Mistake with older man coming back to bite me

[Yecats1990]

5 years ago I made a mistake with a man I worked with. I was 25 and single but he was 45 and in a relationship with a woman the same age as him (they weren't married and they both had kids but none together).
Anyway it wasn't my finest hour, he was training me in work and I found him sexy and exciting and honestly I just enjoyed the attention from an older more experienced guy. We would flirt at work and then progressed to texting, then we started to have phone sex and sent sexual videos and photos to each other, nothing ever became physical though and it wasn't an emotional affair either as we rarely spoke about anything other than sex. We had a token attempt to meet up a few times for sex but never went through with it I think we both knew the relationship was just fantasy we used for masturbation and nothing more. The whole thing lasted about 2 years.
Eventually I left the job and moved to another area and the whole thing just fizzled out (prob slightly more on my part than his)
I met a new man, got married and am now 38 wks pregnant with our first baby. My husband knows nothing about that awful decision I made back then.

Anyway the problem is 10 mins ago i received a WhatsApp message from a number I don't know with a sexual photo of me that I had sent to this man (no face in the photo but I know it was me) and a text followed which says

"Why the fuck were you sending naked photos to my partner you dirty c##t"

Then quickly followed by a "you're welcome to him f##king slut".

And now my phone keeps ringing from a private number. Im not answering obvs.

Anyway now she will know at least my first name from my WhatsApp profile and I have a profile picture up so she can search for me on Facebook.
We live at opposite ends of the country so I don't think I will run into her even after lockdown but im terrified about her getting further information about me and contacting my husband just wks before our baby arrives.

Should I tell my husband about it now and explain? Should I interact with this woman and try to explain to her? Or should I just ignore it and hope it goes away??

I was a selfish idiot back then and really regret what I did long before this woman ever contacted me. I know I deserve little sympathy here but just want opinions on what I should do

I agree with @katherinejaneway - she won't believe you but that isn't your problem.

Just ignore.

He should not still have those messages. Are you supposed to be cool with that, oh you just keep my image from three years ago to wank over?

I’d consider telling him that you will call the police about this (could it fall under revenge porn?) Why should you do anything for him while these pictures of you are circulating.

I appreciate she is upset and is probably desperate to understand the extent of what happened, but why the f* should you have to explain yourself to them under threat of further harassment.

Ask him what he’s going to do about those photos and videos.

If that message wasn't so gross and creepy, it'd be tragic. Clearly at 50 he still hasn't grown up or willing to take any responsibility for his own actions. Let him deal with the shitstorm as there's clearly more that's gone on than just you two in the last 5 years which are not going to be fixed by you having a conversation with this woman. He's just trying to avoid a bigger fall out which is clearly going to happen at some point.

Ignore everything...change your number though to be on the safe side and try and enjoy the countdown to baby :)

I was an arsehole in my mid 20s and learnt from it. You clearly have as well...try not to dwell on this more than you need to.

I actually feel a bit sorry for 'Karen'. She is probably distraught as her world has come crumbling down sad what's strange is if there was a post on Mumsnet from her there would be different responses.

I doubt the advice would be to phone x53 times and engage in harassment

"Trust issues" - yeah, the situation here is that this is the first bit of "proof" she's had (apart from her own affair with him.) I go back to my earlier point that this is a drama about them.

"Don't text this phone," he says. BOLLOCKS TO THAT. Text him right back and tell him he should have deleted the photos as agreed and if either of them contact you again you'll go to the police. His problem to sort.

And yes his girlfriend won't believe you anyway. It will just open the door to more contact.

Trouble with that strategy is it depends on whether Karen believes OP. 2 years of sending nudes but never any sex, I wouldn't buy that tbh.

I agree. It would be pointless. The only reply I would give is "if you contact me again I will report you to the police for harassment"

Ewww. I would be tempted to send him a very snide text back but it's probably not worth it. At this stage the best thing you can do is send a quick text to Karen and just explain this is as far as it went. Apologise then say as far as you are concerned this is the end of the matter please don't contact me again.

If she does it's time to either change your number or alert the authorities. I can totally understand why she's pissed off and upset but the man sounds like a total sleazeball who has clearly done this multiple times.

I made similar mistakes while I was younger. I look back now and truly hate what I did. I've also been cheated on and it would never occur to me to harass the OW like this.

The pictures themselves are non identifying so once you've said your bit forget about the whole thing and concentrate on your pregnancy.

