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Original poster

He's had three divorces.....avoid?

241 replies

user1467480231 · 07/05/2020 08:41

Have met a very charming man, however he has been divorced 3 times and at the end of last year his then partner (who he had his fourth child with) dumped him.
In all other ways he seems lovely, although I'm taking things EXTREMELY slow.
Thoughts?

OP posts:
searchaway · 07/05/2020 12:06

Love bombing is a red flag. Saying things like “I never met the right woman” is a red flag. If he’d never been married at all, then a comment like never met the right woman is appropriate. To say it after getting married 3 times is wrong, weird, disrespectful and worrying. So he’s saying he lied? He said vows 3 times and promised things that he didn’t mean? That shows lack of maturity and lack of responsibility. He’s a bad bet to be honest. Surely there has to be somebody more decent out there

wheretonow123 · 07/05/2020 12:07

OP, I suppose that it depends on what you want out of the relationship with him. If its a bit of fun with the possibility of it getting more serious over time then fair enough. But if you want a committed relationship and if time is not on your side hen probably best to avoid.

dottiedodah · 07/05/2020 12:07

How old are you ? If he is 56 then he has certainly "been round the block a bit" I would be careful here ,so many red flags showing up ! I would wager you are a good bit younger, and he seems to be a bit of a player really. When we come out of Lockdown ,maybe speak to him about it .However you may just get "my wife never understood me" about 3 times over ! Only you can decide ,but I would not be looking at any kind of future with this guy Im afraid!

EarlGreyT · 07/05/2020 12:08

With the early love bombing, charmer, and his track record, I’m predicting he’s a bit narcy.

Me too. That’s what I was getting at in my post above.

Or as a PP says Especially as you describe him as ‘charming’ which is quite often the pleasant side of the manipulative coin

sunglasses123 · 07/05/2020 12:11

I guess he is 40 plus. I always think look at what he has done before to assess what he will do in the future. He must be wealthy if he can support such a large number of relationships. Or are the tax payers supporting. Having kids with so many different women must be costing a fortune.

RUN AND DONT LOOK BACK

Standrewsschool · 07/05/2020 12:13

“ however I was looking for company and possible trips away etc.”

So you view him as a friend with benefits?

ILuvQuarintinis · 07/05/2020 12:18

I have to add that I think the 6 year old child at 56 adds a different perspective to my previous view . Was it a planned child do you know ?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 07/05/2020 12:20

Although 'love bombing' as it gets called on here CAN be a sign of a wrong 'un - it isn't always.

My partner utterly love bombed me when we first met and there were also the (despised by MN) huge declarations of love too - didn't know what on earth was happening I was so swept off my feet. We also had a number of broken relationships and a couple of marriages behind us too.

Yet, here we are still together 16 years later - in our late 50s - married for 4 years in a loving (although not in such an adrenaline pumping way) and committed relationship. Love bombing and declarations of love aren't ALWAYS red flags. And it was true for us that neither of us had met the right person.

Rabblemum · 07/05/2020 12:20

He’s probably an immature romance, wedding and love addict. He may like the high and attention of a wedding but when he realises the women who he marries aren’t perfect or marriage gets boring he runs. Maybe have some fun but be very ready to get out. Personally I couldn’t take someone who broke that many promises that many times seriously.

PinkMonkeyBird · 07/05/2020 12:26

With that many failed marriages behind him, it would be a no for me.

Branleuse · 07/05/2020 12:29

My mum has had 3 failed marriages but been with her partner now for 20 years.
Ive had 3 failed long term relationships. I think its fair to give people a chance if you click with them, especially if theres no hard feelings with his exes.

Electrical · 07/05/2020 12:30

OP has said he is 56, why are people still asking what age he is? Read the thread. You can change your settings so it’s all on one long page.

Inkpaperstars · 07/05/2020 12:32

Avoid.

Thisismytimetoshine · 07/05/2020 12:35

You can change your settings so it’s all on one long page
I can only have 100 posts per page??

Lovemusic33 · 07/05/2020 12:39

Run for the hills 🤣
One divorce is ok....2 is a bit iffy....3? Surely all 3 of his wives couldn’t have been to blame, there must be something he’s doing wrong?

The first line of your post made me cringe, I bet he’s charming, I’m sure his wives thought that too when he reeled them in.

