Mistake with older man coming back to bite me

[Yecats1990]

5 years ago I made a mistake with a man I worked with. I was 25 and single but he was 45 and in a relationship with a woman the same age as him (they weren't married and they both had kids but none together).
Anyway it wasn't my finest hour, he was training me in work and I found him sexy and exciting and honestly I just enjoyed the attention from an older more experienced guy. We would flirt at work and then progressed to texting, then we started to have phone sex and sent sexual videos and photos to each other, nothing ever became physical though and it wasn't an emotional affair either as we rarely spoke about anything other than sex. We had a token attempt to meet up a few times for sex but never went through with it I think we both knew the relationship was just fantasy we used for masturbation and nothing more. The whole thing lasted about 2 years.
Eventually I left the job and moved to another area and the whole thing just fizzled out (prob slightly more on my part than his)
I met a new man, got married and am now 38 wks pregnant with our first baby. My husband knows nothing about that awful decision I made back then.

Anyway the problem is 10 mins ago i received a WhatsApp message from a number I don't know with a sexual photo of me that I had sent to this man (no face in the photo but I know it was me) and a text followed which says

"Why the fuck were you sending naked photos to my partner you dirty c##t"

Then quickly followed by a "you're welcome to him f##king slut".

And now my phone keeps ringing from a private number. Im not answering obvs.

Anyway now she will know at least my first name from my WhatsApp profile and I have a profile picture up so she can search for me on Facebook.
We live at opposite ends of the country so I don't think I will run into her even after lockdown but im terrified about her getting further information about me and contacting my husband just wks before our baby arrives.

Should I tell my husband about it now and explain? Should I interact with this woman and try to explain to her? Or should I just ignore it and hope it goes away??

I was a selfish idiot back then and really regret what I did long before this woman ever contacted me. I know I deserve little sympathy here but just want opinions on what I should do

I’d message her back and tell her that he was an older, more senior man who abused his more senior position with a junior member of staff. That in the current age of “me too” you now realise how wrong it was of him to do this and that you’re glad she’s brought it up as you’re now considering reporting him to his company for sexual harrassment

Jesus talk about rewriting history. This is the sort of shit that gives credence to people saying women make false allegations of rape etc. the op is clearly saying she was into it, she wanted a sexual fling with him etc. nothing to suggest she was groomed/exploited/taken advantage of. She wasn’t a naive teenager, she was mid-20s.

I’m not suggesting the OP actually reports him to his company but just says this to get this woman to stop harassing her.

Although there is an arguement whether the OP recognises it or not that what he did was wrong. He was in a position of authority over her, he was training her. Most companies would take a dim view of his behaviour. Certainly companies I’ve worked at would,

Block, lock down SM and ignore. Not your circus not your monkeys.

However I would keep that photo on your phone and periodically run a reverse image search on the internet to check she hasn’t gone full psycho and revenge posted it anywhere.

I’m not suggesting the OP actually reports him to his company but just says this to get this woman to stop harassing her

Ah, so you want her to throw out allegations without substance in an attempt to manipulate the situation to her advantage? I have sympathy for the OP here but you can’t just go around flinging out allegations that are simply not true, just to get yourself out of a difficult situation. That’s the sort of shit that sets women back, makes it harder for other women to be taken seriously and is simply wrong.

So just an update for anyone who is interested. The app I downloaded to block this woman's calls and messages does so without notifying you but it stores the information in case you want to view it later. This morning when me and my DH checked it I had 56 total call attempts since yesterday evening most from private number but some from a number I didn't recognise. I also had one text message from that unknown number. For the purpose of this let's call her "Karen" and him "Nick".

The message starts "Hi [insert pet name he used to call me]" (just for context this name isn't affectionate like 'honey" it's just a silly word which is a way for him to let me know it's really him as he was the only person who calls me this)

"I apologise profusely for all the chaos yesterday. The shit has really hit the fan here. Karen's eldest borrowed an old phone of mine without my permission and found the photos and messages. I had deleted almost everything but just kept 3 photos and 4 screenshots of a couple of our conversations which I kept in a hidden folder on that phone i swear I never shared them with anyone else and only used them for my own personal use [winky face]. Of course her son managed to find them and he went running to his mum, little prick never liked me. Karen has some trust issues with me for reasons I won't bore you with now so she won't believe me when I tell her that nothing actually happened between me and you. Can you please just answer the phone to her for 5 mins and explain how it was only ever those few messages and photos and nothing physical ever happened?
I have made some dubious choices in my life but in this case I'm getting all the negatives for this "affair" even though I never actually
had the benefit of fucking you [Crying laughing face]
I know you have moved on with your life and don't owe me anything but mine is destroyed right now and you can fix it if you just talk to her for 5 mins. I'd be out on my ear only for this lockdown so thank God for covid 19.
I hope you can help. Don't text back this number. Nick"

My DH is furious about this message and wants to just deal with Nick directly himself but I don't think adding another person into the mix is helpful here.
DH also suggested that I forward Nick's text to Karen and tell her to sort it out with her husband and keep me out of it but I'm not going to do that. that text will hurt her even more which I don't want to do.

