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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mistake with older man coming back to bite me

455 replies

Yecats1990 · 05/05/2020 15:25

5 years ago I made a mistake with a man I worked with. I was 25 and single but he was 45 and in a relationship with a woman the same age as him (they weren't married and they both had kids but none together).
Anyway it wasn't my finest hour, he was training me in work and I found him sexy and exciting and honestly I just enjoyed the attention from an older more experienced guy. We would flirt at work and then progressed to texting, then we started to have phone sex and sent sexual videos and photos to each other, nothing ever became physical though and it wasn't an emotional affair either as we rarely spoke about anything other than sex. We had a token attempt to meet up a few times for sex but never went through with it I think we both knew the relationship was just fantasy we used for masturbation and nothing more. The whole thing lasted about 2 years.
Eventually I left the job and moved to another area and the whole thing just fizzled out (prob slightly more on my part than his)
I met a new man, got married and am now 38 wks pregnant with our first baby. My husband knows nothing about that awful decision I made back then.

Anyway the problem is 10 mins ago i received a WhatsApp message from a number I don't know with a sexual photo of me that I had sent to this man (no face in the photo but I know it was me) and a text followed which says

"Why the fuck were you sending naked photos to my partner you dirty c##t"

Then quickly followed by a "you're welcome to him f##king slut".

And now my phone keeps ringing from a private number. Im not answering obvs.

Anyway now she will know at least my first name from my WhatsApp profile and I have a profile picture up so she can search for me on Facebook.
We live at opposite ends of the country so I don't think I will run into her even after lockdown but im terrified about her getting further information about me and contacting my husband just wks before our baby arrives.

Should I tell my husband about it now and explain? Should I interact with this woman and try to explain to her? Or should I just ignore it and hope it goes away??

I was a selfish idiot back then and really regret what I did long before this woman ever contacted me. I know I deserve little sympathy here but just want opinions on what I should do

OP posts:
ravenmum · 05/05/2020 16:24

Might be worth answering a call once just to see if that stops her trying again. Presumably she's only just found out, so is totally enraged. If she actually hears a human on the other end, rather than the OW of her imagination, she might be put off from ringing again. Maybe just answer and say what you've said here - sorry, it was stupid of me, I was young and single, it ended long ago and I wouldn't do it again. Then block wherever you can.

Lou1isa · 05/05/2020 16:26

The woman is probably very angry, there’s no need to call her a bitch.
If you don’t want to deal with it, block her on everything.
I think it’s for the best if you message her a brief explanation, and also request that all of your photos and videos are deleted. Then block her on everything.
She’s probably devastated, you would be the same if you found the same on your DH phone.

otterturk · 05/05/2020 16:26

She sounds crazy. Block/report on LinkedIn. You don't need to tell your husband - it's in the past, you didn't know him then.

NigellaAwesome · 05/05/2020 16:27

It sounds like he groomed you.

I would send a message to the number that contacted you initially and say that you will contact the police in relation to harassment and revenge porn if she tries to contact you further.

If you want to tell your DH, you needn't go into gory details about knowing this man was in a relationship, just that you had exchanged intimate pictures and now you are getting grief.

Good luck with the baby.

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 05/05/2020 16:27

Tell your DH. He might offer to answer one of the calls and considering you're heavily pregnant, that might be the best approach to take. He can tell her that you're happily married, pregnant, it was over 5 years ago and she needs to stop contacting and harassing you and distributing images of you.
I wouldn't usually suggest getting your DH involved in 'defending' you but your pregnancy changes things imo Flowers

blindmansbluff · 05/05/2020 16:29

If your phone won't let you block private numbers you can download an app that does it, I used to use block 'em

Intelinside57 · 05/05/2020 16:30

I too think you did nothing wrong, particularly as far as your husband is concerned. It's history from before you met. I'd certainly tell mine, probably starting by saying something about "I know we don't really talk about previous relationships, but one of mine is causing a problem so I just want you to be aware".
I wouldn't speak to her, but I would reply in writing to something giving her the bare facts. "I had a relationship with him years ago, it finished in 2017 and I haven't heard from him since". I'd also remind her that it's illegal to distribute "revenge porn" and also that to do what she has been doing is harassment. Then say that if you hear from her again in any way you will contact the police.

CeibaTree · 05/05/2020 16:31

I would send a message to the number that contacted you initially and say that you will contact the police in relation to harassment and revenge porn if she tries to contact you further.
This is what you need to do before you tell your DH, then by the time you tell him it will have been dealt with. This woman who is contacting you obviously thinks these are recent pictures that you sent him which is kind of weird in itself. Are you sure it's not the older guy trying to mess with you?

clumsyduck · 05/05/2020 16:31

Please don’t take the advice of calling her a crazy bitch etc !! I speak as someone who has made a similar mistake to you when I was younger a lo by time ago and honestly I can’t understand the vitriol aimed at this woman of course she is furious wouldn’t all of you who be the same Confused

I actually do think you owe her at least a text as I wrote up thread , nothing more happened etc etc aswell as she needs to stop now or youl make the police aware .

ukgift2016 · 05/05/2020 16:32

Give the woman a break, she most likely has just found out her husband a twat. I am sure you aren't the only woman he was sexting. Also two years is a long time for a 'mistake'

If I was you, I text her back then block her again. Tell her nothing physical happened and your sorry but there been no contact...etc.

Tableclothing · 05/05/2020 16:32

Doctors/ hospitals near me come up as withheld numbers on my phone. At 38 weeks pregnant, I'd want to answer it to make sure it wasn't important information from them.

