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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"It's money, I earn it"

378 replies

GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 11:04

This is apparently the way things are in my household/marriage.

I feel think I should know about and have input into the overall financial picture in our household.

Hid opinion is the above.

He thinks that he pays for everything, therefore that's enough/fair .. and that I have no right to know in detail or get involved in the overall finances.

He works full-time in a fairly well paid job. Part of the reason for the good pay is that he works on projects in London, which (before lockdown) required fortnightly stays overnight or two nights there while I obviously look after DD alone. He'll return to this when able.

I have been working two or three days a week for a while. My hours are limited by drop off and pick up times for nursery, as my work is an hour away. The money I made doing this (before lockdown) didn't really have an impact. By the time unpaid travel expenses etc. If was mainly to get me back into work after maternity. We have one DD. We moved from where we were living when our DD was about 4 months as we weren't cooing without support from family (and also it was difficult to get in the housing ladder where we were).

He pays for everything, including the low mortgage on a house I own from before we married if it's not rented out.

My view is that since we had a child, his salary is family/household money, not "his" money. I can't work full-time as I look after DD two/three days, do 90% of drop.offs and pickups on the days I was working. Stay off 100% of the time off for illness, do 99% of appointments, and do the overnights mentioned above.

I don't think most people in a marriage would feel happy or invested with his attitude. He thinks it's fine because he pays for everything he should - but it's still very much his money.

He also said he didn't want me/I didn't have s right UK make him give details and justify what he spends on what .. probably because I'm more frugal on average than he is and he knows I might be critical/frustrated.

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 14:10

What do you mean by "constructive"?
Is it something to do with not criticising him and only making nice polite "constructive" requests?

These aren't words, not his, if I didn't make that clear .. he tries to be affectionate but doesn't get much back and I don't initiate affection.

I'm also not constructive in my attitude because of these things. I would need to get past them to be - and I don't know if I can or should. That's what I'm trying to break down.

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 14:11

*These are my words, not his

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Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 14:14

The rent from the house you own should be surely at least half yours ? you could buy a car from that maybe

As I've said there's not much to spare. Though there might be more if it's rented at a better rate after lockdown.

It is my money, he doesn't ask for it or see it as his.

OP posts:
taffia43 · 05/05/2020 14:17

you might as well give up work, move back into your old house and let him pay for you and he can sort himself out.

DishingOutDone · 05/05/2020 14:18

Op there is no magic solution to this, even if we all agreed with you 100%. What can you do?What do you want to do? Do you love this man? If so counselling?

You either try and save it or you leave. Is your rental house empty? if so move into it. You would have to reconcile to live as a single parent and from what you say, and from where I am standing after 30 years of a shit but not violent relationship, that sounds like an attractive prospect.

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 14:18

My last tenant was my nephew whom my mum persuaded me to rent it to at the sane low rent I'd been getting before. It was due to him having a hard time and not being able to live at home because my sister and her do are alcoholics.

Heating system repairs/replacements needed done while he was there and are uo any profit, then he gave up his job,vstopped paying rent and I had to (politely!) ask him to leave/insist that he left. It didn't get rented again before lockdown.

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 14:23

you might as well give up work, move back into your old house and let him pay for you and he can sort himself out.

He'd have to give me about 400 according to cab.

I'd be better working (if I get 85% of childcare paid) than not.

Plus i'd be building my career.

Sorry I forgot to answer the poster who wondered what I do; architectural technician/assistant.

I was doing degree part-time in subject but on back burner since having child.

My original degree is humanities and not of much relevance.

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 14:26

Is your rental house empty? if so move into it.

I might temporarily but it is not suitable longer term .. it is too far from his work for any weekday evenings, the street is also almost entirely renters who are .... Well let's just say you could t out your kid out there with the kids, they'd rob them and best them up. My previous tenant moved as soon as her kid was a toddler.

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 14:28

*beat

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N1ghtSp1r1t · 05/05/2020 14:38

Ref your property
You can set the rent to what you want
However, if it's too high, you may not get many tenants wanting to live there. You can research the average rent in that are
Sometimes, it's better to have someone in the property at a lower rent, than leave it empty
The agency would also advise you
You should also declare your income to the tax man
You may not need to pay tax, if you don't earn enough
If you don't want to rent it, why don't you sell it ?

It sounds like he doesn't want you to see what he spends money on. Perhaps he lives it up a little when he is working away from home
However, you are happy for him to pay for your property when it's not rented out

Do you feel that you an equal in this relationship ?