Wow, Nick is a charmer eh!

Just block them both.

After reading his message I agree with one message.

But be truthful, don’t undersell it. Tell how long it lasted and what it involved.

End it with you will go to the police if she continues to harass you.

Aussie if she does that she could have them both turn nasty though. These are not rational people.

I would change my mobile number.

Don't feel bad about your past. We've all got one. I did something very similar to you when I was 17 - sexting a married man in his 30s at work. It never went further than that. I was in a dark place and very needy. It's only now I'm married that I can envisage the pain it'd have caused his wife and what an utterly selfish act I had committed. Sadly the secrecy and clandestine nature of affairs is half the thrill to most. His wife never found out ( and I hope she never does) he repulses me tbh and I repulse myself for how low I sunk. So anyway - forgive yourself. Well done for telling your DH and thank goodness he's being sensible and supportive over it. Don't engage with her. It'll go on and on. Ignore her. This isn't your mess. It's 'nicks' he can deal with it.

I think sending the message sunshine suggested is a good idea. It is factual and closes it all down, then just ignore any further attempts at contact.

OMG!
No, Karen does not have ‘trust issues’, she lives with a sleazy serial cheating perve! Who is hateful and disrespectful to her kids. Who thinks you are still up for his pervy sleazy comments. And blames everyone but himself.

Your planned action seems OK, but I would be wanting to find a way to tell him just how disgusting he is and while whining about his life he might like to consider how he might have wrecked yours by lying to you and keeping the pictures.

Goodness.

But, in the end, a man who was cheating in his partner cannot be relied on to tell the truth to any other woman. So maybe shrug it off, block his number too and eyes forwards.

Good luck OP.

I think now your dh knows definitely change your phone number and ignore.

That message is disgusting, what an absolute sleaze 🤮 I think you’re right in choosing the path you have, I don’t think any good will come of any more contact.

If Karen is on MN she will know the truth about how long etc, hope it's sorted OP, not the stress you need in late pregnancy

The OP aside, I think going quiet is the best way. By going quiet 'Nick' is getting some back isn't he?

At the moment neither Karen or Nick know if the phone is still even active or owned by OP am I right?
Least said soonest mended.

I would reply to her, apologise and just be honest. I found my DH was messaging and speaking to a call her found on a hook up site. I sent her a slightly abusive/rude text as I was so upset. 9 months later I found a secret email account of DH and found an email from her saying she'd received a text from me and calling him a few names. I sent her an email then fishing for more proof and she did reply and we correspond a few times. I wasn't angry with her then and I appreciated her honesty.

I ordered a new sim card online so il have a new phone number once that arrives in a couple of days.
I have discussed with DH and we decided not to check the app in the meantime because its just making me anxious seeing all the attempted calls and worrying about further messages. However I sent her one text message which said;

"If you are contacting me about "Nick" you should know that it happened years ago and never progressed any further than some photos and texts. I'm very sorry for any hurt I have caused you or your family but as far as I'm concerned this is all in the past and I will be reporting any further harassment to the police"

As long as I don't check the app i won't be able to see if she replies so can't get drawn into more questions. Thanks to all of you for your input and advice (even those who think i am the worst person on earth). I really regret participating in anything with this man and really wish I could take it back so that his partner wouldn't get hurt.
But now it's time to focus on my hubby and baby girl who is due to arrive in less than 2 wks.

I think they will know the phone is active because of the blocking the OP has done - the phone no longer rings through, it cuts out after one ring, therefore they will know she has done something with it.

I think the single message saying that you never slept with Nick, and never would have, and that it's been 3 years since this all blew over so she needs to stop harassing you about ancient history should be enough.

Just the use of the word "harass" in whatever form should be a clear indication that she is crossing a line - and should also be enough for you to take it to legal levels if she persists. You have absolutely no need to allow this woman to berate you over the phone, and "Nick" should not be asking it of you. If his relationship falls apart now it's down to his philandering, not you, and it's not up to you to do anything to repair it (as if you could).

And then change your number, yes.

I'm getting all the negatives for this "affair"
Please let Karen come on Mumsnet and read this.

Ah, xpost with you. Well done!

Reply to him-no!

Should have done as he'd said he would & deleted everything, shouldn't he.

As for calling his step son a "little prick".

Must be tempting to forward so that she can see this & leave if she wants to.

Can't blame her for not believing him, but why would she believe Op either?

I'd have already been tempted to go to the police about the first message though.