He's had three divorces.....avoid?

[user1467480231]

Have met a very charming man, however he has been divorced 3 times and at the end of last year his then partner (who he had his fourth child with) dumped him.
In all other ways he seems lovely, although I'm taking things EXTREMELY slow.
Thoughts?

You only have his word that he gets on well with the exes and adores his children. I wonder what their side of the story is?

I would judge anyone who'd been married say more than 3 times.

My DD dated a guy, he actually moved in with her, I thought this was it.He was an only child... then I find out his Mum had been married SIX times. The father of him was husband no. 2 or 3 I think. I tried to warn her that this guy was probably damaged somewhat from this rollercoaster of a family life. But it's her life and she carried on. I was worried too that he had lived with 2 girls before her and was only 29.

Yep. He was a commitment phobe. He broke her heart
So sad for her.

It’s the gushing and declarations of love that would put me off, he sounds like a lovesick teenager.

If all you want to do is have a ‘companion’ for outings and theatre trips then fair enough, but he sounds as though he will be ‘expecting more’ and be far too intense.

There are still another 12 years unaccounted for in his love life - when where they and what happened then - did he also have other LTR that didn’t end in marriage? Or did he spend a lot of his time single or playing the field?

Advice on here is to never get involved with someone who has just come out of a marriage - they need to do the work on themselves to reflect, change, grow.

Also PP has said that you wouldn’t have DC together so it is less of an issue - but he has a 6 year old - so if you were to look at a LTR you would be a step parent with residency maybe 50% of the time.

No and neither would I date someone with children especially to different partners.

I’d be telling my children to steer clear of someone, regardless of gender, who had been married three times. Vows are meant to be a lifelong commitment. Just live together if you don’t want that.

Why are you even asking the question?

Probably a narcissist. I would assume that of any guy who has had 3 marriages or more. The 'charming' would add to my alarm bells.

The first one was when he was very young. We all grow and change. Fair enough. The next couple lasted 12 years each did you say? That’s a long time. Sounds reasonable.

People slate those who have tied the knot and then it’s failed a few times. I’ve been in a ten year and a five year relationship so I could have been twice divorced by now had I tied the knot, but because I lived in sin and don’t have a bit of paper then somehow I’m a better catch? I’m not! My relationships have failed as much as anyone with a marriage cert.

I don’t think it matters if you just want company. Keep your finances separate. Learn from what he says went wrong in previous relationships. Don’t judge him too harshly. Just be open minded but take no shit, as we all should be doing in any relationship.

My sister was married three times. First husband sexually abused a girl. Divorce. Second husband cheated. Third husband was great and they stayed together until she died.

Run! My ex had been married 3 times previously, and of course in his version it was all the fault of the dreadful women he chose, the first when young. Fast forward 20 years. He is my ex for very good reasons.

I also know a man who has just divorced for the 5th time, and who I strongly suspect is of a similar makeup to my ex.

The difference in the tone of the replies and this thread and the reverse one are very interesting:

Man thrice married: Avoid!
Women thrice married: Well, it depends, we can't judge, maybe they were abusive marriages and so on and so forth.

Well the differences between men and women in society are going to reflect in the responses.
It’s not an equal playing field is it?

Men are much more likely to be the abuser than the abused.
Women are more likely to benefit financially out of a marriage especially if they have to stop working for children.
The arguments for women leaving and entering marriage are just stronger.

Well they’ve found a gene for serial infidelity, perhaps we’re all prisoners of our biology to some extent!

"The arguments for women leaving and entering marriage are just stronger"....
How so?

RUN!

My DH has 2 divorces behind him. He was open and honest as to what happened exactly. I chose to judge him on who he was the day he met me and how he was with me, not his past. I am glad I did and we are really happy much to the annoyance of one of his ex wives.

If all matters were equal, I would probably say different, buts it’s still a mans world. I would judge man because they hold all the cards.

He's got the integrity of gnat - why would you even contemplate it 🤔
and yeah I bet he's very charming.

@rosieposies, did you grow up with multiple step fathers or were you older by the time of the marriages?

I know someone who had 3 marriages by 43 and children in the mix..it was horrendous for the children to go through so much change as it was literally 1 husband after another. She was judged for doing so and probadly more harshly because she was a woman.

I'm wife number 4; we've been together 15 years with one 12 year old DD. Life was easier because he had no previous DC's. His longest relationship previously was 5 years, so it can work out despite a less than promising history.

Hi OP, I haven't read the full thread but wanted to post before I lose my train of thought (happens with increasing frequency these days).

You write:

Why does it have to be an either/or situation? I'm in my 50s and very much doubt I would ever "commit to a relationship" again,. I'd be much more likely to just see how it goes, keep it light, keep my own place and not let him move in. I would keep my friends and hobbies (should go without saying but sadly I know women who don't).

If a bloke came on strong to me like this, gushing and blowtorching etc, I'd honestly laugh - it sounds immature - either that or he thinks it's what you want to hear. Younger men usually do this when they're trying to get you into bed. Not that that's a bad thing! Just that maybe it shouldn't be taken too seriously.

Does he tell sob stories? Is he needy? Are all his previous marriages the exes' fault? Is he on good terms with them? Does he badmouth them? Any doubts in these areas and it would be Goodnight From Me.

I would want to find out more about him - either through mutual friends, work colleagues etc. You can tell a lot about someone by their friends. One of my exes had a mate he called Pervy Bob. Well guess what? My ex turned out to be a perv too.

What are his relationships like with his adult kids and have you met them?

I once read that people tell "stories" about themselves - and such stories will tell you who they are, if you pay attention.

I also read that the essence of the problems that will split you up are present in the first few weeks of dating - except we brush them under the carpet and don't pay heed to them.

So if you do decide to go for it, don't rush in, read between the lines and don't put his name on your house / bank account / will . And good luck!

👎

Yes, avoid.

@Chista same here. I'm wife no.3 but DH was honest. Wife 1 cheated as did wife 2 who also left him in 10 grand debt. He supported his kids from no.1 and has 50/50 of his daughter from no.2. They co-parent. We have a DS and have been happy for 8 years. He's my partner in every way and a honest bloke.
Yet, I was advised by friends to avoid him because of his two divorces. I didn't see why I should define him by his past.

So here's the update. He rang me yesterday and I told him this:

I was initially very flattered by his warmth and loving comments (I was married for 24 years and was totally destroyed by my divorce so after 4 years on my own, I was admittedly sucked in by his words).

I was honest with him and said that the 3 divorces put me off (he said he understood).

I also said that it's taken me four years to even contemplate having a relationship with someone after my ONE divorce, so I was concerned that he seemed to be over his last relationship (which ended last Aug) so quickly.

I told him that I didn't want to marry again and had no intention of moving in with someone. He said he'd want to get married again and I'd "be perfect". THAT WAS IT FOR ME!!

The call ended with me saying that I felt too pressurised so he needed to back off. I said it in a kind way (I hate hurting people) and he said "how about we just pause for 3 months and then look at it again?". I agreed.

Thank you all for your comments. They really made me think!