Thread 2 ow/emotional affair/pregnant

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi @Bunnyfuller I'm a way I could almost forgive a physical affair more? If it has just been emotional (for the moment) then that just shows the pull she has on him.

I always wanted two children. So did my H at some point when he was happy. I know this new addition isn't going to fix anything. I think part of me just thought well maybe he's going along with it because he does want me. But I'm thinking now it's more because I went on and on about wanting another. Which explains that message I found saying to her that there are things going on that mean trouble for him.

Do I want to call her? Yes. Because I know if I tell her I'm pregnant it will hurt her and she will go. I'm stopping myself though because what I've learnt is I have forced my hand too much in this situation. He needs to make these steps not me. He obviously cares very much about losing her. It's almost like he's protecting her more

How can you even look at his spineless, weaselly, lying face anymore? You are worth so, so much more OP.
God, I hate him on your behalf.

How are you remaining so calm? I'd confront the disloyal bastard now (after taking screenshots and getting copies of all paperwork). I think its also time to burst her bubble too. I bet he's told her you no longer have sex. I think she maybe needs to hear she's not as special as she thinks she is too.

op - waiting until after the birth of this baby is just going to make the inevitable harder to do.

go now - spend your maternity leave with people who genuinely do care about you and for you.

i get why your husband would have declared that he wouldn't put his children through the trauma of a divorce, but life gets in the way of everybody's plans - we adjust.

in your current situation, you're going to end up with 5 miserable people, 2 of whom will have no control over the situation. who knows what sort of relationship examples they'll be taking into their adult lives.

my DW is from a household that would have been better off split but stuck together "for her sake". as a result, she carries horrific amounts of guilt for the unhappiness of her parents. even though it wasn't ever her choice!

don't do that to your children.

@Beefcurtains79 your screen name gave me a much needed laugh, thank you

@NewNewt I'm not calm at all, I'm screenshotting everything.

Also in regards to the having sex situation, I hate the woman but she's not dumb. I'm sure she's aware even the unhappiest of couples still have sex. He's not putting off telling her because of that, it's incase he loses her because if he didnt care then he'd of just text her and said my wife is pregnant again for he'd have just pressed a button on his phone to make her go away. But yes it's hard to look at him. He called her special

Hi @DiscontinuedModelHusband yes I agree with what you're saying. I'm just trying to take one step at a time

I'm sure she's aware even the unhappiest of couples still have sex. That really isn't me experience or that of my friends. I reckon it's possible she assumes not. I have friends who's husbands had actual physical affair and told the OWs that, even though it was untrue (they though they were happy and were carrying on as normal). Maybe telling her would get her to realise he still has ties with you and at least get her out of the picture so you two could work this through one way or another?

@NewNewt what that unhappy couples don't have sex? Well we aren't happy and we've still had sex. Not recently, but still.

But surely if he wanted her out of the way, he wouldn't have ever kept her number, let alone got back intouch and saying how special she is? I was naive at the beginning of this thread, I'm not now..he clearly doesn't want her out the way

@NewNewt and the fact he wants to tell her this so she can hear how 'genuine he sounds' says enough to me. Look at the effort he is going to with her. I can't stick my head in the sand anymore about his feelings for her, it's pretty clear

He's a disgrace, I couldn't help myself I would blow it all up and tell her everything! She's fucking with a married man and he's treating you horribly whilst you carry his baby?
Couldn't do it I'd get it all out there, why should you sit back quietly suffering whilst this continues?
They are in their little affair bubble, ugh I'm furious for you!

Hi @Trichford so good to see you. Yes I'm devastated and I am really angry (despite what some posters on her may think) is just trying to keep some what of a level head.

This latest update isn't good I know. I even thought for a second oh maybe he just wants to apologise to her and then be done with her but then my rational brain (which is returning) tells me it's not that

You do realise he will lie about how you got pg? That he was drunk and doesnt remember having sex with you or that you told him you were on the pill and werent, or even that he's thinking it might not be his. There will be something like that.

OP - Looking at your situation from the sidelines - it’s clear that he doesn’t love her and doesn’t have any intentions of leaving.
All he is trying to do is to keep her around, for a bit of side entertainment/excitement.
She clearly wants more, but if he wanted the same - he’d have left already.
And - he could have so easily have fed her the usual line of - ‘I love you but can’t leave my child’ etc.
Instead he called her special. You fi are on that word unnecessarily. It’s not what a woman who asks a man - if he had feelings for her (implying that she does) - not what would make the woman happy at all. Its the answer of - no feelings you are hoping for; no leaving W for our new relationship; but I’d like to keep you arising for something maybe one day.

So - he isn’t leaving. And she would be gone pretty soon after this and when she hears about new baby, which she will, eventually. Single women don’t wait around for men in this situation.
And in your place - I’d just focus on the near near future with the kids, and figure things out a bit later.
He is just having a fantasy. A crush. And affair wanna-be that never materialised and will never do.

Hi @MMmomDD that's an interesting perspective, thank you. I'd agree that it was just some stupid pathetic crush if this had been going on a few months.

It seems this has been going on for almost three years with only a few months break (and not a real break as there was never a deletion/block).

