Thread 2 ow/emotional affair/pregnant

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi @Bunnyfuller I'm a way I could almost forgive a physical affair more? If it has just been emotional (for the moment) then that just shows the pull she has on him.

I always wanted two children. So did my H at some point when he was happy. I know this new addition isn't going to fix anything. I think part of me just thought well maybe he's going along with it because he does want me. But I'm thinking now it's more because I went on and on about wanting another. Which explains that message I found saying to her that there are things going on that mean trouble for him.

Do I want to call her? Yes. Because I know if I tell her I'm pregnant it will hurt her and she will go. I'm stopping myself though because what I've learnt is I have forced my hand too much in this situation. He needs to make these steps not me. He obviously cares very much about losing her. It's almost like he's protecting her more

Hi @Flittingabout you're right, except he's only half in with me because he's too scared to leave. It's not out of love

It's such a sad situation. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

@Cupcakesaregood I've followed your threads for a long time and occasionally posted and just wanted to say that you are amazing.

You have received some real tough love messages in this thread - you've listened to them, taken them on board and even taken the time to thank people for them. I think it's because you know we're all rooting for you but it must still have been very difficult on occasion and you have been courageous in coming back to update the thread and receive more such messages.

FWIW, I'm completely with the posters who think your H is actually behaving really badly and the sooner you're shot of him the better. You should be able to depend unquestioningly on his love but in fact it sounds like he never properly committed to your marriage and it would be much better for you emotionally, in the longterm, if he would just go and save you the trouble of having to push him out the door.

But he's apparently unwilling to do that and I also understand that you feel hugely vulnerable right now with a toddler and a baby on the way and that if you are to end the marriage it needs to be done in your time and when it feels right for you. So it may be several months or a few years even before you feel able to take the necessary steps. And that's fine - it's your life and you have to do what's right for you.

@Flittingabout thank you

Hi @Dery it's nice to see some of the original posters hope you're well. Well, I know I haven't been easy as you know my anxiety was sky high at the beginning of this thread and I'm so grateful to you and others for helping me.

Yes this latest development has really pushed me. saying she is special to him and that he wants her in his life - it just shows how committed he is to me

Many of us are still there and rooting for you, I think @Cupcakesaregood! But some posters are taking the lead on posting and expressing everything so well that mostly there isn't anything to add. It is your H's loss.

Hi everyone. I'm not sure what happened, I tried posting but I don't think it worked, clearly technology and I are not friends!

How are you all? I hope you are all coping with the lockdown. First of all I wanted to say thank you so much, I've come back on here to messages of people checking in. I have always come on here for a good dose of honesty and I'm greatful for that. I have found this a very safe space in a time of need.

I did think twice about posting, just because I'm sure to some of you, you'll think I'm focusing on the wrong thing or I haven't done anything about my situation. I just want to say now that I have looked at future options, but please remember I have a new little baby to think about before people say leave/divorce him.

So, I'm back. I haven't been off here because I've been happy, I think it was the weight of lockdown, everything. We have a new addition to the family and she is wonderful. So, my situation. My H has been working from home and he knows I watch him, (not healthy, I know). And when he has been 'online' on whatsapp and it hasn't been to me, I quiz him.
I saw a couple of messages from him to her. She still has NO IDEA that I was pregnant, let alone had our baby. Why on earth hasn't he told her?
To be honest I said nothing about those messages because some other things happened, he thought he might lose his job (he didn't) but as it was probably the same for others, it was touch and go for a little while so I pushed those messages to the back of my mind.
He has barely been on his phone and I think it's because I almost caught him texting her and last night while he was downstairs I checked his whatsapp and she's still there.
Obviously I'm going to ask the question and please don't be mad at me - but surely if it was over the number would be gone and the fact he hasn't told her, is that because he doesn't care enough about to tell her? Or is it the opposite? That he cares enough that he doesn't want to lose her?
Anyway it will be nice to hear from you all

I'm not going to go mad at you. I've been here since your very first thread about this (under a different name!) and have felt so badly for you that you've struggled with this for so long.

You know the answer already and no amount of people telling you the truth (that he isn't fully invested in your relationship and doesn't want to give up contact with her because he likes the attention she gives him and finds her an attractive proposition) would change your mind.

So I don't think it's worth me saying it all again, even though I must admit it's frustrating from the outside as it's been the same question and same answer for so very long.

But I do wish you well and hope that eventually you find the strength to move on and maybe meet someone who IS fully invested in you and doesn't disrespect your relationship. Who you won't feel you need to watch or check up on. People like that exist, I promise.

Stay safe, I do think of you often which I know sounds weird but I just wish someone could snap you out of wishing things were different so you can accept the reality and stop living in this no man's land that isn't making you happy.

Much love

Hi @youvegottenminuteslynn your screen name made me laugh, my mum is called Lynn and I often say this to her!

Yes, I knew coming back on here may stir up some frustration and I honestly have looked at my other options. I don't know I didn't come on here wanting a different answer like oh it's over he's just keeping it for no reason, I'm not that naive, I guess I came on here for people to tell me he's not deleted her because he cares about her. I don't know I feel like hearing the truth from other people gives me a push if that makes sense.
And that's so kind that I've been in your thoughts, I hope you're well

Tell her you have a new addition. So what if he gets mad, you’re not lying and you do not have to protect his feelings- he certainly hasn’t protected yours. If he huffs and puffs and decides he wants to leave- let him go! Sort out legal s, maintenance etc.. You need to put you and your kids first. The gloss of his affair will diminish with time and he will have to live with the consequences- but as long as you and your kids are ok- wouldn’t give him a second thought.

