"It's money, I earn it"

[GilbertMarkham]

This is apparently the way things are in my household/marriage.

I feel think I should know about and have input into the overall financial picture in our household.

Hid opinion is the above.

He thinks that he pays for everything, therefore that's enough/fair .. and that I have no right to know in detail or get involved in the overall finances.

He works full-time in a fairly well paid job. Part of the reason for the good pay is that he works on projects in London, which (before lockdown) required fortnightly stays overnight or two nights there while I obviously look after DD alone. He'll return to this when able.

I have been working two or three days a week for a while. My hours are limited by drop off and pick up times for nursery, as my work is an hour away. The money I made doing this (before lockdown) didn't really have an impact. By the time unpaid travel expenses etc. If was mainly to get me back into work after maternity. We have one DD. We moved from where we were living when our DD was about 4 months as we weren't cooing without support from family (and also it was difficult to get in the housing ladder where we were).

He pays for everything, including the low mortgage on a house I own from before we married if it's not rented out.

My view is that since we had a child, his salary is family/household money, not "his" money. I can't work full-time as I look after DD two/three days, do 90% of drop.offs and pickups on the days I was working. Stay off 100% of the time off for illness, do 99% of appointments, and do the overnights mentioned above.

I don't think most people in a marriage would feel happy or invested with his attitude. He thinks it's fine because he pays for everything he should - but it's still very much his money.

He also said he didn't want me/I didn't have s right UK make him give details and justify what he spends on what .. probably because I'm more frugal on average than he is and he knows I might be critical/frustrated.

*surprised to do quickly.

Don't know how that not snuck in there.

He's a v involved father.

I couldn't say he doesn't share the load outside of working hours.

So what was he expecting then? That you'd continue your earning power? That elves would magically come and look after the baby?

OP I would think very carefully about your future here. The only way that dropping hours from full time and reducing your earning capacity makes sense is if your finances are shared. It's not just that your personal income is so low now but also that presumably you aren't saving or building up your pension. And although it seems a long way off, this will impact you substantially.

What he's doing isn't right. He doesn't have your interest in mind. So, think about how you can protect your own interests, whether that's through a shared pot or full time working or, I guess, divorce. You need to work through each option and find a solution that's workable.

I will say though that I wouldn't want to remain committed to someone who refused to give any consideration to my interests.

I couldn't say he doesn't share the load outside of working hours.

Does he expect that your child will take themselves to nursery and live in a box during the hours you're working? Because paying for nursery, taking your child to nursery (which seems to be the killer for your finances/job), taking maternity leave seem to have come as a bit of a surprise to him.

you have taken a hit on your career and can't work full time as you are enabling him to do so

Of course OP can work full time. She just doesn’t want to.

There is an imbalance of power in the relationship as the DH is contributing the lion’s share of income and OP receives an allowance.

Men like him are the reason women need to get back to work after having children.

What happens to the rental income from your house?

When it's rented out (which has been most if time since we married/I moved out of it) it covers the mortgage, rates, insurance and maintenance.

It doesn't make much more than that.

It may make more when it is rented again/in future.

I initially accepted less because it was a renter's market and it didn't rent (to anyone suitable, that is not twenty something guys) for 6 months.

When I got a couple, I accepted quite low rent to get them in and didn't up it in order to keep them in. I also admit I was distracted with work etc and didn't manage it like I should have.

It was managed by a (crappy) rental agent but they didn't suggest upping the rent.

Any husband (or wife for that matter) who takes the view that it's my money is not really married. IMO.

Are you actually married..?

She just doesn’t want to.

A lot of the time my DD is reluctant to.go into nursery, sometimes she's happy to.

It's totally inconsistent or I'd have tried a different one.

I feel guilty for the two/three days, I'd feel like shit for five days.

I dropped one day and arranged my sister to look after her one of the three days but it doesn't really suit her and is a lot of hassle travel.wise etc.

Are you actually married..?

Yes.
7 yes now.

*years

I got married partly because it I thought it was the right thing to do for security.

Ironically - now if we divorce, he'd be able to claim part of my little property (solicitor told me 25% likely) and there is almost no equity in this house which we (sorry he! Ha) has started paying off.

He has always said he'd not interested in taking any money for my house however.

He's probably been paying a lot more into his pension than you've been paying into yours. So there's that to consider if you were to divorce and work out a financial settlement.

Tbh I was surprised at how low CM would be from someone earning 65k (good for our little backwater region where about 25k is average). Cab told me about 400.

It depends how much overnight contact he has. If it's 1-2 nights a week, he'd have to pay £505/month.

www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

I agree that the legal minimum for child maintenance is too low.

You've clearly thought seriously about divorce, if you've already got advice from citizens advice and a solicitor. Are there other issues? Not that this issue isn't in itself a dealbreaker.

So what was he expecting then? That you'd continue your earning power? That elves would magically come and look after the baby?

I said I'd work part time. I think he thought he'd pay all.of most of childcare and pay for most of everything else and he has no problem doing it .... But it's his money.

In principle it's his money, that's my issue.

Invoice him for 50% of childcare at market rate. The penny should drop.

Are there other issues? Not that this issue isn't in itself a dealbreaker.

There are two other major issues and in order to try to resolve one of them (lack of sex life) I'd have to be constructive and affectionate .. but this is a stumbling block to me being constructive and affectionate.

In principle it's his money, that's my issue

To put it bluntly that’s exactly what it is unless you get divorced, in which case some proportion of it becomes yours either by agreement or through a court decision. No principle about it

You need to sit down and talk about the balance of everything and how to manage your money. I have a big London job and commute in with occasional work trips and overnights. It doesn't prevent dh from balancing childcare and a full-time job. Now your dd may be younger (ours are 7 & 2, so dh does the school run at 3 and the nursery run at 5pm at least 3 days a week, mornings are the reverse). He does literally everything from 6am when I leave for work until 7-8pm when I get home. He has a very successful career despite that. It's totally possible to be the primary carer and still have a career and to have financial independence. But you need to sit down with him and set up that expectation from the start.

You also need to figure out the balance of your finances and personal/professional commitments. I don't believe in the whole 'family money' thing. Dh and I have our own personal money, we spend on what we like, neither of us ever questions how the other spends their money. Month to month I have absolutely no idea how much money he makes or where it's spent. But we pay equitably into a joint account according to our earnings for that month and the burden of household expenses is shared. Yes, you should be paying for childcare proportionate to your income, both of you. And each having freedom to spend what's left for each of you (which should also be a fair amount) on whatever you want.

How old is your dd?
Would you only be interested in a particular job/career path or are you open to different types of work?
Do you live in a very rural area?

Apologies if you have already given this info - I just want to get a clearer picture.

Yes but not all spouses see it that way.

As a poster said above - is anyone truly married who sees things that way.

I can't imagine any women of my acquaintance being ok with being told that by their husbands.

That was to pleasebes..