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 14:38

after 30 years of a shit but not violent relationship

The relationship is about 16 years long, minus a break we had (a year a half). I actually see it as mostly good, we get along well, enjoy each others company etc etc the vast majority of the time. You obviously missed the part where he pushed/flung me about 13 yrs ago during an argument. I find it very hard to get past it, I thought I had and I had made the right decision u til Christmas when he loomed over me. As I said I've had very divided opinions on that when I posted the full details.
I told him the behaviour at Christmas was unacceptable, bullying etc and he agreed and agreed to my suggestion that he could get "help" but hasn't done anything about that to my knowledge.

This attitude to finances is another stumbling block for me in seeing whether I can or should try to continue the marriage.

We are both horrified at the prospect of our child growing up in separate blended families, with all the issues that can involve.

I think we both also do still love each other. I asked him once did he, and he said yes and he probably always would.

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Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 14:41

It sounds like he doesn't want you to see what he spends money on. Perhaps he lives it up a little when he is working away from home

His expenses are covered.

He's more careless with money than I am (not to any irresponsible extent I should add) .. I'm very frugal and he doesn't want his spending examined and criticised. He thinks he shouldn't have to when he's the one working a very demanding stressful job to earn it. He no doubt thinks that if he meets his financial responsibilities, he shouldn't have to.

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Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 14:43

An example that could be seen both ways is that I would zero in on something unused/rarely used that hadn't been cancelled (not a big amount, he'd cancel it if it was a big amount) and would be like "why haven't you cancelled that, come on".

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Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 14:45

(Of course he's able to work said job, including going to London, because I'm looking after our child).

OP posts:
wedding2020 · 05/05/2020 14:47

he doesn't want his spending examined and criticised. He thinks he shouldn't have to when he's the one working a very demanding stressful job to earn it. He no doubt thinks that if he meets his financial responsibilities, he shouldn't have to.

I completely agree with him!

doodleygirl · 05/05/2020 15:00

After reading your posts I am not really sure what you are looking for. If you asked for my advice I would say go back to work full time. The reasons you give for not doing so seem to be excuses, most of us have to fit in our DC appointments whilst working.

If you feel you are being financially abused you need to discuss how you would like it to be with your DH but from what you have told us here it doesn’t appear that you are.

I personally think all money is family money and I wouldn’t stay with someone who did t have the same values as me.

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 15:00

You haven’t responded to any posters who have asked if he has a point about you being critical of his expenditure

Give me an effin chance luv, there's been a lot of replies.

My last post probably covers it.

I wouldn't be unfairly critical, but I'd be more frugal than him. He's a bit careless.

OP posts:
Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 15:01

Though not really irresponsible or anything.

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Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 15:03

I completely agree with him!

Fair enough, that's what forums are for. Getting and considering a range of opinions.

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Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 15:07

*After reading your posts I am not really sure what you are looking for."

I wondered how many people would be ok with their dp/DH saying "it's my money, I earn it" if they said they don't know the overall picture of the household finances and that's uncomfortable for them.

... Esp when they are not free to work full-time because they're doing childcare some days, pick ups and drop.offs, and looki g after a child alone two or three overnights week so he can pursue their career.

Obviously the statement cane out if that situation .. but has now become an issue on its own - in terms of his attitude to money (mine Vs family/household) given he's a married man with a child.

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Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 15:11

Sorry just to clarify about "unfair" criticism (or not), i don't ever criticise his spending in himself - tech, sports, expensive toiletries etc. He works for it, why not.

It would be things like the above that would irritate me if I found out about them - not cancelling unnecessary/little used things. Things like that.

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taffia43 · 05/05/2020 15:19

I wondered how many people would be ok with their dp/DH saying "it's my money, I earn it"

I'm not, but me and my wife have always pooled our money since we moved in together...I guess you have always had this arrangement so I feel you will have trouble changing it, sorry.

ReturnofSaturn · 05/05/2020 15:20

Of course that's not acceptable what he thinks and you know this. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

BadgersAreReal · 05/05/2020 15:24

But you can return to work full time. My husband and I both work full time, both in different cities to where we live (~1 hour drive each), and we manage nursery drop offs and pick ups just fine. And I do at least one over night alone every week. If you choose not to work full time then that is of course your choice.
As for his choice of words, realistically it is his money, but saying that it sounds like you both agreed to you dropping to part time work after having a baby and so I agree that he is out of line.

Original poster
GilbertMarkham · 05/05/2020 15:37

If you asked for my advice I would say go back to work full time. The reasons you give for not doing so seem to be excuses, most of us have to fit in our DC appointments whilst working.

Appointments and days off sick were not the main reason I gave for being reluctant to work full-time .. I feel bad about putting her in childcare full-time.

But anyway if I did go full-time is have to leave self employed work .. where I don't get paid for appointment time or days staying off with sick child, which I presume you get paid for.

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