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Original poster

He's had three divorces.....avoid?

241 replies

user1467480231 · 07/05/2020 08:41

Have met a very charming man, however he has been divorced 3 times and at the end of last year his then partner (who he had his fourth child with) dumped him.
In all other ways he seems lovely, although I'm taking things EXTREMELY slow.
Thoughts?

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 07/05/2020 10:08

How old is he?

Electrical · 07/05/2020 10:08

You only want sex and a holiday companion, so why not, if you can get STD tests every few weeks while he’s busy ‘finding the right woman’ and probably impregnating more of the population.

Electrical · 07/05/2020 10:08

cheese op said he’s 56

Karwomannghia · 07/05/2020 10:09

He sounds like a hopeless romantic. But I don’t see what the problem is if you like spending time with him, you’re not looking for house sharing, kids and marriage so you can walk away at any time if it stops working for you.

Tiredmum100 · 07/05/2020 10:09

I can see there's another thread going from the man's perspective. As I said on the other thread I know of a woman on her 4th marriage, no issues with her, but marriages broke down to circumstances, domestic violence etc. Is it any different because it's a man? Maybe he was in abusive relationships, maybe he just can't commit 🤷🏼‍♀️. Idk.

BertiesLanding · 07/05/2020 10:13

@Tiredmum100 - I haven't read that thread, but I'd be suggesting that it is to do with the OP there, too. With four marriages, the common denominator is the poster.

Wehttam · 07/05/2020 10:13

He’s beyond repair. Avoid like the plague

BertiesLanding · 07/05/2020 10:13

Ah - I mean the woman you know.

Boireannachlaidir · 07/05/2020 10:13

He seems perfect... so I'm confused by the divorces,

This couples with your comments about him being charming and besotted with you quite quickly are the warning signs for me.

I wouldn't want to be fooled or taken in by him. If you do stay I'd slow it right down but it's not looking promising from his track record though we are allowed to make past mistakes.

nagynolonger · 07/05/2020 10:16

Very unlikely that three women are in the wrong. It must be him.

Thisismytimetoshine · 07/05/2020 10:16

How long have you actually known this guy, op? Being confused as to why he's been divorced so many times is odd when it sounds like you barely know him.

BeeyatchPlease · 07/05/2020 10:20

I have a friend in his mid 50s who has had 3 failed marriages.
It looks terrible on paper but each ex wife has completely shafted him. They all had affairs and left, taking whatever they possibly could. He's been utterly heartbroken each and every time and so sad to see. He's such a genuine and caring man so I just don't get it.
I wouldn't be so quick to judge. If it weren't for bad luck, some people would have no luck at all.

SpokeTooSoon · 07/05/2020 10:21

It depends on the reasons.

I mean, maybe the first turned out to be a lesbian? Not his fault.

Maybe the second never got off the ground because he said the wrong name at the wedding? Little bit his fault.

And the third? Well, they really shouldn’t let you get married when you’re that drunk.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 07/05/2020 10:22

To be honest, if these were relationships rather than marriages, no-one would bat an eyelid. Two x 12 year relationships are par for the course for someone who is 56, whether married or not. And it sounds like he was married too young at 20 and it was a big mistake. The adult children wouldn't be an issue for me but not sure I would want a 6 year old in my life at that age! When you say 3 divorces and 4 kids, the initial reaction is hell no, but when you look into it a bit further, it's not that bad. Just don't marry him! You don't want to be wife number 4 in anyone's life!

Hotwaterbottlelove · 07/05/2020 10:23

I thought 'avoid' as soon as I read the word charming. That's not a good personality trait in my book. It means they are able to manipulate because that is all being charming is. Do some women really find this attractive?! It makes my skin crawl.

Thisismytimetoshine · 07/05/2020 10:24

How much further are you looking into it that it seems not so bad, WhataTime? Confused. Do you know the guy?

Rainbowqueeen · 07/05/2020 10:25

“I haven’t met the right woman” is such a cliche. In your shoes I’d be more willing to pursue it if he had been able to give an explanation that showed some kind of thought or reflection on what went wrong in each marriage

If you just want something casual, maybe but certainly not anything serious

malovitt · 07/05/2020 10:30

@BeeyatchPlease
I also have a male friend like yours with three failed marriages.
His first wife was an air stewardess who went off with a pilot within 18 months of their marriage.
The second two married him for his money and both admitted it, took everything they could.

He is a lovely man, funny, generous and kind, a brilliant dad, utterly devoted to his children. I'd be delighted if one of my single friends took up with him.

peperethecat · 07/05/2020 10:39

I think that deciding who to marry is one of the most important decisions we make in life (if not the most important). We can't always predict how things will turn out for us, but if he's been divorced three times (and had a baby with a fourth woman) this suggests that at best he is very bad at making important decisions, and at worst he's an awful person to be married to.

I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole.

peperethecat · 07/05/2020 10:40

@SpokeTooSoon Grin

1forsorrow · 07/05/2020 10:41

My husband's first wife had been married/divorced 3 times. Whirlwind romance and wedding. She emptied his bank account, ran up debts, left him in a right mess. Apparently this was a pattern. They were married for less than a year when she left, he had nothing left to steal. This was 40 years ago and he had over £10k of debt to deal with, mortgage not paid, overdraft maxed out etc, she was intercepting bank letters and eventually the bank manager phoned him and asked him to go in for a meeting. He refused to believe what she had done but bank manager showed him the cheques, when he got home she was packing as she knew the game was up.

It caused trust issues round money when we first got married, I understood why so it was baby steps as he got over it all. Thank heavens no babies involved.

So I'd say be careful, he could have been unlucky but that is quite a run of bad luck.

AppearingNormal · 07/05/2020 10:58

The red flag isn't the divorces, it's the inappropriately early gushing. Run.

1111Cleopatra · 07/05/2020 10:58

I am glad that my current partner didn't judge me on my past failed relationships!. I have one failed marriage, divorced and a long term relationship that failed. We have a very happy 7 year relationship now. I wouldn't say that I have anything particularly wrong with me other than the fact that I won't stay in a relationship that I am unhappy in.

WombatChocolate · 07/05/2020 11:00

He's had 3 failed marriages plus a 4th relationship which has resulted in another child.

Sorry, but even at his age it is just too many.....he clearly likes women and likes you, but struggles to sustain a relationship and no doubt has. Left all kinds of devastation (and certainly children) in his wake.

Just isn't the kind of person, level of maturity I'd want from someone in their 50s (or 20s to be honest). He clearly has no trouble attracting women and as you say, is very charming, but you'd think women would start running when they see him coming now, unless they have low self esteem and are easily charmed or find it easy to swallow at least 4 failed serious relatiinships and all these children.

Would you consider he will be a keeper, given the evidence? Can you be sure that even if you think you're just having a bit of fun, somehow you won't find yourself drawn in and one of the women left behind.

Vanhi · 07/05/2020 11:05

He seems to suggest that he never found the right woman and was working away with his job a lot.

Well that accounts for the first divorce, but not the next two. And the charm and gushiness would put me off. I prefer substance and kindness to those superficial qualities. I think you'll find your relationship with him will go the same way eventually.

I am glad my OH didn't judge me on my track record it's true but this isn't about his track record alone - it's that plus his other behaviour.