But we took you to Stately Homes - May 2020 onwards thread

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It's May 2020, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
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December 2013
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November 2018-May 2019
May-August 2019
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November-December 2019

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

@Cleo22 : Thank you for the information, much appreciated. I will check it out.

Hi all, hoping to join this thread? Have been directed to it many times but not quite been ready enough to face that my parents are in fact awful people.

I've told my doctor about the physical and emotional abuse from my parents. I haven't told anyone before other than DH and I don't know why but I just said it. Feeling very embarrassed.

I'm now worried that he probably doesn't believe me and feel uneasy that it's now on my doctors record. He kept gently pushing as to why I'm unable to sleep and I admitted that I have flashbacks to some things from my childhood and it escalated very quickly from there. He's a fantastic doctor, was incredibly lovely and spent a long time talking to me about it. Told me that he was sorry that happened to me. But I just feel so embarrassed as I just kept crying.

I'm just really struggling with why they did that to me. Lots of people say it's learnt behaviour, but I'm not doing it to my own dc. So why didn't they break the cycle? They treat me like crap as an adult. Unless I fall in line in agreement either everything they say of course. Then they're actually quite nice to be around which confuses me so much.

Definitely going to spend a long time researching the links above and reading the book suggested.

Does it get better? I'm hoping to speak to a therapist soon to help me but feeling somewhat defeated because they can't change what happened and there's no excuse for it either. Confronting my parents would only exacerbate the stress for me as it would be flat out denial.

Apologies, that was quite the rant.

@dinoteaparty : It's maybe not my place to say this as I haven't posted here much before, but I don't think you need to apologise at all, although I understand the motivation to do so. I think a lot of childhood abuse survivors spend a lot of time apologising for everything they do, I know I do it a lot. But I am learning slowly that we don't need to do that because we haven't done anything wrong ... the wrong was done to us. Fear of not being believed is also a struggle, but in this forum you will be heard and believed, and the help and support here is fantastic. It's already done so much for me. Sending you strength and support.

dino you’ve been incredibly brave, I’m so pleased to hear the doctor was helpful.

The best news of all is that you don’t have to do anything at all about your parents if you choose not to, it’s your choice now what happens. You owe them nothing, not loyalty or an explanation, or even the time of day. You have no obligation to them, only to yourself now.

Absolutely do the reading, find a therapist, hug your DH.

Once again you’ve been amazing and you don’t need to apologise for a damn thing.

@dinoteaparty - you definitely do not need to apologise. I'm so glad your doctor was supportive.

Therapy has really helped me. I had psychotherapy, and am still having it 6 months later. It made me realise that I needed to go NC with my mum, as staying in contact was damaging me and also beginning to damage my children. You might need to see a couple of therapists to find the right one - I found being very direct via email about what I needed to work on, really helped me to find the right person.

@toomanysighs - because you having a partner would be competition, plus if they don't come from a narcissistic background, they might point out how abnormal your relationship with your family is.

@SometimesIwish - you need to get the will, and then see a solicitor. I think it highly unlikely that there is really a trust with such complicated arrangements. Do not trust what you have been told and get the details in black and white.

Plus the money can never be a reason to stay in contact, it's not worth your mental health. There might not be that much there anyway, and even if its a small fortune, your health and happiness is more important.

@RiveterRosie - It takes time to get over the guilt. Your job as a child (and even now) is not to be the grown up. She is and always will be the parent, and it is her job to behave that way.

You have to take control of your own life, regardless of her opinion.

@Honeybee85 - Narcs often rewrite history to fulfil the narrative that they want. If you tell yourself something often enough you begin to believe it.

Weddings are a prime time for narcs to kick off, because they can't handle a day which is NOT about them. My M was the same, kicked off just before both of her children's weddings, and caused chaos.

As for me.... sigh... I receive a letter from M this morning. Typed and signed, the envelope was typed too, and sent recorded delivery.

Setting out how she believes she has a close and important connection with my children and all the times she has build a relationship with them; asking for contact.

Eugh she's been researching Grandparents Rights on the internet. This is not a surprise as the last time we had a major fall out she threatened to go to court for access.

The basic info is true but it's exaggerated to suggest they have a close relationship with my kids, which is not true. None of them have mentioned her since lockdown started; much less asked to speak to her.

The reality is that she's unlikely to get access through the courts, even if she was willing to pay the money, as both DH and I agree that she's not a good influence around the kids. Plus we are moving abroad soon, so any contact would be limited and unenforceable.