Gutterton · 07/05/2020 12:40

He has only just come out of a marriage with a young child. But has spent 9 months in Relate - was that with the xW who cheated on him? Anyone who that HAPPENED TO - would not be love bombing and gushing to someone new so soon. At 48 with grown kids - I would not relish the prospect of raising someone else’s 6 year old for well over a decade by when the Dad is 70 and I am 60!

Thisismytimetoshine · 07/05/2020 12:46

I've just re read your original post, op. He was with his last partner until the end of last year?
We've been in lockdown since March, how much time have you actually spent with him that you could be confused as to why four women have let him get away?

Leflic · 07/05/2020 12:50

I’m not sure it’s such at issue over 50.

You don’t have to live with him and you won’t be having kids together, which are the main reasons you need to trust someone when younger.

Also my DH is in the theatre business (technical) and quite frankly the nature of the job means divorce is rife.They’re away a lot, work odd hours, jobs come up suddenly so it’s impossible to plan anything.

I’m not sold on the gushing either. I like straightforward honesty but it’s nice to hear sometimes even if you suspect it’s not entirely true.

LovelyO · 07/05/2020 13:03

I would say avoid. Yes there's a tiny chance that he was just unlucky and all 3 of his wives were abusive/terrible, but the likelier probability is it's him. Even if it was the women that were all bad, there's something amiss in his judgement if he decides to commit to spending his life with women like that, not once but 3 times.

It's so much easier to leave in this phase (when he's being "nice" where you're not emotionally invested) compared to afterwards when you begin to trust him strongly, and his bad traits come out.

Unless you can speak to 3 of his ex-wives and ask why they've all ended, I definitely wouldn't pursue it any further.

P.S all womanizers, narcisstics and insecure people often come across incredibly over the top nice - when that mask slips, it really slips.

TatianaBis · 07/05/2020 13:06

I don’t think you need to avoid him you just need to proceed with caution.

He’s basically had 2 divorces and a youthful mistake.
The love-bombing needs keeping an eye on.

But Kate Winslet is on her 3rd marriage and she seems very happy and settled.

AlternativePerspective · 07/05/2020 13:08

I’ve been thinking about this more and IMO one of the problems is that he’s been married three times. If he hadn’t actually been married then people would be less inclined to judge.

I think several children with several different partners would be the more likely reason for me to not want to be involved,and TBH I don’t think that women who have several kids by different men are any less contentious.

I have a family member who jumps straight into long-term commitment and has made some questionable choices as a result. Truth is that he’s one of these people who just can’t be on his own.But his first wife left him after a matter of weeks because she’d been holding on to be married so she’d have a legal entitlement to his money. Second partner left him for someone else who she had sleeping in her bed with her and their three year old within weeks, and he’s now been married for several years.But I have little doubt that if this marriage failed, or indeed if she died he would find a new relationship pretty quickly. He’s not a bad person, he just falls far too far too fast.

I still wouldn’t actively get involved with a man who had four kids, even one with four kids by the same woman actually, but I wouldn’t be quick to just assume he was an abuser. Not all men are, contrary to what some on MN seem to think.

lynsey91 · 07/05/2020 13:27

Yes I would judge a woman the same way. One divorce - okay marriages break down. Two divorces and I would not be interested and certainly any more than that just makes a mockery of marriage.

Ithinkthis · 07/05/2020 13:28

Hmm there is a possibility he hasn’t done anything wrong and the previous divorces have been the fault of the other person. But when the number goes as high as his you do think he must have made some mistakes to infection all the break ups

Axcde · 07/05/2020 13:41

There is a pretty unanimous view on the thread.
Why become the 5th dumpee!

The odds are against happiness and a fulfilling relationship.
He either can't put his partners interests up there with his, or he bails at the first sign of trouble.

You know the answer.
Fuck him off, don't fuck him.

EileenAlanna · 07/05/2020 13:50

I'd be interested in knowing more about his financial position, whether or not he's a home owner etc. Has the split with his last partner had an impact on his own living arrangements or is it likely to now that he'll be paying child support for his youngest? The relationship only ended a few months ago & he certainly seems very pro-active in looking for another one. Is this necessity-driven at all?
I'd be cautious about the love bombing quickly becoming a I can't bear to be apart from you so I stay at your home every opportunity I get situation. Even the most die hard charmers have a vague understanding that they've got a sell by date & at 56 he might have an inkling that he's at/passed his own. What was the age gap between him & his most recent partner? He's no spring chicken but he might still hold firmly to the belief that "being charming" is a form of currency that buys him your financial stability.
I think you're right to take it slowly, especially if he's not in a position to support himself & a 6 year old.