"It's money, I earn it"

[GilbertMarkham]

This is apparently the way things are in my household/marriage.

I feel think I should know about and have input into the overall financial picture in our household.

Hid opinion is the above.

He thinks that he pays for everything, therefore that's enough/fair .. and that I have no right to know in detail or get involved in the overall finances.

He works full-time in a fairly well paid job. Part of the reason for the good pay is that he works on projects in London, which (before lockdown) required fortnightly stays overnight or two nights there while I obviously look after DD alone. He'll return to this when able.

I have been working two or three days a week for a while. My hours are limited by drop off and pick up times for nursery, as my work is an hour away. The money I made doing this (before lockdown) didn't really have an impact. By the time unpaid travel expenses etc. If was mainly to get me back into work after maternity. We have one DD. We moved from where we were living when our DD was about 4 months as we weren't cooing without support from family (and also it was difficult to get in the housing ladder where we were).

He pays for everything, including the low mortgage on a house I own from before we married if it's not rented out.

My view is that since we had a child, his salary is family/household money, not "his" money. I can't work full-time as I look after DD two/three days, do 90% of drop.offs and pickups on the days I was working. Stay off 100% of the time off for illness, do 99% of appointments, and do the overnights mentioned above.

I don't think most people in a marriage would feel happy or invested with his attitude. He thinks it's fine because he pays for everything he should - but it's still very much his money.

He also said he didn't want me/I didn't have s right UK make him give details and justify what he spends on what .. probably because I'm more frugal on average than he is and he knows I might be critical/frustrated.

Reading this is like trying to untangle a bowl of spaghetti tbh.

Focusing on finances only, I will say that I have never shared accounts with anyone, including my exh and we were together for 11 years with DC. It was just never an issue. You don't have to share that kind of thing - in my home country, it's illegal for couples to share accounts...

Here are my observations:
You brought into the marriage a low-mortgage property, with equity, that you could be managing better but you have so far fucked up a bit, rented to nephew under family pressure, etc. So you are not optimizing your income there.

You went back to work at your old place of employment because it was easier than getting a portfolio together for work closer to home. So you are not optimizing that income either.

You could have organized a car and reduced your daily work expenses - you haven't - so you're not optimizing your income there.

You could put your DD into more days - you don't want to - so your income is reduced there as well.

You could leave DD at 2-3 days, and optimize the rest, and be WAY better off. There are a lot of ways that you are giving up your power here! Is there a reason for that?

I sense that you think you'd feel more power if you had access to his money / accounts etc... but you don't need that. At all. He gives you money, and you have loads of opportunity to increase you income. Do all that. Get yourself into a stronger position.

In terms of your DH, I mean... you guys don't shag much, aren't affectionate to each other, and he works away random nights in London. He has been violent to you more than once. And he doesn't want you to know what he spends money on - he won't even countenance it. I'll let you calculate what kind of picture that paints to an outside reader.

Ime experience of architecture practices, if you were off regularly for appointments, child illnesses, and not able to work very flexibly when they have deadlines etc .. they'd find some way of ending your employment.

Why are you paying for all the childcare? That should be a shared expense..?why are you living somewhere you can't access. I don't think your spoilt but are in a tricky situation... as you are dependent on someone who doesn't seem to like/respect you very much..,

I would focus on reducing my dependency..,is your house that you rent out more accessible to work/career opportunity? I would think about moving with you/dd if the house is in your name sell it if no good to you... honestly 25% would be worth the freedom....

I was/am financially dependent on dh when sahm then going back to work as my career rubbish due years out of it ... the difference being all money was open access... I didn't have an allowance/pocket money as I am not a child I just had a card for the account....

Get free .... look at life /finance as single parent you have assets.. dd not being fussed about nursery is an opportunity easier to change it..

You need to go back to work fulltime and he needs to pick up 50% of the slack with regards to your child. You’re resentful of each other over your financial arrangements and that’s the beginning of the end without even starting on the other issues you’ve raised. For some families having one partner out of work / part time works, for others it doesn’t but both parties have to be willing to support each other and value the contribution of the other or it always leads to issues ime.

... rented to nephew under family pressure, etc. So you are not optimizing your income there.

