. Buy some flowers, say they love you all the time. Being a “great guy” isn’t that stuff. That stuff is superficial shorthand that not-very-great guys do because they don’t understand how to really respect and love someone.

YES. This.

If you can't be yourself, and are treading on eggshells trying to avoid "offending" and he's jealous, you are downplaying some big red flags 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩. You should be able to be natural with him.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply to me. Some of this has made for quite hard reading. I still haven’t heard from him which is an absolute first. I’ve loved the attention as my previous boyfriend never bought he flowers and held me at arms length our whole 18 month relationship. Then dumped me and moved on to the girl who used to bully me at school! 🙄 My kids dad has been making my life hell recently by imposing all sorts of conditions on my life because of the virus and stopping maintenance. So this relationship has been the bright spot in a pretty shitty time. I’m reluctant to end it as it has brought me a lot of happiness. But will see what today brings and I’m taking on board all the red flag warnings.

I fear this is you refusing to weed - to steal a pp's analogy. No red flag waving man is going to anything less than Prince charming to start. That's why recognising and acting on red flags is so important. Your now invested and willing to overlook red flags. Look to the possible future red flags signal, not the prince charming of the past/present. Avoiding small heartbreak now, can be a path to huge heartbreak in the future. Are you willing to gamble?

@Thingsdogetbetter I hear what you are saying and you are probably right that I’m refusing to weed. Given that he still hasn’t messaged me that may well be taken out of my hands anyway. I haven’t had much luck with relationships and I feel there is little hope of finding another one as online dating could be off limits for another year or two 😭 I know that’s not a reason to stick with a bad relationship but it genuinely has been good most of the time.

Sorry OP. I think my Last post was a bit too much of a lecture rather than advice. I hope it does work.out for you.

Aw sweetie, at six months it should be fantastic all the time! With zero red flags. He was unsympathetic and cold when he hung up last night. You deserve better.

So the minute he phones you, it's game back on as far as you're concerned? However long that might be?

Yeah I’m sorry for lecturing too. I just get frustrated with the number of times I hear about men who are apparently so great when they seem to be doing the bare minimum of decent human interaction. The bar is set so low that it allows dickheads to get away with all sorts.

I think once he texted you’d taken it out of context and heard different to what he said. There was no need for you to have another jab at him by saying it was hurtful and you wished to discuss it again today. He’s probably thinking it’s all a bit much, especially if he did say something different to what you heard.

From what you’ve said, I think he’s saying the portion sizes you give him are too small. They are equal to his and he eats a lot more than you due to his size and exercise regime. And that generally others gave him bigger portions p because he is bigger and thus eats more than them. This doesn’t mean your portion has to be small. It just means his needs to be bigger.

This is the reason plated meals can be problematic. A set amount of food, has to be split equally because there is not enough of it for both to have as much as they wish. Ready meals can be notoriously small.

I think because you only heat up ready meals and by your own admission if they were any smaller you yourself would be hungry, then the issue he was pointing out was one of portion size. So because he gets a small ready meal he has to fill up on bread or pudding in your view .

So really it’s about making enough food to feed you both satifsctorly.

What you heard was “you’re fat and eat too much and should eat less and give me more”

What he said was “ I eat a lot, always a lot more than my partners, you give me the same as you eat and I need more food than that, as you eat less than me”

And you will eat less than him if you’re a healthy weight and exercise only moderately.

Why do you only make readymeals though? This seems to be the root of the problem.

You are missing out on the good relationships because you hang on to the bad ones.

Eighteen months wasted on someone who didn't even do the basics.

That's like going to a nice restaurant getting terrible service on your third and fourth visits, going back twice a week all the same because sometimes you get a nice bit of sauce and the waiter doesn't sneer at your choices every time. Then moaning that everyone gets nicer food than you in other restaurants. If you are going full codependent then you'll buy the manager books on cooking and spend hours agonising about the waiter's troubled childhood that cause him to ve a dick. You'll say you can't eat at other restaurants because this poor troubled cafe has no other clientele and desperately need the money.

You need the Freedom Programme.

I haven’t had much luck with relationships and I feel there is little hope of finding another one

It is OK to not be owned by a man. Really.

Do you really feel it is better to be in a bad relationship than be single?