Am I being too sensitive?

[Lockdownbody]

I am early 40s and a normal weight. I have a history of eating disorder when I was late teens/early 20s but it never needed treatment and resolved. Because of this I have made a conscious decision over the years never to diet as I know how easy it is for the old unhealthy thinking patterns to come back. Other than the normal body consciousness lots of woman have, I give my history very little thought. I usually eat pretty healthily and exercise moderately on a regular basis. During lockdown this has been more difficult for practical reasons and I may have gained a few pounds.

I have a fairly new relationship of 6 months. It has all been going very well and we have been having regular video call dates during lockdown which are usually lots of fun. Last night on a video chat he admired my boobs and I made the mistake of saying they were bigger because I had recently gained weight. He then mentioned that when we have eaten together and I prepare the meals he is not used to only getting 50% of the portion. (He does exercise intensively and regularly and gets hungry.) He said that no previous partner had ever served him up a similar measure to herself, she had always given him the larger share. I found this very hurtful as the implication was I was more greedy than previous girlfriends. Most meals I prepare have been ready meals rather than home cooked so portions are aimed for two people. If I sacrificed my portion so he could eat more I think I would end up hungry. I know I am sensitive due to my old body image issues but I told him I found this a bit upsetting and said he is welcome to fill up on other food as he knows I would always have bread/snacks available. Indeed I have always checked if he is hungry and offered more food.

It has left me feeling quite sad and insecure, not to mention disappointed as I thought I had met someone who fancied me and wasn’t needing to compare me to previous relationships. I have mentioned it hurt me but he ended the call and he has told me that I took it out of context. I have been emotionally abused in previous relationships and am keen not to be denigrated yet again. How do I balance trying to be laid back about possibly slightly thoughtless comments from a boyfriend with also maintaining boundaries around being respected and not criticised?

As long as you give him penis portions of food

Oh cmon, they are eating ready meals. Usually they wouldn’t fill up a small child. That’s why rhe op can’t have a smaller portion, she’d be hungry,

He’s probably physically bigger and she’s said he exercises more than her. So he’s got a bigger appetite. It’s not penis portions. People who are bigger and exercise hard eat more than those who don’t and see smaller. Irrelevant of gender. Wanting a decent sized meal and not to fill up on bread and pudding isn’t some weird thing to want. She’s giving him enough they just fills her.

Because they are just eating heated up ready meals

I honestly can’t get my head round people shouting Ltb over this.

The relationship is good otherwise. This is a clear case of what he said and what she heard.

And if it is a clear case of that, then he’s a right to be a bit pissed off she’s reacted as she did. What’s he supposed to do, crawl on broken glass because she heard something different because of past issues?

Sometimes on mumsnet it’s only allowed for the women to be annoyed. Apparantly they can behave as they wish and their partners should grovel even when it’s all a miscommunication.

Real,life is equal rights.

Why do you only make readymeals though? This seems to be the root of the problem. Oh, Bluntness, it really, really isn't

I think my radar would be beeping op.

When you mention putting on weight lately it seems he immediately seizes on that insecurity and says you eat more than his exs. You might, might be dealing with a narcissist here.

Being compared with an ex, even favourably is never a good sign. You should also be look out for unfavourable comparisons in future.

Also 'insecurity' in a partner is worrying. Often it isnt insecurity at all, its control. You may find at some point, you are constantly trying to reassure him and changing your behaviour in order to do so. Trying to prove your loyalty/innocence/goodness or worth.

I would be on the look out op. That's for sure. Do some reading on narcissists and make sure you dont let ppl bulldoze your boundaries. Always listen to your gut if something makes you uncomfortable.

He sounds awful. Having read your posts, if this is him at his best, you really need to think twice and get out. I really think he sounds like trouble and you're going to find he is only lovely when it's all going his way and all about him.

*I honestly can’t get my head round people shouting Ltb over this.

The relationship is good otherwise. This is a clear case of what he said and what she heard*

Yeah, that bit about moaning and sulking that the op was on her phone when her ex was refusing to return her dc was just precious
Really happy memories being made there, one for the wedding speech, maybe?

Seriously, Bluntness, you think that stropping off to the sofa overnight because OP is checking her phone when her ex is refusing to give the dc back is acceptable?

And cutting a call and giving the silent treatment over a minor disagreement?

And OP being constantly careful of what she says around him to avoid him getting "offended"?

I’m not sure how much weight to give the trying not offend him thing. After all, I am now offended after what he said. So theoretically he could say he has to walk on eggshells around me.

