But we took you to Stately Homes - May 2020 onwards thread

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It's May 2020, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
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April 2010
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March 2011
November 2011
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November-December 2019

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Living

It is easy for me to write this but I would urge you to forgive yourself here and now. You feel remorse here re hitting your son, your mother likely never felt that feeling at all. He is and will be ok as will you.

You have two qualities that your mother lacks; empathy and insight. The fear of turning into your mother is a groundless but its can feel real; you are a separate person to your mother and you are not her. You will in all likelihood never hurt your son physically again. Your mother made choices and presumably used you as the scapegoat for all her inherent ills. You do not treat your son like that and you love each other in an emotionally healthy way.

How else can you be helped here?.

@Porcelin, some of your childhood resonates with me. I am on the assessment pathway myself for ADHD and ASD - this came about since my two middle children received their ADHD diagnosis and one is suspected ASD, combined with a long term diagnosis of PND.

As a child I felt the brunt of my parents ire but not to the extremes you did. It is interesting what you say about not being badly behaved but maybe having some odd behaviours and being different as that is where I really resonate with what you are saying.

When it comes to our own kids and their differences, or challenges, I think our parents revert back to how they dealt with us in our childhood because that is what they know. And to admit that our kids might find things tough because of ASD/ADHD means they have to admit that they might have failed us as well. Father cannot deal with my eldest son's diagnosis because the two of them are very alike and it would mean he would have to confront a lot of truths about himself, and listen to DH and I when we would tell him to leave DS1 and he would be fine (instead father would keep on and on and on at him). Our being NC and not letting them see the grandchildren is as much about protecting our kids from their grandparents unacceptable behaviour as it is me not having to acknowledge it either.

@LivingThatLockdownLife - lockdown is a challenge in itself. I have previously recognised that I can lean towards similar patterns of behaviour to my parents, usually when my children come out with something and it clicks that I felt like that. The difference is that you and I recognise that what we are doing isn't necessarily healthy and can take steps to alter that behaviour and therefore the effect it has on our children.

Of course your friends are only sharing the 'insta-worthy' moments. No one wants to be seen as failing at life but it is only if we can acknowledge that things aren't easy that we can ask for help and move on from perceived failings. 3 year olds can be challenging. They are asserting their own demands, their likes and dislikes. Their ability to communicate is increasing and yet they don't always have the vocabulary to express so tantrums are common. They do things which we react to in an instant out of fear, or sometimes anger, and then we kick ourselves for doing it. This is exactly what you have done.

You are not your mother. You have the benefit of your experience with your parents to guide you to being the parent you want to be, which is not a carbon copy of your own.

Forgive yourself, give your son a hug. Put that fear of turning into your mother away and be the person you know you truly are.

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat
And @minisoksmakehardwork

Thank you for validating I'm a different and separate person to my mother. I find it very difficult to hold onto that when I find myself doing things I remember her doing. The cycle of nice/nasty. Pretending to be the perfect mum in front of everyone else when the wheels are coming off. Lying down and crying in the middle of the day. The house being messy and dusty.

I've worked so hard for so long to overcome the MH issues that nearly ruined my life in my 20s. It feels at times that lockdown is stripping back all progress and I'm back hearing the voice in my head that says I'm worthless, a failure, unloveable, horrible, doomed.

It's not true though and the past is a sad story I don't have to keep reciting to myself.

I'm not her and I am dealing with this differently. For a start I've acknowledged I'm not coping. DH has taken some time off work to have the 3yo. I just have baby to look after so have gone for a long walk. I've also confided in a friend who has responded supportively.

I'm grateful.

Living I can hear how very distressed you are, well done for talking about it, you don’t need to feel alone with this. Find a strategy when you feel like you might hit your son to avoid doing that - walk away, count to ten, take deep breaths.
Talk to your son, tell him that it’s not him or what he’s doing, it’s that you lost your temper and that was wrong and that you’re sorry.
Then forgive yourself, it’s done now.
You’re not your mother.
I think you’re in a really tough place, my heart goes out to you.

Hi @LivingThatLockdownLife - I have to tell myself nearly every day that 'I am not my mother' when I catch myself doing or nearly something she would.

I think with me she trained me from such an early age that I was just an extension of her with no thoughts or feelings of my own. And even though I was desperate to be different and of course am there was still that little voice in my head telling me that I'm just like her.

I'm not and neither are you. You are a better person and a million times better mum.