For some of us, kindness etc occasionally comes above optimising income.

I was asked to.help.him out so I did. He's been raised by an alcoholic and had no normal home base like most young people have.

Before that, i probably should've raised the rent when the market improved or got new tenants if they wouldn't pay the raised rent but that was a risk - whereas keeping the same stable couple in there was not.

If you're in England you may not appreciate the housing/rental market in depressed, deprived, backwater, outlying regions of the UK.

I should say the two posts above don't mean that I don't appreciate your post and am not agreeing with some of it.

Why are you paying for all the childcare?

I'm not, he pays for it, if it came out of my earnings (with current travel arrangements id be sixteen quid a day in the red.

@GilbertMarkham ... ok... any thoughts on the other suggestions? Or literally the whole rest of my post..?

If you want to place your family ties first, at your own expense, that's great - but I assume that if you were happy with that, you'd not be here looking for advice?

I suspect you just want everyone to say you're doing everything perfectly and your DH should change to suit you. I'm afraid that's unrealistic. Your posts drip with the amount of contempt he has for you - he's not going to change on your say so.

If you want to change how things are going, you are going to have to stop putting others first and start making some hard decisions. Your DH isn't on your side, I think that's clear.

He is financially abusive. He doesn't see you as part of the family unit- you are an employee. An employee is not entitled.to money they haven't "earned". He is yet another one of these misogynistic fucking arseholes who hold the partner to ransom, literally. Nothing will change, op. Be prepared to live with this forever, unless you make the change happen yourself.

any thoughts on the other suggestions? Or literally the whole rest of my post..?

There was so much in your post, I decided I'd have to answer it later after I take my DD out for walk.

OP, what did he say about everything he owned in the vows he made when you married? That would be my starting point.

If he promised to share or endow you with everything he owns, then he needs to be reminded of that and perhaps asked whether he actually meant any of his promises or thinks you did.

A gentle 'ours,' whenever he says 'mine' will help him get the hang of what marriage means. It clearly doesn't mean what he thinks it does.

Go back to work full time. He then has to do his share of the housework, child rearing etc

Sorry I didn't read the entire thread but is your name on the deeds of the second house? Could he sell up and pocket all the equity?

I'm reading this differently.

From my understanding your issue isn't the money you're given, it is the lack of transparency around finances.

You'd like to know how the £65k is being spent, where your outgoings are etc.
He seems like he's hiding something to me...

Am I right?

Work out all the household expenses (everything) and then add a sum which you feel is fair to give you as living expenses, clothing, hair etc plus coffees, lunch out, gyms membership, spa days and so on. (Make this a big sum!) then let him pay everything from his bank account, transfer this sum to your bank account, and keep all the money you earn in your account.

I can't see what else you can do, to be honest. Just make sure you are not scrimping and can enjoy purchase from your own bank account. A bit humiliating but not much else you can do as he's being such a prat.

So what do YOU want OP? Being free to work, him taking 50%responsibily, or are you happy to continue with the status quo?

It's easy to put barriers in place to keep yourself from improving your life. I know better than anyone. But the simple fact is, if you were happy and respected in this relationship you wouldn't be posting on the forum.

He's not going to change. It's working well for him and if he cared at all about you, your happiness he would do all he could to help you get there. After all a partnership is meant to be equal yes?

Work out what you want. Then ask for advice to get there (if you need to, I suspect your main issue is you're just not sure what your next move is)

I'd go back to work full time and build a career.

You are complaining because it is his money that he earned and you use he pays for everything but your travel to a job that you dont earn much as it costs you to travel ok suck it up get a job closer to home nursery and you will save money he pays all childcare and you still complain would u be even better of if you work full time as you have said yourself that you dont pay anything towards Bill's ect so really you are complaining he said his money and not yours hahahhahahhahhaha legally he gets 50% of your house haha and child maintenance would not cover even your nursery fees so I suggest you get off your high horse and be hopeful you all have jobs and income coming in

OP it rather sounds like you want the set up as it is now, but him to just the words "it's our money, not my money" because you don't want to work more as you don't want your child in childcare for longer, you wouldn't be able to afford to split bills 50/50 in the job you would go into (initially, obviously the idea would be for this to change as you progressed) and he currently pays for your other property a mortgage.

