He's had three divorces.....avoid?

[user1467480231]

Have met a very charming man, however he has been divorced 3 times and at the end of last year his then partner (who he had his fourth child with) dumped him.
In all other ways he seems lovely, although I'm taking things EXTREMELY slow.
Thoughts?

The gushing and the "right woman" comments suggest to me he is one of those who have an ideal fantasy woman in their mind. They meet you, you match the fantasy in some ways, they lovebomb you. With this type, as time goes by he gets to know you and of course you do not think and behave exactly like his fantasy woman, the reaction at this point becomes the problem. Instead of enjoying your actual personality, they get annoyed at you behaving wrongly and start looking elsewhere for the right woman.

That said, seeing as you only want dating and a bit of company, going out dancing and shagging a player for a few months could be a lot of fun. Just roll your eyes and take a pinch of salt when he tells you you are the best woman he has ever met.

Working away a lot is usually code for having affairs and shirking the boring parts of life.

im 48, he's 56. My kids are also grown up.
I have NO desire to get married again, nor live with a man, however I was looking for company and possible trips away etc

If this is all you're after then I don't see it being an issue

You mention you are 48 and have grown up DC so I take it you are not looking to have any more DC and just want companionship and fun. I'd see how it goes, no harm in having some fun.

The only thing I would add is that having been married 3 times, you are probably not going to be 4th time's a keeper. If you are OK knowing that then crack on and have fun.

I'd avoid any man who appears 'perfect'. They are hiding something very unpleasant. A certain type of man will shower you wth attention during 'the chase' but once you are captured, ignore you or expect you to be a good wifey and clean, cook, do admin with a cheery smile while he is always out in the world doing Big Important Man Things. I wonder if he's like that. Or maybe he has a vice - prostitutes, gambling, drink? Would you dare ask any of the exes?

Life is complicated enough without that many exes and kids.

Plus divorce is so messy, why would he set himself up with so many marriages?

I have a neighbour who is in his mid 70s with a wife who's about 50. He's been married four times before and has several adult children. He's been with his current wife for 20 years, they have a 12 year old son, and they seem very happy.

So it can work out, but I'd still be taking things very slowly if it were me....

“ Being unlucky in love “ might just about be plausible. But that’s why I’m asking about the kids - how much he he parents them, especially the 6 year old. Because being unlucky in love doesn’t stop you being a great parent.

And I’m wondering how much time he will have to spend with the Op if he works away a lot AND has a 6 year old living with him half the time. As any great father would do.

You might not want marriage and/or just want companionship and trips away type relationship right now/this year and next, but often as time moves on those feelings change. I don't know whether I could invest myself with the potential for my feelings to change or get stronger, with someone who I don't see a future with or who doesn't have a great track record. Although his later two marriages have not been short, none of his marriages have lasted and I just don't know if I could personally commit to being another potential stepping stone and a fond memory on this guy's meander through life.

If you are sure that all you would ever want is companionship, trips away and if it broke up in 5 or 10 years that you wouldn't regret it etc then that's different. But he has a 6 yo child too. If your relationship deepened then presumably you'd be having the 6/8/10/14/16 year old (as the child grows up) in your life too. You're 48 now, would you want to be dealing with a 14yo step child (even if you're not married) at 58? Maybe you would, but it's only fair to consider that you'll likely get drawn in to his childrens' lives to a degree, particularly the youngest if as you say he has good contact and relationships. You might actually become very attached to your SC! It just seems like there's some real thinking to do beyond whether he has just never met the right woman.

Does he work in sales?

It would totally put me off. It becomes a bit of a joke after 3 divorces.

If he was 20 years younger I'd think you were dating my ex.

Incapable of being on his own - he jumps from relationship to relationship, moves women in quickly (or moves in with them), has children with them and then gets bored and moves on to the next. To date I believe he's been married once, engaged twice and has six children with four women (that we know of).

If all you're wanting is casual dating and someone to go away with on a long weekend, then why not, but I really wouldn't want anything more to come out of it.

