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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mistake with older man coming back to bite me

455 replies

Yecats1990 · 05/05/2020 15:25

5 years ago I made a mistake with a man I worked with. I was 25 and single but he was 45 and in a relationship with a woman the same age as him (they weren't married and they both had kids but none together).
Anyway it wasn't my finest hour, he was training me in work and I found him sexy and exciting and honestly I just enjoyed the attention from an older more experienced guy. We would flirt at work and then progressed to texting, then we started to have phone sex and sent sexual videos and photos to each other, nothing ever became physical though and it wasn't an emotional affair either as we rarely spoke about anything other than sex. We had a token attempt to meet up a few times for sex but never went through with it I think we both knew the relationship was just fantasy we used for masturbation and nothing more. The whole thing lasted about 2 years.
Eventually I left the job and moved to another area and the whole thing just fizzled out (prob slightly more on my part than his)
I met a new man, got married and am now 38 wks pregnant with our first baby. My husband knows nothing about that awful decision I made back then.

Anyway the problem is 10 mins ago i received a WhatsApp message from a number I don't know with a sexual photo of me that I had sent to this man (no face in the photo but I know it was me) and a text followed which says

"Why the fuck were you sending naked photos to my partner you dirty c##t"

Then quickly followed by a "you're welcome to him f##king slut".

And now my phone keeps ringing from a private number. Im not answering obvs.

Anyway now she will know at least my first name from my WhatsApp profile and I have a profile picture up so she can search for me on Facebook.
We live at opposite ends of the country so I don't think I will run into her even after lockdown but im terrified about her getting further information about me and contacting my husband just wks before our baby arrives.

Should I tell my husband about it now and explain? Should I interact with this woman and try to explain to her? Or should I just ignore it and hope it goes away??

I was a selfish idiot back then and really regret what I did long before this woman ever contacted me. I know I deserve little sympathy here but just want opinions on what I should do

OP posts:
Original poster
Yecats1990 · 05/05/2020 15:28

Also a bit pissed that he kept that photo of me and prob other videos etc. We had agreed to destroy everything immediately after viewing. You can't see my face in anything but anyone who knows me would probably recognise my old apartment in the background. 25 year old me was a moron clearly.

OP posts:
Namechangewhy · 05/05/2020 15:29

It wasn’t the best decision considering her was in a relationship but that’s done now.
Change your WhatsApp picture to something generic, and ignore. If it were me, I probably wouldn’t tell my husband as it was long before you met and your time now should be focussed on your new baby.
You could also block the number?

Namechangewhy · 05/05/2020 15:33

Part of me also thinks you could reply and explain so that she knows that while her OH (and you - sorry) were way out of line, you didn’t sleep together, as she probably has all kinds of scenarios going on in her head and this could help to answer some questions for her.

Sorry, I’m not being that helpful really!

GrumpyHoonMain · 05/05/2020 15:33

Block her, set all your social media settings on private. I personally would tell your partner in case shs tries to contact him

AnyFucker · 05/05/2020 15:34

Block the number, lock down your social media, take down photos and forget about it. You don't need to tell your husband unless you want to, it's none of his business and you need to sort this out for yourself.

And yes, you were a moron. 25 was far too old to make a "mistake" like that.

Namechangewhy · 05/05/2020 15:37

@AnyFucker - I like that decisive response! That’s what’s needed here!

firsttimemum30 · 05/05/2020 15:38

We've all made mistakes. You're pregnant and don't need any stress atm. I would block her, maybe send a message beforehand to let her know it is illegal to keep those photos.

AmeliaTaylor · 05/05/2020 15:41

And yes, you were a moron. 25 was far too old to make a "mistake" like that.

Knew it wouldn’t take long for someone to pop along to stick the boot in. Couldn’t resist eh?

OP, if she’s gone to the extent of messaging you then I suspect she’ll go further. She’ll probably press him for your details anyway and his loyalty will lie with her.

I would tell your husband, if only to take away this awful sick feeling of not knowing whether she’s going to find him and tell. Deal with the consequences. Otherwise you’ll always be waiting for it to happen.

Original poster
Yecats1990 · 05/05/2020 15:45

@NameChangeWhy that's what I was thinking but then she's unlikely to believe anything I say so I don't know if it's a good idea.

Thanks @AnyFucker you are right I was a selfish moron and let myself down big time. I have now blocked her on all social media but the private calls continue. I disabled my voicemails though so at least she can't leave a message.

