Am I being too sensitive?

[Lockdownbody]

I am early 40s and a normal weight. I have a history of eating disorder when I was late teens/early 20s but it never needed treatment and resolved. Because of this I have made a conscious decision over the years never to diet as I know how easy it is for the old unhealthy thinking patterns to come back. Other than the normal body consciousness lots of woman have, I give my history very little thought. I usually eat pretty healthily and exercise moderately on a regular basis. During lockdown this has been more difficult for practical reasons and I may have gained a few pounds.

I have a fairly new relationship of 6 months. It has all been going very well and we have been having regular video call dates during lockdown which are usually lots of fun. Last night on a video chat he admired my boobs and I made the mistake of saying they were bigger because I had recently gained weight. He then mentioned that when we have eaten together and I prepare the meals he is not used to only getting 50% of the portion. (He does exercise intensively and regularly and gets hungry.) He said that no previous partner had ever served him up a similar measure to herself, she had always given him the larger share. I found this very hurtful as the implication was I was more greedy than previous girlfriends. Most meals I prepare have been ready meals rather than home cooked so portions are aimed for two people. If I sacrificed my portion so he could eat more I think I would end up hungry. I know I am sensitive due to my old body image issues but I told him I found this a bit upsetting and said he is welcome to fill up on other food as he knows I would always have bread/snacks available. Indeed I have always checked if he is hungry and offered more food.

It has left me feeling quite sad and insecure, not to mention disappointed as I thought I had met someone who fancied me and wasn’t needing to compare me to previous relationships. I have mentioned it hurt me but he ended the call and he has told me that I took it out of context. I have been emotionally abused in previous relationships and am keen not to be denigrated yet again. How do I balance trying to be laid back about possibly slightly thoughtless comments from a boyfriend with also maintaining boundaries around being respected and not criticised?

Wow that was a lot of typos!

OP I don’t think he’s the nice guy you thought he was. What you are describing is behaviour which is starting to try to control you and undermine your confidence. He’s punishing you this morning isn’t he? Personally I’d walk away from this right now. It will only get worse

And there's two more red flags - jealousy disguised as insecurities and double standards. Doesn't have an issue with mentioning his exs, but can't deal with you doing the same.

I just wonder if there are any men out there who don’t go in for this pattern of behaviour. I’m so picky when going on dates but always seem to end up in relationships where I feel bad. Which is why I wonder whether it’s me not them. Do most women just accept this type of thing?

Have you done the Freedom Programme?

I don't think most men are like this, and relationships shouldn't end up making you feel bad.

I am a little torn.

He could have said something totally innocent; been complimenting your appetite and then miffed that yet again you took it the wrong way and he had to tiptoe around your sensitivities. My sister eats like an absolute horse, total junk fiend and is built like a catwalk model. Boyfriends have always commented and joked about it. It has never been seen or received as a negative.

On the other hand, your read might be totally accurate. The huff because he was being ignored while you were waiting for your kids is much more concerning imo.

It is hard with just these two examples. What is the rest of your relationship like?

How are you picky? On paper? Cos the perfect guy on a date, can be a bastard in a relationship. You might be picky about dates, but you need to be just as picky about continuing, or staying in, relationships.

You need strong boundaries and an awareness of red flags, and a zero tolerance when they wave. One big obvious red flag and you're out. Three small subtle red flags/strikes that you're not sure about (or persuade yourself you're not sure about) and they're out. No rationalizing, no minimalising, no excusing cos they're otherwise 'great'.

You'll find women who don't accept this 'type of thing' do date these men. The difference is they don't stay around long enough to get into actua relationships with them. They move on without the heartache because they don't stay long enough to get emotionally invested. And thus give themselves the opportunities to meet normal none red flag waving men.

@Sickandscared It’s generally very good. We get on well and have a laugh. He has bought me flowers, helped me out in practical ways and most importantly been emotionally available, often telling me he loves and fancies me. I do have to be careful not to offend him and he doesn’t like it if I mention other men but I suppose you could say the same about me from last night. It’s so difficult as I always think I have high standards and don’t take any shit but I want to balance that with being realistic that no relationship is perfect.

@category12 no I’ve not done the freedom program. What does it involve?

@Thingsdogetbetter I try to listen to my instincts. I dated lots of men Last summer who were perfect on paper but he was the first one I fancied and wanted a relationship with. I try to be aware of red flags but think I’m guilty of minimising them as I’ve invested so much in the relationship now. But in the other hand I don’t want to overreact as no one is perfect.