ARGH! DH has hidden the letter so I don't read it over and over.

It explains why I haven't had any abusive texts this time (although she's been blocked for a large part of it), as she's being careful what she says in case she actually goes to court.

I'm not convinced she would actually do it (and my stepfather certainly won't want the money spent), but then she's not exactly sensible, so who knows.

Roll on August and flights reopening - get me out of here!

Stay strong sunnie, threatening you with the big stick of legal action is a sign of how extraordinarily out of touch with reality she is. Good for your DH, it won’t make any sense no matter how many times you read the letter. Horrible though.

Sunnie, I have no idea about the chances of success with regard to grandparents going to court for access but it might be worth keeping a log of all the relevant facts just in case you need to build a case against her?

@sunny1992

Thank you. Yes you are very probably right about the memory rewriting technique.
These people lie and manipulate everyone including themselves!

Re your M:
I don't know UK laws but imagine it's very hard to get access to grandchildren trough the court. It's possible this is just a very nasty way to get under your skin. Typical narc behavior to write a nasty letter and avoid a fair confrontation where you're able to have your say too and to choose kicking you from behind trough evil written in words. Urgh!

If I were you, I would dig up old nasty emails/letters or text messages. You could even open your old phone if you haven't sold or binned it to see if inside there are some old messages left. Take screenshots of them and keep a file of the evidence you have. Hopefully and probably you won't need it but it will give you peace of mind and that already in itself is a Victory because your M is trying to steal that from you.

I’m pretty sure the only way grandparents get any right to access is if they’ve played a significant role in the children’s lives previously. Not just by being grandparents, as they have no inherent rights anyway.

sunnie

Stay strong here sunnie, she does not have a chance in hell of seeing your kids.

Grandparents access to children is not automatic and your mother would have to prove decisively to the court that such access would be in the children's interests. Her type written letter (I did smile wryly to myself when I saw that only because my late narcissist FIL did the self same, he also wrote self denying crap but was too mean to send anything by recorded delivery) is merely another attempt to exert some power and control over you because she feels it is slipping away.

ARGH I can't sleep.

I KNOW logically that she is unlikely to be able to force access - but the letter has had it's intended affect.

I have tried to find as much as I can re old arguments/texts/emails etc. Funny, reading them back, they don't sound that bad, but I know what's behind them

The court case (if she were to apply) would cost thousands of pounds, with limited chance of success. She already acknowledges that as we are planning to move abroad, it would not be face to face contact, so I'm not sure it's worth all the money for the odd skype call?

Who knows, I've never really meant NC before. God knows what I will have unleashed.

Got to love the power of Facebook. Had a friend call me as they didn't know whether to say something of not. She was a mutual friend of my sister but moved schools to my DC's and independently of my sister, we got to know each other and hit it off really well. She has kept my sister on FB through pure nosiness.

Today's phone call was to inform me that both my parents are ill in hospital with covid. Having seen the screen shots, it is clear to me that my sister is relishing in the drama all this has caused combined with the death of my grandmother. Of course, my eldest has recently friended her on FB although isn't party to view these messages (I've checked). It seems the last message where I was accused of wanting to control the flow of information was covering up the reality of her control.

My sister is now gatekeeper to my parents in the absence of grandma .She has won, she has only ever wanted to be number one yet I, eldest daughter, stood in the way.

I shall catch up with others as I feel I am going to need some strength not to go on a full on rant. I tried to make contact, I was a fool. I am now paying the price and my children are being dragged into it.

@sunnie1992 you have released the fury of a woman who realises she won't be able to control you. She is now trying to spoil your future by having this hanging over you. See it for what it is. A vain attempt to exert control as she can see and feel it slipping away from her.

People don't like it when the person they want to dominate slips free from the leash they have been put on.

minisoks that’s a really tough set of circumstances. Do you view your friend as a ‘flying monkey’ even though not sent by your sister? Are you ok with knowing this stuff?

sunnie I think she’s just doing all she can to provoke contact from you, she cannot bear to be defied so is going nuclear. Maybe ask over on the legal board about the process she’d have to go through?

Friend is definitely not a flying monkey. My sister has tried in the past to get to me through her, but my friend has her own dysfunctional family relationships and saw through it - it was an invitation to sister's wedding despite not having seen or spoken to friend in longer than she and I had known each other.