Hi @Maze76 yeah like I said, I've looked into my options. To be honest I don't want to tell her. Because I know it will hurt her, but not as much as it would hurt her coming from my husband so I want it to be him. I know that sounds nasty but it's just how I feel. Am I stupid in thinking that while she is still on his phone that it's still not over, even if they aren't speaking right now?

Of course it's not over OP, because they're still in touch. Whatever 'it' is doesn't matter at this point - whether it's a sporadic chat between them, emotionally charged conversations or sexting - what matters is that your relationship has been irreparably damaged and your trust in him is (rightly) gone.

You're going to drive yourself mad. The only thing thats 100% clear is that he doesn't want to lose touch with her. Maybe he will delete her details at some point, maybe he won't. But he doesn't want to do it proactively. That should be enough information for you to know where you stand. You are going to make yourself ill.

@youvegottenminuteslynn you're right. I don't think he will delete it because this has been going on since 2017.

Mentally I'm alright (surprisingly) I've been had some online therapy which has actually helped and also being on here too. Really the only thing I don't understand is why he hasn't told her. If he wanted her gone, that would be the easiest way. Instead he just seems to go silent with her for a few weeks then go back to her. I looked at him the other night and you can tell even by looking at him it's obviously weighing on him so am I being dumb in thinking it would make his life easier.

@youvegottenminuteslynn sorry pressed send to quickly but yeah that's really the only thing I can't get my head around

Yes he doesn't want to cut contact with her. So at this point you either need to leave him (which I believe is the right thing to do as this genuinely is such an unhealthy dynamic) or I guess stay with him knowing he wants her in his life (and doesn't want to let her know you are pregnant / recently gave birth / anything else that makes it clear you're together) and likely harbours feelings towards her, which he may act on if she was to want him to.

I couldn't bear to live that way and I think it's going to be death by a thousand papercuts for you if I'm honest. You have full agency over your life. You sharing a child doesn't mean you have to share a home and a life together regardless of how unhappy or unloved you feel.

Hi OP. I remember your thread from April/May and it was heartbreaking to read. I never felt I could post a reply because it seemed you weren't ready to face the truth, which is completely understandable given what you were going through and the fact there wasn't really a concrete line or nail in the coffin per se as to what he has done.
What is concrete however is that every single time you have asked him to stop, he hasn't.
I agree with @youvegottenminuteslynn with the two options. You can accept you are SO MUCH better and stronger than this and leave and then you never have to deal with this conflict ever again, or you live with the fact that he has chosen his "relationship" (which is basically FA at the point) over your happiness and marriage, and carry on as you are, which I think is breaking you, and would break me too if I was going through this.

Hi @reservoircats thanks for posting. Mentally I'm in a better place than what I was (which may come as a surprise as I'm still posting) but I really am. The therapist that I saw said she understands that I need to take one section of this at a time. I have assessed my options which back in may I couldn't face doing but I have been looking at what they are and taking stock of them. Please post, your comment means a lot as do anyonelse who posts on here. It helps me enormously!

Congratulations on your baby.

I don't understand is why he hasn't told her. If he wanted her gone, that would be the easiest way.

Except he doesn't want her gone...that's why he hasn't told her.

In the nicest possibly way....you can ask this question on as many different relationships websites as there are and you'll get the same responses....which you have.

Even your very latest question has been asked and answered.

Focus on you kids and think about the future you want for yourself.

Congratulations once again.

Hi @SandyY2K thank you for the well wishes.

Yes I just don't understand why he goes silent with her for periods of time. It gets my hopes up that maybe he's over her but then everything points to him not knowing how to tell her, does that make sense?

Nice to hear from you

It doesn't matter why he is silent with her it matters that sometimes he isn't

I forgot to congratulate you OP on your daughter. Apologies.
These questions that you ask, like why hasn't he deleted her number etc. Have you ever thought to write them down on a piece of paper, tell your husband you would like to ask him a few things, and then slide the piece of paper to him calmly and let him answer? If you found out the answers to these questions, would that help you make your decision about leaving him? Or would it make no difference?

@reservoircats thank you, that's really kind.
I have thought about it, a few weeks ago I think I almost caught him speaking to her and I almost did it then but I didn't. I don't know, I couldn't. I feel like I want to get the reasons straight in my head (ie the questions I ask on here) so that if he lies to me when I do confront him I can have rational comebacks if that makes sense? I don't know it's just how I work, I've always been very methodical, even before all of this happened

@reservoircats if I'm completely honest hearing the rational reasons from you guys makes more sense than my own head at the moment which is maybe why I ask and to be honest it makes me think about leaving

@Cupcakesaregood that totally makes sense OP. I think we have all tried to help you with these reasons. Maybe you need to figure out what in your head is an acceptable answer and what isn't, and then when you do ask these questions to him, his answers will make your decision for you.

I will say that you shouldn't have to be going through this. You should be enjoying the time spent with your children, whether that is by yourself or not. You will never get this time back and would hate for you to look back on this period and regret spending so much time worrying about the reasons of a man that doesn't seem to have any sort of respect for you.

I am sending you such love op. I hate that he is robbing you of this time with your newborn. You’ll look back at these precious moments with her and instead have the memories of being so anxious about him. I’m angry on your behalf for him spoiling this time for you x