It's more than some fantasy. I wish it wasn't and maybe that's why I'm in so much pain, because his actions are clear to me

It’s not ideal I know , but have you thought about what you will do if things just continue, as they have for the last 3 years . I agree that if he really wanted to have left , after this long , he would be gone . At the same time if he wanted her gone to work on your marriage , he’d have got rid of her . He has no direction or assertion in his life . Totally agree I dont know how you put up him . His utter weakness and piss poor morality would have most women kicking him out long long ago , you’ve been incredibly patient .
Would you ever consider just accepting this as a fantasy thing he has going on in his head ,and ignoring it . It’s not for everyone , I couldn’t do it , but I know of someone ( not exactly a friend ), who was in a fairly similar situation . She was like Fuck it , I like my life, I’m not going anywhere , so just carried on with OW lurking in background. ( in her case I think she was reluctant to give up her very comfortable lifestyle ). Last I heard they were still together , with OW still in background . As I say , not for everyone , but everyone is different . Who is anyone else to judge

There is life after a relationship fails, so much life. When you're in these hurting places you don't see it, you see the trees up close instead of the glorious forest or the waves instead of the ocean.

Be more, live more.

@Cupcakesaregood

OP - but the fact that is has been this long - with long breaks and nothing much other than communications via text means exactly that. It’s never been a real affair in real life. He had lots of time to leave and start a relationship with her. He didn’t and never will.
It was always an escape, and a crush. A fantasy of another life unencumbered by daily grind of having small kids. Not some deep feelings. He would have left otherwise.

And as I said - for a single available young woman - there is absolutely no reason to hang around for years and wait for a guy with two young children. Who isn’t even telling her about his undying love/difficult circumstances, or asking her to wait for him.
She is most likely flattered by his crush, but not putting her life on hold for him.

What you do with this all is up to you really. You have two small children to raise. In your place - I’d focus on that for now - it’s hard enough as it is. No man is worth as much headspace and/or should have this much impact on your wellbeing. Have your baby, make sure he does his fair share at this most difficult bit of child rearing. When kids are a little bit older - take stock of how you feel and what you want in life.

@MMmomDD @Emeeno1 @Dontletitbeyou all I know for absolutely sure right now is that if he wanted her gone, he'd have done so, like you said don't let it.

I don't want to be in a marriage that requires an OW. If you're in a happy marriage, there is no OW/OM.

And if he was happy, she wouldn't exist in his life let alone him clearly shitting himself about telling her because I think he knows there is a high chance he will lose her. So rather than just text and say my wife is pregnant, he has said to her that he needs to put it in a voice message so she hears how genuine he is, IE that he's not happy and hopes she will stay.

These aren't the actions of a man who just has a crush

Of course he’d like her to stay around - it’s called having the cake and eating it. 🤷🏻‍♀️
And of course she won’t.

If you want to kick him out over this - do so. Just make a decision and go for it.
As it is - you seem to be going in rounds and obsessing about details and words he uses in communication with her. It’s no way to live.

It’s really good that you know your boundaries , and what works for you . Now all that’s left is to make sure your DH understands this . You’re not ready at this moment in time , what with the pregnancy and that’s fine , there’s no right or wrong . However at some point he needs to know he has to end this BS , and the very first time you see he has got back in touch with her , it’s game over and you will be leaving . Either that or this situation will just continue to drag on and on , which seems to be his preference . It’s so very unfair on you and your DC .

Dontletitbeyou i'm not sure i agree that there's "no right or wrong".

how can bringing a new baby into this dysfunctional, unhappy environment be considered right?

the only circumstance in which that might be the case, is if DH is completely open and honest about what's happened so far, fully commits to making the relationship better and demonstrates his commitment to this through his actions.

i don't believe he's done any of these things, and shows absolutely no sign of doing so.

the opposite in fact.

Eh @discontinuedmodelhusband breaking up a relationship and family when you're heavily pregnant, unsure about finances, accommodation, support etc is not an easy prospect to consider. It's up to OP who after all will need some time to physically recover after pregnancy and birth.

@Cupcakesaregood I've followed your threads but not commented because I didn't feel I could offer constructive advice in the way that the others have. Just to say I think from the sounds of your tone in these latest updates you have already detached a bit from him? A new baby is joyous, busy and tumultuous but also the opportunity to form a new social circle, a new support network - in short a new life for yourself and your kids that doesn't revolve around your husband's fantasy life.
I wish you well.

Hi @wasnotwasweregood thank you for reading my thread. Yes at the beginning I was highly anxious and some amazing posters on here have really helped me..I was fixated on the number because it was a link to her and not knowing whether or not he was ever going to use it was hell (even though I knew deep down he was going to) - the posters on here haven't always told me what I've wanted to hear but they've been honest which is so important.
It's not that I've detached myself emotionally from him, it's just as other people have said, he's not making the commitment to me so rather than sit worrying about it anymore I'm trying my best to stay as calm as possible :) thank you for being lovely and never Ben worried about posting, I'm honestly so grateful for any comments good or bad

Hi @DiscontinuedModelHusband agreed. The only way I see it is this - if he were truely committed to me and wanted to make our marriage work, she would no longer exist in his life and every time would be cut

You are right. He isn't committed. He is half in and half out.

This will never get better until he leaves you for someone else and finally gives you peace. It will be the best thing he ever did for you. It will set you free from his lying spineless ways.