It’s a recognised effect of living/being brought up by a narc. You emulate characteristics that might have brought you praise.
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/fleas

@LivingThatLockdownLife

I understand how you feel. It's your biggest nightmare to become like your narc mother, yet you can not help but occasionally display some of the behavior that you associate with her. And actually your worst fear is to damage your DC the same way that you were damaged as a child and thus you feel terribly guilty and keep overthinking.

The difference is as others have said, that you have the empathy to realize you were wrong and trying to make things better.
See every day as a new chance to improve yourself. And be kind to yourself also. The more unkind we are to ourselves, the harder it becomes to show kindness to others.

Thank you @Fanthorpe, @yellowlemon and @Honeybee85 .

Bit of an update. I have never done EFT before but did yesterday out of desperation. Followed the video from the daughters of narcissistic mothers site. Actually it seems to have helped. While doing it I had some memories surface and made a connection that part of the reason I snapped and lost control is because the 3yo behaviour set off memories of my mother interrupting me, talking over me, not listening. It sounds petty but she did that to me constantly and I was broken by it. I hadn't felt like that for the longest time. The rage and despair of never being heard and never being able to finish a sentence or train of thought. I mean the woman used to burst in when I was trying to use the toilet for God's sake. Later I had a bath and had a specific memory surface of her making me wash her. It was a repressed memory. She used to do it all the time up to age perhaps 10. It made me feel sick. I talked to DH about it and he validated my feeling, that it was wrong of her to make me do that.

Anyway the point is that the utter rage which made me snap is nothing to do with my 3yo, it is repressed rage bubbling up. I kinda knew that anyway from how totally huge my outbursts have been. It's such a relief to consciously make that connection. Now I don't need to react and do what the rage wants me to do, I have permission to see it for the relic it is and let it go. Yes the behaviour is frustrating and yes I'm under pressure but the deep rage is not caused by anything happening in the present and it doesn't belong here.

Even just making eye contact with the 3yo changes the dynamic. I've noticed (and DH has commented) I avoid eye contact a lot of the time. That's another habit from my childhood, eye contact led to some sort of horrible interaction 9 times out of 10. But I know it's vital for healthy relationships.

While the behaviour was challenging today, I was able to stay present. Bedtime was a disaster from a rule following point of view but from a relationship point of view it was a huge success because the 3yo talked a lot about his thoughts and feelings. We all stayed calm for a change.

A friend has just been matched with a child for adoption and that has made me feel very emotional the past few days. I'm so happy for her but it has made me cry for how hard I'm finding this phase and how much I want to be a better mother.

@LivingThatLockdownLife Amazing post. You should be so proud of yourself.

I don't think many people understand the immensely hard emotional work we all have to do to manage our thoughts and feelings. It can be exhausting, upsetting, and frustrating at times but each time we manage it we've learnt something new and it will be easier and more natural the next time. I really do think some of us are having to relearn behaviours that we should have learnt at a very young age.

Re never being listened to - that used to upset me too so much. If I was with a group of people or in a meeting and I said something that was 'ignored' I would sit their fighting back tears. Of course I wasn't being ignored - they just probably hadn't heard me.

But again, that's because I was never listened to as a child and my mother would actually finish sentences for me (still did as an adult in fact) even though they were completely wrong.

The number of times I used to think I was getting somewhere with my mother, after deciding to try really hard to connect with her, and I’d try and confide in her about something and she’d just sort of disconnect, leave me hanging. She’d just move on to something else. I asked her if she’d heard me a couple of times and she brushed it off, and just moved on.

I’ve saw her doing it to my children as well, and their puzzled looks.

@Fanthorpe Same. After I moved out I used to phone her (good old FOG) and she'd be on the other end playing with the cat, or saying she'd just seen Mrs So and So out of the window. She'd never actually hang up on me or say she had to go. But totally disinterested and disconnected.

Such strange behaviour and yet for years it was all I knew.

Hi @Fanthorpe thanks for replying. I have tired so many times to set boundaries but my parents ignore me. Not sure if they are in the spectrum themselves as the are all about rigid routines ie they have to visit on certain days and get frustrated if you tell them you won’t be in. They then had a spell of turning up when my ds came in from school even though I’ve asked them not to a few times as my ds is always very tense when he gets in from school and we usually have meltdowns. For years I ignored what happened in my childhood as I still wanted some kid of relationship with my parents and so do my children, but they can be exhausting at times. They are so opinionated and always comment on my parenting when they know i often doubt myself anyway.

It’s really hard to resist giving way to other people’s feelings, when they get frustrated you try and placate them, as they’ve taught you.

