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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mistake with older man coming back to bite me

455 replies

Yecats1990 · 05/05/2020 15:25

5 years ago I made a mistake with a man I worked with. I was 25 and single but he was 45 and in a relationship with a woman the same age as him (they weren't married and they both had kids but none together).
Anyway it wasn't my finest hour, he was training me in work and I found him sexy and exciting and honestly I just enjoyed the attention from an older more experienced guy. We would flirt at work and then progressed to texting, then we started to have phone sex and sent sexual videos and photos to each other, nothing ever became physical though and it wasn't an emotional affair either as we rarely spoke about anything other than sex. We had a token attempt to meet up a few times for sex but never went through with it I think we both knew the relationship was just fantasy we used for masturbation and nothing more. The whole thing lasted about 2 years.
Eventually I left the job and moved to another area and the whole thing just fizzled out (prob slightly more on my part than his)
I met a new man, got married and am now 38 wks pregnant with our first baby. My husband knows nothing about that awful decision I made back then.

Anyway the problem is 10 mins ago i received a WhatsApp message from a number I don't know with a sexual photo of me that I had sent to this man (no face in the photo but I know it was me) and a text followed which says

"Why the fuck were you sending naked photos to my partner you dirty c##t"

Then quickly followed by a "you're welcome to him f##king slut".

And now my phone keeps ringing from a private number. Im not answering obvs.

Anyway now she will know at least my first name from my WhatsApp profile and I have a profile picture up so she can search for me on Facebook.
We live at opposite ends of the country so I don't think I will run into her even after lockdown but im terrified about her getting further information about me and contacting my husband just wks before our baby arrives.

Should I tell my husband about it now and explain? Should I interact with this woman and try to explain to her? Or should I just ignore it and hope it goes away??

I was a selfish idiot back then and really regret what I did long before this woman ever contacted me. I know I deserve little sympathy here but just want opinions on what I should do

OP posts:
BrotherForBear · 06/05/2020 19:13

@ScreamingBeans completely agree with your sentiment.
Also not to be pedantic but according to the OP this man was not actually married.
Still pretty crappy to send nudes to a guy in a relationship but I think the lions share of blame lies with him.

Lightofthephoenix · 06/05/2020 21:37

The issue is that some appalling stranger is stalking the OP instead of taking it up with her appalling husband and sending her abusive communications. How to deal with that is the issue, not what she should or shouldn't have done in the past

She has taken it up with the husband, she does not believe his version of events, hence trying to contact the OP to find out the other side of the story.

noyoucannotcomein · 06/05/2020 22:23

hence trying to contact the OP to find out the other side of the story.

"Trying to contact"? Come on. She's abused and harassed the OP, without a doubt.

randomguy12 · 06/05/2020 23:05

She was understandably angry though @noyoucannotcomein

noyoucannotcomein · 06/05/2020 23:21

I understand her being angry. I don't understand how she thought harassing the OP and putting her in a state of alarm would get her anywhere, other than possibly a trip to the police station.

randomguy12 · 06/05/2020 23:23

She just found out about her husband having an affair, so I don’t think she’d be emotionally stable

ScreamingBeans · 06/05/2020 23:29

Her anger might be understandable, the way she chose to express it towards someone from whom she wants something, isn't. Most of us learn by the age of 10, that if we want something from someone else, unless we have some kind of power over them, we have to be nice to them, or at least not outright abusive to them.

I find it very surprising that a grown adult would open negotiations for something she wants -an explanation, clarity, the truth etc., but doesn't have the power to force someone to give her, in this ridiculous manner, however angry they are.

noyoucannotcomein · 06/05/2020 23:31

She just found out about her husband having an affair, so I don’t think she’d be emotionally stable

Would you take that view if she knew where to find OP and walked in and punched her?

StayinginSummer · 07/05/2020 01:14

To be honest the OP was abusive towards the woman by knowingly being sexual with her boyfriend. For two years. She hurt her and didn’t care. Knew she’d hate that to happen to her. How would OP feel if some woman cheated like that with her husband? People in glass houses...

TomNook · 07/05/2020 04:12

Before she sodding net him!!

faithfulbird · 07/05/2020 04:28

Best thing you should have done was to ignore it all and get a new phone number. Deactivated everything everywhere, given it a few months and then reactivated. You need this kind of rubbish right now or ever. The older guy shouldn't be contacting you. He needs to sort his crap out himself.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/05/2020 04:49

That's not "abusive", fuxake.
You can't throw a word like that around willy nilly, it trivialises genuine abuse to attempt to link the two. Angry

Pixieblu · 07/05/2020 05:38

She has taken it up with the husband, she does not believe his version of events, hence trying to contact the OP to find out the other side of the story

My ex cheated on me and got another girl pregnant while I was recovering from a miscarriage. I didn't give one flying fuck what she k ew or didn't know because he probably spun her some lie or another. I cared about what he had to say, because he was the one who had made a commitment to me and overstepped. She didn't owe me anything and what's to say she would be truthful.

I just dont get confronting OW or harassing them. Your partner is the one who owes you an explanation. Being g hurt does not allow you to abuse and harass other people

BrotherForBear · 07/05/2020 05:55

@StayingInSummer what a moronic thing to say. Consensual sexting with a man who has a girlfriend is not "abuse"... it's ethically not a nice thing to do but it's not even slightly abusive.
And your analogy of "people in glass houses".... by that logic this woman "Karen" deserved to be cheated on because she herself left her husband to be with Nick when he was still married so what are you even talking about?

