Am I being too sensitive?

[Lockdownbody]

I am early 40s and a normal weight. I have a history of eating disorder when I was late teens/early 20s but it never needed treatment and resolved. Because of this I have made a conscious decision over the years never to diet as I know how easy it is for the old unhealthy thinking patterns to come back. Other than the normal body consciousness lots of woman have, I give my history very little thought. I usually eat pretty healthily and exercise moderately on a regular basis. During lockdown this has been more difficult for practical reasons and I may have gained a few pounds.

I have a fairly new relationship of 6 months. It has all been going very well and we have been having regular video call dates during lockdown which are usually lots of fun. Last night on a video chat he admired my boobs and I made the mistake of saying they were bigger because I had recently gained weight. He then mentioned that when we have eaten together and I prepare the meals he is not used to only getting 50% of the portion. (He does exercise intensively and regularly and gets hungry.) He said that no previous partner had ever served him up a similar measure to herself, she had always given him the larger share. I found this very hurtful as the implication was I was more greedy than previous girlfriends. Most meals I prepare have been ready meals rather than home cooked so portions are aimed for two people. If I sacrificed my portion so he could eat more I think I would end up hungry. I know I am sensitive due to my old body image issues but I told him I found this a bit upsetting and said he is welcome to fill up on other food as he knows I would always have bread/snacks available. Indeed I have always checked if he is hungry and offered more food.

It has left me feeling quite sad and insecure, not to mention disappointed as I thought I had met someone who fancied me and wasn’t needing to compare me to previous relationships. I have mentioned it hurt me but he ended the call and he has told me that I took it out of context. I have been emotionally abused in previous relationships and am keen not to be denigrated yet again. How do I balance trying to be laid back about possibly slightly thoughtless comments from a boyfriend with also maintaining boundaries around being respected and not criticised?

[Lockdownbody]

Thanks all. I do appreciate all viewpoints and especially those like @Bluntness100 who have seen both sides.

@billy1966 that’s a bit harsh. I keep my children completely separate from any relationship. I only see him when my kids are away (or did before lockdown) and it’s not like I’m going to be moving him in any time soon.

@0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h I certainly didn’t expect him to get into any conversation with me. A simple ‘morning, let’s speak later’ would have done it. The silence after being hung up on was the thing that upset me most and I’ve made it clear that I don’t want to be in that sort of relationship.

[Bluntness100]

Op, for this one off issue, I see both sides and how to could occur. It’s a he said she said, he heard she heard thing.

As said I can see two sides. Shocking some posters are being so horrible to you because you won’t dump him over it. The words being used are hateful.

It says more about the posters than you.

Good luck, I hope in future you’re able to calmly discuss things as a couple and not let misinterpretations escalate like this, from both of you. Something to work on.

[pictish]

Calm down billy fgs.

So OP, what usually happens when a poster updates to say she’s not going to LTB without further ado, is that some responders get a bit insistent, melodramatic and even insulting about your decision. It does actually come from a place of care and frustration but it’s off putting for the OP (that’s you) who tends to disappear.

Hopefully this thread has helped in some way. No one ditches their relationship immediately on the say so of an internet chat forum..but there have been lots of good points made which you’ll keep in mind.

Good luck. He’s probably an arsehole but that’s for you to figure out. X

[bringincrazyback]

Why do you only make readymeals though? This seems to be the root of the problem.

FFS.
How on earth is this the root of the problem??

[bringincrazyback]

You're not being oversensitive. He's being a bellend, and sexist with it.

[0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h]

I didn't realise he had his son with him. He's entirely right not to get sucked into a tension filled argument when he's having quality time with his kid. I would also feel that you could shelve it. It's one thing to be in touch casually when you're looking after a child, quite different to be hearing someone's feelings, dealing appropriately, expressing your own feelings etc. I'm quite shocked you expected that from a person when they're doing child care prior to their child going off, especially in a young relationship. That's not on. He's a parent first and you need to be able to put this to one side while he's doing that.

[billy1966]

OP,
Please try and think of your children, your utter desperation for any man, no matter how awful, and how many red flags they wave, put your children in potentially great peril.

[TinRoofRusty]

Your bar is so low a flea could limbo under it. You seem content to give away all your power to whoever shows you attention and would rather be with a dickhead than be single. That's so sad. Your lack of energy anb being tired are due to the head fuck this bloke is. You need to stop dating for a long, long time because right now you're a magnet for twats. He's training you up, but you're also letting him. I'd dump for the penis portion comment alone.