If it's her, say "leave me alone or I'll call the police", then hang up. If she continues to ring, hang up without answering her. She will probably stop after a couple of tries, and almost by tomorrow, after she's had a night to sleep on it.

Itwasntme1 · 05/05/2020 16:33

This woman is not your problem. I wouldnt engage with her, nothing you say can change her mind, she just wants to yell at you. I would send one message saying you made stupid mistake when you were young and all the photos need to be deleted immediately or you will seek legal advice.

What she really should be doing is focusing on her relationship, not a stranger. Yes you shouldn’t have done this, but you weren’t in a relationship with her, he was and her anger should be focused on him.

It is really upsetting you and if you think it would make you feel better, talk to your husband, while yes you should have got mixed up with someone who was in a relationship, you haven’t cheated on your husband and you know it was a big mistake.

Take a deep breath, this isn’t the end of the world and it will blow over.

fuckinghellthisshit · 05/05/2020 16:34

"we agreed to destroy everything"
Jesus Christ how can anyone be so naive?

BubblyBarbara · 05/05/2020 16:37

I don't even see what you did wrong. You were single. He was the one cheating. Tell your DH you didn't want to bring it up but several years ago you were flirting with someone older at work (nothing wrong with that) and it turned out he was married and his wife has now found the photos and is going mental but you want it to blow over. I don't think your DH can really say much to that given it was all before his time.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/05/2020 16:37

Good point re private numbers, maybe it's midwife etc wanting to reach you

lockdownlowdown · 05/05/2020 16:38

Why you should never send sexy pics. Don't tell your dh. You will go way down in his estimation. Block the number on WhatsApp and everything else and lock down all social media. Forget about it

Babaoreally · 05/05/2020 16:39

OP - for You this is from a past life - but for this woman It’s happening now, in her life. She won’t know all the details and will be angry, humiliated and so many other emotions. You don’t have to engage with her, but if she has found you on LinkedIn she knows who you are.
I really wouldn’t advise keeping this from your DH. It’s not that it isn’t his business-but as you’ve said, it’s something traumatic and he will notice. If you try to hide it from him you will end up lying to him. And that could affect trust between you going forward. You will also feel far more stressed and anxious by seeking to hide all this, when he can help and support you through this instead.
I’m surprised at the number of MNers suggesting you can hide this - as your secrecy now could come back to affect your relationship in the future.
I’m sure once you’ve shared what’s going on you will feel much better.

ravenmum · 05/05/2020 16:40

This woman who is contacting you obviously thinks these are recent pictures that you sent him which is kind of weird in itself.
Not that weird. The wife might not have seen any dated texts, but just have found the saved photos and OP's number.
When I found out about my ex's affair, I looked on his computer and found flirty pictures of another woman, just in a folder. I can guess who she was, but I never found any messages between them.

If this woman has only just found out that something has been going on, she might even just be too busy hyperventilating to work out when it might have happened.

Chiyo666 · 05/05/2020 16:40

It’s called karma. You have to be grown up about it and face it head on. Give the poor woman some closure. You had a 2 year affair with her husband!

Pieceofpurplesky · 05/05/2020 16:41

Are you sure it's her and not the husband?

Hidingtonothing · 05/05/2020 16:41

I would tell my DH too OP, you will live in fear of your DH finding out otherwise when there's every chance he will be supportive if you're honest and tell him upfront, it's not worth the stress.

AnnaNimmity · 05/05/2020 16:41

Well presumably she has just found out that her DP cheated with you, so it's all new news to her. And given the amount of posts we have on here from aggrieved women who are encouraged by the rest of the posters to write to the OW, I think there's a lot of hypocrisy on this thread.

Block her OP. You can involve the police if she carries on, and they will give her a warning. If you do say anything to her, I'd say that she needs to stop harrassing you, or you will go to the police.

Perhaps take ownership though for what you did, as a grown up and, although this woman is clearly acting out of order, maybe some understanding.

and next time? Don't send naked pictures of yourself. There is always a risk they will become more public than you intended.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 05/05/2020 16:43

Do NOT interact with her. In any way. The previous posts advising you to take her calls are really not good advice, IMO. You are under no obligation whatsoever to her, particularly considering she's harrassing you and using foul, abusive language. In fact, you owe no explanations of your previous behaviour to anyone.

Don't pick up your phone, don't threaten her with the police, don't interact with her in any way. In any event she won't believe a word you tell her and it can do nothing but inflame the situation. No one stands to gain from this at all.

DO be grateful you had the sense and the foresight not to include your face in these images. Change your mobile phone number if at all possible, and lock down your social media profiles. Keep a log/record of all messages and store them securely in a cloud.

Chances are that as she lives a long way away it will be far more difficult to harrass you directly, so once she's got it out of her system she will run out of steam and go away. If she doesn't, you have it all on record and can start a paper trail by reporting her to the police. Stalking is a serious crime that's finally being taken more seriously these days. Revenge porn is even more serious.

Don't capitulate to her harrassment. You've done something you regret and can't now undo it - still doesn't mean you owe her diddly squat.

Intelinside57 · 05/05/2020 16:43

Next time?? Does anyone really think there will be a next time for poor Op???

Dontbeme · 05/05/2020 16:44

I feel very sorry for this woman, she has probably just found out her partner was scouting for strange at work, has seen the videos and pictures or whatever and her world is falling apart and the reaction here is to call her names and suggestions of having the OP DP to go off on her over the phone.

I would guess that the OP won't answer the calls as she doesn't want to deal with the fallout of her choices and she would certainly not want her DP involved as he may find out exactly who he has coupled up with. Only advice form me is to not plant yourself in the middle of someone else relationship and expect to walk away with a clean slate. Things done on the dark have a way of coming out in the daylight.