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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mistake with older man coming back to bite me

455 replies

Yecats1990 · 05/05/2020 15:25

5 years ago I made a mistake with a man I worked with. I was 25 and single but he was 45 and in a relationship with a woman the same age as him (they weren't married and they both had kids but none together).
Anyway it wasn't my finest hour, he was training me in work and I found him sexy and exciting and honestly I just enjoyed the attention from an older more experienced guy. We would flirt at work and then progressed to texting, then we started to have phone sex and sent sexual videos and photos to each other, nothing ever became physical though and it wasn't an emotional affair either as we rarely spoke about anything other than sex. We had a token attempt to meet up a few times for sex but never went through with it I think we both knew the relationship was just fantasy we used for masturbation and nothing more. The whole thing lasted about 2 years.
Eventually I left the job and moved to another area and the whole thing just fizzled out (prob slightly more on my part than his)
I met a new man, got married and am now 38 wks pregnant with our first baby. My husband knows nothing about that awful decision I made back then.

Anyway the problem is 10 mins ago i received a WhatsApp message from a number I don't know with a sexual photo of me that I had sent to this man (no face in the photo but I know it was me) and a text followed which says

"Why the fuck were you sending naked photos to my partner you dirty c##t"

Then quickly followed by a "you're welcome to him f##king slut".

And now my phone keeps ringing from a private number. Im not answering obvs.

Anyway now she will know at least my first name from my WhatsApp profile and I have a profile picture up so she can search for me on Facebook.
We live at opposite ends of the country so I don't think I will run into her even after lockdown but im terrified about her getting further information about me and contacting my husband just wks before our baby arrives.

Should I tell my husband about it now and explain? Should I interact with this woman and try to explain to her? Or should I just ignore it and hope it goes away??

I was a selfish idiot back then and really regret what I did long before this woman ever contacted me. I know I deserve little sympathy here but just want opinions on what I should do

OP posts:
Tigersneeze · 05/05/2020 16:59

@wheretonow123

I am not sure whether threatening legal action will get you too far.

there are laws against revenge porn - its a crime, so that's definitely a route to go down if the harassment continues

covidcougher · 05/05/2020 16:59

I was going to say block and ignore which you've done. Tell your DH and ask him to deal with it if she finds another way to contact you.

Random63638 · 05/05/2020 17:00

Answer the phone. Ask her what she wants. Have some facts written down in front of you if that will help. Also - let her know that if she continues to call then you will call the police regarding harassment.

What you did wasn't smart but it wasn't illegal. Just about anything unpleasant that she could do would be on the wrong side of the law.

I would assume that for whatever reason she has just found out about the affair and is lashing out. You have had a long time to get over it, she hasn't. Ultimately there is nothing (legal) she can really do to hurt you. Hear her out. Forget about it. Tell you partner if you want to, but don't feel like you have to. We are all allowed a past.

itsnotcakeitsbaby · 05/05/2020 17:03

I said it's not an ongoing campaign. As described in the OP, it was literally within a period of ten minutes.

I understand what you're saying but ongoing just means it's still happening now.

NeutrinoWrangler · 05/05/2020 17:03

Honestly, no, I don't blame Crappy Ex-Boss's Partner for being furious and taking some of that rage out on the "OW". She has no way of knowing that this has been over for years or that OP is now married and pregnant, and frankly, she might be just as angry even if she did.

This nonsense about "not breaking any vows" or being "young and having some fun" is disgusting. Even OP has the decency to feel guilty about it and acknowledges that it was bad behaviour, so can we please stop trying to excuse it?

OP, good luck getting this mess sorted out. I don't know how to advise you. If you tell your husband, he'll probably be disappointed and look at you somewhat differently (since you've apparently changed a lot in five years and professed strong opinions on infidelity since he's known you), but on the positive side, you might come out of it stronger. At least you'll know that you have nothing to fear from Boss's Partner.

ravenmum · 05/05/2020 17:04

I am so dull that I have to disagree with the idea that we all have secrets to hide!

Yecats, you sound smart enough to be able to get this across to your dh, and he sounds smart enough to process what's going on. I agree that you haven't done anything wrong with reard to your dh, which is what the other poster meant, I think?

Hopefully this woman is simply furious and knocked for six, but on second thought might be able to work out that it's him she needs to have words with. With any luck you won't hear any more from her. But I don't see why, if you tell your dh just in case, he'd be too bothered by something you did before you met.

MorrisZapp · 05/05/2020 17:04

When a stranger gets in touch to call you a cunt, you don't have to hear them out. You owe her no explanation or apology whatsoever. Men are not inanimate objects that women have to fairly divide up between themselves. He did what he did, the op was single.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 05/05/2020 17:04

don’t think that if someone posted here that they’d found naked pictures of another woman on their partner’s phone people would be saying that the OW had done nothing wrong

I've read it on here many many times: forget about the OW, she's not the one who cheated on you etc

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/05/2020 17:05

Honestly you need to go bit easier on yourself here. He was the one in a relationship not you.