You’re caught in an impossible situation, you want a relationship with your parents but it’s so upsetting to actually be in that relationship because they’re not giving you any autonomy, it’s all on their terms. By turning up when you’ve asked them not to at a time when your DS needs your attention they’re provoking your feelings of vulnerability. I can’t imagine how you cope with that. You’re perfectly entitled to say you’ve made it clear it’s not a good time and you want them to leave, then give them their coats, get them outside and shut the door. You’d be amazed how good it feels, and how powerless they actually are when it comes to the crunch.

If they can’t respect your boundaries then you have to consider that they’re not really people to have in your life, maybe just for a while. Not a punishment, but as a way of finding some space for yourself.

Hi @minisoksmakehardwork. Yeah like you after my ds was diagnosed I started to recognise things in myself and realised i probably had the same condition. As a child I always felt different and this just wasn’t just because of my parents making me feel like I was the black sheep of the family. Looking back now I’m pretty sure my parents knew there was something with me but were either too embarrassed or ignorant to face it head on. At school I tried hard but I talked non stop was easily distracted day dreamed etc. My parents were often called in to see the teacher as school had concerns but my parents either just dismissed it or I’d get slap once I got home for being naughty. I went on to bullied at secondary school and then I’d come home and often it would be a tense atmosphere like I was walking on egg shells. My parents are so intense when it comes to my own kids and are always judging the decisions that I make. I couldn’t understand why at first as I always try best with my kids. I’m by no means a perfect parent but I would do anything for them and do my best to raise them the best I can. But I think with my parents they don’t like the fact that I kill myself sometimes to ensure my kids are happy and fulfilled. I know that sounds ridiculous and I’m certainly not big going myself up, believe me I’ve made mistakes, it’s hard to explain but if you knew them you’d know what I mean. My dh has even gone as far to say that my parents don’t want us to be happy, and believe me he’s such a lovely man and would never dream of saying something like that if he didn’t genuinely think it was true, and looking back now and the way that they have been and things they’ve said, I don’t think my dh is far off the mark. Examples are things like when me and my dh have managed to have the odd night out, which usually is only 2/3 times a year if we are lucky. My DH’s parents are more hands on than mine and whilst we have never taken advantage of them, they are happy to have our ds overnight if me and dh need some time just us. But the odd time we’ve gone out and I’ve told my parents, my dad usually makes sarcastic comments like oh you are never in you two, don’t you know kids are for life. My mum doesn’t say that much but usually looks offended that we asked my dh’s parents to our ds. But my parents have made I’d clear that they do not do babysitting and to be fair my youngest ds would not want to stay there anyway. My mum is verging on OCD and is obsessed with her house being immaculate. My ds doesn’t feel comfortable going to visit because she’s obsessed with him taking his shoes off not touching things ie hands on walls etc and she has told him a few times not to wonder around but he has autism and finds it hard to just still and be. I can count on one hand how many times they’ve said the words how are you or are you ok, even when I’ve been close to a breakdown when things have been really challenging at home with our ds or when we’ve been dealing with crap from school. There was a spell when I chose to home school my ds as he wasn’t coping at school and my parents thought this was ridiculous. They pair of them sat opposite me and told me straight I was being ridiculous and I couldn’t possibly teach my ds. Don’t know why but those words really hurt as I knew deep down I’d struggle with home schooling but I was at least willing to give it a try. It played on my mind for so long but I realised why they reacted like that. It wasn’t out of concern for my ds, saying that he’s fall behind academically and would become recluse stuck at home. No, it was because they knew deep down if this was them 30 years when I was a child, there is no way they’d have ever chosen to keep me at home in order to find me a more appropriate school. They just wanted me out the door to school asap so that they could have some peace and quiet. And again this isn’t me saying how great a parent I am for home schooling as in the end it failed miserably, no doubt giving my parents huge satisfaction, but the way they reacted wasn’t normal, as after all what I chose to do with my own children doesn’t affect them, and so there would be no need for them to put me down and make me doubt myself. Thinking back now there have been so many times they’ve done this and I just took it. But not anymore.

@Porcelin - I think it's a common theme for narcissistic parents to get over involved with the decisions we make about the grandchildren, even if they aren't that interested in a relationship with them.

My mother moved closer to me, so could come to us for a few hours and drive back the same day.

At first I dreaded it because I thought I'd never get rid of her.

It was the opposite. She came 4 times in a year.

She calls when the DC are at school as she wants adult conversation without interruption. But liked to have her say about all my parenting decisions... all the bloody time.

