Is this paedophile opinion a massive red flag?

[Eternalconfusion]

Namechanged for this.
New boyfriend of 5 months or so. I have dc (1 girl 1 boy both primary aged) he doesn't. I've been in previous abusive relationships so boundaries a bit off.
A month ago we were away for weekend and he voiced a theory - that paedophiles weren't to blame as such for their tendencies. Likened it to how society used to view homosexuals etc. I was horrified, voiced my opinion then asked him to drop it. (I can give further info on the details if necessary)
Since then I consciously forgot about it, reasoned with myself that as he doesn't have kids he can't understand etc.
Today something triggered me, I lost the plot then asked him for some space. He's in a huff, doesn't get why this is still an issue weeks later.
Please can I have your thoughts?

I was watching a series on BBC last week 'The Missing'. I didn't see it when it was on originally. Not sure if any of you are familiar with it but there is a paedophile trying to under go treatment to get rid of his urges towards children. It fails and he commits suicide. Anyway I said to my dh, it's a shame there isn't more to help people who have these urges and don't want to be the way they are, we could protect far more children if there were. So I kind of get where your bf was coming from. I don't think it's a choice and some people are born this way. It is a taboo subject and very difficult for us to understand as we don't feel that way. Wether it not he was testing the waters 🤷🏼‍♀️. I do think you've made the right decision. If you've got doubts and it's made you feel uncomfortable and raised reg flags then it's better to end things now before he meets your children and things get more serious.

You can trust yourself and don't need to stay single. You saw a red flag, recognised it and acted. You also don't introduce people to your children early. You have good instincts, just bad luck this time.
Don't let this put you off dating, you are rightly and understandably cautious and that's a good thing.

Great list keeping skills @Eternalconfusion!
All those red flags are familiar with me, I recently made a list when ex popped back up and I wanted to stay strong, I was horrified at the amount of things when I saw them all written down.
This guy works in law and is a great arguer (not sure if that's a word) but he'd never ever admit fault or apologise other than the old 'I'm sorry if my actions made you feel that way but I'm jot sorry for my actions as I did nothing wrong'...
Joking about addiction was something the past abusive ex did, interestingly he knew this particular addiction was a trigger for me and joked and challenged me about it and really upset and confused me, of course, when we split found out it was indeed an actual addiction of his!
You've done brilliantly, well done.

For me it's the comparison to homosexuality that is off. Yes both cannot help who they are attracted too but one is harmless and the other is not. To compare the two suggests he doesn't quite understand the severity of paedophiles and the need for them to be punished.

@Tiredmum100 unfortunately paedophiles try to suppress their urges when being tested (thinking about their mother etc). They are provided with treatment in prison but I believe most generally don't won't to be 'cured' they just want to appear to be cured so they can get out where they can begin trying to have access to children again.

@lollipoplola the general thinking now is that it’s about managing the issue rather than curing it, which is simply not possible.

@bemorezenlike has it spot on. It's about consent and a child can not consent to sexual encounters.

@BananaPop2020 yes that's sort of the point I was trying to say. I used to work in the field but have been at SAHM for over 5 years so my brain is a little scrambled

I thought you might have done, I work in the field too!

can paedophiles be given drugs to suppress their urges?

Pretty sure a huge dose of cynanide or arsenic would work.

To the people comparing it to homosexuality...ffs.

It’s more akin to necrophilia, zoophilia and erotophonophilia - which is the sexual interest of murder.

Do you have the same empathy for a man who fantasise, writes and talks about murdering and torturing women but never acts on it because it’s illegal? Not because it’s wrong

Exactly this! There are some fucking weird people here.
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I ditched a bloke for having a bizarre POV in regards to that stuff.

On one of our first dates he asked me out of the blue what I thought about paedophile hunter stings. I said I don't watch them videos but if they're getting them off the streets then power to them I guess.

Weeks later when we were watching a film he started telling me about how he met a woman on a chat site years before who had a fetish for pretending she's a child and calling her partner "daddy"

He was saying things like "do you have any unusual fantasies that you don't talk about, I bet you do, you can tell me" and seemed disappointed when I said no. When he didn't get the answer he was clearly looking for he changed his tune and said "yeah, it's weird all of that isn't it"

That was the final straw for me as I have children myself, and he was pushing me to introduce them. I didn't.

I got rid of him sharpish and he made a complete nuisance of himself.

Personally, I could not get over the fact that he said this and I would have to end it. Sorry, OP.

Well done for going with your instincts OP, the idea of listing the red flags is a good one. helps you stand your ground when the behaviour is being minimised.

I think the issue is a lot of people here are discussing it purely at an academic level and then there are people with real life experience who have a more realistic view. I think one of the problems is that peadophiles can be increadibly manipulative and its easy to prey on people's desire to be seen as woke and progressive.

