Mistake with older man coming back to bite me

[Yecats1990]

5 years ago I made a mistake with a man I worked with. I was 25 and single but he was 45 and in a relationship with a woman the same age as him (they weren't married and they both had kids but none together).
Anyway it wasn't my finest hour, he was training me in work and I found him sexy and exciting and honestly I just enjoyed the attention from an older more experienced guy. We would flirt at work and then progressed to texting, then we started to have phone sex and sent sexual videos and photos to each other, nothing ever became physical though and it wasn't an emotional affair either as we rarely spoke about anything other than sex. We had a token attempt to meet up a few times for sex but never went through with it I think we both knew the relationship was just fantasy we used for masturbation and nothing more. The whole thing lasted about 2 years.
Eventually I left the job and moved to another area and the whole thing just fizzled out (prob slightly more on my part than his)
I met a new man, got married and am now 38 wks pregnant with our first baby. My husband knows nothing about that awful decision I made back then.

Anyway the problem is 10 mins ago i received a WhatsApp message from a number I don't know with a sexual photo of me that I had sent to this man (no face in the photo but I know it was me) and a text followed which says

"Why the fuck were you sending naked photos to my partner you dirty c##t"

Then quickly followed by a "you're welcome to him f##king slut".

And now my phone keeps ringing from a private number. Im not answering obvs.

Anyway now she will know at least my first name from my WhatsApp profile and I have a profile picture up so she can search for me on Facebook.
We live at opposite ends of the country so I don't think I will run into her even after lockdown but im terrified about her getting further information about me and contacting my husband just wks before our baby arrives.

Should I tell my husband about it now and explain? Should I interact with this woman and try to explain to her? Or should I just ignore it and hope it goes away??

I was a selfish idiot back then and really regret what I did long before this woman ever contacted me. I know I deserve little sympathy here but just want opinions on what I should do

I can't believe the people saying cut her some slack as she's "just angry".

OP, she has already verbally abused you and is now continuing to harass you. I would not answer the phone (you don't need the stress of that conversation/screaming match while pregnant, and you would also have no record of the contents). I would send a message saying something like,

"I don't know who you are but I am assuming you are referring to (old boss's name). I do not have anything to do with him any more and you should raise any issues you have with him. In any case, you clearly have explicit photographs that you should not have. It is illegal to share or distribute these photographs. If you do so I will contact the police. I will not be answering the phone or engaging with you further. If you continue to harass me I will contact the police."

Then block her every which way possible.

It's up to you whether you tell your DH, but I think I would because it would bother me otherwise. But he doesn't need to know the details.

Can she see your profile pic on WhatsApp? I thought you could only see this if you add her number??

No, I don't think 'letting her get it off her chest' is a good thing. For one, she might need more to 'get it off her chest'. She sounds unhinged. I'd keep ignoring the calls and block her everywhere you can. Don't beat yourself up, there's no person on the planet who hasn't done something they regret.

@StirCrazy2020 I deleted the guys number years ago so even if I thought it was a good idea to contact him I couldn't. We literally haven't communicated since early 2017.

I couldn't figure out how to block private numbers on my phone but I managed to download an app which does it so now she's blocked everywhere now.

I will talk to my husband tonight. It's a crappy conversation to have but I'd prefer him to hear it from me.

@MadameMeursault I guess I was ashamed because I knew he was in a relationship and i still participated with the sexting etc. It was a selfish stupid thing to do but you are right i didn't break any vows or laws.

Tell your husband everything that way you won't feel guilty this happened years before you met your DH it's not like you've been doing it behind his back.
We've all done daft things when young and naive your better off coming clean to your husband and that way you can block the calls and number from txting or maybe look to change your number altogether.
But defiantly tell your husband this will eat you up otherwise and it's not what you need when pregnant soon to have a baby.

she has already verbally abused you and is now continuing to harass you.
When OP wrote her post, it was a whole 10 minutes since the woman had written to her the first time on Whatsapp and tried telephoning her.
It's not an ongoing campaign of harrassment.

I'd put a stop to the harassment asap other wise she will not stop focusing on you.

I would send a message to the number that contacted you initially and say that you will contact the police in relation to harassment and revenge porn if she tries to contact you further.

agree with the pp, would also add in my message that the picture is many years old.

And given the amount of posts we have on here from aggrieved women who are encouraged by the rest of the posters to write to the OW, I think there's a lot of hypocrisy on this thread.

The women on here are never encouraged bombard the OW on all platforms and with incessant calls, and to call them "a dirty cunt" or "fucking slut". I certainly have never seen anyone on MN encouraging that kind of behaviour at all, if it's suggested that they contact the OW it's normally in a much more reasonable way and certainly not with harassment.

It would be different if the woman contacted OP saying "I've found photos and messages between you and my husband and I'm very upset, could you please explain what happened?" Then the OP would probably be happy to discuss it with her, reassure her and apologise. But that isn't what's happening here.

Completely ignore. Let him deal with the fact he cheated on his partner. Do not engage.

Sorry just saw she managed to track you down on other SM. So sorry this has happened to you, how stressful. I'd threaten her with the police as well.

I am not sure why most people are on the side of the OP here.

This was probably not a mistake up until an hour ago when she got the WhatsApp message and now she is panicking.