It's true he wouldn't be able to work his job if he also had to do childcare, but that doesn't mean you have to do childcare. Many families have two working parents who decide to both continue working because they need to or because neither is willing to sacrifice those years out of a career path, or risk lessening their financial independence.

You could work full time and have less money coming in net, but have more personal financial independence which would also mean you contributing money from your salary towards all expenses.

I'm sure it doesn't mean to come across this way but it does rather sound like what's yours is yours and what's his is the family's.

If you just want him to say the words "of course it's our joint family money" then is it a hill to die on?

I'm saying all that removed from other issues in the relationship because it sounds very complicated and your original post focused on the earning issue.

To be fair to another pp, OP, rental rates return in many parts of NI are extremely good compared to many parts of England because the cost to buy property in NI tends to be pretty low.

What age is your daughter? I find that it becomes easier to put kids in childcare the older they get, although I will say the NI nursery/primary provision can be crap compared to england (2.5 hours a day from 12-2.30, wow so helpful to a working parent!) This in my opinion is offset by the fact that the quality of education and teaching is excellent, as hours are good and teaching salary proportionally good too. Research preschool and primary school VERY carefully, I did not and even though it’s academically brilliant, dc’s school has no breakfast club at all and after-school provision is crap. If you can get a primary where she can start at 8 and get after school until 5, it’ll be much easier to work.

If it was me, I would play the long game for a year.

Get all your own money on a budget spreadsheet and join a FIRE group (financial independence, retire early), because they are so good at life planning. Cut all your own bills down (phone etc) and save for that car payment and really push your DH on it as being practical for your dd etc. Just grit your teeth and gather as much money in a savings account that your DH knows nothing about, and don’t tell him anything about it. After all, if his is not yours, then yours is not his, and money is clearly power in a relationship like yours.

Is your rental house empty right now? Can you get it as nice as possible for re-rental as soon as the estate agency doors open? Have you researched who looks like the best agent in the area? There’s no point in trying to reduce the mortgage as you’re just saving your DH money which he won’t share with you, you need to maximise the revenue for yourself now.

Architecture jobs might be about to take a real bash in NI, was talking to some partners in a practice about this recently but it’s hard to say what way the building and property market is going to go in the province. it had been feeling a bit toppy there for a while.

I am back in NI. I do think that here more than the three other countries I have live fin, there is still a depressing amount of ‘wee wifey with a wee job and big man commutes to London’ attitude about. I used to commute two days a week and people were all 😱 ‘but HOW do you DO IT with such small CHILDREN’, DH also commutes and never ever ever has been asked this.

We have similar set up in some ways but all our finances are shared, precisely because we both did lovely big-man jobs and I temporarily gave mine up. He literally would not have been able to have children and do his job at all had I not facilitated it and so yes, I do consider I have a right to share the income! My mother, who apparently thinks I should be a financially shafted subservient/grateful martyr, prob thinks I’m a bit spoilt.

You have a husband, a child, both employed, family near, 2 properties

What would make you really happy ?

I would not ever be able to accept you H attitude.
equal partners, equal money, equal appreciation what each brings to the team.

his way of thinking is hierarchical and power grabbing.

I earn twice as much (take home) as my OH. It is OUR money nevertheless.

I detest your OH's attitude.

BTW on the days you are BOTH working, the nursery fees are coming from BOTH your incomes, not just yours. So you ARE bringing money into the house. Alternatively your OH can have her whilst you're at work or seeing a divorce solicitor

I don’t think he is being unreasonable in not wanting to be criticized for various spending. It seems that you are not short despite being a low earner and working very few hours. You don’t have to work so few hours- I worked full time when I had kids your age and was a single parent.

I wouldn’t like my partner to try to criticize my spending in this situation and I could see me saying that it was my money. Why does he have no assets (you say there is no equity in your joint house and you would lose out on divorce) if he is a higher earner and you are in your 40s?

That being said tho, if it’s an unhappy relationship, maybe it’s not fixable and you should go your own way. Best of luck.