Yeah it certainly seems that way @sunnie1992. My parents aren’t hands on. They used to occasionally ask if my ds (eldest) wanted to go their house for tea but that didn’t last long and they wouldn’t dream of asking my youngest to go round. Like i said he has autism but he is verbal and very able but has a lot of anxiety sensory difficulties and will sometimes say horrible things when he’s feeling overwhelmed. He’s swore a few times when my parents have been here and instead of ignoring it like I’ve asked them to and explained why they need to do this, instead they do a huge gasp, draw more attention to it and usually say something like omg that’s shocking. I know it’s shocking but I’ve done absolutely everything I can think of to manage my son coming out with language and i was advised in the end my professionals to ignore it if it happens at home. But no, that’s not acceptable to my parents. A few months back they came to visit and my ds swore. My eldest ds was also sat with us and my dad thought it was appropriate to announce to my kids how he dealt with me when i used to swear. My eldest ds thought my dad was joking when he told him that he washed my mouth out with soap. At that moment I wanted to punch my dad in the face. I was mortified and embarrassed that he sat there looking all smug and quite happily told his grandchild what he did to me when I was little. I didn’t lose my rag as I won’t in front of my kids. I just said well the soap didn’t work did it because I still swear to this day. My dad replied ah that’s where your son gets it from. But I can say with all honesty that I don’t swear around my kids. I might have slipped up with the occasional soft swear word over the years but generally I don’t swear around them. It’s like he always thinks he can get one over on me and wear me down and as child he didn’t like it when I fought back. No idea how he became like that because my grandparents are lovely people. My mum never hit me as a child but she was obsessive ocd interfering and always thought she knew best. Again her mum and dad weren’t like this so I don’t get it.

@yellowlemon thank you.

I've lived such an awesome (relative to how I used to be) life and been so happy the past few years I had thought all my "work" was done as it were. It has blindsided me, I hadn't noticed warning signs at all because I thought that was just normal mummy stress type feelings. But it's not and I need stately homes level support. If that makes any sense.

I will keep reading and posting

Have got the Phillppa Perry book and also how to talk so little kids will listen.

Spent some time thinking about the question "what is your earliest memory" and realised I have huge blank areas before age 7 or so. It's hard to explain but it feels like I thought I had a 100 piece jigsaw puzzle but there are maybe 98 pieces missing. I remember seeing photographs from those years but no actual memories. I have a sense that Perry is right saying I'm being triggered before I'm even aware of it from a repressed sort of area.

I'm deeply relieved to have made the connection. It makes sense of so much of the last few months. I've spent today being very vigilant. Breathing, eating and getting enough water. Eye contact, calm tone of voice. Tomorrow will be the same. Vigilant. And continue reading the books.

The Phillipa Perry book was a really helpful read, it helped me to notice a lot more of my feelings. I used to get very short-tempered in a few specific situations when my children were young and it was a real lightbulb moment when I realised why. I think I also got anger and anxiety confused, and tried to ignore both.

@Fanthorpe I can relate to finding it difficult to identify emotions, without knowing that was causing problems.

I feel like I've woken up from the nightmare a bit now. I had "boiled frog" myself with the dysfunctional emotions I have been feeling, and at the same time DH and DS have been "boiled frogs" with the dysfunctional ways I've been behaving.

One good bit is that DH and I have already been doing a lot of the techniques from the parenting book, albeit without really putting the pieces together. I've been aware that I don't have a healthy childhood to draw on so have read widely even before DC arrived. Obviously the good stuff has been undermined by my rage outbursts. But it is encouraging to know that the original core of the way DH and I have been parenting was correct.

I can't undo the past few months but I can ensure I behave differently going forward.

Oh boy didn’t I make the mistake of trying to build bridges. I’ve had an awful email from my sister. Clearly she and my parents have been talking. However in the interests of openness I am debating replying and forwarding Her email to her and my parents to tell them I won’t be in touch again and why. I’m being accused of not replying To father when he emailed me about my grandma - I did. Either he has chosen not to tell her this or my response wasn’t suitably gushing enough. I am being accused of convenient timing for my daughter getting fb. Nothing to do with the fact that we chose to let her so she could be in touch with her friends. She chose to ask family and they chose to accept. I am angry though and angry isn’t a good time to be writing such things. Especially when the parents have been ill themselves and still are.

I’ve had a good cry. Still am to be fair and it’s just because she has shoved herself in her, totally uncalled for but done nonetheless. Maybe in years to come our parents will come to see this as I do. Oh, and to top it off, telling me the only think my parents wanted throughout this was to see the grandkids. I think my sister forgets how many times she used her infant daughter to get what she wanted from our parents. I am so fucking done with all of them.