I am ok with knowing. I have no strong feelings about knowing that make me want to rush over. I am disappointed in my sister as she wanted me to relinquish control over her being in contact with my children, yet couldn't give me the courtesy of a heads up. This was going on at the same time as she was messaging me! So I know that she is a bigger part of the problem than I had first thought. Sibling relationships!

Hello all

Just checking in and I've realised it's 6 months to the day I told my mother that I wouldn't be contacting her for some time.

Going NC really was the best thing I've ever done for my mental health. I feel so much freerer and I am so relieved I did it before Covid so I didn't have to deal with her. I can imagine that she would have suggested us self-isolating together or some other completely crazy thing and then I would have had to deal with the guilt of saying no.

I had a bit of a weird experience a few nights ago. I woke up sobbing after having a sort of weird half-dream about how shit my childhood was and how unfair it all was. It shook me a bit as I've obviously still got lots of deep-down trauma but apart from that I've been ok.

Re the wills: both my parents used the will over me from an early age. From 'If you marry a black man we'll cut you out of the will" when I was a teenager to 'your behaviour as a child was so bad your father was going to cut you out of the will' - the last words my mother spoke to me.

It just proves they have no idea how to parent and think the threat of not getting some money when they're dead is the best way to have a relationship with a child.

I'd rather have had one hug when they were alive than all the money in the world when they were dead. Idiots.

Hello Yellow. It's good that hear that you feel free and relieved. It is such a step to take, and one we often doubt we should do, but that freedom... its worth it.

I found NC benefitted my MH too. I made tentative attempts to build bridges and it has backfired massively. So resuming NC with my parents and sister. It says a lot when, on hearing the news about my parents I emailed dad to say I'd found out through FB and his first response was 'who put it on there' (that would be my sister) and second, everything is being taken care of. Nothing else. Nothing that would indicate that they wish to resume contact. It's somewhat of a blessed relief. The burden has been removed again from my shoulders and I can carry on in blissful ignorance. I have blocked my Dad and sister from DD's FB account. We have had the chat that right now is not the time but as she gets older, we will revisit it. I don't want her to have the burden of being turned into a flying monkey or feeling torn between her parents and grandparents. If I act as her parent, I am doing what is best for her and her own mental health.

Signing back in if that’s ok please. I fell off the thread, got ill in March (think it was CV but who knows). I’ve been feeling fairly ok under lockdown since I recovered, less triggers generally.

But oddly the new relaxed rules has massively triggered my issues around neediness, which had been so much better since working through some issues I had earlier in the year. Now I’m terrified to ask anyone to meet - to admit I desperately need to see people outside my lovely family bubble, and risk them turning me down.

@Laneboy - I think the lockdown and subsequent lessening is causing lots of anxiety issues for a lot of people.

Take a deep breath and ask the question - if people say no, it's a reflection of the situation, and not on your relationship.

@yellowlemon - well done on the NC - I had the same about the wills - it's worth losing any potential money, for the freedom NC seems to bring.

As for me - I had a couple of bad days after the letter arrived, but I've now managed to put it in perspective.

The reality is that she is just cross that she doesn't really have control over her adult children, and is trying to assert that she is owed something.

The reality is that none of us asked to be born, and apparently I was planned, so it is not my fault she had me, and it's not my responsibility to "make up" for the hardship she suffered raising me.

Just as it's not my children's fault they were born, and they owe me nothing when they become adults. Our relationship will be based on how we treat each other, and not out of some kind of misguided loyalty.

If I'm horrible to my children, then they have the right to walk away.

I know this isn't the end of the games and the pushing for more contact, but I am starting to recognise that she doesn't actually care enough to spend the money it would require to get grandparents rights (even if she were successful).

If she did, she wouldn't have only seen us 5 times in 12 months.

Refreshingly the kids haven't mentioned her once (dave for my youngest, who also seems to have forgotten now).

Lockdown has really been a bonus in my situation. She CANT come here right now, and I doubt she'd drive all the way here without a guarantee she could be welcomed.

I hope everyone is coping ok at the moment. xx

Hi. I’m new to the thread. I’ve named changed as I don’t want to be recognised. I’ve read a lot of your posts and just wanted to say the more I read the more I can resonate with. Sat here now I feel guilty for even posting on here and don’t know if I should really but I can’t say what I want to say in real life so I thought maybe I could vent on here and people might understand. Don’t know where to start really but here goes.

