A little suspicious - any knowledgeable WhatsApp users around?

[Butteredtoastandcoffee]

Changed username for this.

I think DH might be blocking and unblocking me on WhatsApp.

He works away midweek. I noticed randomly a while ago that his profile pic on WhatsApp had changed to nothing. Before it had been a pic of us all.

Then noticed on sons phone a while later (he was showing me messages) it was a pic of the kids.

I didn't think much of it. Then I was whatsapping someone and his pic was of the kids on mine too. Basically thought I must have been mistaken and promptly forgot all about it. We very rarely WhatsApp each other, we mainly use iMessage but he uses WhatsApp with the kids and other family/friends. I use it for the kids and workmates mainly.

Fast forward to last night. Was on WhatsApp and saw the picture of the kids. He is quite high up on my chats list.

For some reason I screenshot it. Then this morning, went to WhatsApp my sister and the pic is back to nothing again. It's of the kids on my sons!

I WhatsApped a message and it's just got one tick and has for ages. But on a group kids chat we are on it went to two straight away for him when I messaged this morning.

This is just weird!

It can't be that he wants to hide his last online as he has that set so nobody sees that anyway. He wouldn't need to block me for that.

Any ideas as to why?

I know the right thing to do is ask. I don't really want to do that right now.

[Iloveme30]

Sorry you haven't come back
I've been watching this thread with interest ...
you are better than this I have been there it won't get better he's a bullshitter .
For fuck sake ( apologies for cursing ) truly
But come on girl
He's already done too much , don't you see that ?
It enrages me that they get away with this bullshit
I believe there is a turning point in a relationship and you will know it just like you have been shown . It will be in your gut . Like it is , you know he's hiding something
Why us women put up with this is beyond me , I'm not judging I just know this pain and never will I ever let it happen again .
If hes been in contact with someone it's already over he doesn't respect or love you enough ..
you are enough he's a loser
I'm ranting but it's so obvious
Sorry I really don't mean to hurt anyone but if he's looking in any way there's no coming back from that .
It's broken don't try fix it
If someone shows you their colors don't try repaint them
Obviously I have gone through this it was 15 years ago and now I'm so thrilled I was strong and kicked his ass to the kerb
Trust in life , what's for you won't pass you by
He's not for you , if he was he wouldn't block you
Full stop .
End of
Much thoughts and love to you
There is a beautiful life to be had after a dickhead
My dh isn't perfect by no means but he would never make me feel like that . My first hubby was a game player
Run don't walk life's too short
You already know

[Flittingabout]

OP was reading the book recommended and thinking things through.

[sergeilavrov]

I think it’s more likely he is trying to change his picture to speak to someone who doesn’t know or want to reminded of his marital status - hence it changes to the children. He doesn’t want you to know the change, and so blocks you on there. Otherwise he’d just turn off last seen/online status. I’m sorry, OP

[TheUnquestionedAnswer]

Did OP never come back?

[NoMoreDickheads]

dealing with his quite visible resentment that we aren't swinging from the light shade

That would probably put him in the bin for me in and of itself. What is it that he does to demonstrate his resentment?

As if anyone would want to shag someone who treats them and talks to them like this.

This makes me worry. That it's me. I'm to blame for all this. Then I cop onto myself and realise I can't be. And on and on it goes.

I'm glad you realize it isn't you.

He treat me terribly years ago. Really terribly. When I was at my most vulnerable. Two young kids, miles from family, no job. I feel like I've clawed myself back to a good position and still feel like shit/am dealing with shit.

Make the first move and dump him yourself. You'll feel better for it.

[Rollergirl11]

Hey OP, just wondering how things are with you? Have you and DH had a chance to work out what you both want?

[Iloveme30]

Please tell me you haven't caved in to his bullshit . Come back he's gaslighting you .
Here if you need to vent

[LiteraryType]

Hope you are ok op. Is he coming home this weekend? Hope you can sort stuff out.

[ToastedHaMSandwich]

It's not your fault. A relationship needs to people working together to make it strong. One cannot do it alone. He's not giving you the strength, trust, commitment and ensuring you feel cherished by his actions and words.

When he comes home at weekends what does he do for you. How does he demonstrate he's been thinking of you all week?

It is not your fault.

[ilovemydogandmrobama2]

Once, rather awkwardly I had a meltdown at work, not about DH, but a boyfriend at the time, and my boss who was lovely and married for something like 40 years said to me, 'trust is something you have or you don't...'

Not sure he was referring to me, and I loved the simplicity of the message.

[Friendsofmine]

I'm glad you ordered the book we recommended.

You are doing great. It's not you it's him. He hasn't put in the work to heal your marriage. Simple.

In time you will pick up the emotional fragments that are telling you this marriage is shit and put them with thoughts and it will all slot together so you feel ready to leave. I'm certain a better future awaits you when you are ready for it.

[Wallywobbles]

He's making it your fault deliberately IMO. Just decide to own the decision to end it and move on. It can be empowering. No ones happy and having fun currently so just stop. Find a good way to share kids, assets and let it go and the anguish it causes you both. Good luck.

[Spillinteas]

He is being passive now so you make the decisions. Then if you choose to stay you will in subconsciously tell yourself to get over it and ignore it.

Then when it happens again you will probably let it pass because you can’t be arsed with the whole thing. That’s how it gets you.

Read the book. I was about a quarter in when a light bulb went on, half way through I knew for sure I wanted to split by the end I was looking forward into it. It may change your mind set completely.

The best thing for me leaving was I knew everything about my life was real. No more suspicion, self debt. It was liberating

[Mnthrowaway20202]

This relationship sounds like it’s over

[Daftapath]

He may not want to leave but do you want him to stay?