I’m really sorry to hear that mini

Be careful not to get drawn in, no matter how tempting. Don’t JADE, it’s just more abuse piled on you.

outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

I cannot pinpoint why my dad acts the way he does.

Growing up he used to always tell me how proud he was of me. I got married very young, and after 15 years, divorced ( ExH emotionally abusive).

We lost our mum years ago and it really shook us. My son and I moved back in with my dad and sister, a couple of years ago to help him out and to help me be able to finish my masters. Since I moved back his attitude towards me has changed.

He has said he agrees with my ex-husband and feels sorry for him
He said I handled the divorce badly ( I chose a clean break to protect my mum's inheritance but he wanted me to fight for more- I couldn't afford it)
He has said I am a constant source of negativity, that I emit negativity wherever I go ( not true- I have had ups and downs but I avoid him because every time he calls my name it is followed by a condescending telling off, which nearly always ends up being a mistake that my younger sister or son has made)
He has said I have torn the family apart (even though I arrange family occasions and am always hosting meals)
He has said he had always wanted to pass on cultural lessons and heritage lessons to my brothers and them not embracing it was my fault ( I was a teenager at the time and hated being lectured at every 5 mins- my brothers have since 'educated themselves' and tbh, I told him he has the chance to do all that with them when I was living away in married home, IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY for 15 years)
He has said that I am messy and that the house is an absolute tip ( I actually do the washing up before I sit down and eat- my food is always lukewarm or cold as I don't want to cause any aggro from him- my sister has also confirmed that he is the one that forgets his plate and leaves crumbs everywhere- he always disputes that and refuses to acknowledge that it may be the cause of others in the house)
He has said that it was my fault that we forgot to go to mum's grave ( it was Christmas Day, and I had been crying all night missing my mum, and I said that id feel upset all day, if I went to the grave that day, and that I'd go the next day)
He has said I'm ashamed of my heritage ( My dishes are ones that my mum taught me, growing up. My son understands the language and knows the culture because I teach him it)
He has said I hate him and avoid him ( I love him, but I avoid him as it is like walking on eggshells and I have associated any conversation with him with a telling off)
He has said the biggest problem or mistake in his life now, is that I am still alive and that if suicide was not frowned upon in the eyes of god he'd advocate it for me

I am successful in my career
I did my undergrad while raising my son and suffering daily abuse
I have raised an amazing teenage boy
I went back to uni last year to get a masters and smashed it
I have a healthy and supportive circle of friends that I have known since I was 4- I am still very much in touch with all of them
I got myself out of debt
I am bilingual and am immensely proud of my heritage
I bought myself a place to live which I was planning on moving into before lockdown.
I focus on my self growth and development and read a lot.

Why does he not see the real me?

@LilMissRe, I did end up forwarding the email to my parents in the end, also including the email I had sent regarding my grandmother's death. Apparently Father didn't receive it - it wasn't in his spam or inbox. I have my suspicions given every other email has been received but cannot prove anything obviously.

Anyway, I forwarded the email from sister to deal with the issues it had raised, namely that I had suddenly resurfaced now and implying I was creating fake FB profiles in my DD's name to spy on them, causing them stress and that they didn't need me in their life. That they only ever wanted to see the grandchildren.

In it I gave my parents the opportunity to reply and let me know whether they wanted to continue to try and build a bridge after 3 years or if they didn't want to, then to reply to that effect and I would make sure they didn't hear any thing and that no one would bother them about us again.

Father replied to say mother is critically ill in hospital, sedated in ICU and that we will discuss this when she is better. Which I completely understand. But at the same time, I am disappointed that I have only been told this because I have asked how they want to proceed. When I first read the email my immediate response was to forward it and tell them all I was done with them all and that I fully expected to hear nothing from them until seeing their demise in the obituaries. I am glad I didn't. But it seems that they would have been quite happy with that.

DH is baffled. Despite my Dad being the tricky one, I was always closer to him and my sister to my mum. So DH thought see that despite him being a complete dick in his behaviour towards me and us, that he could see a time when Dad would be able to visit with us and spend time as a grandparent with our children. But for now we are a little bit in limbo.

So I have decided not to email any more for now. Leave things with them as again, despite everything growing up, I do know my Dad loves Mum and despite our rows, I wouldn't want the worst to happen even if we never did speak again.

And I shall continue to strengthen myself to deal with whatever might come in the future.