I’m one of three children me being the youngest of the three. My mum and dad had my brother at 17 my sister 18 and me at 21 so quite young really. My dad was strict and my mum flitted between being softly softly one minute and controlling the next. There was no consistency so i remember as a young child being confused and not knowing where i stood. Some memories of my childhood are a bit hazy as I think I blocked a lot out but I also have adhd (diagnosed as an adult) and may possibly have a milder form of autism the same as my ds so whilst I find it difficult to piece some of it together at the same time some things I remember like it was only yesterday.

As a child my parents had this overwhelming need to make sure we had the best clothes, tons of presents at Christmas and multiple holidays every year. But then looking back now I see this was a way of over compensating for what was going on at home. The long and short of it is there were times when my dad would lose his temper and hit mum me and my siblings. I wasn’t badly behaved as such but I definitely had some odd behaviours. I didn’t harm anyone but I was different and clearly my parents couldn’t cope with that. I can’t remember at what age my dad began to lash out at my mum but i remember being scared stiff hearing it from my bedroom hearing him actually hit her and my mum sobbing. But then the next day it was like nothing had happened and this continued for many years until my mum got ill and ended up in hospital with a rare form of cancer. Thankfully she recovered and things seemed ok for a while but not for long. My dad took out his frustration on me and siblings too. Having adhd obviously I tested the boundaries at times and I probably wasn’t easy to manage but then looking back now all I needed was the love and understanding that I provide my ds.

My parents often went out at weekends. Sometimes together and sometimes separately with friends. Often my dad would get drunk and then start on my mum once she got home. I remember waking up a few times to screaming on the front door step and it was dad having a go at my mum calling her every name under the sun usually a slag, and my auntie and mum’s friends trying to protect her. I know now that they both had affairs which I only found out once I’d grown up and moved out. I remember praying that they would split up and my mum would take me and my siblings away. I couldn’t understand why anyone would stay in an an abusive marriage like that.

When it came to me I was the most rebellious and would try and fight back when my dad got physical with me . I tried my hardest not to cry as I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction but it was hard. A few times as a teenager I swore and my dad’s response to this was to literally wash my mouth out with soap. A few times I fought that hard that he couldn’t get it into my mouth so instead he rubbed it on my face and all in my hair. My mum did nothing. I remember him hitting me really hard a few times and my mum screaming at him to not hit me on the head. Like it was ok to hit me elsewhere. I couldn’t understand that.

I shared a room with my sister and she comforted me whilst we could hear my dad hitting my mum. As we got older my brother and sister couldn’t take it anymore and they’d run downstairs to try and break it up. My sister would scream that my dad was a wife beater and I’d be upstairs scared out of my wits. What I couldn’t understand for years though is that in between all of this chaos we did have some good times like going to the rugby with my dad going on holiday bike rides big Christmas family parties with all the family. I guess I couldn’t understand and still can’t understand it all.

As I got to around 18 I remember things calming down at home and my mum and dad getting on better. But then it’s like the power had shifted and my mum would boss my dad around and nit pick him about stilly things. She was OCD about the house and everything had to be just so and they’d have little spats here and there but nothing major. I moved out at 21 when i had my first child with my now husband. As far as I’m aware my dad has never been physically violent towards my mum since and I kind of put it all in box in my head and buried it deep for a long time. But as I’ve got older and had my children my parents have become unbearable at times. I’m sure that they love my kids and they see them often but they try to control my life. They never seem to agree with anything that I do, they can be very critical at times especially when it comes to my kids. There have been so many times I’ve let it go over my head as I’m not good with confrontation but we’ve had a few fall outs over the years when I’ve not been able to take it anymore. They most recent fall out was just before Christmas. My ds is autistic so obviously has a lot of difficulties. I do my absolute best for him but my mum and dad clearly think they know best. They question my parenting constantly but make out it’s only because they care about me and the kids and want the best for us. For years I believed it and so I didn’t say much to them but lately I’ve become so angry and the resentment from my childhood that I’d buried deep has come back. They must know deep down how their behaviour affected me but we keep up this pretence that we are this close family when really we are anything but. I find myself getting angry when sometimes they may genuinely just be trying to help, but I have this in built defence mechanism now to reject anything they say whether they have a point or not.