Still no message from him. The last falling out he had messaged by 10.30am the next day to apologise. Not know whether just to ask why I am getting the silent treatment just so I could be put out of my misery.

He said that no previous partner had ever served him up a similar measure to herself, she had always given him the larger share
So he expects to be given special considerations - and it's always the woman's job to cater to his 'needs'?
Why has he never brought along extra food for his 'special diet' that 'needs more food'?
Or are you expected to suck up the cost of catering to his 'special dietary needs'?

I found this very hurtful as the implication was I was more greedy than previous girlfriends
This is where you need to work on your own self-image and esteem - and not let your emotions rule you.
HE is the one who is literally stating that he feels entitled to bigger portions and he's always had 'bigger' portions than the other person!
So why the fuck are YOU feeling 'greedy'?!!!!

Tell him he's welcome to bring additional food and start taking turns at providing meals if he wants bigger portions.

Lockdown You are a strong,capable, intelligent, professional, loving woman. All you lack is the ability to realise what you are and that you deserve to be treated well. Get angry - who the hell is he that you feel powerless in his presence? What are you teaching your children about self esteem and self respect? You have agency. Use it.

His current behaviour is him starting to condition you - this is what happens if you ever dare do something as reasonable as state your feelings and have a mind of your own.
You are to intuit his 'needs' and automatically cater to them - daring to question them or 'invalidate' them by stating that your needs and 'normal' are just as important to you is 'not acceptable behaviour in a woman'.

Tell him you're happy with yourself and won't be changing to suit him.....so you're going to take him out of his 'misery' - and dump him!

Do NOT ask about silent treatment. He'll twist it: he was waiting for you to contact; you're being needy; it wasn't silent treat, he was just busy.

I suspect everytime you open up about concerns about his behaviour, he twists it. And you end up feeling shite and confused.

Ignore him. Do not contact first.

Agree. Do NOT contact first. If you do he will claim he hasn’t been ignoring you or keeping you dangling since the disagreement, he’s simply been busy...unlike yourself who has clearly been worrying about it and caved first. It will give him the upper hand. He expects you to cave.
Do. Not.

Why are you in misery? That is an over reaction to a minor falling out.

I love you too. But found the way it came across quite hurtful although I accept you didn’t mean it that way. Let’s talk tomorrow.

That was at 1am. Me, I'd be waiting for him to realise he had been a dick in that last text and message me an abject apology including a promise he won't ever compare me to other girls ever again.

For peace of mind assume he is letting the dust settle, in case you dump him moment he makes contact, then he will give you the proper apology and cook you a slap up meal to boot. That's what a normal fella who made a mistake at 1am would do.

He doesn't yet feel you will be grateful enough for his text message...

He’s now messaged a simple Hi, how’s your day? X

I haven’t yet responded....

He's a dick...he mentions your boobs so you casually say you've gained a little weight so he uses that as an excuse to criticize you for not giving him a bigger portion (because in his mind obviously men are more important so deserve better/more) but also infer you are greedy and then compare you to his ex's!!!! You do the correct thing by challenging his behaviour so he punishes you by ending the call!!!!

You have done nothing wrong and he has shown a glimpse of his true self

He's making you feel like shit and it's only been 6 months! This is a huge red flag and he will only get worse. Get rid is my advice.

Who is this?
Is your reply...
Imo..

@Windyatthebeach Ha!

I caved and replied that my day had not been good as I had been upset and had not slept. Said I wasn’t sure why I had the silent treatment today. Will see what he comes back with. Not keen on making any big decisions on this when I’m so tired.

You are so tired because of him though

Why would you basically tell him that his behaviour had the desired affect?

I mean...its like saying 'hey lion, I'm upset that you are a lion and have chewed my leg off. But here's another leg. Dont eat it'.

He isnt making you happy. Relationships shouldnt be stressful. Might be wise to get shot.

You are playing easy shots back to him. What response do you expect? You've not told him off. You have told him you believe there can be good reasons why you may deserve the silent treatment.

Message him again with something that can have a good outcome, like tell him that you want him to promise to stop mentioning his exes and directly ask if he is willing to do so.

Re the portions: it’s the 21st century and men aren’t routinely out digging ditches, going down mines and otherwise doing jobs requiring lots of calories. Re: the comment - dickish but not the end of the world in itself unless he knows you’ve historic issues with food, then it’s crashingly tactless at the very best. Doing anything other than saying sorry afterwards unreservedly is worrying. Keep a watch, OP. If you get other signs of negging it might be time to reconsider. Having to be at a distance right now may be a good opportunity to keep a slightly more dispassionate eye on him!