It's not all about what he wants

[Butteredtoastandcoffee]

He said he hadn't said he wanted to leave during this whole thing.

I said his actions hadn't really demonstrated a fight to convince me otherwise.

He said he wasn't engaging in conversations where I am rude. I had called him immature, childish, acting like a twat etc to be fair. But....he was. I was angry. He's not great at anyone being angry at him.

[Butteredtoastandcoffee]

Thankyou.

Lots to think about. He rang earlier. He doesn't want to leave. It's me that thinks that apparently.

I've ordered that book. Also currently reading six pillars of self esteem.

Something is shifting. I could just accept his words - I would have done before. But I'm not sure.

Another thread on here terrifies me. There's a poor lady so dragged down by her husband affairs. I'm terrified I will end up like that.

A poster said (to the other OP) whilst you are with this man, you are not able to be fully there for your children. I adore my kids (like we all do). I felt sick when I read that.

[Gutterton]

Yes baytreelane has rumbled him - if his aim was under the radar passive aggressive retaliation - why did he answer your calls and texts - surely that would have given him the nasty thrill he was after.

Also it’s a massive leap (or maybe not) from him rationalising some petty passive aggressive behaviours to wanting to end your marriage a week later - or is that one of his standard bullying tactics he pulls out every so often?

[Spillinteas]

Butteredtoastandcoffee if I could hug you I would. I want you to know this isn’t all your fault.

This is so so similar to a situation I was in. Ex was secretive and told lies. There were a couple of huge whoppers that shook me to the core, but we worked through it but it killed my trust in him. And if I ever brought it up because it was relevant to that situation - I’d get the eye rolling too. Then all of a sudden the big whopping lie wasn’t so bad and I just needed to get over it, he’d stopped giving a shit.

That affected my sex drive plus two small children and then apparently our relationship was a mess because I didn’t have sex with him any more. For him it was that basic,

He sounds like he is ready to spilt but let it roll out. I read a book called too good to leave too good to stay and honestly it was a game changer for me. It ripped the plaster off and shown me that actually I would never be happy and satisfied with this relationship.

That’s when I started getting my shit together to see that actually is splitting was for the best.

This feeling is only temporary. I read a statistic of something like 42% of people get divorced/separate.

You and I are not the only people to be going /gone through this.

Please don’t let him get you so confused that don’t know what’s real and what’s not

[baytreelane]

The excuse he's given is a red herring and you seem to have accepted that. Seriously, it takes a lot of effort to continuously block and block someone every few hours or days just for self gratification, especially when he's then conversing with you via text or call. What would be the bloody point. There is more to this and if he has form then I'm sure you are all aware of capabilities!

[rowrowrowyaboat]

Hes cheating. Probs on dating/sexsites. You deserve so much better than this regardless, your going to drive yourself mad overthinking everything, you need to end it for your own sanity.....and happiness.

[C0RA]

So he’s away all week while you work and bring up the kids alone. Then he comes home at weekends and is angry and resentful and you have to force yourself to have crap sex with him.

I don’t really see the point of him TBH. If you divorced you would get two weekends a month free from the kids to relax and go out. And every other weekend with the kids free from his anger and resentment .

The kids would get more time with him as he would actually have to parent them on his weekends. They wouldn’t really miss him as he’s away all week now anyway.

I can’t see why you want to keep him TBH. And if the problem is just you then he will be glad to get away from you. It’s win win.

[Calyx72]

Butteredtoastandcoffee, aww I am sorry you are blaming yourself and feeling bad. I know how it feels. I wanted to say though, that doesn't matter. You had / have valid reasons not to have been 'swinging from the ceiling' () and so on with him.

Step away from the guilt and be assertive would be my advice. At the advice of a counsellor (free through my work) I found online resources on assertiveness and took my boundaries and remaining self respect and self esteem and told exh to leave. Best thing I ever did.

I have lurked through your whole thread and hope you are away from this waste of your energy soon

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Just try and stay on topic with him. I think he wants out and I think you should discuss whether what you each want is compatible. First you need to work out how much both of you want to be together. And you need to know if there's anything he's doing now that were you to find out about it later would blow you apart (hint, there is).

He (apparently) wants sex and intimacy. You want someone to share the load so you can feel free to be more of a lover than a mum/his slave. This is often what therapy together is designed to address - so you are both heard.

But he cheated and you're not over it because he didn't address it properly. And is almost certainly doing something now - and that's the sticking point. Obviously he's not going to admit it. But you (rightly) don't trust him and he (wrongly) is pissed off with that.

So say you both draw a line under it, he becomes a better husband, you a better wife, is what's left ok? Are you then able to deal with finding out he was cheating? Or are you able to put it to one side and say it doesn't matter?

I think my very first post to you was suggesting you have an honest, calm conversation about how you both really feel, and how you move forward apart (if need be) and co parent without conflict. He resents you, you don't trust him, he's miserable, you're miserable.

He's not going to give you any ammo by admitting anything and I think you have to assume you will never know and act on what is actually happening and whether you want this future.

Even if you do reconnect sexually and he gives her/them up (coronavirus has probably ensured that he has at least till now) it will always be there won't it? He'll be nasty because he feels guilty and wants to make it your fault so it's not his fault.

He doesnt want to lose his kids and half 'his' money. He doesn't want to come back to a one bed flat and cooking for himself. So unless you say/do something he don't leave till the kids are older and he's met someone he wants to live with/marry.

[Butteredtoastandcoffee]

He visibly sighs almost if I bring up the past as it was so long ago and he's a different person now.

I pointed out that blocking me on WhatsApp is not evidence of different behaviours!