I feel guilty for even writing this as I know my parents had it hard with me and my siblings. But then again life isn’t always rosey for me and my Dh with our kids but we wouldn’t dream of ever hurting them. As well as my adhd I have suffered spells of depression and anxiety. Thankfully I didn’t get to the point were it got really really bad but that’s because i can’t let myself get to that’s stage as my kids need me. I only told my dh about my childhood a few months back after the years we’ve been together and he got so upset. He always thought my parents were a bit odd and over bearing at times but he hadn’t a clue that this has gone on. My kids no nothing and they never will but that’s partly due to some warped sense of loyalty that I somehow still have for my parents and part due to the fact I don’t want to upset my kids. I feel like I’m weak for it standing up to my parents more but then I think part of me just wanted it stay buried. But the fact my parents think it’s ok to interfere in my life and offer me advice like I’m a terrible parent has made me really angry and upset to the point i have cut back on contact. Anyway I’m sorry it was so long. I just felt I needed to get it all out.

Hi Porcelin if you read back through what you’ve written something stands out clearly, we all make choices. Your parents chose to bring you up with fear and violence and you explain this is probably because they were having a tough time, and you think you’re responsible for some of the problems. But you go on to say you chose not to treat your children in the same way, despite the fact that it’s difficult for you at times.

We all make choices as parents. Children can’t, and you certainly couldn’t when you were being assaulted and humiliated. But they did choose, and they continue with it now, and your memory of being afraid of upsetting them is very powerful.

We think that when we’re adults we’re equals, and we should be. But when you see your own children your memories are being triggered because you have so much buried anger. It’s painful.

Your parents have not let you set any boundaries, so if you want to feel safer and happier you’ll need to think of what those boundaries might be for you and your family. It can be as firm as you like, it sounds like your DH is on your side. Have a break from them for a while if you feel that’s what you need.

They’ve made their choices, now you make yours. It’s not about punishing them, it’s about you feeling safer and happier.

Hi Everyone
I have been reading this thread and it’s made sense of a lot of what happened to me in my life and made me the person I am today.
No confidence, a people pleaser unable to say no.

My story is a little different as my parents died many years ago.
So I will never have closure and I don’t think I’d have been brave enough to walk away.

I was born in the late 60s the 3rd of 4 children of older parents with a large age gap between first 2 children and my sibling and I.

Parents both functioning alcoholics. Physically and verbally abusive.

My DF was seen as a hard man, well respected in the community who worshipped my DM in a bit of a love/hate relationship.

We were expected to show high levels of respectability, no sex before marriage, bring no shame to the door.

Our mum since I remember always suffered from MH problems with prescribed drug addiction, anorexia and alcoholism. Giving us the silent treatment for misbehaving. She used to say ‘see when I die don’t you be crying over my coffin or I’ll come back and haunt you’. Or I’m going away and never coming back and disappear for hours leaving me and Dsis alone.
It fell to me and Dsis to care for her as older DC had married and moved out and DF was at work. We were forced into adult roles shopping and cleaning with me in charge.

DM nearly had me turned into a man hater listening to her saying, ‘Never be dependent on any man. I didn’t want to marry your father you know. You’re better off without them’. It would’ve suited her lovely to have me an old spinster sitting at the fire keeping her company.

We were beaten with shovels, brushes, pokers, punched. DF only used his hands. I got into lots of fights at school. I was bullied but the bullies always came off worst because none of them could hit me as hard as my DM or DF.

When I got a job and started buying my own clothes DM would borrow them, use my perfume, read my post.

I met a lovely man who has been my rock for 25+ years. We weren’t long married when DF. died. DM continued with her way of MH issues to keep us on our toes. Me and Dsis were always trying to go the extra mile to make her feel better. It was always about her. I placed a lot of value on the ‘honour thy father and thy mother’. Undeserved loyalty.

I have all these feelings locked in a very large box with the lid tightly closed. I feel talking about them in counselling would open a Pandora’s box which I think would do more harm than good.
I’m an old bird and I don’t want to spend my last few decades dealing with hurtful emotions.

My heart goes out to everyone one of you and I hope that somehow you find your peace.

Hello statelyhomers. I've posted before under different usernames. I'm back because lockdown is turning me into a horrible abusive parent. I realise that my friends are probably all lying about how easy they are finding it. But I feel so alone.

I'm not coping. I've smacked my 3yo.
Not just once. I'm disgusted with myself. When I stop and sit in my feelings I feel like it's a nightmare and I can't wake up.

I just need to admit this to someone.

I can't turn into my mother I just can't. Help.