I met a very career successful man once on holiday, he was a fair bit older than I ( fit for his age) and had been married a similar number of times with a similar number of children. Did attempt to carry things on from a distance once home but we were at different stages in life - him working still but looking towards winding down and retiring and I still working hard full time and likely to carry on for the next 20 years. We got as far as dtd once - just about, I'd say as was hard to tell. OMG, won't detail, but he was never going to be satisfying in the bedroom, and had obviously not learnt any compensation techniques, so I can understand why his focus had been his career all his life. Apart from that, was quite poor at communicating via phone and surprisingly dim when it came to general discussion on subjects other than connected to his work life. Nice fella in a lot of ways though so if a comfortable lifestyle was all that someone aspired to in life he'd be good for that, but attention in other ways would always be lacking.

Yes, I would judge a woman for the same.

TBH I don’t necessarily think that he’s a habitual cheat Or an abuser,more that he jumps into relationships and becomes too over committed before he realises that he shouldn’t be. I know women like this as well.They’re not necessarily bad people,but I would still urge caution to anyone wanting to get involved.

@AllTheWhoresOfMalta 😂😂

Considering what you are looking for from the relationship I would see how it goes.

That sounds flimsy.... Divorce is a huge thing. You don’t just get marry, have kids etc and wake up one morning thinking: argh she’s not the right one after all. Even if you did.... 3 times? Also doesn’t hold if the 4th partner dumped him and also not so long ago..... I’d be very careful about the love bombing too and would really want to know why his marriages failed.

We got as far as dtd once - just about, I'd say as was hard to tell. OMG, won't detail, but he was never going to be satisfying in the bedroom, and had obviously not learnt any compensation techniques, so I can understand why his focus had been his career all his life

😂😂😂I think I dated him as well!

Given your requirements I don’t see a problem, just don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

I don’t understand posters who say ‘there are plenty of men to date, why have you picket this one?’

Umm have they tried dating over 40?? There seriously aren’t loads of suitable men.

If the genders were the other way round in this example would people be so judgemental?

Frankly, yes.

I have no time for hot messes, either as female or male friends, or as male romantic partners.

My guiding principle is that people never exclude you from their worst traits - so a man who cheats on his wife would be an unreliable friend also, a woman who is sloppy and lazy at work is likely to treat her friendships the same way etc.

My friends aren't prefect, no one is, but I have no time for the persistent fuck ups of the world. I'm not here to fix anybody. My relationships are 'us against the world', not 'us against your insurmountable personality failings'. Works for me.

I wouldnt necessarily see it as a reason not to go out with him, but i definitely wouldnt marry him or have children

This. ^

Are you deciding about whether to 'go out' with him or to have a sexual relationship? I'd leave it a good long time before allowing my feelings for him to get involved.

Sounds like fun for some outings but wouldn't you always expect him to be looking out for the next one?

I would be wary, but wouldn't give up just yet! You say you aren't looking for marriage or children, so what have you got to lose? It seems his marriages were of a decent length, and to be honest if they were relationships rather than marriages no-one would think anything of it. Go with your instincts rather than the opinions of the man haters on MN. Good luck.

My aunt was the fourth wife of a man who was charming at first. They got divorced after 3 kids aged under 5 and he married a 5th time to his first wife (if that makse sense). My aunt said that eventually he'd work his way around to marry her again.

he ahd 6 in the end (as far as I know.)

I agree with others.... it sounds like (at best) he gets swept up in the romamce, but the day to day realities of relaitonships are not for him.

@madcatladyforever....."calm down love".....imagine I said that on here, as a guy, I would be linched! How patronising.

I appreciate you have spent time in refuges but that has nothing to do with the problem OP faces. Why bring the possibility of violence into this when nothing said by OP has alluded to that at all. Its just an opportunity to assume men are violent.

I'm perfectly calm by the way.

Three divorces usually means the person has commitment issues. I have had 3 divorces myself and cannot hack relationships. Which is why I stay well away from them lol.

He sounds like a bit of a Peter Pan - an eternal boy with commitment issues. If he weren't so hell-bent on romanticising everything and wanting to marry then he might have been a good match for your needs, but he is the worst of both, unfortunately - commitment issues with the need to commit.