I don't want to really want to follow nick's request to answer the phone either because he's effectively asking me to lie to Karen by maintaining that those photos and messages were the only ones when, there was actually hundreds more. But maybe it would sort it out to just do that?

I'm airing more on the side of just ignoring both of them but that's prob the coward in me. What do you guys think?

The text was sent at 4.03am.

Ignore them both. It's not your job to clear up his mess

@JacobReesMogadishu - I hope you’re a man!

He is utterly gross

Why don’t you just send one message to Karen and say to stop harassing you, you never even slept with nick.
Pictures and messages is as far as it went and you won’t be picking up the phone or replying again.
If she continues to message then you will contact the police for harassment.

That way she’s got her answer and she’s been warned. You also wouldn’t be lying as your not mentioning the quantity of messages/pics.

Agree. Anyone who phoned 53 times or whatever is nuts.

You owe them nothing

@SunShine682 I think you are right. That is the best way forward. DH agrees also. Thank you x

Oh op. I agree with @SunShine682 . Then you need to have a good relax before baby comes.

That message makes him sound like a total sleaze.

If you forward it to 'Karen' it will make 'Nick' angry and the whole thing could blow up and get really hostile. I would be tempted to do this though.

I think I would carry on ignoring and avoiding. If they get nothing at all back they will leave it surely. He is getting his just desserts here and so is she really. Karma's a fucking bitch.

@RatonesAzucar I know I cannot believe I ever found him sexy.... that message made my skin crawl now but back then I thought he was the sexiest thing ever. He's 50 years old now time to grow up.

Oh my god he sounds awful! Like he’s totally innocent. And calling his step son a dick. Obvs he would show his mum the photos. Maybe a simple text would be good so long as you’re boundaried and don’t get involved in a discussion. Your text will likely lead to more questions from her.

I'd do what SunShine682 said. Then try to forget and move on. This was in your past, you were single and unfortunately made a decision you regret. You can't change that now. I do feel sorry for Karen though, her world has been turned upside down and she is probably so mad at 'the other woman' and wants to vent!

I would say what @SunShine682 said but in a message, then ignore her. I'd also remind her it was three years ago, incase she thinks it was more recent. I think if you speak to her, she'll just keep asking you more and more questions because she's in a state.

I actually feel a bit sorry for 'Karen'. She is probably distraught as her world has come crumbling down :( what's strange is if there was a post on Mumsnet from her there would be different responses.
The man is an utter twat tho - that message is really up himself and doesn't seem like someone trying to save his relationship.
I'm glad your husband is supportive of you tho! It would be a lot harder if he wasn't xx

TBH no-one in this threesome is coming across well.

@WoWsers16 I feel a bit sorry for her but she did do the same to her ex husband and this mans ex partner when she had an affair with him. so I tend to think if you think that's ok to do to others, then you must accept it when it happens to you. As for him, he sounds like the typical office sex pest who lives his life from one affair to an other so I couldn't care less about him.

...that message

You owe this man nothing. He freely admits he kept your photos for his personal use and uses a pervy wink face after telling you that (shudder).

'Karen has trust issues' translates as 'I Nick have had multiple affairs'

"...never actually had the benefit of fucking you." There are no words.

He seems to be flirting with you throughout this whole message, it's just so odd, so creepy, and like he doesn't realise he's ever done anything wrong.

I reckon Karen knows that he's had a shed load of affairs but this may be the only time she's had irrefutable proof.

Why don’t you just send one message to Karen and say to stop harassing you, you never even slept with nick.
Pictures and messages is as far as it went and you won’t be picking up the phone or replying again.

Trouble with that strategy is it depends on whether Karen believes OP. 2 years of sending nudes but never any sex, I wouldn't buy that tbh.

I agree with @SunShine682 too, I think. I think I’d keep the focus of the message on her behaviour- “I didn’t sleep with your partner. I will not be responding to further messages or calls, and will consider any further communication from you to be harassment. Please stop contacting me.”

I'd change your number if you don't use it for business.