Just sit dh down and explain that you sent those images in a previous relationship, s a mutual thing, and now his partner is using them as a way of harassing you.

You need his support. And he will give it.

TenShortStories · 05/05/2020 17:10

The woman is probably freaking out. I don't think you can use her language choices at, quite possibly one of the worst moments of her life, to form any opinion of her.

Personally, I would have sent one reply before all the blocking (saying something like "I'm sorry you've just found this out. These pictures are from several years ago and the man they were sent to was certainly not married at that point. Do not contact me again though, this is between you and your husband"). But it doesn't matter that much, she isn't your problem and you can't fix her problem anyway.

The important bit is that you do tell your DH IMO. You did nothing wrong in terms of your relationship with him. The only mistake would be to keep from him something that is currently going on right now - he'd have every reason to find that hurtful and suspicious.

mrscampbellblackagain · 05/05/2020 17:10

To be honest I would see if anything happens in the next couple of days before telling your DH.

And come on, you were 25 and had a 2 year 'affair' with someone. The risk you took was that his partner would find out and understandably be pretty pissed off.

I know the received wisdom on here is that it is always only 100% your partner's fault if they have an affair but it was pretty shitty behaviour of the OP.

However, nothing she can do about that now apart from ignore. I wouldn't engage at all and personally wouldn't tell my DH. What realistically can she do in lockdown?

Honeyroar · 05/05/2020 17:11

I’d flip it round, personally. I’d say how the hell have you got these photos? They were from 13 yrs ago when I was very young and was talked into an inappropriate text relationship with a man who was twice my age and my senior at work. He promised he had deleted these. I’ve had no contact with him for 13 years. I have no interest in contacting him again and will take this matter to the police if your harassment continues.

Original poster
Yecats1990 · 05/05/2020 17:14

Of course I knew what i was doing.... i am not maintaining that I was somehow coerced into anything by this man.

I was a willing participant. That doesn't mean it wasn't a mistake.... by definition a mistake is an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning carelessness, etc. It was certainly a mistake at the time and still is now.

Just for further background this man and this woman got together under very similar circumstances.... they met in work started an affair and left their partners and kids to be together. They were together 2 years when i met him (she no longer worked at this company so I never knew her).

I was a c*t for sexting a man in a relationship.... but similarly she was a c*t for doing that to his wife and child so I think that her name calling is a bit hypocritical.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/05/2020 17:14

Honeyroar
Years ago

OVienna · 05/05/2020 17:15

OP did a shitty thing when she was 25. Unfortunately the person now contacting her knows that she has/had a shitty boyfriend (whom she hopefully didn't marry and have kids with in the meantime) and is looking for somewhere to go with the anger. It belongs at her bloke's feet.

OP - I wouldn't engage. I don't think she wants a conversation with you at all. You don't want to be swept up into drama between them.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/05/2020 17:16

5

randomguy12 · 05/05/2020 17:16

Just block her and change all setting from public to private

mrscampbellblackagain · 05/05/2020 17:16

I think a mistake is something that happens once to be honest not over two years. And sadly you have learnt that sometimes your actions do have consequences.

But, it is irrelevant now - you live and learn.

As I said I just wouldn't engage at all. You have blocked her on everything and hopefully she is now directing her anger at her DP and will leave you alone. You may also not be the only one.

AmeliaTaylor · 05/05/2020 17:16

Honeyroar

Where on Earth are you getting thirteen years from?

mrscampbellblackagain · 05/05/2020 17:17

Some people are very bad at maths aren't they Wink

OVienna · 05/05/2020 17:17

You may also not be the only one. I had written that myself, not sure why I deleted it. So true.

AmeliaTaylor · 05/05/2020 17:18

mrscampbellblackagain

Or reading comprehension!

papiermaches · 05/05/2020 17:19

Jesus, I'm so glad we didn't have camera phones when I was 25...
block the number and ignore the entire thing. Do NOT tell your DP, your past is not his business.What's the point?
You can't be recognized from the photos, so don't worry about it.
If you block the number you won't be receiving anymore messages. End of. Let who ever it is have a pop at the bloke instead.

momtoolliex · 05/05/2020 17:21

I'm so confused to where people are getting 13 years from 🤣 OP I would just be honest with your partner, even tho you wasn't with him at the time it'll look a lot better coming from you. As for the woman, she'll soon get bored of trying to contact you - although I can see why she's so angry

sillysmiles · 05/05/2020 17:22

You owe her nothing. Her issue is with her husband and she needs to focus on that. Block and ignore, if she gets to you again threat her with the police for harassment.
I've no idea why people think you should entertain her or why you are responsible for her husbands actions.