Is this paedophile opinion a massive red flag?

[Eternalconfusion]

Namechanged for this.
New boyfriend of 5 months or so. I have dc (1 girl 1 boy both primary aged) he doesn't. I've been in previous abusive relationships so boundaries a bit off.
A month ago we were away for weekend and he voiced a theory - that paedophiles weren't to blame as such for their tendencies. Likened it to how society used to view homosexuals etc. I was horrified, voiced my opinion then asked him to drop it. (I can give further info on the details if necessary)
Since then I consciously forgot about it, reasoned with myself that as he doesn't have kids he can't understand etc.
Today something triggered me, I lost the plot then asked him for some space. He's in a huff, doesn't get why this is still an issue weeks later.
Please can I have your thoughts?

when I was obviously completely horrified he was upset with himself to have upset me. So possibly not the grooming abuser scenario as much as a way off the mark weird comment with no concept of appropriate conversational boundaries.

He tested the waters, you showed you didn’t like what he was saying so he went with his “I’m so sorry I upset you” response to smooth things over. Definitely still trying to groom you.

Don’t talk yourself around into thing it was just his socially inappropriate side or a weird random remark. It will have been planned. The other random topics of conversation may well have been to lower your boundaries so when he brought his actual interest up, he could easily excuse it away as just another topic of discussion.

Remember, you can lack emotional intelligence, be awkward, be clever AND still be a paedophile who grooms people.

Don’t talk yourself around into thing it was just his socially inappropriate side or a weird random remark. It will have been planned.

Interesting to understand how well this comment has gone down as an icebreaker in the other situations he has used it in.....

It depends in the context he said it. If he was on about sexual deviance and that he felt pedophiles couldn't help but then he's not justifying it he's staying a common theory.

But if it makes you uncomfortable. Then go with your gut. It's rarely wrong

As a father of a 6yr old, I abhor paedophiles and would probably end up in prison if I ever encountered one going anywhere near my son - not that he's ever out of my sight anyway.

I don't believe paeophilia is something you can be on the fence about, or have no real opinion on. You are either repulsed by the thought of having sexual feelings towards children, or you aren't. And if you aren't, then that would suggest to me that there is something deeply wrong with your wiring and there's possibly tendencies there.

I agree with posters above that this guy was likely testing the water. There have been plenty of cases which have made the news in which partners (both male and female) abused children together, and I often wondered how one person managed to involve another in something so sick and which isn't normally a comfortable item for conversation - at some point, one of them must have broached the subject.

There is unfortunately paeophile apologists out there, and groups of them on Twitter who believe their 'rights' should be respected and legalised. The comparisons to being gay have no substance and the two aren't comparable in many way. Sure, you could argue both groups have been oppressed - but when it comes to paeophiles I would say that's totally justified.

@Eternalconfusion where did you get the red flag idea? It’s genius!
Do you have a list of potential red flags (from the freedom programme or similar)?
I’d love to introduce dd13 to the idea, but I’m not sure I’m that good at recognising the flags myself. Honestly, I wish they taught this sort of thing in schools!

*@madcatladyforever for God's sake get your kids away from him and take a long, hard look at how you put them in this situation.

Op hasn't put her kids in any situation, considering that she had never introduced them to him. Perhaps be a little less judgemental eh?*

Really? As I said before I worked with paedophiles for years. This is one of the ways most commonly used to test the waters. Try and justify the whole thing.
OP says he's in a huff and doesn't get why this is still an issue weeks later.
For me he'd have been gone about 5 seconds after saying what he said not WEEKS.
I prefer to be judgemental rather than risk my kids safety thank you very much.

Personally I don't think a paedophile can help being sexually attracted to children any more than some one who is gay is attracted to the same sex

Hence why I believe if convicted they should be jailed for a whole life term or chemically castrated as they will ALWAYS pose a risk to children. Its not a mental illness, it is a fundamental party of their sexuality and cant be cured any more than you can ‘cure’ someone of being gay.

Well done OP.

I think most ‘normal’ men going into a relationship with a single mother for the right reasons would be quite worried about this topic actually coming up, as in acknowledging it might make them appear like someone who thinks about it. In other words, most men in this position would actively try to avoid this subject. I know I would!

