A little suspicious - any knowledgeable WhatsApp users around?

[Butteredtoastandcoffee]

Changed username for this.

I think DH might be blocking and unblocking me on WhatsApp.

He works away midweek. I noticed randomly a while ago that his profile pic on WhatsApp had changed to nothing. Before it had been a pic of us all.

Then noticed on sons phone a while later (he was showing me messages) it was a pic of the kids.

I didn't think much of it. Then I was whatsapping someone and his pic was of the kids on mine too. Basically thought I must have been mistaken and promptly forgot all about it. We very rarely WhatsApp each other, we mainly use iMessage but he uses WhatsApp with the kids and other family/friends. I use it for the kids and workmates mainly.

Fast forward to last night. Was on WhatsApp and saw the picture of the kids. He is quite high up on my chats list.

For some reason I screenshot it. Then this morning, went to WhatsApp my sister and the pic is back to nothing again. It's of the kids on my sons!

I WhatsApped a message and it's just got one tick and has for ages. But on a group kids chat we are on it went to two straight away for him when I messaged this morning.

This is just weird!

It can't be that he wants to hide his last online as he has that set so nobody sees that anyway. He wouldn't need to block me for that.

Any ideas as to why?

I know the right thing to do is ask. I don't really want to do that right now.

[backseatcookers]

What he is saying is ‘i hate you because you know I’m lying again’

This. So so so much this.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Our posts crossed buttered toast.. he's got more to say for himself than I realised. None of it good. He wants out and wants you to do it/do it when it's convenient for him. Poor you x
Grab some control back and be the dumper not dumpee - make it on your terms. He's met someone else and is justifying it to himself.
The only thing that matters is YOU. What do you want? He's not trustworthy so please don't say him. What would be your best outcome split wise?

[Iloveme30]

Have you considered he's a narcissist? Honestly his replies to you and his unapologetic behavior , gaslighting etc point to him being narcissistic. They are also very entitled people and are compulsive cheaters , he won't ever be truthful to you they won't accept responsibility. In the nicest possible way you need to stop melting your own head you don't deserve this shitty behavior

[theyarereallytakingthepissnow]

That's a lot of effort to go to each time, who could be bothered if nothing to hide ?

However, life isn't always easier or nicer if you call it quits. I'd really push for trying to sort things out, relationship counselling maybe, to try to get back to where you both loved and adored each other if at all possible.

[Threeflyingducks]

Op he sounds like a manager at a company I work for who got fired because his emails started being caught in the updated filter. After this happened a few times it turned out he'd been writing swear words at the bottom of his emails and changing the font to white. Presumably he got a little kick out of his secret mocking, though it obviously backfired. He was very senior and I remember at the time thinking he felt we (and the job?) were all beneath him for him to enjoy doing something like that.

I'd go against the grain and say he's not neccessarily cheating, but that he's childish and he's resentful & hanging his blame on you. I don't think that's a relationship dynamic you can come back from.

[MsMeNz]

Sounds like two different phones one a count, settings slightly different i.e. the pics. Names wouldn't change. I think if you try and go into the chat settings and look at the phone number it may show differently when each pic is showing but I might be wrong. Either way sounds dodgy. I'd guess he has another phone which would indicate... Well you know.

[Sweetandawfulsour]

Have you looked at his phones wallet? You can go into recent Apple Pay transactions etc. Just stumbled across mine and thought maybe it would be worth you having a cheeky look?

So sorry you’re in this situation with such an arse. The mind boggles!

[Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal]

So sorry OP he sounds awful. I think you know you have to end it.

[ballyboy]

Wow OP, I don't know what to say...he sounds awful. Really hope you get some concrete evidence soon. This would drive you mad

[Snowman123]

Other than his story the only reason I think he would block you is if he didn't want you to see him online.
Possibly things have moved on, but I would have used another phone and/or SIM to see if he was spending long periods of time online when you were blocked.
If he was I call foul play.

[Friendsofmine]

How are you doing OP?

I meant to recommend too good to leave too bad to stay by Beverley Stone.

[Rollergirl11]

Yes, how are you OP? Have you thought anymore on what you’re going to do? Did DH stay away this weekend?

[Velvian]

His story doesn't make sense. You only checked up on him this time due to him repeatedly blocking you. He didn't block you because you were checking up on him, it was the other way round.

Hope you are OK, OP. You don't deserve to be treated with so little respect. It sounds like he is not around very much anyway. Maybe you would feel much better if you did have to spend the whole time wondering the extent to which you are being taken for a mug.

[Butteredtoastandcoffee]

Thanks all.