OP posts:
AmeliaTaylor · 05/05/2020 15:47

Surely if she keeps calling your husband is going to notice your phone blowing up with unanswered calls anyway?

ErickBroch · 05/05/2020 15:47

Personally I would ask him to delete those photos and videos or you will take it further. If you are really worried, change your number. Sadly, this is not really unexpected... I am sorry for you as you are pregnant so I feel cruel saying otherwise but in all honesty I think you need to face the reality of your actions.

25 years old is not that young (I am the same age) and 2 years is a long mistake.

ErickBroch · 05/05/2020 15:49

I would tell your partner. If my DP had done this and it happened, I would rather he told me. Yes it was shitty but I wouldn't leave him over it. I think you will be fine with your DP and it will give you some relief.

TimidLividyetagain · 05/05/2020 15:49

Change your number too. Either get a new sim or call your network provider and ask how to get a new number

R2519 · 05/05/2020 15:50

Yes you did something questionable but it was 13 years ago.....time to move on and forget it. If his wife or ex wife is scrolling through pictures from 13 years ago then clearly she is desperate. I would ignore her,, block the number, change your whatsapp picture and hope she disappears. If she doesnt then i would threaten to involve the police. Sharing nude / sexual photos of someone is a criminal offence. Tell her to leave you alone or you will take it to the police and she will be in a lot of trouble.

PixelatedLunchbox · 05/05/2020 15:50

I WOULD tell my DH right away. You don't know how crazy this woman is, or what she might do, and it's certainly better for him to hear it from you than from her. Besides that, he is your partner and this is stressful, and wouldn't it be nice to have his support in dealing with this? Don't make it a sordid secret that you kept from him, as that will twist the knife further when she gets through to him - and she will. Tell him today.

FlaskMaster · 05/05/2020 15:51

Send a message back to say this was 5 years ago and I want all the photos deleted or I'm going to the police. Then just block on everything and forget about it. I would share something like this with your partner, you're a team.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2020 15:51

It was 3 years ago, not 13

MoonBabysMagicalKalimba · 05/05/2020 15:51

What would it matter if she told your husband? You were single at the time, you hadn't met your husband yet. You didn't cheat on him, you have nothing to be ashamed of in that regard.

This man was the one who cheated, not you. He was the one who betrayed his partner. Whilst your actions weren't great, you were single and betraying no one.

This woman is clearly nuts, and her relationship isn't your problem. Block her on everything, shut down your privacy on all your SMs, and change your profile pictures.

ErickBroch · 05/05/2020 15:51

@R2519 it was 3 years ago

Namechangewhy · 05/05/2020 15:52

@Yecats1990 if you have an iPhone, you can put your phone on Do Not Disturb mode and set it to only allow calls from people in your contact lists. That way her calls will never ring through. It might mean you miss some other private numbers, but in the short term that’s what I would do.

I think you’re right that she likely won’t believe you if you engage ( based on her first 2 messages) so blocked/do not disturb/Social media made private and forget about it as much as you can.

Cantpickausername5 · 05/05/2020 15:53

I would honestly send one message saying you have screen shotted her messages and if she continues to harass you, your going to the police. These issue is with her and her partner. And than block her everywhere. Yes I would personally tell your husband, just in the interest of being open and honest. But just keep it simple.

Bluetrews25 · 05/05/2020 15:54

She's going to keep calling until you answer.
What would be the worst thing that could happen if you did answer?
She'd yell at you and get it out of her system?
You could answer her questions? She probably has a lot of them.
You could tell her how old the photos are and that he'd agreed to destroy them?
You don't have to tell her who or where you are.
Can you record the call in case of any trouble?
You did do a daft thing, yes, but he was worse - older, more senior, in a relationship...

MorrisZapp · 05/05/2020 15:55

This happened before you met your husband so what's the issue? I don't understand why he needs to know, and also don't understand why you don't just block the number.

Original poster
Yecats1990 · 05/05/2020 15:55

Yeah i'm thinking I am going to have to come clean with him. Especially if the phone calls continue.... I'm hoping she'll eventually get bored and stop calling but she may not. I don't know if she has access to the full chats or if he only kept that one photo.
My DH is working today (essential service) so I can build myself up to it. What do I even say to him?
I never told him before now because I was embarrassed and ashamed of my actions and we generally don't speak all that much about past relationships

OP posts:
AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 05/05/2020 15:55

Although you don’t owe your DP any explantation, I would say something. Mainly because it would be better coming from you.

There is a part of me who would want to reassure the caller that nothing physical happened but I doubt that would make her feel any better.

Then lock down all your SM.