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Original poster

"It's money, I earn it"

378 replies

GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 11:04

This is apparently the way things are in my household/marriage.

I feel think I should know about and have input into the overall financial picture in our household.

Hid opinion is the above.

He thinks that he pays for everything, therefore that's enough/fair .. and that I have no right to know in detail or get involved in the overall finances.

He works full-time in a fairly well paid job. Part of the reason for the good pay is that he works on projects in London, which (before lockdown) required fortnightly stays overnight or two nights there while I obviously look after DD alone. He'll return to this when able.

I have been working two or three days a week for a while. My hours are limited by drop off and pick up times for nursery, as my work is an hour away. The money I made doing this (before lockdown) didn't really have an impact. By the time unpaid travel expenses etc. If was mainly to get me back into work after maternity. We have one DD. We moved from where we were living when our DD was about 4 months as we weren't cooing without support from family (and also it was difficult to get in the housing ladder where we were).

He pays for everything, including the low mortgage on a house I own from before we married if it's not rented out.

My view is that since we had a child, his salary is family/household money, not "his" money. I can't work full-time as I look after DD two/three days, do 90% of drop.offs and pickups on the days I was working. Stay off 100% of the time off for illness, do 99% of appointments, and do the overnights mentioned above.

I don't think most people in a marriage would feel happy or invested with his attitude. He thinks it's fine because he pays for everything he should - but it's still very much his money.

He also said he didn't want me/I didn't have s right UK make him give details and justify what he spends on what .. probably because I'm more frugal on average than he is and he knows I might be critical/frustrated.

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 11:05

"Sorry that should obviously be "it's my money, I earn it.

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 11:07

I also think that it's not "his" money be sued every hour I spend lookin after our DD or being limited in working hours by looking doing drop.offs etc. ... Is an hour I can't work to make my own money.

I gave worked full-time pretty much continuously since 22 after I graduated and did some travel abroad.

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 11:08

*because
*have worked

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 05/05/2020 11:09

He sounds like he's from the 1950s
Not an acceptable attitude really, you should be making financial decisions together as a team. Is he controlling in other ways as well?

putthehamsterbackinitscage · 05/05/2020 11:10

You'll get this response from the majority...

Your view is right... if you worked full time out of home and he had to pick up an equal share of childcare, drop offs etc plus sickness cover, I assume he could not continue his current role?

If he wants to view it separately, charge him half the cost of a full time Nanny plus housekeeper to enable his career and lifestyle... once he has paid that to you, he then still needs to pay his share of mortgages, finance, bills etc either 50/50 or in proportion to earnings ...

Otherwise pool all income, all Bills and costs then share out what is left for savings, pensions and spending ... that is how it should be!

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 11:11

I made it clear this attitude (to me in principle it is not his money, it is household/family money .. he's not doing me a favour by paying for everything, it's not a choice, he wouldn't have to if I could work. He's maintained 100% earning capacity at my expense) makes me v angry ..band his response to date was "I'm not going to change my opinion on this".

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 11:12

Is he controlling in other ways as well?

No, not remotely.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 05/05/2020 11:14

Oh dear.
What a selfish, unpleasant attitude he has.
Perhaps you could point out how much it would have cost him to employ a nanny to do childcare, drop offs and pick ups, and housework, allowing him to continue doing his work without having to worry about looking after his own child?
If he's not willing to share money in a joint account or at least pay you some kind of allowance in recognition of your childcare contribution, you should seriously reconsider the relationship.
It's borderline financial abuse.

copycopypaste · 05/05/2020 11:22

He sounds like a selfish wanker op

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 11:25

Just to break it down, he pays everything on a house we bought (I contributed 6k of savings towards deposit) - mortgage, rates (NI), insurance, utilities, food, he runs a car, I currently don't have one, and all other clothing, toiletries, activities etc.

If my house is not rented he pays the (pretty low) mortgage on it plus rates, low insurance.

When I started working again two/three days a week he paid nursery feed. What I earned was mostly eaten up by travel expenses (return train for me plus taxis to and from nursery if a local mum couldn't give me a lift as I have no car and can't afford one, he talked about getting car for me but couldn't afford it before lockdown). He didn't ask for any money from it.

He says he asked for advice about our situation from two work colleagues and one (a woman) said I was "spoilt".

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/05/2020 11:26

You could always tell him that kid is his also so now 100% his childcare problem as you're going back to work full time. Give him a taste of his own medicine.

Or you can tell him fine, split up and he can pay CM and have contact/overnights regularly.

This person won't change his views OP.

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 11:27

at least pay you some kind of allowance

He pays me a sum every month, obviously a lot less now I'm not working and were not going out (and I asked for the payment holiday in my mortgage).

But he stills sees his salary/money as his ... Not ours, not our household/family and that's my issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 11:29

Or you can tell him fine, split up and he can pay CM and have contact/overnights regularly.

He will have to pay about 400 a month if he doesn't have DD more than two overnights.

There no way I can force him (if I wanted to/tried to) to take DD any.ord than he wants to.

I never understand why some posters say "ha, let's see him when he had child 50 50". How do you make a man take a child 50.50 if they don't want to/wont??!!