Struggling a bit. Yes he stayed away. Just feel a bit low. Sure I will be okay in a day or so.

[Gutterton]

It’s good to have some space “emotional detox” - you have some uncomfortable feelings to process which will bring clarity in time. Just pay attention to your feelings.

Have you been in contact with him? Will he be back next weekend?

What is you hunch is going on?

[Butteredtoastandcoffee]

Thanks @Gutterton

I don't have a hunch. I feel I have totally lost touch with my ability to work out what is going on.

There has been such drama for so long. I feel I need to stop denying what is happening in front of me. He is either cheating or really doesn't give a shit.

Either way is not good. What is shocking to me is how I got here.

I find that I am quite a reactive person and I'm just letting this unfold.

I need to sit with what I feel and then work out what to do. Not fight to get back to normal and then push the resultant feelings aside (standard for me).

[Onesmallstep67]

@Butteredtoastandcoffee, you have found yourself in a deeply difficult situation during a time which is also deeply unsettling. I'm not surprised that you are feeling unsure of your feelings or what the next move should be. What has he said are his feelings about what's happened? It's easy for us outside of the situation to comment but this is your life, marriage, children and home. It seems to me that you and your DH need to have a calm and honest conversation about how you have ended up where you are and what both of you want now.

[Butteredtoastandcoffee]

@Onesmallstep67 I've instigated that this morning.

He wants to leave. I'm sure of it and have said as such.

[Onesmallstep67]

@Butteredtoastandcoffee, that's going to be a difficult conversation but one that has to be had. Try to keep a clear head. Is this going to be a phone call? If he says he wants to leave then hear him out and listen to what he has to say about how he sees things with your DC, the house etc. You can then process your thoughts and feelings about things afterwards. Good luck.

[Butteredtoastandcoffee]

@Onesmallstep67 Yes I've asked him to call. Text messages aren't really appropriate and it will just drag on.

He's made little to no effort this week. He clearly doesn't give a shit/value me.

[Buggedandconfused]

This is going to be difficult in the short term OP, but life WILL be so much better soon. The freedom and liberation from the awful gut clenching suspicion and hypervigilance this man has created will blow your mind. Be strong, it’ll take a while for the fog to clear but happiness and peace is just around the corner.

Leave him to his toxic, unhealthy patterns. Your life will be great. 💐

[Gutterton]

I think that you are actually in the best mindset that you can possibly be right now:

I feel I have totally lost touch with my ability to work out what is going on.

You are actually the opposite of this. You don’t know specific details because he is being obtuse and opaque. BUT you do know what’s going on emotionally - you sensed a shift in his behaviour - you looked closer and it became clear there was an issue with him - he is either randomly punishing you or you have caught him out. He may well have stopped what he was up to but is now furious with you for that.

There has been such drama for so long.
Is this over and above the stuff since Jan?

I feel I need to stop denying what is happening in front of me. He is either cheating or really doesn't give a shit.

You are not denying it. You are trying to process a shocking realisation which will have massive life altering consequences. It takes time to come to terms with your trust and deep core beliefs being shattered and gaslit.

Either way is not good. What is shocking to me is how I got here.

Why blame yourself - you just gave someone another chance doing the best for your DCs.

I find that I am quite a reactive person and I'm just letting this unfold.

I need to sit with what I feel and then work out what to do. Not fight to get back to normal and then push the resultant feelings aside (standard for me).

This is exactly how to cope. Listen to you own feelings they are your truth - not how he spins some psycho drama of spite, lies and chaos.

[Butteredtoastandcoffee]

You know what worries me?

That it is me. That I'm to blame.

Have you ever read those threads in relationships where the OO is posting about little sex/intimacy and everyone says how awful it is and they should get out?

I feel that's the sort of thread he would post.

I want us to be emotionally close/much more intimate but there is more in it for me.

I have the kids all week alone, a very stressful job, dealing with his quite visible resentment that we aren't swinging from the light shade and various other issues, issues from the past.

This makes me worry. That it's me. I'm to blame for all this.

Then I cop onto myself and realise I can't be. And on and on it goes.

He treat me terribly years ago. Really terribly. When I was at my most vulnerable. Two young kids, miles from family, no job. I feel like I've clawed myself back to a good position and still feel like shit/am dealing with shit.

What a mess!

[Butteredtoastandcoffee]

*OP

[Butteredtoastandcoffee]

He visibly sighs almost if I bring up the past as it was so long ago and he's a different person now.

I pointed out that blocking me on WhatsApp is not evidence of different behaviours!