Sending naked photos to a guy already in a relationship, yes she is probably everything that woman is saying.

And not getting the older guy to delete them - I am a bit flabbergasted! Is sending naked photos so commonplace nowadays that she seems to have forgotten she did that.

The only advice I can give is to answer the phone to this woman and sincerely apologise and explain as best you can and try and convince her that it did not go any further.

I am not sure whether threatening legal action will get you too far.

With regards to your DH, I personally wouldnt tell him but it is really a personal decision based on how you percieve the strength of the relationship & his attitude to activities before ye met.

Find the guy online

Message him

Tell him his wife is harassing you

I'd tell your DH, it'll eat you up otherwise. You don't need this stress whilst heavily pregnant. Everyone has a past and I wouldn't split up with my DH had he done something like this in a previous relationship.

I think after you've told him, if the calls continue, answer it on loudspeaker with your DH there. He should have your back. You've done nothing wrong. This other bloke was the one in a relationship.

Chin up, OP

It's not an ongoing campaign of harrassment

I would disagree; I think the abusive language combined with calling repeatedly and messaging on various different platforms would constitute harassment. Even if not legally, it does in the colloquial sense, which may be enough to get her to back off.

Another who thinks you shouldn't engage. You can't change what you have done and whatever you say to her is unlikely to placate her.

Knowing my personality I would probably answer the phone but go straight on the attack threatening her with the police for sending the pictures to you and threaten that you will do her for harassment if it doesnt stop and say that you are going to get the call logged. I'd say you e made a note of the times if the calls and will give them to the police. I wouldn't be apologetic or make excuses but go straight in with the ' how dare you contact me by sending a photo!!" ( although as an outsider my sympathies are with her if she has only just discovered the and is in shock)
I would be laying it on telling her to deal with her cheating husband and thank christ you didnt end up with him!
Probably not helpful but as I said I can guess how I would react if I had done what you done.

I would tell DH. Otherwise, if she does find a way of getting to him, and he’s in the dark, it could look incriminating. Yes, it’s cringeworthy, yes it’s embarrassing, but you haven’t done anything to him. I’m sure we’ve all done things we’re not proud of in the past.

As for her, I would tell her in no uncertain terms to fuck off and if she doesn’t, I would contact the police. I wouldn’t give her any explanations. I’d probably change my number too but hunting you down on every social media platform sounds like it’s getting out of hand.

And if this is all over a virtual affair 5 years ago then she should be talking to her husband about it instead of hounding you. He hardly sounds like a paradigm of virtue and I doubt you were the only one. If she wants to apportion blame some of it should be staying a bit closer to home. You’ve all made a few poor life choices by the sounds of things - thankfully yours were just in the short term.

You were young and having some fun. You won't have been the first or the last affair he's had, so you don't owe her anything. If she wants the truth she will need to get it from him, good luck to her.

"I've found photos and messages between you and my husband and I'm very upset, could you please explain what happened?"
When you discover an affair, it literally knocks the breath out of you. I managed to keep my fingers away from the phone, thank goodness, but if I'd written, I wouldn't have managed to write anything as polite as that when I first found out.

I would disagree; I think the abusive language combined with calling repeatedly and messaging on various different platforms would constitute harassment
I said it's not an ongoing campaign. As described in the OP, it was literally within a period of ten minutes.

Imagine if your DH had been doing the things you did with him and you found out - I’m sure you would be heartbroken and angry. I don’t think it’s fair to call her a both or crazy. She’s probably stuck at home with a man she knows is a twat!

Just block her and ignore. She will get fed up of trying if she gets no response.

She's only just found this. She is the one who did nothing wrong! She's clearly furious but she's also going to be hurt and devastated. How many women on here have said they just want the truth?
Yes she's called you some names and that's not ok but considering right now she probably thinks you and he have been fucking for years and shes dealing with her world crumbling.
How many times have posters on here said the cheater lies, minimises, follows The Script, only admits to what you can prove? Well here we have a woman in exactly that situation and because she hasn't gone terribly for bothering you, but I've just found my husband has a lot of pornographic pictures of you and I hoped if it isn't too much trouble that we could perhaps have a nice chat over tea and biscuits, she's the psycho bitch queen from hell.

You don't have to reply to her and I certainly wouldn't advise answering the phone to her because she will be raging mad X 10 for every call you haven't answered and she's just going to call you names but at the very least you could message saying that it was years ago and ended years ago. If you think she might use the pictures against you, you could add that you and he agreed to destroy all images. He had no right to keep them and if he doesn't delete them you will take action against him.

A bitch not both

.

While I certainly don’t think the OP should engage with this woman,I equally don’t think that if someone posted here that they’d found naked pictures of another woman on their partner’s phone people would be saying that the OW had done nothing wrong. Definite double standards at play here.

Having a sexting relationship with a married man for two years isn’t a mistake,it’s calculated and deliberate.The OP knew what she was doing. And while in terms of the relationship it’s the man who was with someone else,the fact that the OP knew he was in a relationship makes her complicit.

I feel so sorry for you, OP. I feel like you really need a hug!

Can you talk this through with your mum or a female friend?

We have all done stupid things with exes that we’d rather our current partners didn’t know.