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 11:32

If you refuse to be residential parent/main carer in order to try .. how do you even go about that (this is theoretical, I wouldn't want to.do that).

I asked a solicitor that and she said you'd have to give up parental rights or something along those lines and you really wouldn't want to do that, they'd be hard to get back and you'd out yourself in a terrible situation.

Let's face it, if you stay the main carer/resident parent you get your CM (as long as they don't have them 50.50) and they see them/look.after them if and when they want.

You can't make them take them more,band if you did you wouldn't even get CM, would you (for 50 50 or more).

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 05/05/2020 11:33

Fine, tell him you now consider yourself the hired help and want wages paying accordingly.

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 11:34

Sorry about all the typos.

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 11:36

Fine, tell him you now consider yourself the hired help and want wages paying accordingly.

I must work out how much I'd actually earn, but I'd have to offset my half of the mortgage & other household bills.

OP posts:
EightNineTen · 05/05/2020 11:44

I'd go back to work full time if this was me and then tell him you can split pick ups and drop offs, and sort childcare for the times between nursery closing and work finishing. His attitude is going to cost you dearly in the long term as you'll never get back your earning potential and will always lag behind. If you start now at least it won't be as bad later on.

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 11:45

You could always tell him that kid is his also so now 100% his childcare problem as you're going back to work full time.

He suggested I go back to work full-time in in a couple of arguments on this subject.

(I don't know if he would continue to pay 100% of nursery fees or expect a proportional contribution).

I was/am reluctant to put our DD into childcare full-time. And I would have thought (if he was being totally honest) he would be too.

OP posts:
drspouse · 05/05/2020 11:47

Did he not want a child?

MadinMarch · 05/05/2020 11:50

You're quite right, you can't force the non resident parent to have more contact than they want. If you went back to work as a single parent, you'd have to use childcare.
Your husband's attitude stinks and is insulting to you as an adult. He obviously doesn't see you as an equal.
It sounds as though you don't have control of the home you own before you married? If he's controlling 'his' money, you should at least insist on controlling your own asset. But that's just the tip of the iceberg really isn't it? I think you need to consider whether you want to live like this for the rest of your life. I couldn't, personally.

maxelly · 05/05/2020 11:52

Oh dear it does sound difficult. I would hate that too. MN has trouble believing it but there are men (and women) out there that have this fixed belief that (especially after DC come along) men earn the money and look after the finances and women look after the children and if they work at all it's just as a hobby/for pocket money, and that's just how it is, they don't think that that is in any way unequal or belittling for either party. I'm not saying it's right, I think it's completely wrong and unfair on both partners actually, but it is very hard for people to change their minds when they are certain they are right so I am not surprised your DH is digging his heels in.

How is the marriage otherwise - if it wasn't for the money issue would you be happy? Does he care about you and treat you well in other ways? The MN response is usually LTB and make him pay maintenance and look after the children 50/50, but as you say sometimes the reality of that is not as rosy as the idea, but at least you would be free and in control again, it can be worth taking the financial hit to get out of an unhappy relationship. But if you really do want to make it work and it's this one 'blind spot' for him then you are going to have to talk about it properly (not just you asking for what you want and him shutting the conversation down but really digging into how the situation makes you feel and why his attitude is as it is)? Perhaps relationship counselling would help? If he's not prepared to talk about it at all even though it is a deal breaking/relationship ending level issue for you, then that says a lot about him and how much he really cares for you IMO...

12345kbm · 05/05/2020 11:52

That's not how partnerships work OP.

You have taken a hit on your career and can't work full time as you are enabling him to do so. This was discussed before you had a child. His part of the bargain is that he continues to work full time and you take over the majority of child related tasks. You are both contributing equally in that way towards the family unit and making it function.

What would happen if you turned all child related responsibility over to him and behaved as he does? He is in charge of picks ups/drop off/appointments/taking time off for illness/primary carer on forms/household management etc Would he be able to do both or would something have to give, like his career?

He shouldn't be discussing you with colleagues at work and he shouldn't be relaying so called messages like that back to you. That's despicable.

It comes across to me, that he doesn't see himself as part of a unit, he sees himself as single and financially burdened. I'm assuming that your child was planned and he chose to be a father and you discussed all this before you had a child. He's reneging on his part of the deal.

I would discuss couple's counselling with him to work out what's going on as he sounds very resentful. He shouldn't be discussing you or what goes on in the house with people at work, that's a dreadful breach of trust.

What's really going on here? Does he feel separated from the family unit ie does he feel as though he's just there to pay the bills and doesn't feel involved? Or has he disengaged from the relationship?

MsMarple · 05/05/2020 11:54

What happens to the rental income from your house?

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 11:58

Did he not want a child?

Our DD was planned, when I fell pregnant, which I was v surprised not do quickly as I was forty, I actually had a meltdown/massive doubts in spite of TTC (yes, I know - ridiculous and immoral) and he was positive and encouraging about continuing the pregnancy. His line was "i think it will be a good thing".

I was the one who pushed TTC though, because of my age. (He's 3 yrs younger).

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