Mistake with older man coming back to bite me

[Yecats1990]

5 years ago I made a mistake with a man I worked with. I was 25 and single but he was 45 and in a relationship with a woman the same age as him (they weren't married and they both had kids but none together).
Anyway it wasn't my finest hour, he was training me in work and I found him sexy and exciting and honestly I just enjoyed the attention from an older more experienced guy. We would flirt at work and then progressed to texting, then we started to have phone sex and sent sexual videos and photos to each other, nothing ever became physical though and it wasn't an emotional affair either as we rarely spoke about anything other than sex. We had a token attempt to meet up a few times for sex but never went through with it I think we both knew the relationship was just fantasy we used for masturbation and nothing more. The whole thing lasted about 2 years.
Eventually I left the job and moved to another area and the whole thing just fizzled out (prob slightly more on my part than his)
I met a new man, got married and am now 38 wks pregnant with our first baby. My husband knows nothing about that awful decision I made back then.

Anyway the problem is 10 mins ago i received a WhatsApp message from a number I don't know with a sexual photo of me that I had sent to this man (no face in the photo but I know it was me) and a text followed which says

"Why the fuck were you sending naked photos to my partner you dirty c##t"

Then quickly followed by a "you're welcome to him f##king slut".

And now my phone keeps ringing from a private number. Im not answering obvs.

Anyway now she will know at least my first name from my WhatsApp profile and I have a profile picture up so she can search for me on Facebook.
We live at opposite ends of the country so I don't think I will run into her even after lockdown but im terrified about her getting further information about me and contacting my husband just wks before our baby arrives.

Should I tell my husband about it now and explain? Should I interact with this woman and try to explain to her? Or should I just ignore it and hope it goes away??

I was a selfish idiot back then and really regret what I did long before this woman ever contacted me. I know I deserve little sympathy here but just want opinions on what I should do

His text made my skin crawl. What a pig.
Good text to her OP.

@Namechangex10000 You’re a hypocrite.

What an arrogant cunt, not his fault for having a dodgy explicit affair but the step sons fault for finding the pictures.

I'm sure the step son really would of preferred not to of seen explicit images of another woman on his step dads phone.

Just read the full thread and wanted to say well done OP, it's a horrible situation but you've dealt with it really well. I'm another one that thinks you haven't done anything wrong, and don't need to feel any shame about this. It's 'Nick and Karen's'job to sort out their relationship now.

I would have screenshotted his disgusting text, and sent it to her.

She has a right to protect her stepson from this guy. And to leave such a sleaze bag.

His text reads like something from a bad Jilly Cooper.
Tbh I'd have let your DH speak to him. He's setting it up as though you and him are on the same side against his DW. I wouldn't want to encourage that belief for a second. He kept your photos for 'personal use' [vom] His step-son is a 'little prick'. God, his poor wife. (if they are indeed married now).

@LockJessMonster Just fyi her son would be about 22 years old now....it would be distressing to find explicit photos and texts on your stepdads phone at any age but he probably doesn't need "protecting" necessarily. The text was just so sleazy I felt like it would hurt her more to see that and I think I've caused enough damage in that regard.

@AnneOfTeenFables I don't believe they ever got married but could be wrong.

Why don't you just send her a link to this thread. I think she'll get the idea pretty quickly.

Well done OP. Let's hope that's all done and dusted.

Congrats on your baby and also on having a thoroughly decent husband. Don't let an error of judgment years ago affect you moving forward.

Good call op.
Agreed it would hurt her more to send his message.

So onwards and upwards.

Good luck with your baby :)

I don’t see how protecting her from what her husband really is, is going to spare her any pain. Maybe sort term, but you know he is there playing it down, gaslighting her.

Give her all the information, let her know who she is living with and let her decide what to do.

let her know who she is living with

Given they were having an affair themselves, she already knows.

The counterparties got together as cheaters themselves and one half of the cheaters found out that a leopard doesn't change his spots, aka her boyfriend. She found herself on the receiving end of a variety of what she dished out to another person.

OP need do no more.

I also think as a senior person in the organisation this dude should have known MUCH better as well. Doesn't absolve the OP of everything but the dynamic here is gross, and that's down to him.

For what it’s worth I think you’ve handled it as best you can. I’m not sure answering her phone calls and either lying or upsetting her further is the best call.
You obviously made some shocking choices back then and so did she. Hopefully he will grow up like you have but I suspect the trust issues he alluded to means he hasn’t yet.

Please just be honest with her and tell her what went on, I went through this with my ex and he was adamant nothing was going on, I thought I was going crazy until 2 years later I found out all was true and it has made me feel so much better knowing the truth and knowing I wasn't imagining it all.
It was before you met your partner so he will understand if he found out.

mumof3 why is that the OP's responsibility? Your ex said there was nothing going on. He was cheating on you with another woman, why do you imagine you would have had the truth.

OP has already told her husband and this is resolved for her now. I hope she does contact the police if the wife contacts her again.

OP, it's great to hear your partner is 100 % behind you, as he should be. Make sure to get some rest now as you'll both be sooo busy when your precious little bundle makes her appearance.

If the wife had just approached you in a sane and reasonable way instead of calling you names you probably would have had an honest conversation with her and she would've had the full truth.

@Yecats1990 I’m sorry you’re going through all this stuff. I do feel sorry for “Karen” too (especially as “Nick” doesn’t sound like much of a catch) but I think you’ve done all that you should.

Can I ask which blocker you’ve used please? I want to block someone but also to monitor how often they try to contact me.

Good luck with the baby.

@BrandyTrap The app I used is called "caller blacklist" its free for android from the play store.
I'm based in Ireland but I'm sure it's also available for the UK.

"Didn't get the benefit of fucking you..." ugh he makes my skin crawl 🤢

@Yecats1990 thank you

@Yecats1990 I hope you're feeling better.
I'd send her his message. She deserves to know how gross he is. Not knowing is likely to be more debilitating. She can't make sound decisions if she only has his word

She deserves to know how gross he is. Not knowing is likely to be more debilitating.

She 'deserves' sweet F.A. First because she cheated with him herself, so she's known what he was from the beginning and can hardly be surprised (although they always are) when the boot ends up on the other foot. And secondly because she's volatile and abusive. However justifiable someone's anger might seem, nobody on the other end of that tirade is compelled to (or would be advised to) engage with it.

But I am mystified by the MN received wisdom that the OW in an affair is morally squeaky clean. Sending nude selfies to someone you know has a wife is morally fucked up.

That's irrelevant. I agree, sending naked photos to a married man is shit behavior, but that's not the issue being discussed here.

The issue is that some appalling stranger is stalking the OP instead of taking it up with her appalling husband and sending her abusive communications. How to deal with that is the issue, not what she should or shouldn't have done in the past.