A little suspicious - any knowledgeable WhatsApp users around?

[Butteredtoastandcoffee]

Changed username for this.

I think DH might be blocking and unblocking me on WhatsApp.

He works away midweek. I noticed randomly a while ago that his profile pic on WhatsApp had changed to nothing. Before it had been a pic of us all.

Then noticed on sons phone a while later (he was showing me messages) it was a pic of the kids.

I didn't think much of it. Then I was whatsapping someone and his pic was of the kids on mine too. Basically thought I must have been mistaken and promptly forgot all about it. We very rarely WhatsApp each other, we mainly use iMessage but he uses WhatsApp with the kids and other family/friends. I use it for the kids and workmates mainly.

Fast forward to last night. Was on WhatsApp and saw the picture of the kids. He is quite high up on my chats list.

For some reason I screenshot it. Then this morning, went to WhatsApp my sister and the pic is back to nothing again. It's of the kids on my sons!

I WhatsApped a message and it's just got one tick and has for ages. But on a group kids chat we are on it went to two straight away for him when I messaged this morning.

This is just weird!

It can't be that he wants to hide his last online as he has that set so nobody sees that anyway. He wouldn't need to block me for that.

Any ideas as to why?

I know the right thing to do is ask. I don't really want to do that right now.

He said he has an underlying frustration and anger towards me.

It sounds as if he doesn't really want to be with you I'm sorry to say
You deserve better

He lies.
Imo...

So what this sets up is you always being in the wrong, because whenever he behaves like a twat, it'll be your fault for checking his phone that one time last February.

Go and read some of the chumplady.com site. Lots of people in this position who got themselves out of it. Might be helpful.

That’s a really horrible thing of him to say about the underlying anger. And you also don’t want him to be playing power games with you, even if that is the reason for the blocking and unblocking. What’s he been like since Christmas?

Of course he has underlying anger towards you.

He wants to be able to flirt, cheat etc and keep his outward perception of marriage and the comforts and status it brings compared to the status of being a divorced scumbag. He wants his cake and all...

He is angry at himself. He is angry at you for making it hard for him to have his cake and eat it.

There is no fuck you moment for good people who make a shitty mistake and spend the rest of their marriage trying to make their partner feel safe again. Instead of fuck you good people who fuck up seek counselling, read up on how to be better partners, talk to their spouse about their feelings....

You know enough now OP. He only cares about himself. He was willing to cause you distress to regain control (at best! at worst is cheating!).

Agree with above. He’s manipulating you so that he can do what the fuck he likes. So what if you’ve looked at his phone - he has form for deceit!! This is classic behaviour from a manipulative cheater. He’s been very clever to make YOU feel bad for doubting him. Where’s the ‘I’m so sorry that my actions have made you feel like this’ where’s the ‘I’ve seen you online on WhatsApp, I just want to reassure you I’m not talking to anyone, I love you and I’m sorry my past actions have made you doubt me’ - where’s the fucking sorry? He’s making YOU feel like you should apologise!!! My ex did this all the time, it’s a trait of a narcissist too.
Not only that but he says he feels anger and frustration towards you? Clever bastard he thinks he is turning it all onto you.

Read ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft. I’m betting you will recognise him as one if the abusive men she writes about.

I call bullshit op but I think you're aware he's telling you lies again

I know you are all right. On all fronts.

@Friendsofmine the comment about him being willing to cause me distress (at best) cheating (at worst) to regain control is exactly how I feel.

Why the fuck would he want to do that.

I've read Lundy Bancroft. Can't quite place him. Player maybe but not to the extreme?

Ask him why he would do that... ask him why would he treat someone he’s supposed to love with such distain.

I never want to be in a relationship like the one I had with my ex ever again. It took me a long time to extract myself and I kept going back. Now I just feel peace and look back and wonder why I did that to myself. No man is worth it.

He was on to you checking and thought of this chestnut in advance. Anyone normal would have said ‘you seem to be checking my WhatsApp status, is there anything bothering you’ . They don’t just ‘block’

I was in a similar position with my narc XH. I waited and waited trying to find evidence, I got some in the end - tip of the iceberg I expect, but drove myself crazy trying to find concrete proof. My mum had offered to pay for a PI, but it wouldn't have been worth the cost. The marriage was dead long before - there was no trust as he lied about everything, no love or even affection (I couldn't even bear to look at him and he made my skin crawl when he tried to touch me), we weren't friends and I didn't like the person he had become. He also tried to put all the blame on me - lied, minimised, projected and gas lighted.

It took a bit longer to accept that it was over, and bravery to get over the hurdle of saying it out loud to him, but from then on it got easier - in spite of all the crap he threw at me throughout the divorce. Don't regret it for a second, it just took time to get to acceptance and action.

I hope you can work things out OP, one way or the other. Do you have anyone to talk to IRL that may be able to help?

Wow.

That’s quite spectacular manipulation.

KNOW that he is lying and has cheated / used sex workers / online porn, whatever.

You just don’t have the proof and don’t give him the pleasure of laughing his socks off watching you get distracted searching.

You don’t need proof of cheating.

You have all the proof you need of abuse and utter contempt of you. That’s more than enough to be moving on with.

He is punishing you. Classic abuser DARVO tactic. Bancrofts first line is that most are a blend of different traits of the different styles. Like a menu. He’s A la Carte.

So he cheated - you stayed on the basis of transparency - you exercised your agreed right given his historic form and the suspect behaviours. Perfectly reasonable. But some how YOU are to blame. He is angry because he has been caught - caught being an abusive gaslighting, angry, punishing, manipulative wanker - that’s enough.

But you know there is more. Save your dignity. Sorry this has happened - you gave him your best - repeatedly. You could do no more.

Get an STI check. Seek support from friends and family.

I am so sorry OP, he has been caught and his reaction is textbook.

This is the problem when someone cheats or demonstrates shity behaviour.. you just never fully trust them again and are always looking to see and analyse everything...it gets exhausting. It just erodes what you had and is no way to live.

The only reason he was blocking you is because he was communicating with someone he didn't want you to know about.

When my DH is away...it wouldn't even occur to me to check his online status and if he was, I wouldn't think to question...because I could be on WhatsApp in the early hours myself.

You've had the stress of all this in the middle of a global pandemic...this isn't how married life should be.

Classic deflection.

Can I just be clear. He isn't upset I check his WhatsApp status as I actually don't.

He said he is upset that I check his phone. So blocked me on WhatsApp in some kind of weird retaliation.

Yes I know it's bollocks.

Oh yeah right.......did he clarify 5 years ago that the “transparency” was so nuanced on various digital formats.....

@Gutterton

No. I don't believe it. But wanted to clarify he isn't blocking me on WhatsApp as I can see him on there. He's blocking me on WhatsApp as I check his phone and I shouldn't need to by now.

He said he has an underlying frustration and anger towards me

Tell him to fuck off then.

What a load of shit. A real insult to your intelligence. Contemptuous, as a PP said.

This relationship is dead.

I'm sorry OP. He is a lying twat.

Yeah...the guy's lying. No one but an idiot plays power games like that with someone they're married too. Especially when he knows you don't use that app often. He'd block you on everything if that was the case. Don't let him turn this on you.

To be honest, if he is frustrated and angry towards you then I think it's time to walk away. He resents you for your behaviour that he caused himself by his past actions and you now resent him for his failure to allay your concerns.

He is deflecting the issue back on to you. By saying it's because you're a snoop, he hopes to shame you into being quiet and not pushing the line of investigation further. I'm sure over those 5 years he has become very adept at clearing his phone of any evidence, especially if he knows you're looking.