I think it is really very simple, the clue is in the name sexuality and paraphilia are two completely seperate things. If you were going to make comparisons then homosexuality and heterosexuality makes more sense.
Paedophiles benefit from comparing themselves to homosexuals because that way they don't have to take ownership of their behaviour.

My take on this was that attraction is at the end of the day a choice. You can choose to be attracted to adults

I know this has already been gone over, but when homosexuality was illegal, people still were attracted to people of the same sex. Homosexuality was also considered a psychiatric abnormality then.

Paedophiles can't help being attracted to children but they can choose whether they act on it.

Great work acting on your gut instinct. I think your boundaries are great in that you know when something is wrong, you wrote things on the list.

Next time you're seeing someone, though, you could perhaps draw a line earlier when there is less stuff on the list. Lying is not good and probably worth booting someone over on its own.

Bringing that up with a single mother - and admitting it's a fave convo topic with mothers dates...well, hes either a paedophile on the groom or a complete douchebag, right?

My money's on him being a mother-grooming paedophile.

Well done, OP on acting on the red flag and in keeping him away from the kids in the early stage - which kept them safe! You paid attention, you put the kids first, and you're doing just fine. 💐

The vast majority of people (usually men) labelled as paedophiles are child sex abusers, and are not true paedophiles.

They have relationships and sex with adults as well as the children they sexually assault/rape a d their typical profile is an attached man, usually a father, in employment and often a church member.
They are (possibly sociopathic/psychopathic) exploitative individuals with a lack of integrity, boundaries and conscience.

True paedophiles are only attached to children; romantically and sexually. They might still enter into relationships and have sex with adults but it's not their real inclination. Differences have been observed in their brains, eg a lack of normal development in a part of the brain I've forgotten the name of.

This sounds like I think it's not their fault (it isn't I suppose) but to the contrary I think.the hard wired, innate nature of it makes them both dangerous and pretty untreatable (until we can replace faulty brain parts, which will no doubt cause ethical debate).

People use the word peadophile when they mean child sex abuser all the time a d that confuses matters.

Then there's the (purposeful and opportunistic) confusion created around child sex abuse and sexual orientation .. two men (a priest and a head school teacher) have gotten off extremely lightly for sex with underage young men, boys really (teen-agers) in my local area because they said their behaviour was caused by their confusion and struggle with coming out. Funnily enough my gay mate had similiar confusion and struggle but managed to.only have sex with other adult gay men whose consent was possible.

If the person is under the age of consent, it's sex abuse

*attracted to

• child sex abuse

True paedophiles indeed can't help or change what they are, but that doesn't mean they're not very dangerous.

It's also not comparable with homosexuality, because as other posters have pointed out, that includes an equal two way relationship with true consent, whereas that's an impossibility with a child.

If he has said that, perhaps his view wouldnt be so disturbing but it sounds like he thought nothing of and said nothing about that factor.

If he'd compared (true) paedophiles to psychopaths (who also have dysfunctioning brain parts) that might have been reasonable. Comparing them to gay people, is not.

Both of them can't help what is wrong with their brain but they cause limitless horror, pain, suffering etc to other people.

Yeah sorry this would be a big red flag to me I don't think I could relax with him around my child alone after saying that.

I know of a case where a convicted pedophile was tasked with keeping a sexual thoughts diary as part of his treatment. When it came to parole board he was chastised for being honest about his sexual thoughts and told that his diary should reflect a change in sexual thinking.
He was incredulous at the fact that the board seemingly actively promoted him lying about his tendencies in order tto obtain release.

@lollipoplola, to be honest I don't really know much about this. I find it awful to think people will pretend to be cured just to get access to children again, but of course they would they would really! I think OP has done the right thing.

They might still enter into relationships and have sex with adults but it's not their real inclination

Should clarify it doesn't seem to be common; MJ for example appears to be a text book paedophile and there's no evidence he had a real relationship or sex with an adult.

Personally I don't think it would hurt to flag him up with your local police sex offenders team.
He may well be already on their radar and if not, this won't hurt being recorded some where
Yip please do this so there's some form form of record (if he isn't already known)
The next single mother of young children might use Sarah's law to check him out.

Glad you ditched OP. I'd have done the same.
I dumped someone a few months in after he declared that homosexuality was a mental illness and should be treated as such so Gay people could 'get help' to mend their ways!!! (Seriously!)
With many gay people in my family, numerous friends and at that time a teenaged ds who I already knew was likely to 'come 'out' soon.
I got shot of him after making sure I'd heard him correctly/he genuinely meant what he'd said. Poof! Gone!
I've no time nor tolerance for that kind of attitude.

I agree that their feelings can’t be helped but i don’t like how he’s suggestion it could eventually become acceptable, like homosexuals. Acting on their feelings however can be helped.