The fact he’s therefore brought it up at all is very worrying to me. Definitely testing boundaries I think.

Well done on getting rid of him

@Lizzie523 you don't even have to read the full thread, just the first couple of pages or the last two pages to see the OP has got rid, come on!

Otter, paedophiles are not born, you will find they are often nurtured. Chemical castration doesn't work, it isn't about sex, it's about control and if the sex drive isn't there, they'll find another way to dominate.

I agree the comparison is best with rapists.

Acting on these desires is an appalling crime.

I'm shuddering at the very thought of his words. What a bastard.

Unpopular truth here - he's right to an extent. Paedophilia is a sexual attraction to prepubescent children, and in itself is actually a mental illness as classified in the DSM. People can be horrified by their own illness and seek support or hide it forever. It's child molestation which is a huge crime. Obviously if he's saying paedophilia is OK, that's a massive red flag. If he's showing some empathy for people with a very disturbing mental illness, who do not go on to commit any crimes, then that's totally different.
He may mean that homosexuality was seen as a mental illness when that was seen as something "wrong" by many people, and paedophilia is a sexual preference too so is a mental illness. If he's saying that criminal paedophilia should be legal because homosexuality is then yes, massive red flag.

A heck of a lot of my friends are gay. I remember my dad, who was a top university researcher in computing, a very intelligent man, after meeting one of my loveliest gay friends saying “he’s a very nice bloke, but it’s not normal, is it, fancying men!” I remember having a big “discussion” on whether it was a choice or not. My father thought it was! Perhaps that’s what the OP’s ex meant when comparing being gay in the past to being a paedophile? My father (previous generation) thought my gay friend ought to be able to “switch it off/make a different choice” just like the OP thought a paedo ought to be able to choose to change. Did the bloke mean that both were thought un natural, when they are just how someone is? If, however he was saying being a paedo will become acceptable in the future, like being gay did, then that’s different altogether!!

My friend used to work in the prison service assessing people for parole and she said these offenders were what they were and were never going to change, whatever therapy they had.

So for me it would depend on how he meant what he said.

Just posting because it might be helpful. These are the red flags to watch for a sex abuser. From childrefuge.org

www.childrefuge.org/child-molestation/the-ways-on-how-molesters-groom-their-victims-and-how-a-parent-can-stop-them.html

Glad you ended this OP.

I've had counselling! I've done the freedom programme! I've been single 2.5 years!
I cannot trust myself and will stay single from now on.

Please don't. Have faith in yourself. You had a conversation, you saw a red flag, you ended the relationship.

I'd say that means you CAN trust yourself. You WILL be able to spot things in future, and deal with them in the way you have.

Well done

Well I think you're amazing. You flagged it up straight away, sanity checked it, then binned him. That to me is a pretty sound way of dealing with it and I think you CAN trust your judgement, and your ability to do the smart thing

@Howmanysleepsnow

Definitive list of red flags www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2089279-Definitive-list-of-red-flags

I had seen this before and it's good. There will be others too

I've had counselling! I've done the freedom programme! I've been single 2.5 years!
I cannot trust myself and will stay single from now on.

OP, can't you see how this learning and self growth has worked? He showed you who you are and you ACTED.

You cannot help that he targeted you. But you acted. You did the good thing.
YOU CAN HAVE, AND DESERVE HAPPINESS. And you have the tools now to spot and bin the bad ones asap. Well done x

I'm a little confused.

Is he saying that they don't choose to be attracted to them the same way homosexuals don't choose to be attracted to the same sex?

Or is he saying that he thinks that like homosexuals they will become accepted in society?

On a base human level you can't choose who you feel attraction towards. So in this sense when you look at scientific studies of pedophiles it is not a choice it is almost engrained in their minds the same way being homosexual isn't a choice.

Obviously there is a difference in feelings and actions however but on a base level you dont decide and for many pedophiles it has been likened to a mental illness where they know it's wrong but still feel attraction. Obviously however they can choose not to act upon it and get help.

Would definitely be doing Claire's law.

It was a great idea to ask for opinions here, give yourself some credit.

Told DH about this thread, just to see what a man would say about another man making those comments. He said "only a massive paedophile would say those things".

@JiltedJohnsJulie must be true then 🤣🤣🤣