BraveGoldie · 07/05/2020 12:12

OP, I think you have handled this really well - taking responsibility for the original thing, telling your DH, handling all the responses on this thread, and sending one firm message to try to close down the harassment. While this woman sounds very unpleasant, I do also think you will feel better knowing you apologized and did not lie to her.

I hope you can put it all out of your mind now, and relax and enjoy this special time. And good luck with all the baby wonders! Daffodil

beenwhereyouare · 07/05/2020 21:03

Yecats, I really think your text to her was the best thing you could have done. You've apologized for your part, told the truth, and done so without the details. It was the kindest way to handle it. You've told your husband and will no longer have any of this hanging over you. Be glad that this happened now, before the baby gets here. Nothing to blight the future.

It's obvious you learned from what happened, and that you have no intention of doing so again. You've taken responsibility in all respects and in a mature way.

It sounds like you have a wonderful husband. You have your baby girl and and a happy future with your little family to look forward to. Good luck!

StayinginSummer · 07/05/2020 21:05

Consensual sexting with a man who has a girlfriend is not "abuse"...

What is it? I’ve had this happen to me, it was an abusive act. I was emotionally abused by ex and ow. It is Emotional abuse and I do not use that word lightly. Unlike your abusive word moronic towards me. It is Gas lighting. Feeling like you are going mad. Thinking something must be going on, but having no evidence. Not having the facts to be able to rationally decide whether or not to stay in a relationship. OW did. Ex did. I was lied to by Ex and OW knowingly sexted my husband.

The OP knowingly put another woman through that hell, and did it for two years.

You’ve no idea what the relationship with this woman was. She could have had a miscarriage during this time for all we know and then found the messages. It’s devastating.

There is only one victim here. It’s the woman betrayed. I hope to god none of you ever experience it.

BrotherForBear · 07/05/2020 21:26

StayingInSummer how the hell can you "gas light" someone you never met!!. the OP didn't know this woman she didn't lie to her or withhold information she never spoke to her at all..... this woman's partner may have done those things but the OP couldn't have because she never had any contact with this woman until this week where she apologised and told her the truth.

And this woman herself who you feel so sorry for did exactly the same thing only worse because she had an actual physical affair with Nick while he was MARRIED with kids and she herself was also married with kids.... so she's allowed to throw stones while living in a glass house in your eyes but not OP.

Your past seems to have coloured your judgement here. Bizarre logic.

browzingss · 07/05/2020 21:32

@StayinginSummer it’s infidelity, not abuse. In the kindest way possible, you are hijacking OP’s thread with your own situation and projecting. I’m sorry you’ve been cheated on but that has nothing to do with OP. You can’t throw around the term abusive for every situation, otherwise it loses its significance.

OP was wrong to send naked pics to a taken man, but she didn’t “abuse” her. The woman has sent her messages with abusive language, however.

You’re right, a partner being manipulative or gaslighting can be mentally abusive behaviour but again that has nothing to do with OP, as that would be the partner who is abusive?

StayinginSummer · 07/05/2020 21:34

StayingInSummer how the hell can you "gas light" someone you never met!! by sexting / have sex with their boyfriend for two years, knowing this woman is being lied to, is being gas lighted, and not giving a flying whatever.

You don’t have to know someone, or be someone’s actual boyfriend, to be actively lying to them and hurting them. OW are involved in the act of betrayal. They do not get a free pass just because they don’t care and don’t know them.

StayinginSummer · 07/05/2020 21:35

Emotional abuse does include cheating and this does hold up even in legal terms.

browzingss · 07/05/2020 21:43

@StayinginSummer
Who said the OW deserves a free pass? And again, I don’t disagree that the OW’s actions may hurt the “official” partner, but that is not abuse, particularly in OP’s situation. What “legal terms” are you on about - the OP wouldn’t be arrested or in any trouble for sending a nude to a consenting adult? She certainly wouldn’t be arrested for “abusing” someone by sleeping with their man?

Look, whatever you’re going through is clearly still raw for you. Maybe you should ignore this thread now because it’s obviously hurting youFlowers

StayinginSummer · 07/05/2020 23:34

Spare me the faux patronising!

If the OP had been complicit in the man physically hurting his wife, then no poster would be giving the OP sympathy here. Yet she has done exactly the same in terms of emotional abuse.

I’m just calling out those who would diminish the great harm that cheating is. Whilst I don’t condone all the messages OP received, I can understand that the massive hurt and pain would drive many woman to the brink.

So I’m saying, however the OP has resolved the situation, the OP is not the victim here. We should remember that. The OP and every other cheating situation involving lies, betrayal and sexual infidelity, are much the same in the hurt they cause. You can give practical advise to the OP without tearing down the victim, the woman’s character, and without telling the OP that she didn’t do anything wrong as the woman was either unhinged or a cheater too.

And I should be able to say that I feel that cheating is emotional abuse by those that do it, and for those that are on the receiving end, without being called a moron or being told it is in no way relevant to this thread.

SandyY2K · 08/05/2020 00:07

That text from him was sickening. He's not changed at all.

For me the pics would be enough to make a decision on the relationship if I was Karen. Whether it was physical makes little difference...because the exchange of such pics is sexual enough to decide.

BackseatCookers · 08/05/2020 00:36

@StayinginSummer

One of the main points people were making though is that the woman herself got with this guy when he was in another relationship, so your argument falls down in this scenario as she has also contributed to what you consider to be abusive behaviour herself. So by your standards she wouldn't be a victim, which is why people can't understand why you're being so defensive of her while gunning for OP. Nobody has covered themselves in glory in OP's situation, the woman messaging her included.