He is allowed to directly compare you to his ex girlfriends and gets in a strop if you say "oh I went to ABC with ex once"?

He sulks for attention when your children are being withheld from you?

This is not an imperfect man, he is training you to not mention certain things or have anyone else front and centre at all times.

You won't ever pass training though, he will add more and more things.
If you message him today with an apology, an explanation, any type of justification then in his mind ignoring you works.

There does seem something off about this I agree. Its a really old fashioned view that men should have the bigger share, the majority of guys Ive dated have been smaller than me so why do they need more? Also him ending the call and refusing to talk about it with you is an indication of how he deals with issues, not good!

I think you should follow your instincts OP. As I said it's hard to know from the limited information but if it's making you feel uncomfortable then it's valid.

I do remember a man remarking on my appetite on our first dinner date. I don't have a particularly large appetite. We had got a starter to share and I was putting some on my plate. I barely had one spoonful on when he said "you really love your food don't you?" Hard to explain but it was said with an unpleasant judgemental undertone and I decided not to see him again.

So really i would say trust your own judgement here.

I won’t be messaging him first. I did send this text after our call last night:

It’s a shame our call ended as is did. I felt quite criticised at what is a vulnerable time. It didn’t feel nice to be compared to previous girlfriends/partners and I didn’t appreciate being hung up on when I was clearly hurt. I would much rather discuss issues and resolve them rather than going to bed feeling shit.

He replied:

I was winding the call up but didn't actually mean to cut it at that precise moment. The rest of the conversation was taken complete out of context plain and simply. I was saying one thing but you were hearing something entirely different. There was no attack. No need to be defensive. I love you.

I then texted:

I love you too. But found the way it came across quite hurtful although I accept you didn’t mean it that way. Let’s talk tomorrow.

And then silence today...

I do have to be careful not to offend him And there is your biggest 🚩, Id be ending it now.

So he accidentally hung up on you? And didn't call back? I've cut people off and phoned back immediately just to say goodbye. Let alone in the middle of am emotional discuss!

Then he didn't try to explain what he says he meant, just that you got it wrong? And are defensive. But you just accepted you were wrong, without him even telling you what he did meant?

Hangs up accidentally.
Says hurtful things but doesn't mean them that way.
You misunderstand him.
You're defensive.
He decides that contact ends despite you clearly being upset.

An emotional discussion...

He could have said "could I have a bigger portion, please?"

Instead, he chose to make it about how much you're eating. 'You need to give me some of your portion' - wtf?

Also, if you're tiptoeing around him and trying not to offend him, this is never going to be a healthy relationship.

I hate hate hate the concept that men should get more food than women just because they are men. And I find that anybody who has that attitude is generally also sexist to some degree. If he’s still hungry he should find more to eat, not take from you. And he shouldn’t expect you to be a mind reader. And he definitely shouldn’t have raised it immediately following a comment you make on your weight. I would be very annoyed too OP.

I didn’t want an argument at 1am so thought as he didn’t want to discuss it further it was maybe just left until today. But here I am completely exhausted as I didn’t sleep and waiting on his message.

He didn't accidentally hang up..
You were being punished..
Silence today - more punishment..
End it today op.
I met a new bf when I had dc - in 8 years he has never ever put me down..

l was winding the call up but didn't actually mean to cut it at that precise moment. The rest of the conversation was taken complete out of context plain and simply. I was saying one thing but you were hearing something entirely different. There was no attack. No need to be defensive.

Oh look

It’s all your fault

What a surprise

“I do have to be careful not to offend him and he doesn’t like it if I mention other men”

As @JKScot4 said, that is a huge red flag, in amongst a lot of other smaller ones.
Quite frankly, I’d chuck this one back.

I don’t see it h
As him telling you you’re greedy at all. It’s likely. He eats more than you, perhaps rather than thinking that you’re greedy he’s thinking that you don’t cook very much...

My DP eats far more than me as does DS.If I only cooked enough that we could have equal portions it wouldn’t occur to me that one of them mentioning they were still hungry was a dig at my weight or my greed.

You can take control, though. You don't need to feel like this, not sleeping, anxious, sad. That is no life. See this situation as a gift, dump him so you can have an opportunity to meet someone that deserves your love.