[TeaAndHobnob]

Well, it's your choice. But please come back to this thread in a few weeks when another issue about how he speaks to you has raised its head.

[TorkTorkBam]

Will it become easier to break up after you have been together longer?

Did you tell him to stop talking about his exes?

[monkeymonkey2010]

when i say 'your fault'.....that is what HE will be saying or inferring.

[monkeymonkey2010]

I haven’t got the mental energy for a breakup right now. The last one destroyed me for many months
But you've got the mental, physical and emotional energy to continue this 'relationship'????

At least be honest with yourself OP - you're so desperate for a man to provide the validation that you won't give yourself, that you are CHOOSING to excuse abusive behaviour and red flags to keep him.

He isn't going to get 'better' and you can't 'change' him.....he's just going to keep gathering info and ammunition to fuck with your head.
You've had to literally BEG him for an apology - and he gives you a shitty one.....next time you'll shut yourself up and take his abuse cos you'll remember he told you he doesn’t want to be the one apologising all the time.
So....get prepared for more of this: it will be your fault that he behaves/reacts in an abusive manner towards you, your fault that you perceive his 'normal' behaviour as abusive and hurtful, you don't know your own mind and you can't really think clearly for yourself cos you know, you're 'damaged' from all your 'issues' (some of which he's already listed)

A break up is so much easier than carrying on this farce.....so just be honest with yourself that you're choosing to give an abusive man another chance.

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

The last one destroyed me for many months.

Was that after only six months, though? It sounds like you're with him because that's the easier thing to do, and while I can understand that feeling, it doesn't sound like a good enough reason to be with somebody.

[ALovelyBitOfSquirrel]

Shame we can't just have make up sex and move on


Ugh. That's grim. He's making me feel ill too @TheStoic


Having no man is better than having a man that makes you feel bad.

This one belongs in the bin IMO.

@nomoredickheads is spot on bin him OP!

[Lockdownbody]

Sorry for delayed update - working from home and homeschooling dominating almost every second.

He did apologise in the end but only after a lot of saying he doesn’t want to be the one apologising all the time. He said he didn’t mean to upset me and he remembered the conversation in a very different way. I hear what a lot of you are saying in that this could be a developing pattern and he’s training me to put up and shut up but I haven’t got the mental energy for a breakup right now. The last one destroyed me for many months. I’m keeping my eyes wide open though and I’ve asked that he doesn’t flounce off in an argument again.

Thanks for all the support.

[NoMoreDickheads]

Maybe he was trying to lighten the mood with the 'make up sex' comment, but it would leave a bad taste in my mouth and I think I would block then.

[NoMoreDickheads]

I don't think he sounds very nice, in both what he said and in how he responded when you were upset.

Having no man is better than having a man that makes you feel bad.

This one belongs in the bin IMO.

[TheStoic]

He is actually making me feel physically ill.

He is training you right now. If you let this go, OP, he might as well just throw you some dog biscuits next time.

[Thingsdogetbetter]

I could let the food comment slide OR the comparing to exs OR the not liking me talking about exs OR the withdrawals OR the "I was only joking" excuse OR the suggestion that as long as he smiles he can say hurtful things and I should just accept it OR the lack of apologies OR the twisting things back onto me being too sensitive OR the totally selfish need to be the focus when my ex was not returning my dc OR the hanging up on me in the middle of a discussion about my feelings OR the dismissal of my feelings OR the any one of the other 'little' red flags.

But, put them together and you have enough red flags bunting for a VE street party post lockdown.

How did the phone call go OP?

[SaladSpoons]

What the original argument was about is irrelevant. A decent human being would apologise for is part in the misunderstanding and not minimise your feelings.

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

Was it a draining conversation, OP?

[Blueblackrose]

So he might genuinely feel he should be getting a plate with more food on it than you. I tend to drink most of the wine though

[Blueblackrose]

He is being dick about it but you likely find that lots of families do do different portions. We do 3 sizes - dc, me, dc. I'm the middle one. DH is much bigger than me and eats about 1/3 more food, sometimes more. I thought every couple did this. Obviously when I'm hungry I might eat more, but the norm is that i plate up a smaller portion.

[roarfeckingroar]

But at the same time, don't apologise when you've done nothing wrong. This all sounds exhausting - is he worth it OP?

[roarfeckingroar]

I think you are being a bit sensitive to be honest.