He's had three divorces.....avoid?

[user1467480231]

Have met a very charming man, however he has been divorced 3 times and at the end of last year his then partner (who he had his fourth child with) dumped him.
In all other ways he seems lovely, although I'm taking things EXTREMELY slow.
Thoughts?

He clearly hasn’t learned any lessons if his 4th partner dumped him after having a baby - no signs of having fixed the problem (which smells like serial infidelity). Is he Boris?

He’s never found the right woman? Why does he keep getting married then?

@user1467480231

He seems to suggest that he never found the right woman

Then why does he keep marrying and procreation with them?

Jemima - I too cannot fathom the need for marriage.

Oh and can I just add, please please don’t be the fool who falls for believing you’re the one who changed the whole game for him!

He’s never felt this way before about anyone else.

He feels different about you, it’s special.

He can really see a future of growing older with you.

Etc etc etc. Imagine seeing a drunken playboy in a bar, literally working the room of women, giving the same cliche chat up lines and superficial charm. Now imagine watching him trying it on you, after he’s done it to at least 4 other women in the bar, and you’re lapping it all up. How do you feel you look??

Another one who thinks run.

Avoid. My Aunt was a 4th wife to a charming man whose marriages ended because wife one cheated, his working abroad ended two and three....turned out none of that was true and the answer lay with him and the same issue ended his marriage to my dear Aunt.

There are plenty of fish.

My new partner has been divorced twice. Once at 20 after an impulsive marriage and once at 38 and has been to counselling to understand why and his part and has taken steps to improve himself. Even this is a big gamble but I figure better than a divorced man who hasn't done anything to reflect or grow and therefore likely to make the same mistakes or fall into the same patterns.

I know someone who got divorced three times. He’s generally a good man but a crap husband. It takes a special kind of person to make a relationship work with someone like that. So special he’s current engaged to wife number five.

Couple of red flags here. Bushing live comments and the three divorces. I would run a mile

Gushing! Not bushing

I’d consider context. How long were the relationships and over what period did the divorces occur. We’re there also relationships in between? I’m divorced after a 20 year relationship and likely to get married again soon.

I have 2 divorces and my fiance 1 divorce. Our relationship is awesome. My exes were abusive etc and that's why I am not with them. I'm certainly glad my fiance didn't think "two ex husbands ill avoid her"!

The Gift of Fear book says to charm is an active choice. He recommends you ask yourself why? Why is this reason putting such effort into charming me? Generally, what are they trying to smokescreen?
I'd also recommend looking into lovebombing. Hence all the gushing comments.
Or maybe save yourself the heartache and go start for Why Does He Do That by Bancroft Lundy he'll explain if for you. It's free online as a PDF

From a guys perspective if I met a woman who had been divorced 3 times, had just got out of a relationship and just had another child I would certainly be cautious and it probably would out me off so I don't blame you OP for being very wary.

That said, talk to him and ask questions. There maybe reasons for it. Its unlikely but he may have a really bad judge of who to settle down with and just picked the wrong people to marry.....it does happen.

Be cautious, don't get too invested and ask questions. If you don't like the answers then leave.

First marriage at 20. That only lasted a nano second. Other two marriages were about 12 year or so each. He's 56 years old now.

I wouldn't date him. He sounds too much too soon even without all the divorces. He may be charming but is a serial shagger and has left a bit of a trail of destruction in his wake no matter how he paints it.

Admittedly, I have been quite surprised with the gushing love comments (we've never been intimate other than one kiss)

How long have you been seeing him for and how quickly did these comments start? That might be a clue as to why he is three times divorced, especially given he seems so utterly wonderful right now.

Also, how do you know he is on good terms with his ex-wives and supports his kids well, and that he was the one being dumped? If your only source of information about all this is him I'd take it with a pinch of salt. No-one has that amount of bad luck, surely?

It sounds like he is love bombing you. Read about narcissistic personality as charming, love bombing, future faking is part of the disorder. It's hard being a single mum and his latest ex has chosen this over a life with him, so yes you're right to be wary

Well the divorces certainly are red flags, but I suppose it depends on what you want out of this relationship?

It sounds like you're both older so I assume you're not looking to have any kids with him or anyone? Would you like to get married in the future?

If no to both then could you keep this fun and casual or would you get too emotionally involved and let him break your heart?

Would you be happy with an open relationship and be able accept that he probably struggles with fidelity?

Those were my thoughts yesterday

It’s the fact he has recently made the same mistake again with another child involved that’s the deal breaker for me.

I always think it’s a shame you can’t get people’s relationship history from the perspective of the people they were involved with - I know it’s impossible but other big life investments you usually have more information, you wouldn’t buy a mattress these days without reading reviews.

I have a couple of friends who have been married and divorced 3 times. They are genuinely lovely people and both now in happy, settled relationships (neither wish to get married again) with other people. In both cases the first marriage was when they were young and they outgrew it, subsequent marriages they left due to abuse/cheating.

So I'd find out a bit more about why all the divorces first!

Not seen him at all during lockdown of course, but letters and phone calls are always gushing.
I just wondered if he was like my ex husband who "needed" to be with someone straight away as he hated being alone.
I've been on my own for 4 years now and have been perfectly happy.

The thing is people DO learn as they get older - I know I have as has my current H . Those very failures can be what it needs to make you realise your part in those past relationships. I know I am way more careful in what comes out of my mouth now.

I’m sorry this is no help but this immediately make me think of Friends where Ross (three divorces, three divorces) is asking a group of women if they would date him despite his three divorces
I would discount the first marriage as he was young (although that doesn’t mean anything lots of successful marriages begin young) but the fact he’s had two fairly long term marriages fail is a bit worrying. If you really like him just take it slow and don’t rush, there’s no need to rush. He is older so if you wanted kids etc and he didn’t perhaps you’d be better off looking for someone younger as I would be reluctant to rush into something serious with his history and if kids are on the cards for you that means potentially having children with someone in his sixties. No judgment at all for people who do this but it’s definitely something to consider.